2014 Champion

Killawatt wins 2014 title with 4 wins. Petawatt in 2nd place with 3 wins. Gingaradge won the 2014 championship Game.

Result - Saturday 11th May

The Ginger Prince

Regular readers will be relieved to know that I have absolutely nothing to complain about this week. Down to the last three of an 8 player game, with just 2.5x my starting chips and supremely fortunate to be the first player hit for the big blind when it leapt from 1k/2k to 2k/4k I stupidly committed with a piddly wee AJ which was obviously far too pathetically weak to contest the QJ of Gingle Berries. The Q came on the flop of course, propelling Auburn Audrey up to chip leader. No complaints at all from me. Obviously.

Next hand the game was over when the Prince of Gingia's 10-6 smashed down Wee Rambo's Q-5 giving the former his second victory of the season and the outright lead in the 2013 (yet to be published) overall table. Two hands, two jammy draws, job done. Just one thing, er, when is it my turn fokkers?

1. Gingle Berries
2. Wee Rambo
3. The One True Gentleman of Poker
4. The Baptist
5. Petawatt
6. Sea Cock
7. Dunderblouse
8. Overthehillawatt

Apologies: The Gynaecologist (Wedding drinking), Bottleneck (Whereabouts unknown), The Bonfire (part-timer) The Damage (New world), Ricketts (rickets).

Earlier on, Wee Rambo had become the first recipient of bullets, ensuring they held up with a pre-flop bulldoze. Around this he was able to build up large piles of chips probably resulting in chip dominance for around the first half of the contest. This was eventually dented when Sea Cock cuckolded him into an unwanted call that doubled up the ever dangerous resident of Gilmerton. GingaStinga also benefitted from some bullets whilst shittest player in attendance, The One True Gentleman of Poker managed 'put down of the night' taking a while to muck his raised KJ which was then re-raised by Killawatt's KQ.

With all bodies making it to the munchy break (where munch of the year so far, some choco-raspo-fudge concoction was supplied by Mrs I.Am), certain chip stacks were diminishing whilst the likes of Wee Rambo and Dunderblouse (brushing off Fritzl/Castro aspersions) made the best of the early running.

Last place was occupied by fallen champion Killawatt, but, without any shame as he raised hard with his pocket 3's. Unable to shake off Wee Rambo behind AJ, the J on the flop put paid to the host.

With an eye on the clock, pacemaker Dunderfunk began to edge towards the trapdoor. Finding a 6-6 he pretty much demanded I called, which I had to with my AK. But an equally homeward bound Sea Cock was still to act and decided to have a punt with J-10. At exactly this moment, in poker heaven, the toast popped, the phone rang, the doorbell went and there was a noise in the back garden all at the same time, conveniently distracting the poker gods who've so had it in for me for so long. This allowed a K to arrive enhancing my already leading cairds, giving me a mega treble-up. Dunderfunk was on the tram back to Auld Reekie and Captain Birdseye was gasping for oxygen.

Sea Cock's demise soon rocked up in the form of AQ. Finding himself up against 4-2 (Wee Rambo) and A6 (Petawatt), a side pot was formed. The side pot was taken by Wee Rambo and Petawatt snaffled the main one. Sea Cock was oot which disappointed Gingastinga in particular as it meant both of his lifts home had expired.

Petawatt was dancing to his usual routine being bled down to loose change and even as far as 'a chip n a chair' territory. The crunch came as inevitably as it does forcing him in behind an 8-4 off suit. The Baptist scalped him, at the same time ensuring a first ever top half finish for himself.

But this was far enough for the Baptist. Having manfully accepted a run of beats whilst holding stuff like AQ, his exit came after his A3 was defeated by Wee Rambo's extremely ungentlemanly J2 with a flopped Jack. Then we were down to three players, incongruous blinds, regulation luck/form and back to the top of the report.

Player Profile$

In no particular order, here are profiles for all PP$ 2012 participants. The Professor who played in the 2011 Championship Game is also included as is former champ and honorary member, Mr Damage of America.

