Player Profile$

In no particular order, here are profiles for all PP$ 2012 participants. The Professor who played in the 2011 Championship Game is also included as is former champ and honorary member, Mr Damage of America.

Player: Killawatt

AKA: The Killa, Silent Bob, The Great Sage, She, Hairy Oracle, PP$ Behemoth, Infallible One,

Style: Godly

Attributes: Clinical application of poker odds. Ability to ride a massive wave of skill inspired luck.

Negatives: High pitched loser, especially if the odds are deemed to have cheated him.

Honours: 5 time PP$ Champion

Poker Catchphrase: “Raise!!!”

Player: GingaRadge

AKA: Ginga Prince, Gingle Berries, Ginger Implosion, The Raj of Gingia, Ice Road Trucker, GingaTomatoSoupAddict, GingaPrincess, GingaAssasin, GingaAllInna, His Royal Radgeness,

Style: All out attack or total defence

Attributes: Bravery, willingness to get right behind pocket ducks upwards.

Negatives: No Plan B.

Honours: PP$ Poker Champion 2004

Poker Catchphrase: “Re-raise the pot”

Player: The One True Gentleman of Poker

AKA: JackSix, The Raiser, The Raizerio, The Gentleman, Raiselicious, The Greatest Player Never To Win The Title,

Style: Canny (i.e. canny play)

Attributes: Always comes back for more.

Negatives: No known flaws.

Honours: Casino 2^nd Place

Poker Catchphrase: “Thank goodness for all of us I never go on about my horrendous luck”.

Player: Petawatt

AKA: Fur Warrior, Juggerwatt, PP$ Pistorious,

Style: Steady

Attributes: Never knocked out easily.

Negatives: Prone to bleeding to death before heads up.

Honours: Online profiteer

Poker Catchphrase: “Whah, is it my turn, how much is it?”

Player: Wee Rambo

AKA: Warm Beer (not an anagram, but almost), Little Rambo, Young Rambo, Miniature Rambo, Willie Warm Beer, Mini Stallone,

Style: Unshirking

Attributes: Listens, learns, improves.

Negatives: Struggles to put down a good hand.

Honours: Online profiteer

Poker Catchphrase: “I’m working at 4am”.

Player: Bottleneck

AKA: Rare Books, Bobby Bawbag, The Wattanator,

Style: Atheist (non-believer)

Attributes: Has winability.

Negatives: Lack of endgame.

Honours: French wife.

Poker Catchphrase: “Guid cards, nae luck”

Player: Sea Cock

AKA: Captain Birdseye, C Koch, Ol’ Sea Penis, Cock o’ the Sea, Salty Ol’ Sea Dog,

Style: Unabomber

Attributes: Good when he can be bothered.

Negatives: Only good when he can be bothered.

Honours: PP$ Overall Table Qualification 2012

Poker Catchphrase: “That’s my lift turned up”.

Player: The Doctor

AKA: The Gynaecologist, Beast of Bowburn, Pussy Doctor, Dr Doctor, Dr Pussy, Dino the Vino, The Doctor of Doodling,

Style: Complete ignorance

Attributes: Able to go all the way with nothing, turn over nothing, then realise he has the nuts.

Negatives: Goes all the way with nothing when he knows its nothing.

Honours: 2010 PP$ Champion

Poker Catchphrase: “Ow mooch?”

Player: The Damage

AKA: Fiscal Cliff, President Damage,

Style: Curmudgeonly

Attributes: Hasn’t finished last for 18 months.

Negatives: Home address.

Honours: Two time PP$ Poker Champion (2005, 2006)

Poker Catchphrase: “There’s a WWII film on at half ten I want to watch”

Player: Da Blouse

AKA: The Man with No Nickname, The Man with No Blouse, Aces, Dunderfunk, DunderBlouse, Santanders Claus, The Former Blouse, Thunderfunk, Dundertrump, The Corstorphine Chianti, Andersfunk, Daddy Dunkbucket, Dunkin Donut, Paintbrush, Aces Picasso, Leonardo Dunderfunk, Constable Andrews, Duncbucket,

Style: Lucky

Attributes: Gets dealt millions of Aces although seemingly fewer these days than in the noughties.

Negatives: Not allowed out after 10pm.

