Result - 15/12/2012

Heads-up poker, Gynaecologist v Wee Rambo

1. The Gynaecologist

2. Wee Rambo

3. The Killa

4. The One True Gentleman

5. Petawatt

6. The Baptist

7. Ginger Implosion

8. Santanders Claus (only shows up once a year)

9. Bottleneck

10. C Koch.

Apologies: President Damage (Raiding Macy's), The Professor (Bothering Borderers), Rob's French Mate that played once and hated Sarkozy (France).

No Apologies, Just Ignorant No Showism: Sea Cock.

Nine players took part in the penultimate game of the season at Kev's Colosseum last Saturday and things could hardly have set up the 2012 Championship Game in early January any better.

I say nine, there were of course ten places set to begin with, but the Tenth Man, in this age of blanket electronic communication opportunities was unable to relay his non-attendance in any way. The host was visibly upset at this brazen rudeness and had to be talked down from a nearby tree before the match could commence. Typical Eskhill/Gilmerton slumdog behaviour I must say, nothing a good thrashing couldn't put right!!!

As is tradition within these pages, the winner of the battle is treated with whatever the opposite of kid gloves are (Granny mittens?). I'm reluctant to be too harsh this time though, preferring to keep my spare ire as usual for Petawatt for some as yet to be understood subconscious reason. Firstly because the twat wot won put me out en route, which gives me some sort of claim to being the second best player on the night despite finishing fourth. And secondly, because the manner of his victory, relying on luck above skill, hitting his own cards and dodging those of everyone else, is my preferred manner of victory every three years or so. It's reassuring to know that skill isn't always the main factor in victory.

All underhand tactics welcome

In his own words, the first man ejected summarised his night as "Guid cairds, nae luck". Two nines in the hand done for the Bottleneck against QQ in the grubby paws of the Doctor and we were down to eight. Rumours abound that Bottleneck will be spending next summer in the States at Poker Boot Camp to reinvigorate his play.

8th place was accepted by Dunderblouse. Commuting these days from just north of Reykjavik has limited his participation in the last year or so and when he has made it across the ocean's and range's he's had to turn round and head straight home again more or less as he takes off his Parka. In a bid to eradicate all opposition in quick time the shady Icelander brought a bottle of Absinthe to add to the Bomb ingredients we've accumulated. Tipping the scales at 55% the Bomb Bros held off until after the break before having to sample the poison. By then it was too late for the former Blouse. Holding a flush draw the assembled PP$'rs were cock-a-hoop when The Baptist 'Aced Aces' by tripping his A on the flop, a favourite ploy of the former from yesteryear.

The Championship race was then blown wide open. The GingaPrince is imploding before our very eyes in the style of Kevin Keegan back in 95-96. A PP$ resignation in the toilets might not be far off taking this particular analogy two football steps too far for most of the attendees. GingaPrince, pushing with a KJ v Killawatt who paired a 6 to send the Championship Leader into a deep dark hole of doubt. Are we going to witness final table pain akin to his 2010 heartbreak? As it stands (overall table will be 'released prior to the Championship Game), he still sits top with four victories, but Killawatt and The Doctor with three wins and better averages are right in the hunt with a game to play.

With two last place finishes in his first two appearances in our shark pit, The Baptist was in dire need of some improvement and found it as he made it past the Munchy Break for the first time alighting in 6th place. My memory and notes are unclear although I think he left clutching a low flush after previously coming back from the dead in a hand v The Doctor.

Petawatt who is desperately trying to find the win that'll guarantee me the Overall Wooden Spoon in 2012 perished next in 5th. The Doctor hit the river with a K to clobber the former's A5. There could be a few of us signing up to that boot camp next summer!!!

Then it was my turn. Again it was The Pussy Doctor who lucked out. My K4 hit a K on the flop, as did his K6. Once all the cards were out the 6 counted and I went into a huff for 5 minutes trying not to catch site of his beaming mug.

With three players left, GingaRadge was hoping Killawatt didn't win to take the overall lead for the year. If he'd have hung about he'd have been delighted as The Doctor produced an AK v Killawatt's A7 and the reigning champion had to leave the table just as the money joined.

Which God do/don't you believe in again?

On pint night in the Croon on Wednesday, a whimpering Little Rambo beseeched me to report sympathetically on his second place finish feeling he'd been somewhat hard done by. This is akin to Rupert Murdoch pleading for a fair trial when he's eventually dragged before Justice. If you dish it out when it's going your way it is most unbecoming to squeal like a pig when the great Flying Poker Spaghetti Monster deign's to anoint another. I quelled my opprobrium, until now.

Being a tad fair, maybe he was referring to hands such as his J7 v Q4. On the flop came a 7, then a 4 before the river turned out to be a Q. Maybe he has a case as that would have been the winning hand, instead Dr Pussy doubled up and ultimately used another Q4 to gub Rambo's A8.

Like all winners, The Doctor was unbearable in victory with the assembled crowd vehemently disagreeing with any assessment he made of his performance. It does however move him up to three wins alongside Killawatt, both with a better average than Four Wins Gingle Berries making the last game of 2012 a three-way tussle for the trophy.

Result - 24/11/2012

It is well and truly squeaky bum time in the Palace of the Ginger Prince as his two game lead was slashed to just one by a resurgent Killawatt on Saturday evening. Not just that but the regal pretender was unceremoniously dumped out in 7th with only Bottleneck to break his fall!!!

This looks like a job for the Superman Bomb!!!

1. Killawatt
2. Thunderfunk
3. Dino the Vino
4. The Gentleman
5. Wee Rambo
6. Petawatt
7. GingaRadge
8. Bottleneck

With a screaming little miracle due to thunk into a bucket in the new year (© Bill Hicks), this was billed as the last game ever scheduled to take place at the Rare Books Arena. Patrons didn't appear too perturbed, in this age of retiral's and comebacks (Hatton, Schumacher, Jordan, Streisand), a withdrawal of service usually isn't worth the Nexus it's typed on. Nonetheless a backup venue was immediately sought with Wee Rambo announcing he'd be more than happy to create a clearing in his jungle for some caird battles next season. Naming rights still available.

With an eye on marking the end of the Rare Books era, the Bomb Bros ensured proceedings would go swimmingly by supplying ingredients and receptacles for the latest Bombz. The evening was kicked off for the non-drivers with the newly devised Superman Bomb (see above pic). This led us directly into the first hand as one Bomb too many was poured, meaning the victor in the 1st hand would get the spare and be two whole Bombz to the good before the start of the second hand. Bombtastic!!!

Combining my skinflint tendencies and my alcohol problems, I was swiftly installed as favourite for that first hand and took it down with a minimum of fuss. Might be an idea to pretend there is drink for the victor of all hands from now on.

The soon to be mothballed Rare Books Arena

Sounding an early warning of things to come Killawatt drew first blood by eliminating the host with a full house on the flop in the last hand before the break. Bottleneck's big slick took a right hiding before stating to your blogger to note in the match report that "Bottleneck is unhappy with his luck". This is about as apeshit as I've seen him get.

The curse of the best hand soon did for the GingaRadge too. Looking good with two big dirty Kings against Dunderfunk's 10-10 his disgust was evident when a third 10 appeared. His Power Rangers, toy car and favourite teddy bear were slung across the table and Petawatt had to fetch the tissue while the rest of us cleared up his discarded toys.