Player: Killawatt

AKA: The Killa, Silent Bob, The Great Sage, She, Hairy Oracle, PP$ Behemoth, Infallible One,

Style: Godly

Attributes: Clinical application of poker odds. Ability to ride a massive wave of skill inspired luck.

Negatives: High pitched loser, especially if the odds are deemed to have cheated him.

Honours: 5 time PP$ Champion

Poker Catchphrase: “Raise!!!”

Player: GingaRadge

AKA: Ginga Prince, Gingle Berries, Ginger Implosion, The Raj of Gingia, Ice Road Trucker, GingaTomatoSoupAddict, GingaPrincess, GingaAssasin, GingaAllInna, His Royal Radgeness,

Style: All out attack or total defence

Attributes: Bravery, willingness to get right behind pocket ducks upwards.

Negatives: No Plan B.

Honours: PP$ Poker Champion 2004

Poker Catchphrase: “Re-raise the pot”

Player: The One True Gentleman of Poker

AKA: JackSix, The Raiser, The Raizerio, The Gentleman, Raiselicious, The Greatest Player Never To Win The Title,

Style: Canny (i.e. canny play)

Attributes: Always comes back for more.

Negatives: No known flaws.

Honours: Casino 2^nd Place

Poker Catchphrase: “Thank goodness for all of us I never go on about my horrendous luck”.

Player: Petawatt

AKA: Fur Warrior, Juggerwatt, PP$ Pistorious,

Style: Steady

Attributes: Never knocked out easily.

Negatives: Prone to bleeding to death before heads up.

Honours: Online profiteer

Poker Catchphrase: “Whah, is it my turn, how much is it?”

Player: Wee Rambo

AKA: Warm Beer (not an anagram, but almost), Little Rambo, Young Rambo, Miniature Rambo, Willie Warm Beer, Mini Stallone,

Style: Unshirking

Attributes: Listens, learns, improves.

Negatives: Struggles to put down a good hand.

Honours: Online profiteer

Poker Catchphrase: “I’m working at 4am”.

Player: Bottleneck

AKA: Rare Books, Bobby Bawbag, The Wattanator,

Style: Atheist (non-believer)

Attributes: Has winability.

Negatives: Lack of endgame.

Honours: French wife.

Poker Catchphrase: “Guid cards, nae luck”

Player: Sea Cock

AKA: Captain Birdseye, C Koch, Ol’ Sea Penis, Cock o’ the Sea, Salty Ol’ Sea Dog,

Style: Unabomber

Attributes: Good when he can be bothered.

Negatives: Only good when he can be bothered.

Honours: PP$ Overall Table Qualification 2012

Poker Catchphrase: “That’s my lift turned up”.

Player: The Doctor

AKA: The Gynaecologist, Beast of Bowburn, Pussy Doctor, Dr Doctor, Dr Pussy, Dino the Vino, The Doctor of Doodling,

Style: Complete ignorance

Attributes: Able to go all the way with nothing, turn over nothing, then realise he has the nuts.

Negatives: Goes all the way with nothing when he knows its nothing.

Honours: 2010 PP$ Champion

Poker Catchphrase: “Ow mooch?”

Player: The Damage

AKA: Fiscal Cliff, President Damage,

Style: Curmudgeonly

Attributes: Hasn’t finished last for 18 months.

Negatives: Home address.

Honours: Two time PP$ Poker Champion (2005, 2006)

Poker Catchphrase: “There’s a WWII film on at half ten I want to watch”

Player: Da Blouse

AKA: The Man with No Nickname, The Man with No Blouse, Aces, Dunderfunk, DunderBlouse, Santanders Claus, The Former Blouse, Thunderfunk, Dundertrump, The Corstorphine Chianti, Andersfunk, Daddy Dunkbucket, Dunkin Donut, Paintbrush, Aces Picasso, Leonardo Dunderfunk, Constable Andrews, Duncbucket,

Style: Lucky

Attributes: Gets dealt millions of Aces although seemingly fewer these days than in the noughties.

Negatives: Not allowed out after 10pm.

