November result and Overall Table

Second win of the season for D'oh D'oh Dunkin.

Due to 'administrative' errors a slightly under populated sixsome contested an OFFICIAL game at Kev's Colosseum earlier this month. The result wiz:

1. DunderDonut
2. Shantanamo Gay
3. Petawatt
4. Dr 'Spreadum'
5. The Gent
6. Killawatt

Making this the latest championship table:

15 games played (8 h+1)        P    Wins     2nd     Last     Pts     Ave

The Doctor                            12      3        0          2       119    9.917
Wee Rambo                           8       2        2          1       101   12.625
The Bonfire                            9       2         2         0        105   11.667
GingaStinga                           14      2         2         1        153   10.929
Killawatt                                 15      2        3         3        141    9.400
Dunderfunk                            10      2        1         2         85     8.500
The One True Gentleman      14      1        2         1        151   10.786
Petawatt                                15      0        2         1        149    9.933
Sea Cock                               8       0        1         2         44     5.500

Bottleneck                              7      1        0        2          47      6.714
The Baptist                             3      0        0        0          18      6.000
Wattinlaw                               2      0        0        0           8       4.000

Saturday 23rd March - Result & Report

What I'm now up against

Decisions, decisions, whether to keep this weeks bad beat whinge for later or just get it out the way now? I've given it three days to cool off, but to little effect. So why not get the greetin over with!!!

The Worlds Crappest Ever Poker Player (that's me folks, statistically it's undeniable) was first out in a hail of bullets. Playing the top end poker that's gotten me nowhere for so long, I shunned all middling and worse hands, as the clever advice advises. The first hand I opted to play, I was last to act on the big blind, everyone folded bar one raiser. With a J-9 I decided to have a wee look. After the flop, I've got top pair and an overcard. Only one thing to do in that situation, raise. My foe, fellow wooden spoon contender Petawatt, showed no sign of backing down though, chucking a re-raise at me. So I fold about 300 or so skinter after being re-raised, declaring he had a higher pocket pair than my 9's. In a gentlemanly fashion, he showed AA. Winning the hand seems to be enough for the Petawatt, no requirement for trash-talkin and besmirching his clan's good name.

Ach well, at least that meant I wouldn't have to worry about coming up against A's for a while. The chances of playing just two hands and finding you're up against AA would be way beyond statistical sense. If that came to be, maybe God does exist after all, maybe I will win the lottery and maybe I am actually the greatest poker hotshot ever born!!!

If I had a gun...

A while later I'm dealt a spade flush draw on the flop. I've got the Q. The K comes on the turn giving me a K-hi flush (AND now a straight flush draw too). To get to the point of finding out my adversary most likely has the A with a re-raise to his raise, I'm down from 1600ish to 300 or so chips. Against Sea Cock, who had thought Q-7 pre-flop was a good hand after being pot-raised, when I put him out in the previous game, despite being out of position and pot-raised by me at every opportunity, I had to weigh up if his blatant 'I've got the A' behaviour was real or fake. I decided by now I'd gone too far and had to see. He slowly turned over a red A first, absolutely no need to put me out of my misery, then the A of spades.

Two hands, up against two pairs of bullets, both times the bullets held up against me and both times I hit cards to wade into deep trouble with.

The Doctor earlier insisted that paying cash to get shafted for years is an enjoyable way to spend an evening. This was met with some ire. Now, when every hand I'm up against is AA, well I'm at a loss as to what to do next. Fortunately there were witnesses to see these bullets, otherwise I'd be quite sure I was actually just going mad, which, all considered, would be preferable to this run of form/luck.

All I can see these days, am I going mad???

But later, once The Doctor had won the whole game (with a Q-8), and declaring it was all down to being lucky, I was even more delighted than a delighted fiver-donater could ever be thought to be. When is the next game, I simply cannot wait!!!

A good while after my exit, well after the munchy break - hardly worth pointing out there wasn't another pair of Aces dealt all night - The Bonfire found himself trapped in a cul-de-sac of pain he had no intention of entering in the first place. With a 7-4 in the hand and a 7-4 on the flop he pushed all-in and heard the dreaded words from Petawatt "ahhh, I have to, just to see". The Bonfire's fate was sealed, the 2 on the flop was matched on the turn making Petawatt's pocket 9's into a better two pair than Bonfires 7-7-4-4.

