Result - Date a bit foggy

1st & 2nd keep it real

1. Killawatt
2. The One True Gentleman
3. The Doctor
4. Funkin Donut
5. GingaRadge
6. The Baptist
7. Petawatt
8. Wee Rambo

Apologies: The Damage (destroyed), The Bonfire (deflamed), Bottleneck (demobbed).

Spotted rubbing himself against a new moped in the street just moments before the game, Wee Rambo's mind appeared to be elsewhere for this match. The Baptist took care of him early in an over/under full hoose showdown, but unfortunately missed the opportunity to enact his moniker.

With decades of top half finishes under his belt, Petawatt finally went on the attack early (as in, before he absolutely has to) and suffered fatally when his larger bro produced a K6 to sprinkle some tinkle all over the former's Q6.

The Baptist sashayed his way into 6th after coming up against a resurrected Dunderfunk who'd come back from the deid more than once. An incredulous crowd watched on as The Baptist turned a 10-2 which actually wasn't too bad against The Donut's Q3.

5th went to Championship pacesetter, the indigenous Scot and one time flanker, Mr Prince of Gingia. Going blind against Dunderfunk's QJ, he turned over an A5, but the cairds only brought a 5 after the Q's had paired and he was on the poker buroo.

The term 'Andylanche' was coined at this juncture to describe the destruction foisted upon PP$'rs by the resurgent Corstorphinite. With four players left and no ill luck to yet complain about, let me begin now.

On the one hand, the exit of Dunderfunk in 4th was good for your inward-looking scribe, but the path to his exit doubled up both my remaining opponents, the canny Killawatt and er, The Doctor. However those two fought each other as I cowered meekly in a corner. With The Doc all-in, his J9 couldnt overcome Killa's A5. Nowt came. Then there were two.

Then something extraordinary happened!!! I doubled up from behind!!!! Quite remarkable!!!!!

Twisny to last though. Those chortlesome Poker God's were soon up to their old ways tricking me all-in with 66. Smugawatt had no choice with a 10-10 and I'm surprised we even flopped the deck to confirm my latest  penniless demise.

Result - Saturday 11th May

The Ginger Prince

Regular readers will be relieved to know that I have absolutely nothing to complain about this week. Down to the last three of an 8 player game, with just 2.5x my starting chips and supremely fortunate to be the first player hit for the big blind when it leapt from 1k/2k to 2k/4k I stupidly committed with a piddly wee AJ which was obviously far too pathetically weak to contest the QJ of Gingle Berries. The Q came on the flop of course, propelling Auburn Audrey up to chip leader. No complaints at all from me. Obviously.

Next hand the game was over when the Prince of Gingia's 10-6 smashed down Wee Rambo's Q-5 giving the former his second victory of the season and the outright lead in the 2013 (yet to be published) overall table. Two hands, two jammy draws, job done. Just one thing, er, when is it my turn fokkers?

1. Gingle Berries
2. Wee Rambo
3. The One True Gentleman of Poker
4. The Baptist
5. Petawatt
6. Sea Cock
7. Dunderblouse
8. Overthehillawatt

Apologies: The Gynaecologist (Wedding drinking), Bottleneck (Whereabouts unknown), The Bonfire (part-timer) The Damage (New world), Ricketts (rickets).

Earlier on, Wee Rambo had become the first recipient of bullets, ensuring they held up with a pre-flop bulldoze. Around this he was able to build up large piles of chips probably resulting in chip dominance for around the first half of the contest. This was eventually dented when Sea Cock cuckolded him into an unwanted call that doubled up the ever dangerous resident of Gilmerton. GingaStinga also benefitted from some bullets whilst shittest player in attendance, The One True Gentleman of Poker managed 'put down of the night' taking a while to muck his raised KJ which was then re-raised by Killawatt's KQ.

With all bodies making it to the munchy break (where munch of the year so far, some choco-raspo-fudge concoction was supplied by Mrs I.Am), certain chip stacks were diminishing whilst the likes of Wee Rambo and Dunderblouse (brushing off Fritzl/Castro aspersions) made the best of the early running.

Last place was occupied by fallen champion Killawatt, but, without any shame as he raised hard with his pocket 3's. Unable to shake off Wee Rambo behind AJ, the J on the flop put paid to the host.