While Gingle Berries cooled off on the naughty step Petawatt exited in 6th with a KJ against The Doctors KK. Poker fate wasn't as cruel to the Dr's Kings and the game was sad to see an unusually alert Petawatt join the casualty list. It was pointed out that this blog has historically been harsh on my closest wooden spoon contender, for that I do not apologise. All ire is earned, any praise is usually an oversight.

A particularly ugly threesome then took place between Killawatt, Wee Rambo and The Man with No Nickname. The latter was chip boss, Killawatt was all -in and in deep trouble whilst Wee Rambo put bravery before cowardice and shoved nobly. Killawatt had the best hand taking the side pot and getting a big double up, which wouldn't be the last time on the night. This left Wee Rambo against Dunderfunk in the main pot with WR being sucked out by a low kicker, Dunderfunk having "forgot about the side pot aspect".

So all of a sudden I was in the top four, not quite playing the game of my life, but almost enjoying the cairds for once. It wasn't to last. An A4 prompted The Gentleman to push all-in, Killawatt (not a gentleman) raised with an A5, but was gazumped by The Doctor with an AK and forced to fold, as you'd expect, wittering on about what the Dr should have done. Knocking me out and winning the hand obviously not good enough for the Hairy Oracle.

Dunderfunk, looking to put himself out having overran his pass, got busy with 89 clubs and met Killawatt in pocket Cowboys mode. Hitting a flush on the turn left Killa needing a 2, 5, 7, K or club to knock out the Dunderfunk, he missed and suddenly we had a big chip leader.

With three players left there was now a run of big clashes. Dunderfunk trying to go home, The Doctor waiting on good cards and Killawatt in amongst it probably playing the best poker.

Dunderfunk 66 v Killa AK all-in - AK both came, big double up

With the blinds now at 500/1000 The Doctor went out in third, Dunderfunk still trying to go home moving in with 34 suited hit a 4 v The Doctor's A9 suited and Dr Consistency was no more.

Dunderfunk soon had Killa all in with a Q9 against J7, but nobody hit a thing and Killa again had a big double up. Soon they were locking horns again. Killa emerged victorious with another big double up as his 44 turned into a straight against J3. Soon Killa's 44 tripped to overcome a JJ this time leaving the former Blouse floundering badly. But he was right back in it when an A7 was far too good for A4.

While such a ding dong is exciting in most sports, the vanquished spectators were beginning to bore somewhat. Another factor, with your scribe about 6 Bombs and 3 cans into the evening, not forgetting the sundry impediments to lucidity, all this was becoming quite difficult to accurately or legibly document and I was relieved when a conclusion was finally reached. Killawatt's A5 was all over Dunderfunk's 10-5 and the money was staying in the Cuik!!!!

Au revoir to Le Rare Books Arena. Can the GingaPrince hold on for another title, although he is no stranger to a last day crash and burn either? Will Killawatt retain his crown? Will The Doctor be able to have a final say in matters? More importantly, who will 'win' the widden spin???

President's Re-election - PP$ Implications

Bang

As the results of the US election emerged it became clear that the PP$ would have to wait at least another four years before President Damage could take leave from his Capitol Hill duties and return to the Penicuik Poker big time for good.

A win for the lizard-in-a-suit challenger, Titt Robme would have allowed President Damage to leave the storm battered nation and return home after being forced to move there following his shock election victory over Sarah Palin four years ago.

A Washington insider said "the President's general hatred of everything kept him ahead in the hate polls. He showed levels of hatred and intolerance the Republicans could only dream of. Add to that the bucketloads of sarcasm he dishes out, the God botherers didn't stand a chance".

One former teacher remarked "he was a right obstreporous wee bugger at school and wouldn't let anyone stand in his way, I always knew he'd never let anyone block his path to the world's top job, Mrs McGregor tried it once and he laid her out cold, after that we just gave him A's and smiled".

Championship Table

The Gentleman's position (geddit?)

The Doctor moves up one place at the expense of Sea Cock and Killawatt after his latest victory now giving GingaRadge a third reason to keep looking over his shoulder as he pursues the trophy. Despite appearances to the contrary, the Doctor's record of six top-two finishes in 11 games suggests either he is indeed a canny player, or alternatively the rest of us just canny play. I speak at least for myself in this last respect. However it has been noted that my prescription at the beginning of Heids-up in the last game that he should down his Bomb forthwith to help increase either his chances of winning or negation of pain in the case of a defeat quite spectacularly propelled him to the 'W'.

Conversely to The Doctor, Petawatt, a seeming paragon of clever consistency at the table finds himself languishing winless and too close to the wooden spoon for comfort. Indeed, if anyone beats me to the wooden spoon after the form and luck I've unbeknowingly inflicted upon myself, they'll have to seriously consider their future in cairds altogether.

Half Plus One = 7

Gingle Berries                       12    4    3    3    145   12.083
Dr Doctor                              11    2    4    1    128   11.636
Killawatt                                 12    2    0    0    127   10.583
Sea Cock                                8     2    0    0     83    10.375
Wee Rambo                           10    1    1    0    106   10.600
Bottleneck                               11    1    1    4     70     6.364
Petawatt                                  13    0    2    0    138   10.615
The One True Gentleman      12    0    2    2     93     7.750

Next game is scheduled for the Rare Books Arena on Saturday 24th November I do believe. Sadly this will most likely be the last game at aforementioned venue due to previous nocturnal shenanigans (purely a euphemism, activities may well have been during daylight).

Saturday 27th October - Result

Dr Victorious

1. The Gynaecologist
2. Ginga Radge
3. Wee Rambo
4. Sea Cock
5. Killawatt
6. Petawatt
7. The One True Gentleman
8. Bottleneck

Apologies: The Damage (Eastern Seaboard), Hurricane Andy (Eastern Seaboard), L.I.Am (In the studio), The Prof (almost totally retired).

As the end of the season and the exalted Championship Game loom into sight, playaz begin to get a bit twitchy around this time of year. With the publication of an up to date Championship Table before the game all manner of permutations swill around inside the mostly empty bonce's of the PP$ massive.

When an inanimate plastic button just won't do

The Raj of Gingia finds himself atop the 2012 rankings and within sight of a first championship for between 2-7 years (stats office is closed on a Sunday as I write this, if indeed you can classify this as writing). It is often said she holds only a Plan A (a rather decent Plan A, but one single plan nonetheless) and her stats bear this out somewhat. After this game she has now played 12 games and finished 1st, 2nd or last in 10 of them. A high risk strategy that might pay off in poker, but maybe think twice about getting in this dude's motor should you have designs on ultimately reaching your destination.

Early excitement was provided with the introduction of an all-singing, all-dancing new dealer chip, see photo.

Whilst all players survived until after the break (The Baptist & The Prof not in attendance & Ginga Radge not getting a good enough all-in hand til post-munchies) it was Bottleneck who was out the traps early accumulating the first decent chipstack. Famous from Cornbank to Reno for not having an endgame, this didn't concern many at the table and not long after saying he was yet to hear a Savile joke, then being bombarded by some, he was, metaphorically at least, like Sir Jimmy, lying six feet under in an unmarked grave.