Honours: Two time PP$ Poker Champion (2001, 2002)

Poker Catchphrase: “I’ve got the nuts again”.

Player: The Baptist

AKA: L.I.Am, Mr Am,

Style: More Skywalker than Solo

Attributes: No fear

Honours: PP$ top ten player 2012

Poker Catchphrase: “What would Obiwan do?”

Player: The Professor

AKA: Prof, Sicknote.

Style: Rudimentary

Attributes: Plays well under the influence

Negatives: Doesn’t play well while not under the influence

Honours: Details unavailable

Poker Catchphrase: “Fine, take my fiver again”. 

Result - Saturday 6th October

The Baptist's bro

1. Gingle Berries
2. Bottleneck
3. Wee Rambo
4. The Raizerio
5. Sea Cock
6= Killawatt
6= Petawatt
8. The Dr
9. The Baptist

This week, at Kev's Colosseum, as part of my continuing expiation of past poker sins I once more subjected myself to continued strafing by the Gods of Poker.

Article Aid

How the fudge was that for an opening line my poker playing cohorts????? Due to the late completion of this match report I have endeavoured to push out the proverbial boat and extol a game description from some higher realm.

My spell in poker purgatory appears to be nearing it's cessation as those aforementioned and very fickle deities allowed me to rise to the giddy heights of fourth (4th) place making my attendance almost (almost) worthwhile for once.

Ah if only The Raizerio hadn't been able to make it, surmised The Baptist, who got stabbed in the front in a fateful hand where your humble and increasingly gentlemanly narrator escaped serious injury in an early all-in manscrap to the poker death.

With successive regeneration from JackSix to The Raiser through The Raizerio I now appear to have settled in my new form as The One True Gentleman of Poker. Whilst L.I.Am suffered an early exit holding 66677 to my 77766, my hand was not the Nuts with a shining bullet lurking on the flop and his long considered call to my all-in re-raise sent a tremor of trepidity amongst my very being. But I did not shed a tear for his pickle for in a game of poker, emotion is left at the door along with your weapon.

Amongst this hand of mortal fate the condescension so often oozing from the pores of the Killawatt bubbled to the surface. A thorough slab of wisdom was awarded, gratis, to Scotland's only member of the Blackeyedpeas amid-hand whilst fully amidst The Gentleman's crosshairs. Whilst The One True Gentleman was asked for his permission prior to the dissemination of Killawatt's pansophy, your poor humble scribe was placed within an instant predicament. To agree to allow the advice was a humongous tell. To disagree would emit an equally humongous tell. Your author wonders about the magnitude of the explosion that would have taken place had these tables been turned around upon the former legendary champion herself. But no harm done from this perspective, The Baptist was out and The Gentleman had won his second hand in 4 years.

In a nine player game there are two paths to tread. Either undertake an early program of wealth accumulation by knocking people out and/or winning mukka-chukka hands or simply hang on for grim death. After Mr Am's early fatality each competitor adopted the latter strategy and so everybody seemed to bleed dry of their lifechips leaving a few vulnerable seats.

The Doctor was amidst these benighted peoples, usually at the behest of continual reminders from the other players not to risk anything rash. This inadvertently resulted in never winning anything worthwhile. His last hurrah was an all-in push with that most comical of hands, the old J-6. But the slayer of recent games past, Ol' Sea Penis himself matched the Doctor's chips and revealed A-6. The Doctor required urgent medical assistance, but was treated like a lame horse, Sea Cock's bullet finishing him off.

Seventh position remained vacant this day as the next victim was a double homicide by the Bottleneck. Both Watt's had AK, Sea Cock stayed interested astride A-10 while Bottleneck kept royal company with the King and his Queen. The only card to help anyone was another Q and the victor declared himself the Wattanator!!! While Killawatt's form has been relatively indifferent of late, this was the first time Petawatt had finished outside the top 3 since 1897.

Wee Rambo's Hope Diamond

The doublekill almost developed into an all out bloodbath the very next hand. Ginga Radge piled all-in with AK and found himself up against 66 held by the jungle running, helicopter flying, knife stabbing Wee Rambo. But a K appeared keeping the soon to be Ice Road Trucker lived to truck another day.