Bottleneck, making his first appearance since the recent sprog-thunk, left the game in 6th after a bit of to-ing and fro-ing with Killawatt. First he went all-in with KK v A-6 and it held up. Next he was all-in with A-6 v QQ, but couldn't find another A and exited in 6th.

Captain Birdseye, my 'Nemesis of the Week' ran aground soon after. His AQ v The Dr's AK suited was beasted when The Dr made his flush. He was then sunk for good by Petawatt when his Q-5 took on the latters J-10. Whilst Sea Cock hit a 5, the Fur Warrior hit a J and the field had been halved.

Reigning champion and one-move master tactician, Prince of Gingia felt the full force of poker's fickle hand of bad luck next. Charging into battle, as he is prone, with 5-5, he was met by the Gynaecologist brandishing KQ. When another slutty little Q appeared, The Prince was oot.

Some wag called the three remaining players - Killa, Doc & Petawatt - "two patsies and a behemoth". It wasn't long before the first Watt-off. Killa held K-2 and the Peta had J-8. Lacking in chips the latter pushed all his hopes into the pot, nothing came for either and we were down to the last two players. Blog rules dictate I must mention that this is Petawatt's modus operandi, top half finish, bleed out before the finale. I wish I was that good.

The Doctor now had some ground to make up. Forced all in with a J-7, he found Killa with 10-7 and held up to double up. Back in the match!!! Soon the medic's QQ held up v Killa's K-9, doubling up again. Not long after the Doctor's sublime skill was to the fore once more as his J-5 beat Killa's (blind all-in) Q-6. A staggering coming from behind with the aid of another pesky 5. With the Killa bleeding badly from all these cuts, the end arrived when his Q-4 took it royally up the garbage shoot from Dino the Vino's Q-8. The Doctor was the winner allowing a final "I'm f%&£+@ loving this" exclamation from my good self.

1. The Gynaecologist
2. Killawatt
3. Petawatt
4. The Ginga Stinga
5. C (is for) C***
6. Bottleneck
7. Shantanamo Bay
8. Greetin Little Woose

Player Profile$

In no particular order, here are profiles for all PP$ 2012 participants. The Professor who played in the 2011 Championship Game is also included as is former champ and honorary member, Mr Damage of America.

Player: Killawatt

AKA: The Killa, Silent Bob, The Great Sage, She, Hairy Oracle, PP$ Behemoth, Infallible One,

Style: Godly

Attributes: Clinical application of poker odds. Ability to ride a massive wave of skill inspired luck.

Negatives: High pitched loser, especially if the odds are deemed to have cheated him.

Honours: 5 time PP$ Champion

Poker Catchphrase: “Raise!!!”

Player: GingaRadge

AKA: Ginga Prince, Gingle Berries, Ginger Implosion, The Raj of Gingia, Ice Road Trucker, GingaTomatoSoupAddict, GingaPrincess, GingaAssasin, GingaAllInna, His Royal Radgeness,

Style: All out attack or total defence

Attributes: Bravery, willingness to get right behind pocket ducks upwards.

Negatives: No Plan B.

Honours: PP$ Poker Champion 2004

Poker Catchphrase: “Re-raise the pot”

Player: The One True Gentleman of Poker

AKA: JackSix, The Raiser, The Raizerio, The Gentleman, Raiselicious, The Greatest Player Never To Win The Title,

Style: Canny (i.e. canny play)

Attributes: Always comes back for more.

Negatives: No known flaws.

Honours: Casino 2^nd Place

Poker Catchphrase: “Thank goodness for all of us I never go on about my horrendous luck”.

Player: Petawatt

AKA: Fur Warrior, Juggerwatt, PP$ Pistorious,

Style: Steady

Attributes: Never knocked out easily.

Negatives: Prone to bleeding to death before heads up.

Honours: Online profiteer

Poker Catchphrase: “Whah, is it my turn, how much is it?”

Player: Wee Rambo

AKA: Warm Beer (not an anagram, but almost), Little Rambo, Young Rambo, Miniature Rambo, Willie Warm Beer, Mini Stallone,

Style: Unshirking

Attributes: Listens, learns, improves.