Honours: Two time PP$ Poker Champion (2001, 2002)

Poker Catchphrase: “I’ve got the nuts again”.

Player: The Baptist

AKA: L.I.Am, Mr Am,

Style: More Skywalker than Solo

Attributes: No fear

Honours: PP$ top ten player 2012

Poker Catchphrase: “What would Obiwan do?”

Player: The Professor

AKA: Prof, Sicknote.

Style: Rudimentary

Attributes: Plays well under the influence

Negatives: Doesn’t play well while not under the influence

Honours: Details unavailable

Poker Catchphrase: “Fine, take my fiver again”. 

2012 Championship Game - Pre Match Hype

More final table heartache for the GingaStinga???

OMG - It's only the 2012 Championship decider!!!

As is customary, the last game of the season is the first game of the subsequent calendar year. 2012 is yet to be decided.

Saturday 5th January
at
C&FW Services Colosseum.

Once again our sponsor is generously providing prizes. As in previous years, these will go to the 2nd & 3rd placed positions in the Showcase Game with first place snaffling the cash as is Written in the Great PP$ Book of Unwritten Rules!!! I'm sad to report that yet again we've been shunned by every single television broadcaster so the world will miss out on our particular brand of tasty caird action.

The current table is coming up, then some comment on what's at stake for the movers and shakers. I've also especially added the total points range/swing each player can achieve giving an idea how far up/down the placings each player can rise/fall.

Max - Assumes a win added to present totals
Min - Assumes a last place added to present totals

                                               P     W     2nd     L     Pts     Ave          (Max/Min)
Gingle Berries                        14     4       3       3     152     10.857     (11.467/10.133)
The Gynaecologist                 13     3       4       1     162     12.462     (13.000/11.571)
Killawatt                                 14     3       0       0     162     11.571     (12.133/10.800)
Sea Cock                                 8     2       0       0      83     10.375     (11.444/9.222)
Wee Rambo                           12     1       2       0     133     11.083     (11.769/10.230)
Bottleneck                              13     1       1       6       70      5.385     (6.429/5.000)
Petawatt                                 15     0       2       0     153     10.200     (10.813/9.563)
The One True Gentleman       14     0       2       2     116     8.286     (9.067/7.733)

The Former Blouse                   7     1       1       2      56     8.000     (9.500/7.000)
The Baptist                                3     0       0       2       8      2.667     (7.000/2.000)

Or will the GingaRadge be laughing all the way to the engravers?

16 games have been played this season making the golden HalfPlusOne mark 9, therefore Dunderfunk is just squeezed out of qualification for the overall final table.

Petawatt will have played the most games in 2012.

Bottleneck has had a disaster, but the one win means he cannot finish last. The Gentleman must win to avoid the wooden spoon, it's between him and Petawatt and he can't catch the latter on points swing alone.

If The Gentleman does win, GingaRadge would win the trophy, which would obviously also be the case if GingaRadge wins on the night.

There are two other players in contention, serial champion Killawatt or one time winner The Doctor. If either of them win on the night, they'll walk away with our spangly monument to poker greatness. Not literally of course because they'll both be kipping in the venue that night. Gingle Berries requires a win by anyone EXCEPT that gruesome twosome on January 5th to lift The Trophy.

Should Dr Gynaecologist win the match and therefore the championship, it will be a phenomenal three year run. Champion in 2010, wooden spoon in 2011, can he go from hero to zero to hero again this season? Nicknames involving yo-yo's are massing on my horizon.

With a combined appearances total of 27, 2012 has basically been owned by The Doctor and GingaPrince who have been heads up or better 14 times between them. Killawatt has only made the last two on three occasions, but has somehow done enough to stay right in contention as we reach the season decider.

Wee Rambo has struggled to turn his good showings into hard championship contending stats but will surely be quite happy with his first full season in our exalted company.

Without looking back on previous seasons, I suspect this is Sea Cock's best ever finish, a win could even propel him higher up the final table. At this stage the blog must retract it's previous aspersions on his good name (they already have been in person, but the internet must also be told). He was a no-show at the last game through no fault of his own, but because the Colosseum staff overlooked his invite. Would never have happened in the Albion Road days.

So, the wooden spoon and trophy are undecided and the excitement levels could hardly be higher.