The One True Gentleman, who is vying with Bottleneck for the wooden spoon, continued on his teary run of form.  The very next hand after Bottleneck's demise the former Raiser was all-in with 77 and up against two players with aces. Being ahead at this stage, just like being behind at this stage means The Gentleman is going to lose. Another Ace appeared and I finished 3rd in a hand I was leading when I pushed. Christ even I'm bored stupid with my hard luck stories now.

The next hand saw a Watt-off. Brunette Watt, on a granny shoved all-in behind a 78 whilst Blonde Watt had to back his AQ. The former hit both his cards whilst dodging either of the latter's. While I may be bored stupid with my own hard luck stories, YET AGAIN, WHY THE HELL CAN'T I HOLD UP OR GET LUCKY LIKE THIS, EVER, never mind from behind like Brunette Watt here??? Drives me mad.

With consecutive hands knocking out Bottleneck, then The Gentleman, then Killawatt surviving an all-in, just two hands later it was Petawatt's turn to seek the exit. His AQ v Ginga Radge's AQ looked OK until the Radge hit his flush on the river. It really was Deathsville!!!

Killawatt soon got a taste of what it's like to be The Gentleman shoving his stack behind 88. Sea Cock fancied a K4 for some reason, hit his K and the Watt clan lay slain on the field of battle.

By now, just like a couple of games ago, the Ginga Prince had sat patiently with rubbish cards all night before now beginning to hit hand after hand and building a chip empire to match. His overall lead came when his 33 held up against a flush chasin Dr with A9.

Sea Cock, who is trying to get a new nickname with a sweary word in it past the censors of this blog (me) left the game in 4th place. Forced into action with an A6, the A-10 of the new chip leader beat him up good.

This left two potential winners and a patsy in the shapes of Ginga Radge, Wee Rambo & The Doctor of Doodling. Wee Rambo, not working at 4am, left the game in 3rd place after his KQ met a 67 and the flop came 10-9-8 making it cash on the table time.

Championship Leader Gingle Berries was massive favourite at this point with 15,200 chips to the Doctor's 1600. Unfortunately I forget what the blinds were. But it didn't look good for the Doctor who until now, rather unusually, had managed to avoid hoying all his chips in behind cock-all on a mad whim. No doubt this would happen soon.

Heads up Spab Boy action

Spectators were soon diving for cover as the wheels spectacularly began falling off of the Flame Haired bandwagon. First The Doctor hit a higher straight to double up. Then all-in with AJ he met a AK but hit a J (again, I refer you back to my years of bad luck, this does not happen to The One True Gentlemen, thank goodness for all of us I never go on about it). Then the Doctor had 10-10 and found himself against 6-6 and tripped a 10. The Championship Leader was floundering badly by now. Even when he scrambled some chips back and the overall stacks were even enough, the psychological game was done and dusted and it only seemed a matter of time until his ultimate demise. It came when his 55 found The Doctor holding AQ suited. An A duly arrived, the game was over and an unlikely win fell into the lap of The Gynaecologist. Any delusions that he played well or worse, 'deserved' the win can be easily countered by referring back to his AJ v AK win. Loocky, loocky bastid!!!!

Championship Table

12 Games - Half Plus One = 7

                                               P    W    2nd    L     Pts       Ave
GingaPrince                           11     4       2      3    128   11.636
Killawatt                                 11    2      0      0     119    10.818
Sea Cock                                7      2      0     0      72     10.286
The Dr                                    10    1      4     1      108   10.800
Wee Rambo                            9      1      1     0      92     10.222
Bottleneck                               10    1     1      3      70      7.000
Petawatt                                  12    0     2      0      133    11.083
The One True Gentleman        11     0     2      2       91     8.273

Former Blouse                         5      1     0      2      37      7.400

Result - Saturday 6th October

The Baptist's bro

1. Gingle Berries
2. Bottleneck
3. Wee Rambo
4. The Raizerio
5. Sea Cock
6= Killawatt
6= Petawatt
8. The Dr
9. The Baptist

This week, at Kev's Colosseum, as part of my continuing expiation of past poker sins I once more subjected myself to continued strafing by the Gods of Poker.

Article Aid

How the fudge was that for an opening line my poker playing cohorts????? Due to the late completion of this match report I have endeavoured to push out the proverbial boat and extol a game description from some higher realm.

My spell in poker purgatory appears to be nearing it's cessation as those aforementioned and very fickle deities allowed me to rise to the giddy heights of fourth (4th) place making my attendance almost (almost) worthwhile for once.

Ah if only The Raizerio hadn't been able to make it, surmised The Baptist, who got stabbed in the front in a fateful hand where your humble and increasingly gentlemanly narrator escaped serious injury in an early all-in manscrap to the poker death.

With successive regeneration from JackSix to The Raiser through The Raizerio I now appear to have settled in my new form as The One True Gentleman of Poker. Whilst L.I.Am suffered an early exit holding 66677 to my 77766, my hand was not the Nuts with a shining bullet lurking on the flop and his long considered call to my all-in re-raise sent a tremor of trepidity amongst my very being. But I did not shed a tear for his pickle for in a game of poker, emotion is left at the door along with your weapon.

Amongst this hand of mortal fate the condescension so often oozing from the pores of the Killawatt bubbled to the surface. A thorough slab of wisdom was awarded, gratis, to Scotland's only member of the Blackeyedpeas amid-hand whilst fully amidst The Gentleman's crosshairs. Whilst The One True Gentleman was asked for his permission prior to the dissemination of Killawatt's pansophy, your poor humble scribe was placed within an instant predicament. To agree to allow the advice was a humongous tell. To disagree would emit an equally humongous tell. Your author wonders about the magnitude of the explosion that would have taken place had these tables been turned around upon the former legendary champion herself. But no harm done from this perspective, The Baptist was out and The Gentleman had won his second hand in 4 years.

In a nine player game there are two paths to tread. Either undertake an early program of wealth accumulation by knocking people out and/or winning mukka-chukka hands or simply hang on for grim death. After Mr Am's early fatality each competitor adopted the latter strategy and so everybody seemed to bleed dry of their lifechips leaving a few vulnerable seats.

The Doctor was amidst these benighted peoples, usually at the behest of continual reminders from the other players not to risk anything rash. This inadvertently resulted in never winning anything worthwhile. His last hurrah was an all-in push with that most comical of hands, the old J-6. But the slayer of recent games past, Ol' Sea Penis himself matched the Doctor's chips and revealed A-6. The Doctor required urgent medical assistance, but was treated like a lame horse, Sea Cock's bullet finishing him off.

Seventh position remained vacant this day as the next victim was a double homicide by the Bottleneck. Both Watt's had AK, Sea Cock stayed interested astride A-10 while Bottleneck kept royal company with the King and his Queen. The only card to help anyone was another Q and the victor declared himself the Wattanator!!! While Killawatt's form has been relatively indifferent of late, this was the first time Petawatt had finished outside the top 3 since 1897.

Wee Rambo's Hope Diamond

The doublekill almost developed into an all out bloodbath the very next hand. Ginga Radge piled all-in with AK and found himself up against 66 held by the jungle running, helicopter flying, knife stabbing Wee Rambo. But a K appeared keeping the soon to be Ice Road Trucker lived to truck another day.

So 5th place was reserved for Sea Cock as his status decamped from 'Still in' to 'Oot' in a hand with shades of that which ended the participation of The Doctor. With little option other than hope for the best with a J7, Ginga Prince extinguished the fishy lifeblood of the sailing Sea Cock with a decisive K7 and then there were four.

