2013 Championship Decider

10 x 10 =

Saturday 4th January 2014 was the day deemed fit to host this most momentous of contests in the Scottish sporting calendar. Kev's Colosseum welcomed a capacity crowd of 10 with the 2013 Championship Trophy still within the grasp of four players.

They were Championship leader The Doctor (3 wins in 2013), past champion The Ging'r Radge (2 wins) and Championship virgins, The Bondi Bonfire (2 wins) & Wee Rambo (2 wins). Two other players with 2 wins, PP$ hall-of-famers Dunderfunkin & Killawatt had averages that couldn't overcome that of the table topping Doctor no matter the result of this game.

Things at the opposite end of the table were decided, much to the delight of The One True Gentleman and Petawatt, purely by the appearance of Sea Cock, his attendance tipping him into half-plus-one qualification for the Final Table. His wretched average ensured he couldn't overhaul the averages of the former two even with a win, unless there was a sudden unforeseen alteration to the laws of mathematics. He'll be stirring his soup with a 'widden spin' for the next twelve months!!!

At stake was the ultimate prize in World Poker, the PP$ Annual Championship Trophy. But as this was the Championship Game, there is also the Tenner Game Trophy. And not only that, but ten tenners for the winner and Amazon vouchers for 2nd and 3rd place courtesy of match sponsors, K & FW Services.

The game began at a measured pace, but also, the bombs began to flow. These early incendiaries probably laying the foundations for the explosive carnage that arrived later. First up was a 'family' round of as yet unnamed Cointreau bombs in a Perry perimeter. Boosh!!!

Petawatt in laptop frenzy

Around this time the attendees were treated to a vintage performance by slapdash local comedian, Petawatt who launched into a frenzied assault on his poor laptop with glass based ornaments elevating past clumsiness to a new level. These performances make the anticipation of the next game, and his next routine, a mouth-watering prospect. Hopefully he could devise something with a tray of knives or some live cables (or indeed both) to keep the entertainment level high. And still they let this man ride a bike at speeds down hills.

Not long after being dragged away from his fliptop portal, Petawatt showed the first (and only) bullets of the evening. On his right, Rambo the Younger was busy building large stacks of 10's.

With the word 'sober' leaving the building as a relevant word, the Omaha hands began to rattle some chips around the table and to be honest, details of the game I didn't actually note down (exit hands only) become very sketchy quite early.

The odd K-J or A-suited kept my own whingeing levels low and also brought a hand or two to kick the granny into touch. The Doctor, trying to concentrate his purty little ass off was simply making a new raft of mistakes, getting people to play before it was their turn and that sort of thing (no prizes for guessing the victim of his vein-popping, swivel eyed aggression...). In His Regal Corner, on His Regal Throne, Killawatt was showing all the signs of increasing imbibification as his volume control spiralled to 11 and beyond.

10th place. Last place. First oot. Call it what you will. It went to Bottleneck. Getting drawn into an Omaha all-in with a pair of K's, Captain Birdseye blew him out the water with a hand I have in my notes as "(CL)". Any decipherification welcome.

Mid match, when the drink was a-talkin

And then things went pear-shaped. A cock-up by the Doctor, I mean Dealer, nope, same thing, resulted in a player being all-in before another player realised he hadn't been dealt a hand. Killawatt then went on a long discussion with himself about what he'd decided should happen, and when an alternate view was belatedly and politely proposed before a 'steamroller vote' (actual term used by the opposition), lets just say debate was had for a lengthy period. It was eventually resolved against Killawatt's opinion, but at least we could move on.

Then about two hands later, just after Killawatt had lost a chunk of chips to your Dear Narrator, two cards from that deck were found in the 'other' deck (PP$ uses two decks), the now well on his way to Nuggetsville Killawatt went airborne demanding a redeal and the 'lengthy discussions' were back on and worse than before.

GingaSlam

It is difficult to say who was apoplectic and who was poorless with laughter at all this, but when the dust finally settled and the game recommenced, within a couple of hands The Ginger Prince was all-in. This hand, the details of which maybe never even went into my head on the night, turned into what my notes refer to as a "Total Chip Stramash". The Prince of Gingia lost the hand and in the blizzard of bombs, misdeals, histrionics and hilarity, was out of the game, out of the championship and before Bottleneck could say 'lets get the fox outta here', The GingaRadge had exited the building.

The Championship would not be returning to Rullion Road. A young girl would be devastated. That's poker luv!!! We all hate it too. Hopefully Daddy didny smash too many holes in the wall when he got home.