With an eye on the clock, pacemaker Dunderfunk began to edge towards the trapdoor. Finding a 6-6 he pretty much demanded I called, which I had to with my AK. But an equally homeward bound Sea Cock was still to act and decided to have a punt with J-10. At exactly this moment, in poker heaven, the toast popped, the phone rang, the doorbell went and there was a noise in the back garden all at the same time, conveniently distracting the poker gods who've so had it in for me for so long. This allowed a K to arrive enhancing my already leading cairds, giving me a mega treble-up. Dunderfunk was on the tram back to Auld Reekie and Captain Birdseye was gasping for oxygen.

Sea Cock's demise soon rocked up in the form of AQ. Finding himself up against 4-2 (Wee Rambo) and A6 (Petawatt), a side pot was formed. The side pot was taken by Wee Rambo and Petawatt snaffled the main one. Sea Cock was oot which disappointed Gingastinga in particular as it meant both of his lifts home had expired.

Petawatt was dancing to his usual routine being bled down to loose change and even as far as 'a chip n a chair' territory. The crunch came as inevitably as it does forcing him in behind an 8-4 off suit. The Baptist scalped him, at the same time ensuring a first ever top half finish for himself.

But this was far enough for the Baptist. Having manfully accepted a run of beats whilst holding stuff like AQ, his exit came after his A3 was defeated by Wee Rambo's extremely ungentlemanly J2 with a flopped Jack. Then we were down to three players, incongruous blinds, regulation luck/form and back to the top of the report.

Player Profile$

In no particular order, here are profiles for all PP$ 2012 participants. The Professor who played in the 2011 Championship Game is also included as is former champ and honorary member, Mr Damage of America.

Player: Killawatt

AKA: The Killa, Silent Bob, The Great Sage, She, Hairy Oracle, PP$ Behemoth, Infallible One,

Style: Godly

Attributes: Clinical application of poker odds. Ability to ride a massive wave of skill inspired luck.

Negatives: High pitched loser, especially if the odds are deemed to have cheated him.

Honours: 5 time PP$ Champion

Poker Catchphrase: “Raise!!!”

Player: GingaRadge

AKA: Ginga Prince, Gingle Berries, Ginger Implosion, The Raj of Gingia, Ice Road Trucker, GingaTomatoSoupAddict, GingaPrincess, GingaAssasin, GingaAllInna, His Royal Radgeness,

Style: All out attack or total defence

Attributes: Bravery, willingness to get right behind pocket ducks upwards.

Negatives: No Plan B.

Honours: PP$ Poker Champion 2004

Poker Catchphrase: “Re-raise the pot”

Player: The One True Gentleman of Poker

AKA: JackSix, The Raiser, The Raizerio, The Gentleman, Raiselicious, The Greatest Player Never To Win The Title,

Style: Canny (i.e. canny play)

Attributes: Always comes back for more.

Negatives: No known flaws.

Honours: Casino 2^nd Place

Poker Catchphrase: “Thank goodness for all of us I never go on about my horrendous luck”.

Player: Petawatt

AKA: Fur Warrior, Juggerwatt, PP$ Pistorious,

Style: Steady

Attributes: Never knocked out easily.

Negatives: Prone to bleeding to death before heads up.

Honours: Online profiteer

Poker Catchphrase: “Whah, is it my turn, how much is it?”

Player: Wee Rambo

AKA: Warm Beer (not an anagram, but almost), Little Rambo, Young Rambo, Miniature Rambo, Willie Warm Beer, Mini Stallone,

Style: Unshirking

Attributes: Listens, learns, improves.

Negatives: Struggles to put down a good hand.

Honours: Online profiteer

Poker Catchphrase: “I’m working at 4am”.

Player: Bottleneck

AKA: Rare Books, Bobby Bawbag, The Wattanator,

Style: Atheist (non-believer)

Attributes: Has winability.

Negatives: Lack of endgame.

Honours: French wife.

Poker Catchphrase: “Guid cards, nae luck”

Player: Sea Cock

AKA: Captain Birdseye, C Koch, Ol’ Sea Penis, Cock o’ the Sea, Salty Ol’ Sea Dog,

Style: Unabomber

Attributes: Good when he can be bothered.