So 5th place was reserved for Sea Cock as his status decamped from 'Still in' to 'Oot' in a hand with shades of that which ended the participation of The Doctor. With little option other than hope for the best with a J7, Ginga Prince extinguished the fishy lifeblood of the sailing Sea Cock with a decisive K7 and then there were four.

And I was somehow still one of them. As was Bottleneck. But with Wee Rambo (lucky) and Ginga Radge (trucky) making up the four, we already knew we wouldn't be able to win.

Gingle Berries listening material

I utilised all the gumption I've shown recently by manufacturing a position where I was all in with J2. It was no match for the Q8 of Bottleneck and the weaklings of the foursome succeeded in making the ultimate goal of victory even easier for the two favourites when Queenboy hit another 8. Now that I am The One True Gentleman of Poker, I do not point out that I never hit in these positions while always suffering exactly the opposite when my opponent hits cards he usually doesn't even require.

A spectacular mash up ensued at the next crossroads when Wee Rambo pushed his remaining wealth behind 4-5 of diamantes. The Prince couldn't avoid the showdown with his QQ. By the cessation of the hand Penicuik's very own Sly Stallone impersonator had hit two Hope Diamonds before the appearance of a third Killer Queen.

Liquid Lunch

Online betting closed immediately as this pitted GingaTomatoSoupAddict against eighteen times married Bottleneck in a heads-up bitch slap that was only going to have one winner. The latter flew at the former with 77 (diamonds and clubs) but was beaten back down with 88 (diamonds and clubs) as the weight of poker history refused to allow Bottleneck a second win of the season. The end soon arrived as Bottleneck's Q6 flapped to a slow and painful death, like a Mackerel in a Mackerel fisherman's creel. The Radge already had enough with a K3 and strode onto the winners podium with the arrival of an aggrandising 3.

09/06/2012 - Result

This is a Sea Cock

Gadzooks, the match report slipped my mind hence the delay. As details can often be innaccurate when reporting the following day, there may be some factual looseness hereonin!!!

Eight players took part. Bottleneck, currently playing like a poker version of Rangers lost all his chips in a hurry. No records were taken of the details allowing me to suggest he was put out so early it was 'before records began'.

Fans favourite The Raiser was next to suffer forced rear entry. Late to the game due to Gentlemanly commitments elsewhere he was unable to get a foothold before being shabbily treated by Dunderfunk. It must be noted that this particular bad beat in a heroic array of consecutive bad beats particularly stings and shall not be forgotten as my general poker bitterness increases by the game. In an attempt to scare rubbish cards off with my A and a paltry stack, the Corstorphine Chianti called with a 6-5 off suit purely to give me some chips. I had to put a cork on the hatred welling up inside as he hit a 5 without reply.

The foul mouthed Doctor's £5 elapsed next against Prince Gingle Berries. K4 suited became "f*&@ all in a cloud of f%#* all" against QQ. His words. Then there were five.

To my deepest disappointment Dunderfunk was next for the ejector seat. A big loss v Killawatt was followed next hand v GingaRadge whose A9 held up against A4.

Killawatt's involvement ceased when GingaRadge swarmed all over a K-10 with an AK. The former had all sorts of outs, but couldn't hit and left the game. This freed him up to provide his elite ongoing critique of the sub-standard play of those still in for the rest of the evening.

As usual, no mention of Petawatt until this point as he keeps his head down, stays out of trouble and then bleeds dry in 2nd or 3rd place. The Doctor's notes are not very clear on the details however the words "rampant f*%?fest" appear next to KK & JJ.

There also appears to be a hand involving Petawatt (66), Killawatt (K7) & GingaRadge (A6) to which the 'rampant ~fest' quote may apply. Could secretaries please take more care when noting game details in future?!?