Negatives: Struggles to put down a good hand.

Honours: Online profiteer

Poker Catchphrase: “I’m working at 4am”.

Player: Bottleneck

AKA: Rare Books, Bobby Bawbag, The Wattanator,

Style: Atheist (non-believer)

Attributes: Has winability.

Negatives: Lack of endgame.

Honours: French wife.

Poker Catchphrase: “Guid cards, nae luck”

Player: Sea Cock

AKA: Captain Birdseye, C Koch, Ol’ Sea Penis, Cock o’ the Sea, Salty Ol’ Sea Dog,

Style: Unabomber

Attributes: Good when he can be bothered.

Negatives: Only good when he can be bothered.

Honours: PP$ Overall Table Qualification 2012

Poker Catchphrase: “That’s my lift turned up”.

Player: The Doctor

AKA: The Gynaecologist, Beast of Bowburn, Pussy Doctor, Dr Doctor, Dr Pussy, Dino the Vino, The Doctor of Doodling,

Style: Complete ignorance

Attributes: Able to go all the way with nothing, turn over nothing, then realise he has the nuts.

Negatives: Goes all the way with nothing when he knows its nothing.

Honours: 2010 PP$ Champion

Poker Catchphrase: “Ow mooch?”

Player: The Damage

AKA: Fiscal Cliff, President Damage,

Style: Curmudgeonly

Attributes: Hasn’t finished last for 18 months.

Negatives: Home address.

Honours: Two time PP$ Poker Champion (2005, 2006)

Poker Catchphrase: “There’s a WWII film on at half ten I want to watch”

Player: Da Blouse

AKA: The Man with No Nickname, The Man with No Blouse, Aces, Dunderfunk, DunderBlouse, Santanders Claus, The Former Blouse, Thunderfunk, Dundertrump, The Corstorphine Chianti, Andersfunk, Daddy Dunkbucket, Dunkin Donut, Paintbrush, Aces Picasso, Leonardo Dunderfunk, Constable Andrews, Duncbucket,

Style: Lucky

Attributes: Gets dealt millions of Aces although seemingly fewer these days than in the noughties.

Negatives: Not allowed out after 10pm.

Honours: Two time PP$ Poker Champion (2001, 2002)

Poker Catchphrase: “I’ve got the nuts again”.

Player: The Baptist

AKA: L.I.Am, Mr Am,

Style: More Skywalker than Solo

Attributes: No fear

Honours: PP$ top ten player 2012

Poker Catchphrase: “What would Obiwan do?”

Player: The Professor

AKA: Prof, Sicknote.

Style: Rudimentary

Attributes: Plays well under the influence

Negatives: Doesn’t play well while not under the influence

Honours: Details unavailable

Poker Catchphrase: “Fine, take my fiver again”. 

Result - 15/12/2012

Heads-up poker, Gynaecologist v Wee Rambo

1. The Gynaecologist

2. Wee Rambo

3. The Killa

4. The One True Gentleman

5. Petawatt

6. The Baptist

7. Ginger Implosion

8. Santanders Claus (only shows up once a year)

9. Bottleneck

10. C Koch.

Apologies: President Damage (Raiding Macy's), The Professor (Bothering Borderers), Rob's French Mate that played once and hated Sarkozy (France).

No Apologies, Just Ignorant No Showism: Sea Cock.

Nine players took part in the penultimate game of the season at Kev's Colosseum last Saturday and things could hardly have set up the 2012 Championship Game in early January any better.

I say nine, there were of course ten places set to begin with, but the Tenth Man, in this age of blanket electronic communication opportunities was unable to relay his non-attendance in any way. The host was visibly upset at this brazen rudeness and had to be talked down from a nearby tree before the match could commence. Typical Eskhill/Gilmerton slumdog behaviour I must say, nothing a good thrashing couldn't put right!!!

As is tradition within these pages, the winner of the battle is treated with whatever the opposite of kid gloves are (Granny mittens?). I'm reluctant to be too harsh this time though, preferring to keep my spare ire as usual for Petawatt for some as yet to be understood subconscious reason. Firstly because the twat wot won put me out en route, which gives me some sort of claim to being the second best player on the night despite finishing fourth. And secondly, because the manner of his victory, relying on luck above skill, hitting his own cards and dodging those of everyone else, is my preferred manner of victory every three years or so. It's reassuring to know that skill isn't always the main factor in victory.