Former and still occasional chianti, Dunderfunk took his leave in 8th place at the hands of a resurgent Doctor whose A-3 was enough for the paltry 4-6 off suit. He was followed in 7th place by Sea Cock who charged in behind an A-J to find Wee Rambo holding A-Q.

Killawatt was in soapy bubble around this time but majorly doubled-up against Wee Rambo when his A-3 trumped the latters K-3.

Petawatt went out in 6th with a perfectly respectable A-K but The Doctor edged him out with pocket 9's. No help for either on the board meant a slipping back into the middle placings for the winner of the penultimate game of the season.

With half the field now smoted into 2013 poker oblivion, 3 players were still on for the title with myself and Killawatt only able to cause pain and havoc for the hopefuls. Things soon moved on apace as these players found themselves in this hand;

J-J     Killawatt (all-in)
A-Q   Wee Rambo (all-in)
A-K   The Bonfire (praying-to-a-God-he-hadn't-previously-believed-in)

Killa led after the flop before a killer bullet appeared on the turn. Killawatt was out. Wee Rambo was out. While Shantanamo Gay moved to the cusp of PP$ Championship Dreamland. But the Doctor was still lurking.

Suddenly it was The Last Three. Readies and baubles onto the baize time. The culmination of a year of poker pain. Whatever the outcome, the gaudy prize would be leaving the 'Cuik for Auld Reekie.

The One True Gentleman and The Gynaecologist soon locked horns with the latter all-in. With starting hands not in the notes, all I have is "beaten from ahead" and "hit a 9". As I was the victor, I can only hazily recall that my A-9 trumped his pocket pair. I'm happy to be reminded/corrected.

2013 PP$ Champion

And so the title went to the great-great bastarding offspring of Australia's most notorious outlaw. Somewhat fitting, but there was still the small matter of the heads-up to be resolved betwixt Ned Kelly & Ned Frazerio.

The concluding hand of the 2013 season played itself out soon after. Your Humble Scribe, the former Jack-Six, the former The Raiser, the current One True Gentleman of Poker (only the cards, not the chat) found himself with the arme de choix of the slain Killawatt, the controversial K-9, and shoved. And The Bonfire bit straight back with a K-10. While my poker luck has turned for sure this last season, it hasn't turned that much and it was fireworks time around The Bonfire.


2013 Championship Match - Result

1. The Bondi Bonfire
2. The One True Gentleman of Poker
3. The Doctor
4. Wee Rambo
5. Killawatt
6. Petawatt
7. Sea Cock
8. Dunderfunk
9. GingaRadge
10. Bottleneck

Final Table - 2013

                             P     W   2nd    L    Pts      Ave
Shantanamo Gay  11     3     2     0    134     12.182
The Doctor          14     3     1     2     149    10.643
Wee Rambo          9     2     2     1     114    12.667
GingaRadge         16     2     2     1     167    10.438
Killawatt              17     2     3     4     152     8.941
Dunderfunk          12     2     1     2      96      8.000
The Gentleman     16     1     3     1     171    10.688
Petawatt              17     1     2     1     178    10.471
Sea Cock              9     0     1     2     51        5.667

Bottleneck            8      1      0      3     47     5.875
The Baptist           3      0      0      0      6      6.000
Wattinlaw             2      0      0      0      4      2.000



December 2013 Result, for which there was no report:
1. Petawatt  2. The Doctor  3. GingaRadge  4. The Bonfire  5. Dunderfunkin  6. The Gent  7. Killawatt

Result - 15/12/2012

Heads-up poker, Gynaecologist v Wee Rambo

1. The Gynaecologist

2. Wee Rambo

3. The Killa

4. The One True Gentleman

5. Petawatt

6. The Baptist

7. Ginger Implosion

8. Santanders Claus (only shows up once a year)

9. Bottleneck

10. C Koch.

Apologies: President Damage (Raiding Macy's), The Professor (Bothering Borderers), Rob's French Mate that played once and hated Sarkozy (France).

No Apologies, Just Ignorant No Showism: Sea Cock.

Nine players took part in the penultimate game of the season at Kev's Colosseum last Saturday and things could hardly have set up the 2012 Championship Game in early January any better.

I say nine, there were of course ten places set to begin with, but the Tenth Man, in this age of blanket electronic communication opportunities was unable to relay his non-attendance in any way. The host was visibly upset at this brazen rudeness and had to be talked down from a nearby tree before the match could commence. Typical Eskhill/Gilmerton slumdog behaviour I must say, nothing a good thrashing couldn't put right!!!