An even better Sea Cock

Cash on the table time as Gingle Berries in a familiar position found himself against Sea Cock, a boat out of water in a heads up scenario if you don't mind mashed analogies too much. The smart money was on Ginga Prince, but Sea Cock was in a buddha like poker trance and coldly hunted down his more decorated opponent. The only notes I have are:

"Sea Cock 4-6's resplendant"
"GingaRadge - oof"

Good luck deciphering that. Sea Cock took the prize!!!

Next game is on Saturday 23rd June at the Rare Books Arena. Remember, this is a non-kitchen roll environment, so bring your own Thirst Pockets. Especially you Pete!!!

Saturday May 19th - Result & Latest Table

Radge

1. Gingle Berries
2. Wee Rambo
3. The Raiser
4. Petawatt
5. Bottleneck

Apologies: The Gynaecologist (Londinium), Killawatt (Deaths Door), Dunderfunk (Washing his hair again), The Professor (Retired), The Damage (Babysitting).

Taking advantage of a weakened field at the Rare Books Arena on Saturday, The Ginga Prince bagged his second win of the season to explode to the top of the 2012 table with some "unstoppable fackin cairds". His words. Backed up by a flotilla of pairs with some bullets thrown in, when the blinds began to bite, Messrs Rambo & Raiser couldn't find an answer!!!

The last hand exemplified what had gone before. Heads up the Ginga Prince (3-3) and Wee Rambo (Q-J) found themselves in a classic Texas Hold'em showdown. The flop helped neither before a killer Jack appeared on the turn. Then the river produced an even more killer 3. Quite a sight watching their 'Happiness Graphs' shoot past each other in opposite directions.

Earlier, much earlier, Bottleneck was first to exit with unseemly haste. A pre-flop raise by in-form Mr Raiser holding A-10 couldn't shake him off. The Raiser hit both cards on the flop and raised again, but was in turn re-raised all-in by the host. All the Raiser could do was call and hope to hold up, which he did when Bottleneck turned over Q-10 which appeared to be gasping for air. You'd struggle to get a Chilean miner out of a hole like that!!! Back to the drawing board for Bottleneck or the recent win might attract 'fluke' status.

After the break Petawatt bowed out around the beginning of GingaStinga's assault. KQ might be good enough most of the time, but AA in the hands of the GingaAssasin ended Petawatt's participation.

The Raiser has spent a little too much time recently whinging about bad beats and naturally, this continued well into the evening. Having more than covered Wee Rambo in the previous game four times and without prevailing, he came to the conclusion that the only way to tackle the Luckius Gittus was to go all-in miles behind. The opportunity arose with a 3-4 off-suit pre-flop and all Rambo's chips on the table but the walk didn't match his talk and he folded. The rabbit was chased and a 6-high straight for The Raiser would have sent Wee Rambo crashing. What a game eh???

After being ahead at the break, the blinds were squeezing as they do and The Raiser eventually chucked a couple of grand at four clubs on the flop. The GingaAssasin was at it again though, pairing his K on the flop and avoiding clubs henceforth to make it 'Cash-on-the-table' time.

Quite a good game I thought, Bobby Bawbag might disagree. Your scribe played quite well with sweet cards for the first half. Then there was a bit of a 3-way tussle near the end before the Ginger Spring swept all before it. Some unusual composure from Young Rambo was in evidence with less of an issue regarding the Break than normal. In the end, the cards were the winner.

No date or venue for the next game yet. I'm keen and I'm sure those with Manflu or other barely credible excuses will also be keen to re-engage, so come on Wattleneck Fixtures Committee, get emailing.

Finally, below is the up to date table for 2012.

                       P    W   2nd     L   Pts    Ave
GingaStinga     6     2      1     2    60    10.00
The Doctor      4     1      1     0    53    13.25
Killawatt           5     1      0     0    61    12.20
Wee Rambo    6     1      1     0    51     8.50
Bottleneck        5     1      0     2    40     8.00
Petawatt          6     0      1     0    65    10.83
The Raiser       6     0      2     1    58     9.67

4 games must have been played to qualify.