And I was somehow still one of them. As was Bottleneck. But with Wee Rambo (lucky) and Ginga Radge (trucky) making up the four, we already knew we wouldn't be able to win.

Gingle Berries listening material

I utilised all the gumption I've shown recently by manufacturing a position where I was all in with J2. It was no match for the Q8 of Bottleneck and the weaklings of the foursome succeeded in making the ultimate goal of victory even easier for the two favourites when Queenboy hit another 8. Now that I am The One True Gentleman of Poker, I do not point out that I never hit in these positions while always suffering exactly the opposite when my opponent hits cards he usually doesn't even require.

A spectacular mash up ensued at the next crossroads when Wee Rambo pushed his remaining wealth behind 4-5 of diamantes. The Prince couldn't avoid the showdown with his QQ. By the cessation of the hand Penicuik's very own Sly Stallone impersonator had hit two Hope Diamonds before the appearance of a third Killer Queen.

Liquid Lunch

Online betting closed immediately as this pitted GingaTomatoSoupAddict against eighteen times married Bottleneck in a heads-up bitch slap that was only going to have one winner. The latter flew at the former with 77 (diamonds and clubs) but was beaten back down with 88 (diamonds and clubs) as the weight of poker history refused to allow Bottleneck a second win of the season. The end soon arrived as Bottleneck's Q6 flapped to a slow and painful death, like a Mackerel in a Mackerel fisherman's creel. The Radge already had enough with a K3 and strode onto the winners podium with the arrival of an aggrandising 3.

Result - Saturday 22nd September

1. Gingle Berries

The Raiser (since March 2011)

2. Petawatt

3. Wee Rambo

4. Sea Cock

5. Killawatt

6. The Raizerio

7. Bottleneck

8. Dr Doctor

Apologies: The Damage (Babysitting), Player Formerly Known As Da Blouse (No excuse), Player Formerly Known As The Raiser (Still Sending Cheaper Mexican Equivalent Until Further Notice).

Any joy has long since been sucked out of this wretched game. So I embarked on the evening fully expecting to donate a fiver to an undeserving cause and hoping not to come last. By this criteria my evening was a raging success. Indeed, despite being about as hopeless, useless and rubbish as its possible to be, I still lasted longer than two other players.

With myself and Bottleneck struggling to find a winning hand between us, in the meantime The Doctor still managed to donate chips aplenty to the willing Watts. Petawatt was especially subsidised before The Doctor reached his panic phase. This is the phase he uses to exit every game he doesn't win. It goes something like:

• Lose a hand
• Get rubbish cards next hand
• Panic
• Go all in with nothing

This pattern was followed to the letter to the point that before his panic all-in bet had hit the baize, The Raizerio was exclaiming "Spunk, Spunk, Spunk alert, he's Spunking all his chips". He was called and if I recall correctly, had a 8 high.

So he transferred to shuffling and dealing duties whilst two other players were still wrestling with their granny. Eventually I was able to win a hand, my only one of the night. As I did, I noticed a small tear form in the corner of Bottlenecks eye and run down his cheek. By jove I'd broken him with a little help from Texas Hold'em. He was soon all in blind with a 3-4 off suit and a look of real hatred in his eyes as his challenge expired. It might have been tiredness, I get awfy confused.

So I've won one hand. Two fine players are out. Yet Sea Cock and Petawatt, somehow with decent chipstacks appear to be struggling with the simplest of instructions such as this:

GingaRadge: 240 to you Sea Cock

Sea Cock: (Thinks for an hour or so until the buzzer goes a couple of times, makes some funny noises)

The Raiser: You know its you yeah?

Sea Cock: Ahh its just so difficult, I can't work it out, how much is it to me.

The Raiser: (talking in caps now) TWOHUNDREDANDFORTYFFS, what's to work out?

Sea Cock: (makes some more funny noises)

The Raiser: You're so obviously going to fold, just fold, will you fold, please fold, I've got a wife and kids you know, I don't want to die this wayayayayay.

Sea Cock: (inevitably) Fold.

Earlier, we'd witnessed a hand that wouldn't be out of place in a 'How not to play poker' tutorial. The Doctor had already turned over his A-10 long before the conclusion of the hand giving him an almost unassailable A-high straight. The Cock o' the Sea contrived to be in the hand until the showdown when he at least got the 'when to turn your cards over' bit right. This is when the rest of the table noticed that he had a straight flush from K to 9 (I mean, how couldn't any competent player notice they had a straight flush?). Last to bet, with a straight flush (aka The Nuts), didn't raise. Astonishing.

Why the ire at people who consistently stay in longer than you but don't seem to know what they're doing Raizerio? Coz I had him by the danglies earlier in the night and he hit the river to win, and had the cheek to complain. Talk about pressing all my buttons at once. And after all that he still hasn't procured me a free boat despite insistent reminders. Really needs to get his finger out.

Cripes, almost forgot to whinge about my own exit. So there I was getting shocking cards all night, as you do, then the cheating dealer basturts cocked up and dealt me a pair of 8's by mistake. Needing three snookers by this stage to get out of trouble, I took my chance. This is where the witch entered the hand.

In former more enlightened times we used to burn these evil doers at the stake. Nowadays they hide behind names like 'Scientist' and 'Poker Pro'. Claiming to use some sort of twisted anti-intuition backed up with dirty little statistics, experiments and observation, the insidious Killawatt embarked on wrondoing twofold. Firstly he thought that it was sensible to call with a J4 off suit, but secondly and worse still, just chucked any sort of etiquette out the window. I mean how rude is it to win a hand with rotten cards against an honest fella playing genuinely and never once complaining when the cards don't go his way. A decent person would have mucked them there and then. I don't care what the experts say, when there are no manners left, we'd be as well just handing the keys over the the fanatics. Naturally, when the cards came, the evil dealer conspiracy had regained control of things. There wasn't a single 8 in sight, just a Joke, I mean Jack and The Raizerio was sent to sit in the corner.

So 6th place for me and 5th for the bitch that stuck the knife in. In a pot v Captain Birdseye both players held an A. Two A's on the flop ensured a fight to the bitter end, Killawatt eventually being out kicked. The sympathy around the table was non-existent after his earlier wild-eyed rantings along the lines of "I'm as honest as they come", to the mirth of those who know him best.

Killawatt's slayer, one time championship contender, Unabomber and general table-pisser-offer Sea Cock took his leave in 4th (are we still only at 4th place?). His K-10 suited avoided as many cards as Wee Rambo's A-9 off suit. Never one to avoid an opportunity to display his ignorance Mr Cock exited muttering the word "unbelievable". Aye, unbelievable if I'd been holding the A-9 (my good cards never hold up, my poor cards never come from behind, but as I keep saying, I never go on about it), but hardly 'unbelievable'.

By this point Petawatt, chip leader for the most part had frittered away many of the chips he'd taken from The Doc and elsewhere and was sitting in 3rd (regular readers will know that Petawatt has a fetish for silver and bronze medals and the clever chat (me) predicted more of the same. Wee Rambo was dancing on either side of the safe/unsafe divide whilst GingaStinga's evening was turning into one of those where you win 3 hands all night, then the last 3 hands and suddenly you're off home with the prize in your pocket.