As is tradition within these pages, the winner of the battle is treated with whatever the opposite of kid gloves are (Granny mittens?). I'm reluctant to be too harsh this time though, preferring to keep my spare ire as usual for Petawatt for some as yet to be understood subconscious reason. Firstly because the twat wot won put me out en route, which gives me some sort of claim to being the second best player on the night despite finishing fourth. And secondly, because the manner of his victory, relying on luck above skill, hitting his own cards and dodging those of everyone else, is my preferred manner of victory every three years or so. It's reassuring to know that skill isn't always the main factor in victory.

All underhand tactics welcome

In his own words, the first man ejected summarised his night as "Guid cairds, nae luck". Two nines in the hand done for the Bottleneck against QQ in the grubby paws of the Doctor and we were down to eight. Rumours abound that Bottleneck will be spending next summer in the States at Poker Boot Camp to reinvigorate his play.

8th place was accepted by Dunderblouse. Commuting these days from just north of Reykjavik has limited his participation in the last year or so and when he has made it across the ocean's and range's he's had to turn round and head straight home again more or less as he takes off his Parka. In a bid to eradicate all opposition in quick time the shady Icelander brought a bottle of Absinthe to add to the Bomb ingredients we've accumulated. Tipping the scales at 55% the Bomb Bros held off until after the break before having to sample the poison. By then it was too late for the former Blouse. Holding a flush draw the assembled PP$'rs were cock-a-hoop when The Baptist 'Aced Aces' by tripping his A on the flop, a favourite ploy of the former from yesteryear.

The Championship race was then blown wide open. The GingaPrince is imploding before our very eyes in the style of Kevin Keegan back in 95-96. A PP$ resignation in the toilets might not be far off taking this particular analogy two football steps too far for most of the attendees. GingaPrince, pushing with a KJ v Killawatt who paired a 6 to send the Championship Leader into a deep dark hole of doubt. Are we going to witness final table pain akin to his 2010 heartbreak? As it stands (overall table will be 'released prior to the Championship Game), he still sits top with four victories, but Killawatt and The Doctor with three wins and better averages are right in the hunt with a game to play.

With two last place finishes in his first two appearances in our shark pit, The Baptist was in dire need of some improvement and found it as he made it past the Munchy Break for the first time alighting in 6th place. My memory and notes are unclear although I think he left clutching a low flush after previously coming back from the dead in a hand v The Doctor.

Petawatt who is desperately trying to find the win that'll guarantee me the Overall Wooden Spoon in 2012 perished next in 5th. The Doctor hit the river with a K to clobber the former's A5. There could be a few of us signing up to that boot camp next summer!!!

Then it was my turn. Again it was The Pussy Doctor who lucked out. My K4 hit a K on the flop, as did his K6. Once all the cards were out the 6 counted and I went into a huff for 5 minutes trying not to catch site of his beaming mug.

With three players left, GingaRadge was hoping Killawatt didn't win to take the overall lead for the year. If he'd have hung about he'd have been delighted as The Doctor produced an AK v Killawatt's A7 and the reigning champion had to leave the table just as the money joined.

Which God do/don't you believe in again?

On pint night in the Croon on Wednesday, a whimpering Little Rambo beseeched me to report sympathetically on his second place finish feeling he'd been somewhat hard done by. This is akin to Rupert Murdoch pleading for a fair trial when he's eventually dragged before Justice. If you dish it out when it's going your way it is most unbecoming to squeal like a pig when the great Flying Poker Spaghetti Monster deign's to anoint another. I quelled my opprobrium, until now.

Being a tad fair, maybe he was referring to hands such as his J7 v Q4. On the flop came a 7, then a 4 before the river turned out to be a Q. Maybe he has a case as that would have been the winning hand, instead Dr Pussy doubled up and ultimately used another Q4 to gub Rambo's A8.

Like all winners, The Doctor was unbearable in victory with the assembled crowd vehemently disagreeing with any assessment he made of his performance. It does however move him up to three wins alongside Killawatt, both with a better average than Four Wins Gingle Berries making the last game of 2012 a three-way tussle for the trophy.

Result - Saturday 1st September

Amazingly, these are not the most nutritious

As I was absent due to something mildly more entertaining happening elsewhere, the last game will not have the customary entertaining report from Mr Oomble Scribe. This post also has the potential to contain many factual inaccuracies as I am having to rely largely on second-hand testimony. I can verify the top 2, as I arrived as the game concluded, the rest of the placings were provided by Doc/Killa and they didn't really seem to have a clue what had gone on.