All underhand tactics welcome

In his own words, the first man ejected summarised his night as "Guid cairds, nae luck". Two nines in the hand done for the Bottleneck against QQ in the grubby paws of the Doctor and we were down to eight. Rumours abound that Bottleneck will be spending next summer in the States at Poker Boot Camp to reinvigorate his play.

8th place was accepted by Dunderblouse. Commuting these days from just north of Reykjavik has limited his participation in the last year or so and when he has made it across the ocean's and range's he's had to turn round and head straight home again more or less as he takes off his Parka. In a bid to eradicate all opposition in quick time the shady Icelander brought a bottle of Absinthe to add to the Bomb ingredients we've accumulated. Tipping the scales at 55% the Bomb Bros held off until after the break before having to sample the poison. By then it was too late for the former Blouse. Holding a flush draw the assembled PP$'rs were cock-a-hoop when The Baptist 'Aced Aces' by tripping his A on the flop, a favourite ploy of the former from yesteryear.

The Championship race was then blown wide open. The GingaPrince is imploding before our very eyes in the style of Kevin Keegan back in 95-96. A PP$ resignation in the toilets might not be far off taking this particular analogy two football steps too far for most of the attendees. GingaPrince, pushing with a KJ v Killawatt who paired a 6 to send the Championship Leader into a deep dark hole of doubt. Are we going to witness final table pain akin to his 2010 heartbreak? As it stands (overall table will be 'released prior to the Championship Game), he still sits top with four victories, but Killawatt and The Doctor with three wins and better averages are right in the hunt with a game to play.

With two last place finishes in his first two appearances in our shark pit, The Baptist was in dire need of some improvement and found it as he made it past the Munchy Break for the first time alighting in 6th place. My memory and notes are unclear although I think he left clutching a low flush after previously coming back from the dead in a hand v The Doctor.

Petawatt who is desperately trying to find the win that'll guarantee me the Overall Wooden Spoon in 2012 perished next in 5th. The Doctor hit the river with a K to clobber the former's A5. There could be a few of us signing up to that boot camp next summer!!!

Then it was my turn. Again it was The Pussy Doctor who lucked out. My K4 hit a K on the flop, as did his K6. Once all the cards were out the 6 counted and I went into a huff for 5 minutes trying not to catch site of his beaming mug.

With three players left, GingaRadge was hoping Killawatt didn't win to take the overall lead for the year. If he'd have hung about he'd have been delighted as The Doctor produced an AK v Killawatt's A7 and the reigning champion had to leave the table just as the money joined.

Which God do/don't you believe in again?

On pint night in the Croon on Wednesday, a whimpering Little Rambo beseeched me to report sympathetically on his second place finish feeling he'd been somewhat hard done by. This is akin to Rupert Murdoch pleading for a fair trial when he's eventually dragged before Justice. If you dish it out when it's going your way it is most unbecoming to squeal like a pig when the great Flying Poker Spaghetti Monster deign's to anoint another. I quelled my opprobrium, until now.

Being a tad fair, maybe he was referring to hands such as his J7 v Q4. On the flop came a 7, then a 4 before the river turned out to be a Q. Maybe he has a case as that would have been the winning hand, instead Dr Pussy doubled up and ultimately used another Q4 to gub Rambo's A8.

Like all winners, The Doctor was unbearable in victory with the assembled crowd vehemently disagreeing with any assessment he made of his performance. It does however move him up to three wins alongside Killawatt, both with a better average than Four Wins Gingle Berries making the last game of 2012 a three-way tussle for the trophy.

Saturday 27th October - Result

Dr Victorious

1. The Gynaecologist
2. Ginga Radge
3. Wee Rambo
4. Sea Cock
5. Killawatt
6. Petawatt
7. The One True Gentleman
8. Bottleneck

Apologies: The Damage (Eastern Seaboard), Hurricane Andy (Eastern Seaboard), L.I.Am (In the studio), The Prof (almost totally retired).