Negatives: Only good when he can be bothered.

Honours: PP$ Overall Table Qualification 2012

Poker Catchphrase: “That’s my lift turned up”.

Player: The Doctor

AKA: The Gynaecologist, Beast of Bowburn, Pussy Doctor, Dr Doctor, Dr Pussy, Dino the Vino, The Doctor of Doodling,

Style: Complete ignorance

Attributes: Able to go all the way with nothing, turn over nothing, then realise he has the nuts.

Negatives: Goes all the way with nothing when he knows its nothing.

Honours: 2010 PP$ Champion

Poker Catchphrase: “Ow mooch?”

Player: The Damage

AKA: Fiscal Cliff, President Damage,

Style: Curmudgeonly

Attributes: Hasn’t finished last for 18 months.

Negatives: Home address.

Honours: Two time PP$ Poker Champion (2005, 2006)

Poker Catchphrase: “There’s a WWII film on at half ten I want to watch”

Player: Da Blouse

AKA: The Man with No Nickname, The Man with No Blouse, Aces, Dunderfunk, DunderBlouse, Santanders Claus, The Former Blouse, Thunderfunk, Dundertrump, The Corstorphine Chianti, Andersfunk, Daddy Dunkbucket, Dunkin Donut, Paintbrush, Aces Picasso, Leonardo Dunderfunk, Constable Andrews, Duncbucket,

Style: Lucky

Attributes: Gets dealt millions of Aces although seemingly fewer these days than in the noughties.

Negatives: Not allowed out after 10pm.

Honours: Two time PP$ Poker Champion (2001, 2002)

Poker Catchphrase: “I’ve got the nuts again”.

Player: The Baptist

AKA: L.I.Am, Mr Am,

Style: More Skywalker than Solo

Attributes: No fear

Honours: PP$ top ten player 2012

Poker Catchphrase: “What would Obiwan do?”

Player: The Professor

AKA: Prof, Sicknote.

Style: Rudimentary

Attributes: Plays well under the influence

Negatives: Doesn’t play well while not under the influence

Honours: Details unavailable

Poker Catchphrase: “Fine, take my fiver again”. 

Result - 15/12/2012

Heads-up poker, Gynaecologist v Wee Rambo

1. The Gynaecologist

2. Wee Rambo

3. The Killa

4. The One True Gentleman

5. Petawatt

6. The Baptist

7. Ginger Implosion

8. Santanders Claus (only shows up once a year)

9. Bottleneck

10. C Koch.

Apologies: President Damage (Raiding Macy's), The Professor (Bothering Borderers), Rob's French Mate that played once and hated Sarkozy (France).

No Apologies, Just Ignorant No Showism: Sea Cock.

Nine players took part in the penultimate game of the season at Kev's Colosseum last Saturday and things could hardly have set up the 2012 Championship Game in early January any better.

I say nine, there were of course ten places set to begin with, but the Tenth Man, in this age of blanket electronic communication opportunities was unable to relay his non-attendance in any way. The host was visibly upset at this brazen rudeness and had to be talked down from a nearby tree before the match could commence. Typical Eskhill/Gilmerton slumdog behaviour I must say, nothing a good thrashing couldn't put right!!!

As is tradition within these pages, the winner of the battle is treated with whatever the opposite of kid gloves are (Granny mittens?). I'm reluctant to be too harsh this time though, preferring to keep my spare ire as usual for Petawatt for some as yet to be understood subconscious reason. Firstly because the twat wot won put me out en route, which gives me some sort of claim to being the second best player on the night despite finishing fourth. And secondly, because the manner of his victory, relying on luck above skill, hitting his own cards and dodging those of everyone else, is my preferred manner of victory every three years or so. It's reassuring to know that skill isn't always the main factor in victory.

All underhand tactics welcome

In his own words, the first man ejected summarised his night as "Guid cairds, nae luck". Two nines in the hand done for the Bottleneck against QQ in the grubby paws of the Doctor and we were down to eight. Rumours abound that Bottleneck will be spending next summer in the States at Poker Boot Camp to reinvigorate his play.