Saturday 28th January 2012

Winners all look the same to me

Result:
1. GingaStinga
2. The Doctor (seriously)
3. Petawatt
4. Killawatt
5. The Raiser
6. Sea Cock
7. Wee Rambo
8. Bottleneck

As Roger Daltrey still repeats to this day, 'Meet the new boss, same as the old boss'.

His Royal Radgeness obliterated allcomers at the Rare Books Arena on Saturday leading your humble scribe to suspect that we may be at a PP$ juncture, a handing over of power, a changing of the guard, which ultimately is a return to the same old same old...

PP$ at a Crossroad?

Having seemingly realised that going all-in, always, with anything just isn't a successful tactic, the GingaStinga has tweaked his game in recent weeks. The aggression is still there for sure as are the big chip moves, but there has been a subtle tweaking to an as yet unidentified part of his game that this observer believes may be the end of the KillaWatt golden era.

While KillaWatt utilised his unbelievable luck as always, making lucky mis-reads and suchlike and mid-game was positioned nicely for his customary theft of the money, he fizzled out in 4th looking a shadow of his 2011 poker self. Unlikely as it may seem, it was left to a resurgent Doctor to push the StingingGing over the finishing line.

It's only taken about 3 years for the penny to drop, but I'd like to take some credit in the downfall of the Director of Jay & Silent Bob after last week's Internet-hate campaign where I beseeched people not to give their feckin chips to Kev!!!! In the beginning, this was happening but on a much smaller basis than previously and no doubt 7 players had my high pitched whinging in their mind when they were in a hand with the previously Infallible One.

Earlier, Bottleneck yelped in pain when his Q-J high, heart flush was beasted by the Ginga ones massively superior A-K high heart flush. Being dealt the first two pocket A's of the new season couldn't save the host and he was forced to sit in pain for the rest of the evening as his vanquisher went on to pocket the pennies.

Wee Rambo continues with his cunning strategy of making us think he's shit. This time he went out holding A-8 (58.96%) against your narrator's K-9 (40.7%), a bit unlucky for sure. Probably a case of trying not to be in that position in the first place which is easier said than done. Or, better to be lucky than good!!!

Sea Cock had a ship to catch as usual. Killawatt was the first to hear the foghorn and tried to get the former Buoy's chips. Unfortunately I cannot recall exactly how he was sunk.

The greatest player never to have won the title went out in 5th when Ginga's low pair tripped me. But not before some mad hands. With an 8-8-3 flop, Dean made me put down 10-10 with some big raising and then assuring me he'd have gone all the way with his very own 10-10. Too loose for me. Earlier, despite not having bought a pot for months and doing everything possible to show I'm never at it any more, my re-raising of Kev's raise was met with him re-raising again, all pre-flop. It made me put down 10-10. He declared he thought I was at it (he held a more than respectable, BUT BEHIND, A-Q/J) and we chased the rabbit. Naturally the first card out was a 10. Hmmm. Revenge was magnificent though. For the first time this century I played with a J-6, my allegedly lucky hand and was able to bet Killa off of his very own fave hand, a K-9 which had hit and would have held up. Thigh slapping jocularity all round.

Once the reigning champ was deposited on the scrapheap of history in 4th place, his online-tournament-ingrained sibling maintained his place high/fizzle out pattern bleeding dry one hand after a final double up from a low stack. To win, you have to be willing to risk losing young man. But don't listen to me, what do I know about winning titles.

With two players left it was always going to be the Radge's prize. The Doctor, with tears rolling down his cheeks and the crowds singing his name was simply delighted just to be back in a heads-up situation. His Anus Horribilus (sic) was tough for us all. However, the achilles heel was still evident. For some reason, anytime the good Doctor wins a hand, he feels he has to lose all his chips before the next two hands have elapsed. Fortunately for him, he'd survived this induced psychosis earlier in the evening and made it to the final two.

No date for the next outing yet. What is clear though is that one or two players are already chasing their half-plus-one.

Apologies: The Professor (unable to leave almost-Kelso three times in the same day), Da Blouse (in the burns unit at ERI due to flash fire at Blouse Burning Ceremony), The Damage (unwilling to put in the hours of travel).