As the end of the season and the exalted Championship Game loom into sight, playaz begin to get a bit twitchy around this time of year. With the publication of an up to date Championship Table before the game all manner of permutations swill around inside the mostly empty bonce's of the PP$ massive.

When an inanimate plastic button just won't do

The Raj of Gingia finds himself atop the 2012 rankings and within sight of a first championship for between 2-7 years (stats office is closed on a Sunday as I write this, if indeed you can classify this as writing). It is often said she holds only a Plan A (a rather decent Plan A, but one single plan nonetheless) and her stats bear this out somewhat. After this game she has now played 12 games and finished 1st, 2nd or last in 10 of them. A high risk strategy that might pay off in poker, but maybe think twice about getting in this dude's motor should you have designs on ultimately reaching your destination.

Early excitement was provided with the introduction of an all-singing, all-dancing new dealer chip, see photo.

Whilst all players survived until after the break (The Baptist & The Prof not in attendance & Ginga Radge not getting a good enough all-in hand til post-munchies) it was Bottleneck who was out the traps early accumulating the first decent chipstack. Famous from Cornbank to Reno for not having an endgame, this didn't concern many at the table and not long after saying he was yet to hear a Savile joke, then being bombarded by some, he was, metaphorically at least, like Sir Jimmy, lying six feet under in an unmarked grave.

The One True Gentleman, who is vying with Bottleneck for the wooden spoon, continued on his teary run of form.  The very next hand after Bottleneck's demise the former Raiser was all-in with 77 and up against two players with aces. Being ahead at this stage, just like being behind at this stage means The Gentleman is going to lose. Another Ace appeared and I finished 3rd in a hand I was leading when I pushed. Christ even I'm bored stupid with my hard luck stories now.

The next hand saw a Watt-off. Brunette Watt, on a granny shoved all-in behind a 78 whilst Blonde Watt had to back his AQ. The former hit both his cards whilst dodging either of the latter's. While I may be bored stupid with my own hard luck stories, YET AGAIN, WHY THE HELL CAN'T I HOLD UP OR GET LUCKY LIKE THIS, EVER, never mind from behind like Brunette Watt here??? Drives me mad.

With consecutive hands knocking out Bottleneck, then The Gentleman, then Killawatt surviving an all-in, just two hands later it was Petawatt's turn to seek the exit. His AQ v Ginga Radge's AQ looked OK until the Radge hit his flush on the river. It really was Deathsville!!!

Killawatt soon got a taste of what it's like to be The Gentleman shoving his stack behind 88. Sea Cock fancied a K4 for some reason, hit his K and the Watt clan lay slain on the field of battle.

By now, just like a couple of games ago, the Ginga Prince had sat patiently with rubbish cards all night before now beginning to hit hand after hand and building a chip empire to match. His overall lead came when his 33 held up against a flush chasin Dr with A9.

Sea Cock, who is trying to get a new nickname with a sweary word in it past the censors of this blog (me) left the game in 4th place. Forced into action with an A6, the A-10 of the new chip leader beat him up good.

This left two potential winners and a patsy in the shapes of Ginga Radge, Wee Rambo & The Doctor of Doodling. Wee Rambo, not working at 4am, left the game in 3rd place after his KQ met a 67 and the flop came 10-9-8 making it cash on the table time.

Championship Leader Gingle Berries was massive favourite at this point with 15,200 chips to the Doctor's 1600. Unfortunately I forget what the blinds were. But it didn't look good for the Doctor who until now, rather unusually, had managed to avoid hoying all his chips in behind cock-all on a mad whim. No doubt this would happen soon.

Heads up Spab Boy action

Spectators were soon diving for cover as the wheels spectacularly began falling off of the Flame Haired bandwagon. First The Doctor hit a higher straight to double up. Then all-in with AJ he met a AK but hit a J (again, I refer you back to my years of bad luck, this does not happen to The One True Gentlemen, thank goodness for all of us I never go on about it). Then the Doctor had 10-10 and found himself against 6-6 and tripped a 10. The Championship Leader was floundering badly by now. Even when he scrambled some chips back and the overall stacks were even enough, the psychological game was done and dusted and it only seemed a matter of time until his ultimate demise. It came when his 55 found The Doctor holding AQ suited. An A duly arrived, the game was over and an unlikely win fell into the lap of The Gynaecologist. Any delusions that he played well or worse, 'deserved' the win can be easily countered by referring back to his AJ v AK win. Loocky, loocky bastid!!!!