8th place was accepted by Dunderblouse. Commuting these days from just north of Reykjavik has limited his participation in the last year or so and when he has made it across the ocean's and range's he's had to turn round and head straight home again more or less as he takes off his Parka. In a bid to eradicate all opposition in quick time the shady Icelander brought a bottle of Absinthe to add to the Bomb ingredients we've accumulated. Tipping the scales at 55% the Bomb Bros held off until after the break before having to sample the poison. By then it was too late for the former Blouse. Holding a flush draw the assembled PP$'rs were cock-a-hoop when The Baptist 'Aced Aces' by tripping his A on the flop, a favourite ploy of the former from yesteryear.

The Championship race was then blown wide open. The GingaPrince is imploding before our very eyes in the style of Kevin Keegan back in 95-96. A PP$ resignation in the toilets might not be far off taking this particular analogy two football steps too far for most of the attendees. GingaPrince, pushing with a KJ v Killawatt who paired a 6 to send the Championship Leader into a deep dark hole of doubt. Are we going to witness final table pain akin to his 2010 heartbreak? As it stands (overall table will be 'released prior to the Championship Game), he still sits top with four victories, but Killawatt and The Doctor with three wins and better averages are right in the hunt with a game to play.

With two last place finishes in his first two appearances in our shark pit, The Baptist was in dire need of some improvement and found it as he made it past the Munchy Break for the first time alighting in 6th place. My memory and notes are unclear although I think he left clutching a low flush after previously coming back from the dead in a hand v The Doctor.

Petawatt who is desperately trying to find the win that'll guarantee me the Overall Wooden Spoon in 2012 perished next in 5th. The Doctor hit the river with a K to clobber the former's A5. There could be a few of us signing up to that boot camp next summer!!!

Then it was my turn. Again it was The Pussy Doctor who lucked out. My K4 hit a K on the flop, as did his K6. Once all the cards were out the 6 counted and I went into a huff for 5 minutes trying not to catch site of his beaming mug.

With three players left, GingaRadge was hoping Killawatt didn't win to take the overall lead for the year. If he'd have hung about he'd have been delighted as The Doctor produced an AK v Killawatt's A7 and the reigning champion had to leave the table just as the money joined.

Which God do/don't you believe in again?

On pint night in the Croon on Wednesday, a whimpering Little Rambo beseeched me to report sympathetically on his second place finish feeling he'd been somewhat hard done by. This is akin to Rupert Murdoch pleading for a fair trial when he's eventually dragged before Justice. If you dish it out when it's going your way it is most unbecoming to squeal like a pig when the great Flying Poker Spaghetti Monster deign's to anoint another. I quelled my opprobrium, until now.

Being a tad fair, maybe he was referring to hands such as his J7 v Q4. On the flop came a 7, then a 4 before the river turned out to be a Q. Maybe he has a case as that would have been the winning hand, instead Dr Pussy doubled up and ultimately used another Q4 to gub Rambo's A8.

Like all winners, The Doctor was unbearable in victory with the assembled crowd vehemently disagreeing with any assessment he made of his performance. It does however move him up to three wins alongside Killawatt, both with a better average than Four Wins Gingle Berries making the last game of 2012 a three-way tussle for the trophy.

Result - Saturday 6th October

The Baptist's bro

1. Gingle Berries
2. Bottleneck
3. Wee Rambo
4. The Raizerio
5. Sea Cock
6= Killawatt
6= Petawatt
8. The Dr
9. The Baptist

This week, at Kev's Colosseum, as part of my continuing expiation of past poker sins I once more subjected myself to continued strafing by the Gods of Poker.

Article Aid

How the fudge was that for an opening line my poker playing cohorts????? Due to the late completion of this match report I have endeavoured to push out the proverbial boat and extol a game description from some higher realm.

My spell in poker purgatory appears to be nearing it's cessation as those aforementioned and very fickle deities allowed me to rise to the giddy heights of fourth (4th) place making my attendance almost (almost) worthwhile for once.

Ah if only The Raizerio hadn't been able to make it, surmised The Baptist, who got stabbed in the front in a fateful hand where your humble and increasingly gentlemanly narrator escaped serious injury in an early all-in manscrap to the poker death.

