Saturday 20th April - Result

W.T.F.

The fourth game of the 2013 season took place at Kev's Colosseum on Saturday night and provided confusion in spades. And yes, The Gynaecologist was the flapping hose in the middle of it.

Nine players turned up, all keen to discover which harsh set of circumstances the Poker Gods would deign to smote me with this week. The baying mob wouldn't be disappointed. But more on that in a short while.

The game was won by part time attendee Mr D Donuts in a display mixed with some good play (self assessment) and a stunning run of winning hands defying cold hard odds time after time (external assessments). Starting at the end of the game and working backwards, we shall begin with the final hand of the evening.

The Bonfire was dealt QQ and slid the last of his stack into the pot. He found himself up against the Donut's K-4. A cowboy arrived on the flop, settling the hand and the match. Donut victorious. Nothing (toooo) outrageous on that hand alone even if he was nearly a 3-1 underdog.

Petawatt had departed in third place (I know, total shock eh?), also a victim of the Donut Monster. Petawatt liked his KJ. Then he loved it when he found he was against Q-10. Then two Q's arrived on the flop and that was that. Donut win from 2-1 underdog this time. Hmmm, the case for the prosecution is mounting your honour!!!

Your humble scribe finished in 4th place allowing two narratives to neatly conspire. As those in the know, know, I'm somewhere amidst a lengthy run of apparent bad luck stretching back further now than I care to remember. This combined with Da Blouse's unarguably skilful way of defying odds on the night plunged me once again into bewildered despair. Having seemingly timed my all-in to perfection by pushing behind a Q-4 to find myself against his Q-3 (chances of winning 22%), the arrival of another 3 was quite hilarious.

With 5 players left, Petawatt had been forced into an all-in behind a 10-10 and found himself against Dunderfunk's J-9. Somehow the best cards held up in this showdown and Petawatt managed to live to be shafted later on.

So far we have 2nd, 3rd and 4th place all ejected by Da Blouse's inferior cards. Working on through the placings we now arrive at 5th place. This position was occupied by the GingaRadge. He was skilfully ejected by Mr Donut's A3 as it skilfully hit a 3 on the flop to skilfully beat the Radge's AJ. How unskilful of the GingaRadge I'm sure we can all agree. What was he thinking?

Behind five times, dominated TWICE, victorious five times. Skill!!! Skill???

Ron Swanson - perplexed too

The Doctor perished in 6th place in a manner that allows me to gleefully revisit old moans. First to act after the blinds, he pot raised to 1500 leaving himself with 300. He made this unnecessary and out of position move with a Q-10. Your narrator, next to act after finding bullets in the hole, went all in (1800 total). The rest folded, but The Doctor, unbowed by someone who only goes all-in with bullets or nuts, especially when miles out of position, still saw fit to push the remainder of his lifeblood into the pot. I recall screaming something like "what do you think I've got, what the fairies do you think I camping have likes???" To which I seem to remember he earnestly enquired "Q-9?" The only subsequent surprise was that my Aces held up at roughly 80-20 ahead. I wouldn't quite say my luck is turning, but it says a lot that even when miles ahead and doing everything right against a 'rather risky' move by another player (thought long and hard about that terminology, discounting words such as 'amateurish', 'laughable' and 'insane'), it's merely surprised relief when things pan out how they should for once. By this point in the game I had already become somewhat irked by some of the Doctor's earlier play (details later). Despite my little victory I still found time to scold/question at length his decisions. And to think this man cooked me dinner only last Thursday...

I had to make clear after initial blustering that my frustration didn't stem from players playing like idiots, that's more than fine by me. What is of maximum frustration is when players prone to such massive and cataclysmic 'errors of judgement' don't just win the odd game, but win, or challenge for, 2 of the last three titles while someone (moi) who doesn't make schoolboy errors can never ever, even by total fluke, win a single game.