What's new?

1. DunderBlouse
2. Dr Doctor
3. Peta 'hang in as long as possible til you bleed out in 2nd or 3rd' Watt
4. Killawatt
5. Cock o'the Sea
6. Ginga 'notso' Radge

For match report addicts, I can provide this small sop. Post PP$ there remained Doc, Killa, Peta & Raiselicious. Gagging on some caird action I moronically forgot about the 21 month run of anti-luck I've been navigating. A mini game of dealers choice began with a £100 buy-in (accuracy +/- £99) making the pot FOUR WHOLE POUNDS. Not to be sniffed at I'm sure you'll agree. About 5 hands in I got a AJ, pushed with it, came up against Petawatt's 99 and hit SFA. Why do I bother? As always, perfectly fine as an individual hand, but if I can't rely on luck what else can I rely on???

Nice wee bad beat whinge out the way.

Before the next game at the Rare Books Arena, I'll tot up the Overall Table. Also, I think with a few players in with a shout this season, we should finalise the remaining fixtures in advance, preferably at the next game. Therefore, ideally, bring a list of dates you are free on a Saturday night to the next match and we can, like the grown-ups we are, amicably devise a schedule.

Result - Saturday 21st April

The One True God (no image available)

Italics denote last hand held
1. The Doctor
7-3 off suit
2. Juggerwatt
6-4 off suit
3. Killawatt
6-3 suited
4. Wee Rambo
Four card flush aka SFA
5. Bottleneck
QJ (v KQ)
6. The Raiser
8-5 off suit
7. Ginga Prince
Trips (at Omaha)

Apologies: The Professor (retired, in the boxing sense), Sea Cock (retired, in the boxing sense), The Damage (left the European Poker Tour & joined the US Poker Tour), Homie formerly known as Aces/DaBlouse/Thunderbucket/Donut, (unavailable for comment).

Poker is a bastard. It really is. What is the point of persevering in the face of such harsh fortune when no amount of skill or perseverance is rewarded and the winner is decided purely on some fickle twist of fate (rhetorical question so I don't think a question mark is required).

There was a midweek game the previous Wednesday. It had been dominated by Wee Rambo who was rewarded both for good calls and bad calls. Didn't really seem to matter as he steamed into the last two with an unsightly chip lead. And at that exact point his golden touch deserted him. Did he massively alter his tactics? Did he forget how to play? Did he which!!! For some reason, the only God that exists - The Poker God - decided that enough was enough and with the inevitability of grim death itself, both the hard & easily won gains of the Miniature Rambo began a steady march across the table to the welcoming embrace of young Petawatt who, after games and games of competent and tight play with no reward finally pocketed the pennies.

The seat where you cannot avoid flushes

With bathroom renovations underway at Kev's Colosseum it was onto Saturday, a new day, so a new game. Not a bit of it. Petawatt discovered that his stock was still high in Poker Heaven. His only problem was avoiding the good cards which pestered him all night. Unable to get dealt something pish, he was forced to partake in most hands and then win them. Occasionally he'd win from being ahead. Other times he'd win from being in the lead. And some more times he'd win from the best starting position. Any time he'd have suffered a bad beat, the opponent had already folded. He had a specific problem trying to avoid 500's as they just kept tumbling towards him. Some of his 500's were even witnessed giving birth to some 100's in his chipstack. Nobody was safe, not even Behemothwatt who couldn't quench the flow.

Another WC refurb suggestion

The Juggerwatt was responsible for the demise of the Ginga Prince before then slaying Wee Rambo for the second game running. Heads up with The Gynaecologist he simply couldn't fail. But then, the Golden Aeroplane in which he was flying lost cabin pressure and spiralled towards the Pentland Mountains and a horrible horrible end. Mr God of Poker had switched his allegiance at a speed that would make Rupert Murdoch proud. The Doctor of dot-to-dot, probably the most hot and cold homeboy in PP$ history caught fire (eh, I think he was on another plane that had fire extinguishers on it and didn't crash and the metaphor, if it was one, has got too messy and I'm going to try to finish the report a little less confusingly).

So The Doctor sparked into life and took all the chips. And won hitting a flush with a 7-3 off suit (this sentence was especially satisfying as an English teacher once told me I couldn't begin a sentence using the word 'and'. Pick it out Ashworth and check out the first sentence in the bible too, only the biggest selling book of all time ya twit).