The next fatality occurred after a Wee Rambo v Petawatt showdown. The former held 5-3 suited against 44. Nobody hit and we were down to Two.

There was a little bit of life left in the match, but not much. A6 (Ginga) v A4 (Peta) soon brought things to a head and when the radgest of the two paired his 6 on the flop, a fat lady began to sing.

Next game in a fortnight I believe. I'll get the overall table updated in the next few days.

Result - Saturday 1st September

Amazingly, these are not the most nutritious

As I was absent due to something mildly more entertaining happening elsewhere, the last game will not have the customary entertaining report from Mr Oomble Scribe. This post also has the potential to contain many factual inaccuracies as I am having to rely largely on second-hand testimony. I can verify the top 2, as I arrived as the game concluded, the rest of the placings were provided by Doc/Killa and they didn't really seem to have a clue what had gone on.

What's new?

1. DunderBlouse
2. Dr Doctor
3. Peta 'hang in as long as possible til you bleed out in 2nd or 3rd' Watt
4. Killawatt
5. Cock o'the Sea
6. Ginga 'notso' Radge

For match report addicts, I can provide this small sop. Post PP$ there remained Doc, Killa, Peta & Raiselicious. Gagging on some caird action I moronically forgot about the 21 month run of anti-luck I've been navigating. A mini game of dealers choice began with a £100 buy-in (accuracy +/- £99) making the pot FOUR WHOLE POUNDS. Not to be sniffed at I'm sure you'll agree. About 5 hands in I got a AJ, pushed with it, came up against Petawatt's 99 and hit SFA. Why do I bother? As always, perfectly fine as an individual hand, but if I can't rely on luck what else can I rely on???

Nice wee bad beat whinge out the way.

Before the next game at the Rare Books Arena, I'll tot up the Overall Table. Also, I think with a few players in with a shout this season, we should finalise the remaining fixtures in advance, preferably at the next game. Therefore, ideally, bring a list of dates you are free on a Saturday night to the next match and we can, like the grown-ups we are, amicably devise a schedule.

Bombs

The vessels

Aye, what are these bombs I've been hearing about man?

BOOM BANG-A-BANG, da bombs are the latest craze to sweep Kev's Colosseum. Want to learn more, read on...

One day, a dude called Petawatt bought some Red Bull and a bottle of Jagermeister. He combined these two substances into one magic potion called a Jagerbomb. Known in Germany as a Turbojager or a Flying Stag while the Finns are a bit more descriptive calling it Battery Acid.

This potent mix soon became a means for poker players to enhance their performances flying in the face of conventional wisdom.

Simple mathematics

But Killawatt yearned for more. One day, after a near two decade hiatus, he once again began sniffing around the parental drinks cabinet and was rewarded with some Kahlua, Cointreau, some Disaronno and a toffee liqueur from the Canary Islands. He then complemented these weapons with some red bull. A couple of 'bomb glasses' also entered his possession. His guns were now loaded!!!

Accompanied by The Raiser, they got tucked in like the don't-know-when-to-stop-Scots they are!!!

Next stop after the JagerBomb was a Skittle Bomb. This is also known in parts of Asia as a C-Bomb. It has now established itself as Killawatts favourite bomb. In the midst of a SkittleBomb afterjudder, The Raiser conceived the idea for a BucksFizzBomb. The bomb that writes itself. Cointreau in the middle, Champers round the outside. Champagne was duly purchased for the very next session.

This idea marked Phase 2 in Bomb development. Firstly it was the first invented bomb in the Killa/Raiser armoury, but it also put alcohol in the inner AND outer bomb components. Ya dancer!!!

Any mixer will do

It became apparent to participants - Petawatt was usually still involved after some regulation brotherly peer pressure - that two flimsy bomb glasses just weren't enough. The internet was duly scoured until suitably enhanced receptacles were identified. At this point the new art of Bomb drinking pretty much exploded. Bang!!!

More alcohol made its way into the glitzy new collection. Never before considered substances such as Limoncello and Cherry Brandy were mixed with all manner of energy drinks with scant flavour information and names generally unconnected to anything a sensible person should consume (Relentless, Monster, P***y, etc).

Understandably, the true evolution of our Bombs is a little hazy. As pioneers breaking new ground, we have scaled some delicious heights and shuddered and juddered below some truly disastrous combinations (toffee & lemon or the more controversial marzipan & champagne). So I've decided to list below the successes and shall leave you to experiment however you like with these Bombs being a great starting point.

A third of the price of the real stuff

JagerBomb
Inside: 1 shot of Jagermeister
Outside: Red Bull or equivalent (i.e. KX Energy drink)
Description: Not as bad as you may fear, especially if you were brought up on the industrial tastes of Aftershock, Tequila or Sambuca. A nice hit usually followed by a shudder or two.
Rating: 5/5

SkittleBomb
Inside: 1 shot of Cointreau
Outside: Red Bull or equivalent
Description: The Cointreau is 40% and packs an equivalent punch, but the Skittle aftertaste does enough. Although you've definitely had a drink, the lingering sweetie effect is very pleasant
Rating 5/5

DoubleLollyBomb
Inside: 1 shot if Disaronno or Amaretto
Outside: KX Red Berry
Description: The shot is marzipan/almond and when it mixes with the berry drink the leftover taste is very similar to Double Lollies. The Raisers favourite. Unfortunately the shot is only around 22% leading to accusations from Skittle Bomb afficionado's that it's not all it could be. Means I just have to have twice as many!!!
Rating: 5/5

BucksFizzBomb
Inside: 1 shot of Cointreau
Outside: Champagne or fizzy plonk equivalent
Description: This is the posh one, based on the Bucks Fizz (fresh orange juice in Champagne), its the true Rolls Royce of Bombs. Great for kicking off special occasions and any other occasion too. Don't forget, it has the blow-yer-socks-off ability as it's got alcohol in both compartments. Boom!!!
Rating: 5/5

KahToffeeBomb
Inside: Toffee liqueur
Outside: Kahlua, not as much as you'd normally pour for a mixer
Description: Another double strength BoomBomb, this wee bastirt packs an unsuspecting punch generating a hot afterjudder. Tastes lovely then Blam, you're three post bomb shudders in, loving it and saying 'ooh, dunno if I want another one of those'!!!!
Rating: 5/5



TropiToffeeBomb
Inside: Toffee Liqueur
Outside: KX Tropical
Description: Booyakasha, it turns out it IS the toffee that packs the hot slap, but it's nicely curtailed with a Lilt-esque tropical energy drink courtesy of the local Tesco. This would be the business on a hot beach somewhere, even though it has only so far been road tested durung our sodden summer.
Rating: 5/5

LemonCherryBerryBomb
Inside: Cherry Brandy & Limoncello
Outside: KX Red Berry
Description: Another borderline alcoholic innovation from Da Bomb Bros, this time two alcohols are mixed in the middle and complemented with the berry outer ring. It might be fruit-tastic, but it passes the Killawatt test of being "not too much like real fruit". Refreshing and rewrites Rule 1 of drinking - DO mix your drinks!!!
Rating: 5/5

Result - 21/07/2012

Sea Cock & breadcrumbs

1. Sea Cock
2. The Doctor
3. Wee Rambo
4. Petawatt
5. Bottleneck
6. Killawatt
7. The Raiser

Four bitch slappins into this game I'd had enough and pumped my remaining stack on QQ. Not only was this already behind the KK held by Bottleneck, the first card turned was another big durty K, well whaddayaknow. A blessed relief to be shot of this stupid fudgin pastime!!!!