Killawatt v Dunderfunk

Former behemoth, Killawatt, maintained his indifferent recent form with a 7th place exit. Plenty of jostling for position had fluctuated his chipstack a few times. Holding a KJ with a KJ8 flop, he had little choice but to back his cards. Everyone folded bar the Skilful Donut who was similarly committed atop pocket 8's. Only one PP$ giant could survive and you already know which. Killawatt left the game in 7th. But only just. Sitting to the left of Killawatt was the ever alert Pussy Doctor. Having already folded, and with two players left (Killa & Donuts), The Doc announced he couldn't remember if he'd folded or not and picked up the cards in front of him. Killawatt's cards. Seeing a KJ with a KJ on the flop, his face suddenly burst into neon and flashed the message 'what was I thinking folding cards as good as this'. I'm guessing that he realised he'd folded some other cards at the same time he realised these weren't his and whoosh, they were chucked into the muck. In this short and uncharacteristic whirr of activity by Dr How Mooch, Killa realised what was going on but his interjection came as his cards were sent muckwards. It also allowed Da Blouse to get a read, from the neon messages, of Killawatt's cards. The Doctor now scrabbling about amidst his foolishness, under the glare of all the players, announced 'No Harm Done', but wasn't yet finished digging. He made a grab for all the mucked cards and extracted Killawatt's, handing them back to him triumphantly and repeating the comedy 'No Harm Done' routine that had wowed his audience just seconds before. Aside from nearly wrecking a crucial hand, he'd given priceless info to his victim's opponent and had a wee look at all the other folded cards to boot. No harm done? The Doctor was PP$ champion in 2010.

Recently Bottleneck has been playing at Breakneck speed, even folding out of turn in what seems to be an attempt to shed the slow coach moniker. However his pace at exiting games is an unwanted side effect of the foot to the floor policy. With the recently departed Sea Cock feeling about in his pockets for his car keys, Breakneck sensed the opportunity of a lift home evaporating and lunged all-in with an A-hi for company. The Prince of Gingia took him up with pocket 5's. Both players missed the board, so the 5's held up and Breakneck's lift home was secured.

The Rock - also confused

As mentioned, Cock o' the Sea had already finished 9th and last on the evening. After a couple of to-the-death tussles with him this year, he chose the last hand before the break to call a massive pot-raise by your unlucky narrator in a final hand of Omaha immediately before the break and we were at it again. I'm still unclear, but his best hand at the end was either A-hi or a pair of 5's which confused me no end. Even crazier than the all-in cards that the Doctor had fancied at his expiration. Mr Donuts also called and it took the Ginga Prince a good couple of minutes to manage to toss his cards away in what was quickly becoming a multi car pile-up. Your narrator checked the flop, Sea Cock spewed the rest of his chips behind whatever he had (must have had a draw or two) before the Skilful Donut accepted the raise. I hummed and hawed like someone who wanted to call, but didn't know what to do. Just as I decided to get involved, the Donut made a noise that changed my mind and I folded. The Skilful Donut showed a full house. The Cock o' the Sea tried not to even show his diddly squat, understandably, even if it is very bad manners and against the house rules!!!

Earlier, I'd managed to get the first of my two pocket aces of the evening, somewhat scant recompense for the previous game when it's all I came up against. These hands paled alongside two other Omaha hands accrued by The Doctor which detonated semi-drunken debates on pokering ethics.

In the first, he became entangled in a big raise and re-raise hand with Killawatt. A solitary pair on the board gave Dr Doctor four of a kind and the Nuts. Whilst avoiding putting them down (as if I even have to say that), his decision to only call a final raise rather than screw his unfortunate victim for every last possible chip set me off on one. For the good of the PP$ I decided to fester in silence, only for the exact same situation to happen again a short time later. Killawatt, in what I can only fathom to be some sort of misguided loyalty waded in at the Dr's defence claiming He too sometimes decides not to maximise a victory. Having just won a couple of hundred chips from my whinging self, I took this to mean that every time he takes your chips its personal, otherwise, why didn't he take pity/go easy etc. I think I was agog and aghast. I still am.

And with this weeks match now a tiny little bit off my chest, here is the result.

1. The Unarguably Skilful Donut Girl
2. The Bonfire
3. Bleedoutinatophalffinishawatt
4. The Only True Gentleman for Miles and Miles
5. GingaStinga
6. Dr Incredulous
7. Over the Hillawatt
8. BottleBreak
9. Ocean Tadger

Apologies: The Unarguably Skilful Donut Girl (for winning some of those hands), The Damage (only plays in dollars), Wee Rambo (trying to better himself with exams next week so he can move away from the Peni plebs, do you think you're too good for us, is that it, just say if it is likes, aye away and stick your exams up yer - The One True Gentleman of Poker has been temporarily suspended from this point due to increasingly worrying levels of paranoia and hostility, his condition will be closely monitored before an assessment of his suitability for release back into the community can be completed.