Where was I? Looking at the 'last hands held' details at the top of the page it looks like only Messrs P & B went out with proper cards. The other five players held 8-5 offsuit, 8-9 suited, 6-3 suited, 6-4 offsuit & 7-3 offsuit. Nothing to make Liv Boree quake in her kitten heels just yet.

This was Doctor dot-to-dot's first win since his Anus Yabeautius in 2010. Five games into this new season we have five players on one win. Tasty. Returning to the first exclamation of this report, maybe poker isn't such a fatherer of illegitimate children after all. The Doctor would certainly beg to differ this morning.

Result & Report - Saturday 3rd March

Nuff said

1. Wee Rambo
2. The Raiser
3. KillaWatt
4=. PetaWatt
4=. The Doctor
6. GingaStinga

Apologies: The Damage (Babysitting), The Dunkin Donut (Gout), Bottleneck (Camping it up), The Professor (Last game of suspension?), Sea Cock (Ogling strapping young men in tights).

The richness of the depth of the PP$ skill pool was on full display at Kev's Colosseum on Saturday evening. The previous match's last two, The Raiser & Wee Rambo, flipped from worst two to first two. Wee Rambo walked off with the spondoolicks with the help of back to back Big Slix, puncturing, rupturing and blowing to smithereens the efforts of The Raiser who hadn't been in any trouble all evening.

The Ginga Prince, in a fine vein of form recently was sent packing early doors being on the wrong end of spectacular hands more times than he'd care to revisit, the peach being a 'lucky' escape with 4 Queens in a hand of draw against Wee Rambo's 5 Aces.

Divulging pre-match that his recent fine form had been nothing other than fine cards and that they had categorically run out at the end of the last game, Mr P entered this match shrouded with an air of grimness that wasn't to lift. Time and again he received half decent cards against better cards and couldn't elbow his way into this one meaning he was tucked up in bed by 10.15pm.

The rest of the crew made it to the Munchy Break, Wee Rambo in particular enjoying that milestone. Time and again he thought about all-ins to go crashing out, but the benevolent barracking from the other end of the table ensured his continued participation. "Stay in, stay in, stay in, stay in, NO, JUST STAY IN", was oft repeated so stay in he did despite 2nd last place being on offer.

Killawatt continued in his sage-like manner, informing anyone and everyone what they should and shouldn't be doing. The Raiser accepted every piece of advice, consulting the Great Sage if he'd forgotten to provide guidance (this for once is not sarcasm). However this advice also came with a sting in the tail. Too much checking inevitably being met with a sort of loud miaowing from The Champion. However, when Killawatt indulged in some fey checking of his own, Petawatt riled the elder sibling with some brilliantly timed Pussybaiting of his own.

The Raiser & Killawatt had built decent stacks whilst PetaWatt (1200), Wee Rambo (1500) & The Doctor (1200) were beginning to fidget. With The Raiser to act and those three to follow in that order, a somewhat reluctant raise of 1500 was made with 6-6 whilst muttering 'this is going to be carnage'. Petawatt called with J-10, Wee Rambo declined, but The Doctor also waded in with K-5 (these kickers may be incorrect). You can imagine The Raiser's reaction when the first card out was a J propelling PetaWatt into a great position. You can then imagine The Raiser's demeanour when the next card on the flop was a K. The Greatest Flop in PP$ history was complete when the third card came. 6. Greatest flop if your name wasn't The Doctor or Petawatt I suppose. The turn and river brought running 9's giving an emotionally fragile Raiser an unassailable Full House. This ejected Petawatt & The Doctor in joint 4th place/second last. It goes without saying that your scribes bravery wasn't appreciated at that point, especially by Mr Medical Profession.

The Raiser & Killawatt now towered over Wee Rambo, but he soon found that there is power in such an apparently weak position. Some well timed double-ups and some nice cards soon turned him into a real contender from at one point being down to just 500. Killawatt couldn't find any cards and departed atop a Q-10 that couldn't compete with Wee Rambo's A-10.

Last hand

A light Heids-up tussle then ensued and although The Raiser wasn't compelled to get involved chip-wise, the match finished soon after as Wee Rambo hit A-K two hands in a row. The first time The Raiser escaped after an initial re-raise was robustly re-raised and the next hand all your narrator could do was push his chips behind a K-5, usually not too bad a hand heads-up, but a terrible hand when your opponent holds AK.

An excellent game and another new winner for the season making it look like it could be a real cliffhanger this year.

There was no talk of the next game, but I'm sure the Wattleneck committee will meet soon to arrange and email a new date. Keep an eye on your emails and please respond to Him soon afterwards as its Pure Bad Manners to leave the poor lad hanging.