The Dr after a Tropitoffee Bomb

Arriving late I'd missed a major Killawatt misjudgement. Playing & beating The Doctor all the way through a hand with the aid of a 9 of hearts to make his middling flush, he turned to show - eek - a 9 of diamonds. A 'reverse dean' against the inventor of 'doing a dean'. Revenge for the Championship Leader didn't come during the remainder of the game but was meted out later with all manner of bombs leaving the "english" one (he declared that earlier) near whiteying on the couch begging for mercy and spewing champagne bubbles into a basin. Puir wee scone!!!

The Dr post Bucks Fizz Bomb

Noticing the likelihood that his condition might later provoke the author of a local poker blog to cherry pick details in a manner akin to the style used in the national press, thereby inferring The Doctor was anything other than hardcore alcoholic since birth and somehow couldn't handle drink when presented in a novelty glass and a range of colours, and consequently prompting the Doctor to have to write an email complaining about such lack of journalistic integrity, The Doctor sprang from his slumbers.

Hopping from foot to foot he chopped down the remaining slovenly Scots in the room with a mixture of PHd level chat and strafing right/left upper cut combo's. In a flash he'd put the table back in the cupboard, emptied the ashtrays and done the dishes so he couldn't later be accused of being all bad. Without breaking stride he was down to Glentress in a matter of moments on an undersized trike with no tyres and one gear, booting it round the mountain side backwards whilst still wearing his shades. The polis warn against this, which made it all the more daring from the Beast of Bowburn. Finally deciding his manhood had been redeemed almost enough, The Doctor decided to return to the Colosseum the long way by kicking Froome into the scrub and pacemaking for Wiggins for an entire stage to ensure a maiden English (surely British) victory in the Tour de France. He's too often under appreciated, but its the unnoticed hard yards he puts in that people don't always see that make the man great (is this enough yet, I'm boring myself now?).

All accusations of tabloidry against this blog completely scuppered with this upskirt shot of the Dr after a Double Lolly Bomb

Whilst Killawatt survived that error with a few chips left, a mini comeback (one of my aforementioned bitch slappins) had given him a route back in. The crunch came soon after v Sea Cock. Killa held two spades. Sea Cock held two clubs. After the turn card there were two more spades and two more clubs out, so both players flushing. The club came, Sea Cock triumphed and Killawatt was sent to reflect on where his previous poker dominance has decided to hide.

It was Bottlenecks turn next to feel the Cock of the Sea. The formers 44 nowhere near good enough to overcome 99 from the Salty Ol' Sea Dog. Then Petawatt was the next to be done up like a kipper by Captain Birdseye choking slowly like a fish in an empty bucket, I think a 10-2 off suit being the death rattle of a disappointingly nondescript performance.

Wee Rambo couldn't do better than 3rd place when his Q8 was shown the door when Sea Cock's suited A4 flopped a straight.

Suddenly there are two players who don't have a clue what day it is vying for the money and worse still, pushing right into Championship contention. Sea Cock who'd slain everyone so far apart from your humble narrator who'd deliberately fell on his sword in a huff and Doctor 'I'm awake, no, I'm sleeping again, no, I'm awake, no, I've lost it again, what's happening, HOW MOOCH' Dot-to-dot (I admit, that name might not catch on). Doctor Etc thought a Q5 was a good hand against Sea Cocks KJ suited. The cards arrived in this order; 9-3-8-K-K and it was good night ya drunken bums as the designated driver pocketed the pennies and left with his second win of the season, although crucially, he is short of his half-plus-one qualification, so it might all be in vain.

Up To Date Table

Half way through the year, half way through the season, has to be said, still anyone's championship. Half plus one is currently 5 games and shall remain so after next week (21st July @ Kev's Colosseum).

A machine for zapping Watts!!!!

                         P     W     2nd     L     Pts     Ave

Killawatt           7       2       0       0      92     13.14

GingaStinga     8        2       2       2      88     11.00

The Doctor       6       1       2        0      75     12.50

Wee Rambo     6       1        1      0       51      8.50

Bottleneck        7       1        0      3       45      6.43

Petawatt           8       0       1       0       87     10.88

The Raiser        8       0        2      1       74      9.25

Sea Cock         3       1        0       0      27      9.00

Dundertrump    4       0        0       2      17      4.25

Some stunning stats. Dunderfunk must decide if it's actually worthwhile qualifying with half + 1 this year. Could be a worst of all time. Conversely, The 2010 Champion has finished top 2 in half his games. One to watch. As has the GingaPrincess who is a model of consistency with form comparable to a monthly grenade blast!!! She (surely he) must look back on that defeat by Ol' Sea Cock with regret, it would have put her (him) into a very strong position. And as usual its the Colosseum owner who continues to ride his decade long wave of luck up the top.

23/06/2012 - Result

Give someone else a chance ya greedy bas

1. Killawatt
2. The Doctor
3. The Raiser
4. GingaStinga
5. Petawatt
6. Bottleneck
7. Sea Cock
8. The Man with No Blouse

Apologies - The Damage (playing with over-sized garden toys), The Professor (has been disbanded), Wee Rambo (Beers were too cold).

Bottleneck was first to be dealt bullets and wet himself as Ol' Sea Cock declared the first all-in of the evening. But this duel ended all square as they played the board.

Omaha (or is that Oklahomaha) accounted for the first exit when Dunderfunk dunderfunked it up with 888 v the GingaStinga's KKK (racist twat). He left the arena £5 & two Wire boxed sets lighter which lifted my mood considerably.

Sea Cock, in the yelly jersey, fell off his bike next after being rammed by Killa, back riding on his lucky poker moped. It was one of those moments you especially love to be put out as your opponent reluctantly calls saying "I don't want to", but they fffffffffffffffffffffffffeckin well do anyway!!!!! A9 hearts was in the sailors hand and he was delighted to be up against K-10 also of hearts, but The PP$ Behemoth's luck is right back on track, a 10 showed up (remember this moment for later) and Ol' Sea Cock was up a creek without a paddle.

Bottleneck, whose game has gone backwards since victory earlier in the season could only manage 6th place. The first two players out are notorious for being under the thumb and needing to be home by 10pm, but the host had no such excuses with Madame away. In fairness, another tight one as his KQ off suit was beaten by The Doctor's K-10 suited, again, a dirty 10 popping up to do the damage.

Gentleman Petawatt, slipped out in 5th, a terrible finish by his usual standards. The Doctor had smugly hit a straight on the flop but came under attack from a man requiring running clubs to make his flush. One club arrived, but not the second.

With four players left, the Ginga Prince and The Raiser became entangled with QQ & 22 in a hand that flattened the formers evening. An AQ suited allowed him to get all his chips in v Killa, but a QQ is very nice in that situation, and that's what he had, and that's what ended Gingle Berries participation.