Formerly The Damage, now it's Fiscal Cliff

Hopefully our honorary member, the stateside President Cliff Fiscal will be able to drop in during the munchie break for a chat. I'm sure he sends his best wishes.

All the best from your humble scribe too. Remember your shirts!!! See you there.

PS: There appears to be a statistical inaccuracy in the table. The last place finishes column totals 16 when only 15 games have been played. Please check your results and let me know who I've added the extra ignominious marker to!!!

President's Re-election - PP$ Implications

Bang

As the results of the US election emerged it became clear that the PP$ would have to wait at least another four years before President Damage could take leave from his Capitol Hill duties and return to the Penicuik Poker big time for good.

A win for the lizard-in-a-suit challenger, Titt Robme would have allowed President Damage to leave the storm battered nation and return home after being forced to move there following his shock election victory over Sarah Palin four years ago.

A Washington insider said "the President's general hatred of everything kept him ahead in the hate polls. He showed levels of hatred and intolerance the Republicans could only dream of. Add to that the bucketloads of sarcasm he dishes out, the God botherers didn't stand a chance".

One former teacher remarked "he was a right obstreporous wee bugger at school and wouldn't let anyone stand in his way, I always knew he'd never let anyone block his path to the world's top job, Mrs McGregor tried it once and he laid her out cold, after that we just gave him A's and smiled".

Result & Report - Saturday 3rd March

Nuff said

1. Wee Rambo
2. The Raiser
3. KillaWatt
4=. PetaWatt
4=. The Doctor
6. GingaStinga

Apologies: The Damage (Babysitting), The Dunkin Donut (Gout), Bottleneck (Camping it up), The Professor (Last game of suspension?), Sea Cock (Ogling strapping young men in tights).

The richness of the depth of the PP$ skill pool was on full display at Kev's Colosseum on Saturday evening. The previous match's last two, The Raiser & Wee Rambo, flipped from worst two to first two. Wee Rambo walked off with the spondoolicks with the help of back to back Big Slix, puncturing, rupturing and blowing to smithereens the efforts of The Raiser who hadn't been in any trouble all evening.

The Ginga Prince, in a fine vein of form recently was sent packing early doors being on the wrong end of spectacular hands more times than he'd care to revisit, the peach being a 'lucky' escape with 4 Queens in a hand of draw against Wee Rambo's 5 Aces.

Divulging pre-match that his recent fine form had been nothing other than fine cards and that they had categorically run out at the end of the last game, Mr P entered this match shrouded with an air of grimness that wasn't to lift. Time and again he received half decent cards against better cards and couldn't elbow his way into this one meaning he was tucked up in bed by 10.15pm.

The rest of the crew made it to the Munchy Break, Wee Rambo in particular enjoying that milestone. Time and again he thought about all-ins to go crashing out, but the benevolent barracking from the other end of the table ensured his continued participation. "Stay in, stay in, stay in, stay in, NO, JUST STAY IN", was oft repeated so stay in he did despite 2nd last place being on offer.

Killawatt continued in his sage-like manner, informing anyone and everyone what they should and shouldn't be doing. The Raiser accepted every piece of advice, consulting the Great Sage if he'd forgotten to provide guidance (this for once is not sarcasm). However this advice also came with a sting in the tail. Too much checking inevitably being met with a sort of loud miaowing from The Champion. However, when Killawatt indulged in some fey checking of his own, Petawatt riled the elder sibling with some brilliantly timed Pussybaiting of his own.

The Raiser & Killawatt had built decent stacks whilst PetaWatt (1200), Wee Rambo (1500) & The Doctor (1200) were beginning to fidget. With The Raiser to act and those three to follow in that order, a somewhat reluctant raise of 1500 was made with 6-6 whilst muttering 'this is going to be carnage'. Petawatt called with J-10, Wee Rambo declined, but The Doctor also waded in with K-5 (these kickers may be incorrect). You can imagine The Raiser's reaction when the first card out was a J propelling PetaWatt into a great position. You can then imagine The Raiser's demeanour when the next card on the flop was a K. The Greatest Flop in PP$ history was complete when the third card came. 6. Greatest flop if your name wasn't The Doctor or Petawatt I suppose. The turn and river brought running 9's giving an emotionally fragile Raiser an unassailable Full House. This ejected Petawatt & The Doctor in joint 4th place/second last. It goes without saying that your scribes bravery wasn't appreciated at that point, especially by Mr Medical Profession.