With successive regeneration from JackSix to The Raiser through The Raizerio I now appear to have settled in my new form as The One True Gentleman of Poker. Whilst L.I.Am suffered an early exit holding 66677 to my 77766, my hand was not the Nuts with a shining bullet lurking on the flop and his long considered call to my all-in re-raise sent a tremor of trepidity amongst my very being. But I did not shed a tear for his pickle for in a game of poker, emotion is left at the door along with your weapon.

Amongst this hand of mortal fate the condescension so often oozing from the pores of the Killawatt bubbled to the surface. A thorough slab of wisdom was awarded, gratis, to Scotland's only member of the Blackeyedpeas amid-hand whilst fully amidst The Gentleman's crosshairs. Whilst The One True Gentleman was asked for his permission prior to the dissemination of Killawatt's pansophy, your poor humble scribe was placed within an instant predicament. To agree to allow the advice was a humongous tell. To disagree would emit an equally humongous tell. Your author wonders about the magnitude of the explosion that would have taken place had these tables been turned around upon the former legendary champion herself. But no harm done from this perspective, The Baptist was out and The Gentleman had won his second hand in 4 years.

In a nine player game there are two paths to tread. Either undertake an early program of wealth accumulation by knocking people out and/or winning mukka-chukka hands or simply hang on for grim death. After Mr Am's early fatality each competitor adopted the latter strategy and so everybody seemed to bleed dry of their lifechips leaving a few vulnerable seats.

The Doctor was amidst these benighted peoples, usually at the behest of continual reminders from the other players not to risk anything rash. This inadvertently resulted in never winning anything worthwhile. His last hurrah was an all-in push with that most comical of hands, the old J-6. But the slayer of recent games past, Ol' Sea Penis himself matched the Doctor's chips and revealed A-6. The Doctor required urgent medical assistance, but was treated like a lame horse, Sea Cock's bullet finishing him off.

Seventh position remained vacant this day as the next victim was a double homicide by the Bottleneck. Both Watt's had AK, Sea Cock stayed interested astride A-10 while Bottleneck kept royal company with the King and his Queen. The only card to help anyone was another Q and the victor declared himself the Wattanator!!! While Killawatt's form has been relatively indifferent of late, this was the first time Petawatt had finished outside the top 3 since 1897.

Wee Rambo's Hope Diamond

The doublekill almost developed into an all out bloodbath the very next hand. Ginga Radge piled all-in with AK and found himself up against 66 held by the jungle running, helicopter flying, knife stabbing Wee Rambo. But a K appeared keeping the soon to be Ice Road Trucker lived to truck another day.

So 5th place was reserved for Sea Cock as his status decamped from 'Still in' to 'Oot' in a hand with shades of that which ended the participation of The Doctor. With little option other than hope for the best with a J7, Ginga Prince extinguished the fishy lifeblood of the sailing Sea Cock with a decisive K7 and then there were four.

And I was somehow still one of them. As was Bottleneck. But with Wee Rambo (lucky) and Ginga Radge (trucky) making up the four, we already knew we wouldn't be able to win.

Gingle Berries listening material

I utilised all the gumption I've shown recently by manufacturing a position where I was all in with J2. It was no match for the Q8 of Bottleneck and the weaklings of the foursome succeeded in making the ultimate goal of victory even easier for the two favourites when Queenboy hit another 8. Now that I am The One True Gentleman of Poker, I do not point out that I never hit in these positions while always suffering exactly the opposite when my opponent hits cards he usually doesn't even require.

A spectacular mash up ensued at the next crossroads when Wee Rambo pushed his remaining wealth behind 4-5 of diamantes. The Prince couldn't avoid the showdown with his QQ. By the cessation of the hand Penicuik's very own Sly Stallone impersonator had hit two Hope Diamonds before the appearance of a third Killer Queen.

Liquid Lunch

Online betting closed immediately as this pitted GingaTomatoSoupAddict against eighteen times married Bottleneck in a heads-up bitch slap that was only going to have one winner. The latter flew at the former with 77 (diamonds and clubs) but was beaten back down with 88 (diamonds and clubs) as the weight of poker history refused to allow Bottleneck a second win of the season. The end soon arrived as Bottleneck's Q6 flapped to a slow and painful death, like a Mackerel in a Mackerel fisherman's creel. The Radge already had enough with a K3 and strode onto the winners podium with the arrival of an aggrandising 3.