I'd managed to lose a couple of hands from ahead and not call from behind when I would have won the hand more than once and had been chided to start playing with rubbish. With just shy of 17,000 chips on the table I raised Killa's big, was re-raised and decided to put all my 5,700 behind a 10-8 off suit. I should have known I was doomed either way, the big hairy fairy turned over A8 and I was going to have to be a right ungentlemanly mofo to come back and claim that hand. I know I don't need to remind you that the 10 was being hit from behind earlier in the evening and I especially don't need to hark back a couple of games to when I had Wee Rambo trussed up like a fatted calf four times, twice in exactly this scenario only to be defiled in the most evil of ways. Since I don't need to remind you of this, I won't. Killa then told me 10-8 off suit was, quite obviously, far too good. One day, the penny shall drop I'm sure.

The Doctor with the yo-yo form was all that stood betwixt the reigning champ and the money. Earlier in the evening he'd been entertaining us with his famous party trick of going all the way in a massive hand with absolutely nothing, then realising at the showdown he'd had the nuts all along. How we love that one. The first heads up flash point arrived with the Doc all in with an A9 v Killa's A-3. Still wasn't good enough and resulted in a split pot. Then the crunch came, Killa held K2 and The Doc went in with 97. By the time a 9 came, The Champ had already hit a K, then went on to ram home his victory by pairing the 2 too!!!

When will Bottleneck get an end game? When will Pete get nasty? Which Doctor shall turn up next time? Will the author finally win and stop harping on about not being good enough bad beats? Find out next time at (TBA).

09/06/2012 - Result

This is a Sea Cock

Gadzooks, the match report slipped my mind hence the delay. As details can often be innaccurate when reporting the following day, there may be some factual looseness hereonin!!!

Eight players took part. Bottleneck, currently playing like a poker version of Rangers lost all his chips in a hurry. No records were taken of the details allowing me to suggest he was put out so early it was 'before records began'.

Fans favourite The Raiser was next to suffer forced rear entry. Late to the game due to Gentlemanly commitments elsewhere he was unable to get a foothold before being shabbily treated by Dunderfunk. It must be noted that this particular bad beat in a heroic array of consecutive bad beats particularly stings and shall not be forgotten as my general poker bitterness increases by the game. In an attempt to scare rubbish cards off with my A and a paltry stack, the Corstorphine Chianti called with a 6-5 off suit purely to give me some chips. I had to put a cork on the hatred welling up inside as he hit a 5 without reply.

The foul mouthed Doctor's £5 elapsed next against Prince Gingle Berries. K4 suited became "f*&@ all in a cloud of f%#* all" against QQ. His words. Then there were five.

To my deepest disappointment Dunderfunk was next for the ejector seat. A big loss v Killawatt was followed next hand v GingaRadge whose A9 held up against A4.

Killawatt's involvement ceased when GingaRadge swarmed all over a K-10 with an AK. The former had all sorts of outs, but couldn't hit and left the game. This freed him up to provide his elite ongoing critique of the sub-standard play of those still in for the rest of the evening.

As usual, no mention of Petawatt until this point as he keeps his head down, stays out of trouble and then bleeds dry in 2nd or 3rd place. The Doctor's notes are not very clear on the details however the words "rampant f*%?fest" appear next to KK & JJ.

There also appears to be a hand involving Petawatt (66), Killawatt (K7) & GingaRadge (A6) to which the 'rampant ~fest' quote may apply. Could secretaries please take more care when noting game details in future?!?

An even better Sea Cock

Cash on the table time as Gingle Berries in a familiar position found himself against Sea Cock, a boat out of water in a heads up scenario if you don't mind mashed analogies too much. The smart money was on Ginga Prince, but Sea Cock was in a buddha like poker trance and coldly hunted down his more decorated opponent. The only notes I have are:

"Sea Cock 4-6's resplendant"
"GingaRadge - oof"

Good luck deciphering that. Sea Cock took the prize!!!

Next game is on Saturday 23rd June at the Rare Books Arena. Remember, this is a non-kitchen roll environment, so bring your own Thirst Pockets. Especially you Pete!!!

Saturday May 19th - Result & Latest Table

Radge

1. Gingle Berries
2. Wee Rambo
3. The Raiser
4. Petawatt
5. Bottleneck

Apologies: The Gynaecologist (Londinium), Killawatt (Deaths Door), Dunderfunk (Washing his hair again), The Professor (Retired), The Damage (Babysitting).

Taking advantage of a weakened field at the Rare Books Arena on Saturday, The Ginga Prince bagged his second win of the season to explode to the top of the 2012 table with some "unstoppable fackin cairds". His words. Backed up by a flotilla of pairs with some bullets thrown in, when the blinds began to bite, Messrs Rambo & Raiser couldn't find an answer!!!

The last hand exemplified what had gone before. Heads up the Ginga Prince (3-3) and Wee Rambo (Q-J) found themselves in a classic Texas Hold'em showdown. The flop helped neither before a killer Jack appeared on the turn. Then the river produced an even more killer 3. Quite a sight watching their 'Happiness Graphs' shoot past each other in opposite directions.

Earlier, much earlier, Bottleneck was first to exit with unseemly haste. A pre-flop raise by in-form Mr Raiser holding A-10 couldn't shake him off. The Raiser hit both cards on the flop and raised again, but was in turn re-raised all-in by the host. All the Raiser could do was call and hope to hold up, which he did when Bottleneck turned over Q-10 which appeared to be gasping for air. You'd struggle to get a Chilean miner out of a hole like that!!! Back to the drawing board for Bottleneck or the recent win might attract 'fluke' status.

After the break Petawatt bowed out around the beginning of GingaStinga's assault. KQ might be good enough most of the time, but AA in the hands of the GingaAssasin ended Petawatt's participation.

The Raiser has spent a little too much time recently whinging about bad beats and naturally, this continued well into the evening. Having more than covered Wee Rambo in the previous game four times and without prevailing, he came to the conclusion that the only way to tackle the Luckius Gittus was to go all-in miles behind. The opportunity arose with a 3-4 off-suit pre-flop and all Rambo's chips on the table but the walk didn't match his talk and he folded. The rabbit was chased and a 6-high straight for The Raiser would have sent Wee Rambo crashing. What a game eh???

After being ahead at the break, the blinds were squeezing as they do and The Raiser eventually chucked a couple of grand at four clubs on the flop. The GingaAssasin was at it again though, pairing his K on the flop and avoiding clubs henceforth to make it 'Cash-on-the-table' time.

Quite a good game I thought, Bobby Bawbag might disagree. Your scribe played quite well with sweet cards for the first half. Then there was a bit of a 3-way tussle near the end before the Ginger Spring swept all before it. Some unusual composure from Young Rambo was in evidence with less of an issue regarding the Break than normal. In the end, the cards were the winner.

No date or venue for the next game yet. I'm keen and I'm sure those with Manflu or other barely credible excuses will also be keen to re-engage, so come on Wattleneck Fixtures Committee, get emailing.

Finally, below is the up to date table for 2012.

                       P    W   2nd     L   Pts    Ave
GingaStinga     6     2      1     2    60    10.00
The Doctor      4     1      1     0    53    13.25
Killawatt           5     1      0     0    61    12.20
Wee Rambo    6     1      1     0    51     8.50
Bottleneck        5     1      0     2    40     8.00
Petawatt          6     0      1     0    65    10.83
The Raiser       6     0      2     1    58     9.67

4 games must have been played to qualify.

Latest Table - May 12

Gentlemen of the cards, please find below the latest standings in our venerable little organisation.