The Raiser & Killawatt now towered over Wee Rambo, but he soon found that there is power in such an apparently weak position. Some well timed double-ups and some nice cards soon turned him into a real contender from at one point being down to just 500. Killawatt couldn't find any cards and departed atop a Q-10 that couldn't compete with Wee Rambo's A-10.

Last hand

A light Heids-up tussle then ensued and although The Raiser wasn't compelled to get involved chip-wise, the match finished soon after as Wee Rambo hit A-K two hands in a row. The first time The Raiser escaped after an initial re-raise was robustly re-raised and the next hand all your narrator could do was push his chips behind a K-5, usually not too bad a hand heads-up, but a terrible hand when your opponent holds AK.

An excellent game and another new winner for the season making it look like it could be a real cliffhanger this year.

There was no talk of the next game, but I'm sure the Wattleneck committee will meet soon to arrange and email a new date. Keep an eye on your emails and please respond to Him soon afterwards as its Pure Bad Manners to leave the poor lad hanging.

2011 Championship Game Result

A 'fool array' of PP$ talent was on display with a capacity turnout at the C&FW Services Ltd Colosseum (formerly Kev's Colosseum) on Saturday night. The hostess ran away with it again pocketing two trophies and the top prize of 100 golden shekels. Result:

Kevin (Smith) & the Trophy (wife)

1. Killawatt
2. The Raiser
3. Bottleneck
4. Petawatt
5. The Buoy
6. GingaStinga
7. The Professor
8. Da Blouse
9. The Doctor
10. Wee Rambo

Before the hostilities commenced

The match started on time at 20.45ish. With little room to manoeuvre both physically and metaphorically, the early period of the game elapsed without too much in the way of excitement. There was little room to bluff with ten sharks present and the first raiser with decent cards tended to take it down. Petawatt did inject a flurry of excitement when he won two hands in a row with KoJak. Not content with such a subtle enhancement of the evening, he then proceeded to pour two 'shots' of JagerBomb, for, I have just realised, the players that subsequently finished 1st & 2nd!!! Having scaled back the measures on complaint from the recipients to a more sensible level, Petawatt proceeded to make himself a pint of the stuff. One to watch.

An early pattern surfaced when it emerged that three or four players weren't in a position to play too long into the Sabbath. One of this faction, Wee Rambo uncovered this truth going hard at Da Blouse with decent cards, Da Blouse puffing 'ach well, I'll get brownie points if I go home now' and calling. This signalled the warning that some players were already in different gears. The breaching of Wee Rambo's hull took place at this point and he began to sink slowly and inexorably towards the bottom and tenth place. Behaviouralists are showing concern with Wee Rambo. After bursting onto the PP$ scene with impeccable cards and chat, his fragile confidence deflates at the first sign of anything these days. Chin up squire, when you're at rock bottom, there's only one direction left to travel!!!

2010 Champion, Dr 'Doc' The Doctor was ecstatic at Wee Rambo's departure. Habitually keeping Last Place warm for the bulk of 2011, it now meant that 2nd Last was his for the taking and take it he did after the Munchy Break when he took part in an 'All-in frenzy' involving Bottleneck, GingaStinga & Megawatt (if memory serves correctly).  J-J wasn't enough in that bitchfight. The Doctor duly retreated to shuffling and dealing duties. The gentleman of the table for sure. Chin up squire, when you're at rock bottom, there's only one direction left to travel!!!!

Is there an echo in here or somefink?

The Bonnie Princess over the water

During the break PP$ Founding member The Damage appeared through the ether from Merca (c) G.W.Bush, to hover wistfully at the table for a short period, holding what looked suspiciously like a Baby. So there was some talk of pacifiers and daipers before Daddys Little Princess commenced defecating, spewing and demanding food, hastening his spectral departure.

Back in Cairdsville, Midlothian, Petawatt initially built a decent pile of 50's to take the early lead. In time they seeped elsewhere in the table, then Killawatt began to steadily accumulate some phallic stacks. This meant there still wasn't much loose change sloshing about and it soon began to tell as chipstacks generally dwindled and big decisions began to be made automatically.