Result - 21/07/2012

Sea Cock & breadcrumbs

1. Sea Cock
2. The Doctor
3. Wee Rambo
4. Petawatt
5. Bottleneck
6. Killawatt
7. The Raiser

Four bitch slappins into this game I'd had enough and pumped my remaining stack on QQ. Not only was this already behind the KK held by Bottleneck, the first card turned was another big durty K, well whaddayaknow. A blessed relief to be shot of this stupid fudgin pastime!!!!

The Dr after a Tropitoffee Bomb

Arriving late I'd missed a major Killawatt misjudgement. Playing & beating The Doctor all the way through a hand with the aid of a 9 of hearts to make his middling flush, he turned to show - eek - a 9 of diamonds. A 'reverse dean' against the inventor of 'doing a dean'. Revenge for the Championship Leader didn't come during the remainder of the game but was meted out later with all manner of bombs leaving the "english" one (he declared that earlier) near whiteying on the couch begging for mercy and spewing champagne bubbles into a basin. Puir wee scone!!!

The Dr post Bucks Fizz Bomb

Noticing the likelihood that his condition might later provoke the author of a local poker blog to cherry pick details in a manner akin to the style used in the national press, thereby inferring The Doctor was anything other than hardcore alcoholic since birth and somehow couldn't handle drink when presented in a novelty glass and a range of colours, and consequently prompting the Doctor to have to write an email complaining about such lack of journalistic integrity, The Doctor sprang from his slumbers.

Hopping from foot to foot he chopped down the remaining slovenly Scots in the room with a mixture of PHd level chat and strafing right/left upper cut combo's. In a flash he'd put the table back in the cupboard, emptied the ashtrays and done the dishes so he couldn't later be accused of being all bad. Without breaking stride he was down to Glentress in a matter of moments on an undersized trike with no tyres and one gear, booting it round the mountain side backwards whilst still wearing his shades. The polis warn against this, which made it all the more daring from the Beast of Bowburn. Finally deciding his manhood had been redeemed almost enough, The Doctor decided to return to the Colosseum the long way by kicking Froome into the scrub and pacemaking for Wiggins for an entire stage to ensure a maiden English (surely British) victory in the Tour de France. He's too often under appreciated, but its the unnoticed hard yards he puts in that people don't always see that make the man great (is this enough yet, I'm boring myself now?).

All accusations of tabloidry against this blog completely scuppered with this upskirt shot of the Dr after a Double Lolly Bomb

Whilst Killawatt survived that error with a few chips left, a mini comeback (one of my aforementioned bitch slappins) had given him a route back in. The crunch came soon after v Sea Cock. Killa held two spades. Sea Cock held two clubs. After the turn card there were two more spades and two more clubs out, so both players flushing. The club came, Sea Cock triumphed and Killawatt was sent to reflect on where his previous poker dominance has decided to hide.

It was Bottlenecks turn next to feel the Cock of the Sea. The formers 44 nowhere near good enough to overcome 99 from the Salty Ol' Sea Dog. Then Petawatt was the next to be done up like a kipper by Captain Birdseye choking slowly like a fish in an empty bucket, I think a 10-2 off suit being the death rattle of a disappointingly nondescript performance.

Wee Rambo couldn't do better than 3rd place when his Q8 was shown the door when Sea Cock's suited A4 flopped a straight.

Suddenly there are two players who don't have a clue what day it is vying for the money and worse still, pushing right into Championship contention. Sea Cock who'd slain everyone so far apart from your humble narrator who'd deliberately fell on his sword in a huff and Doctor 'I'm awake, no, I'm sleeping again, no, I'm awake, no, I've lost it again, what's happening, HOW MOOCH' Dot-to-dot (I admit, that name might not catch on). Doctor Etc thought a Q5 was a good hand against Sea Cocks KJ suited. The cards arrived in this order; 9-3-8-K-K and it was good night ya drunken bums as the designated driver pocketed the pennies and left with his second win of the season, although crucially, he is short of his half-plus-one qualification, so it might all be in vain.