                           P      W      2nd      L      Pts      Ave

The Doctor         4       1         1        0       53      13.25

Killawatt              5       1         0        0       61      12.20

Bottleneck          4       1         0        1       40      10.00

Ginga Prince       5       1         1        2       40        8.00

Wee Rambo       5       1         0        0       36        7.20

Petawatt             5       0         1        0       60       12.00

The Raiser         5       0         2        1       48        9.60

Sea Cock           1       0         0        0        5         5.00

Andersfunk         2       0         0        1        9         4.50

Next Match

The next Ranker shall commence not before 20:00 on Saturday 19th May at the newly refurbished RareBooks Arena. Combatants are advised as usual to bring enough solid and liquid sustenance to last an Andean plane crash.

Midweek Misery

Reports have arrived at the PP$ office of a non-ranking Midweeker held at Kev's Colosseum on Wednesday last. The Raiser, Wee Rambo, Killawatt & Petawatt faced off in a 4Playa.

The Raiser announced beforehand that he would be retiring from poker after the game as he'd swallowed too many bad beats over a period that stretches back into the mists of memory. It is far, far, far from enjoyable, made even worse when the finances are so constrained. I must add a disclaimer of sorts in that I am not a believer in 'luck'. In my experience the more you put in, the harder you try and the better you are, the luckier you get over the longer term.  However it was pointed out to me by Mega/Peta & Killa about 14 months ago that I seemed to have been having a lot of bad luck over the course of the last couple of years. Since then things have been a joke. Then on Wednesday it got worse!!!

Raiser in hair trouble

The tussle was lengthy and all players made it past the break. Petawatt was first to fade out as the blinds ramped up. Killawatt had a frustrating evening, two or three times slipping below a Grand in chippage, only to scrap back up, before being squeezed back down again. Eventually he exited in the 3rd position. The Raiser was once again very happy with his play and led the game for most of the evening. Wee Rambo hit the nicest hands early on during Draw with a couple of 4-of-a-kinds. Later he became the only player to show pocket A's all evening. He also survived FOUR all-in's v The Raiser where every time he was more than covered chipwise AND holding weaker cards AND two times out of the four had only one live card in his hand. It was a quite incredible display of overcoming increasingly insurmountable odds, the main hand twice doing the damage being an otherwise innocuous 5-8 suited. As the taker of all this increasingly unfeasible ass-whupping you can imagine my delight when Wee Rambo eventually won the cash. His post-match lack of hubris matched only by my own girly whinging in this report.

Result - Saturday 21st April

The One True God (no image available)

Italics denote last hand held
1. The Doctor
7-3 off suit
2. Juggerwatt
6-4 off suit
3. Killawatt
6-3 suited
4. Wee Rambo
Four card flush aka SFA
5. Bottleneck
QJ (v KQ)
6. The Raiser
8-5 off suit
7. Ginga Prince
Trips (at Omaha)

Apologies: The Professor (retired, in the boxing sense), Sea Cock (retired, in the boxing sense), The Damage (left the European Poker Tour & joined the US Poker Tour), Homie formerly known as Aces/DaBlouse/Thunderbucket/Donut, (unavailable for comment).

Poker is a bastard. It really is. What is the point of persevering in the face of such harsh fortune when no amount of skill or perseverance is rewarded and the winner is decided purely on some fickle twist of fate (rhetorical question so I don't think a question mark is required).

There was a midweek game the previous Wednesday. It had been dominated by Wee Rambo who was rewarded both for good calls and bad calls. Didn't really seem to matter as he steamed into the last two with an unsightly chip lead. And at that exact point his golden touch deserted him. Did he massively alter his tactics? Did he forget how to play? Did he which!!! For some reason, the only God that exists - The Poker God - decided that enough was enough and with the inevitability of grim death itself, both the hard & easily won gains of the Miniature Rambo began a steady march across the table to the welcoming embrace of young Petawatt who, after games and games of competent and tight play with no reward finally pocketed the pennies.

The seat where you cannot avoid flushes

With bathroom renovations underway at Kev's Colosseum it was onto Saturday, a new day, so a new game. Not a bit of it. Petawatt discovered that his stock was still high in Poker Heaven. His only problem was avoiding the good cards which pestered him all night. Unable to get dealt something pish, he was forced to partake in most hands and then win them. Occasionally he'd win from being ahead. Other times he'd win from being in the lead. And some more times he'd win from the best starting position. Any time he'd have suffered a bad beat, the opponent had already folded. He had a specific problem trying to avoid 500's as they just kept tumbling towards him. Some of his 500's were even witnessed giving birth to some 100's in his chipstack. Nobody was safe, not even Behemothwatt who couldn't quench the flow.

Another WC refurb suggestion

The Juggerwatt was responsible for the demise of the Ginga Prince before then slaying Wee Rambo for the second game running. Heads up with The Gynaecologist he simply couldn't fail. But then, the Golden Aeroplane in which he was flying lost cabin pressure and spiralled towards the Pentland Mountains and a horrible horrible end. Mr God of Poker had switched his allegiance at a speed that would make Rupert Murdoch proud. The Doctor of dot-to-dot, probably the most hot and cold homeboy in PP$ history caught fire (eh, I think he was on another plane that had fire extinguishers on it and didn't crash and the metaphor, if it was one, has got too messy and I'm going to try to finish the report a little less confusingly).

So The Doctor sparked into life and took all the chips. And won hitting a flush with a 7-3 off suit (this sentence was especially satisfying as an English teacher once told me I couldn't begin a sentence using the word 'and'. Pick it out Ashworth and check out the first sentence in the bible too, only the biggest selling book of all time ya twit).

Where was I? Looking at the 'last hands held' details at the top of the page it looks like only Messrs P & B went out with proper cards. The other five players held 8-5 offsuit, 8-9 suited, 6-3 suited, 6-4 offsuit & 7-3 offsuit. Nothing to make Liv Boree quake in her kitten heels just yet.

This was Doctor dot-to-dot's first win since his Anus Yabeautius in 2010. Five games into this new season we have five players on one win. Tasty. Returning to the first exclamation of this report, maybe poker isn't such a fatherer of illegitimate children after all. The Doctor would certainly beg to differ this morning.

Latest Table

Killa on a recent trip to Vegas

Despite being four games into the new season and having four different winners, the top of table already has a depressingly familiar look to it.

Half +1 is currently 3 games meaning that the two tailgunners at the foot of the table are included out of charity. I'll shave off under-attenders in a month or two as the standings really hot up. However H+1 will remain at 3 after the next game therefore possibly allowing Thunderfunk officially back into things should he be able to attend.

As we're still at an early stage, a single victory for anyone could make a massive shift in standings. Example: The Professor returns for the next game, wins and goes top with an ave of 20.000. Stranger things have happened (The Pussy Doctor has won an Annual Championship after all).


                                      P    W    2nd   L    Pts    Ave
Killawatt                        4      1      0     0     49    12.250
Bottleneck                     3      1      0     1     34     11.333
GingaPrince                   4      1      1     1     40     10.000
Wee Rambo                  4      1      0     0     27      6.750
The Raiser                     4      0      2     1     45     11.250
Petawatt                        4      0      0     0     45     11.250
The Gynaecologist         3      0      1     0     33     11.000
Sea Cock                      1      0      0     0      5       5.000
Daddy Dunkbucket        2     0      0     1      9       4.500

Feel free to keep an eye on your totals and double check my sums. If I get anything wrong I'll update it asap.