Next out was Da Blouse (claiming to be giving the blouse a final public display before torching it. Hopefully his next blouse is also a blouse and not a shirt or we may well be calling another meeting of the New Nickname Committee which has recently been rather overworked. Hopefully we can get some photo's of the arson here with him burning his blouse (geddit?)). Seasoned observers felt little sympathy as his King-hi straight met Killa's Ace-hi straight. Andy Andy'd!!! One of the truly great sentences.

The Professor, just missing out on a coveted Annual Table League Position by coming up one attendance short took his leave in 7th place, another victim of the Bridge Street Butcher. A-2 was OK pre-flop, but a J-high flop helped Killawatt's J-7 and The Prof was sausages.

Doubledeath next when GingaStinga (Q-7) & The Buoy (K-10) piled the last of their chips into a pot. The Butcher of Bridge Street (K-J) swithered, before his macabre lust for blood hastened his participation. His cleaver fell sickeningly on the necks of two more victims, The Buoy finishing 5th due to having more chips to donate in the hand. And then there were 4.

Baubles & Bawbees were now placed on the table to strike dismay into the heart of the next man out. Killa/Butcher/Hostess/Champion Elect was by now barely visible behind his (/her?) ill gotten gains meaning a  pathetic scratching about by the remaining poker paupers. Petawatt (Q-Q) had little choice but to dive in against The Raiser holding a somewhat ironic K-J which apologetically came from behind to dump Petawatt out in the harshest position in such a big money game. At least solace could be sought that his bloodthirsty sibling hadn't dealt the final blow.

This left Bottleneck with about 1200-1800, The Raiser 3000-3500 and Killawatt the rest (c16k). Bottleneck couldnt last long, the by now infamous lack of an EndGame being sweetened a little with 20 cybershekels in compensation as he exited with 8-9 which hit nothing against Killa's J-7 which Andy'd itself into a Full Hoose.

Roll up, roll up for the biggest game of the year

Heads up was a Neo v Manuel mash-up scenario with me as your friendly spanish waiter (que???). First hand, me Big with J-3 got pot re-raised & folded. Next hand I folded 10-3 on the Small, Killa not even having to look at his cards which forced me into an 'all-in blind' next hand versus a 'call blind' from Keanu. The Raisers 9-7 turned into 2pair, 9-9-7-7, but this was royally soiled by KingKilla's A-8 which made like Hunter S Thompson and got all trippy on me.

In summation, a Killawatt victory was both deserved and apt. I shall add the Final Table in due course, but as from now, we're all level again and I suspect 2012 is finally going to be my year.

We usually get another game organised before the end of Jan to kick off the new league campaign, so if the Rare Books Arena & Kev's Colosseum (naming rights purchased for one game only) staff can meet for a Facilities Committee Meeting asap to get something organised, hopefully I'll see most of you again soon.



Apologies: The Damage (Joined the Preisthood), Nico (probably back in France), Liam (Still hurting), Ricketts (Missing Presumed Dead), Callous Callis (On the run), BeefRazor (Eating pizza), Paul (Still barred).

Poker Table

A Poker Table!!!

With only The Championship Game remaining, I can announce that to qualify for the final 2011 Ranking Table (after the next game) you will be required to have played NINE games. This leaves three regulars teetering on the edge of ignominy as the latest updated table below shows and makes The Damage's chances of qualification rather slim.

Incidentally, a 'watt' is defined as a derived unit of power. Hmmm!!!

                                  P    W    L    Pts    Ave
1. KillaWatt              16    8     2    240  15.000
2. MegaWatt            14    2     0    182  13.000
3. GingaStinga           8     2     3      69    8.625
4. DaBlouse              8     1     0      88   11.000
5. The Raiser            15    1     2    147    9.800
6. The Buoy               8     1     2      70    8.750
7. Bottleneck            14   0     2     121   8.643
8. The Doctor          13   0     2      78    6.000

9. Wee Rambo          3    1    1       22    7.333
10. BeefRazor           1    0     0      10   10.000
=11. The Damage     1    0     0        8    8.000
=11. Nico                  1    0     0        8    8.000
13. The Professor     7    0    2      38    5.429
14. Liam                    1    0    1       0     0.000