Result - Saturday 21st April

The One True God (no image available)

Italics denote last hand held
1. The Doctor
7-3 off suit
2. Juggerwatt
6-4 off suit
3. Killawatt
6-3 suited
4. Wee Rambo
Four card flush aka SFA
5. Bottleneck
QJ (v KQ)
6. The Raiser
8-5 off suit
7. Ginga Prince
Trips (at Omaha)

Apologies: The Professor (retired, in the boxing sense), Sea Cock (retired, in the boxing sense), The Damage (left the European Poker Tour & joined the US Poker Tour), Homie formerly known as Aces/DaBlouse/Thunderbucket/Donut, (unavailable for comment).

Poker is a bastard. It really is. What is the point of persevering in the face of such harsh fortune when no amount of skill or perseverance is rewarded and the winner is decided purely on some fickle twist of fate (rhetorical question so I don't think a question mark is required).

There was a midweek game the previous Wednesday. It had been dominated by Wee Rambo who was rewarded both for good calls and bad calls. Didn't really seem to matter as he steamed into the last two with an unsightly chip lead. And at that exact point his golden touch deserted him. Did he massively alter his tactics? Did he forget how to play? Did he which!!! For some reason, the only God that exists - The Poker God - decided that enough was enough and with the inevitability of grim death itself, both the hard & easily won gains of the Miniature Rambo began a steady march across the table to the welcoming embrace of young Petawatt who, after games and games of competent and tight play with no reward finally pocketed the pennies.

The seat where you cannot avoid flushes

With bathroom renovations underway at Kev's Colosseum it was onto Saturday, a new day, so a new game. Not a bit of it. Petawatt discovered that his stock was still high in Poker Heaven. His only problem was avoiding the good cards which pestered him all night. Unable to get dealt something pish, he was forced to partake in most hands and then win them. Occasionally he'd win from being ahead. Other times he'd win from being in the lead. And some more times he'd win from the best starting position. Any time he'd have suffered a bad beat, the opponent had already folded. He had a specific problem trying to avoid 500's as they just kept tumbling towards him. Some of his 500's were even witnessed giving birth to some 100's in his chipstack. Nobody was safe, not even Behemothwatt who couldn't quench the flow.

Another WC refurb suggestion

The Juggerwatt was responsible for the demise of the Ginga Prince before then slaying Wee Rambo for the second game running. Heads up with The Gynaecologist he simply couldn't fail. But then, the Golden Aeroplane in which he was flying lost cabin pressure and spiralled towards the Pentland Mountains and a horrible horrible end. Mr God of Poker had switched his allegiance at a speed that would make Rupert Murdoch proud. The Doctor of dot-to-dot, probably the most hot and cold homeboy in PP$ history caught fire (eh, I think he was on another plane that had fire extinguishers on it and didn't crash and the metaphor, if it was one, has got too messy and I'm going to try to finish the report a little less confusingly).

So The Doctor sparked into life and took all the chips. And won hitting a flush with a 7-3 off suit (this sentence was especially satisfying as an English teacher once told me I couldn't begin a sentence using the word 'and'. Pick it out Ashworth and check out the first sentence in the bible too, only the biggest selling book of all time ya twit).

Where was I? Looking at the 'last hands held' details at the top of the page it looks like only Messrs P & B went out with proper cards. The other five players held 8-5 offsuit, 8-9 suited, 6-3 suited, 6-4 offsuit & 7-3 offsuit. Nothing to make Liv Boree quake in her kitten heels just yet.

This was Doctor dot-to-dot's first win since his Anus Yabeautius in 2010. Five games into this new season we have five players on one win. Tasty. Returning to the first exclamation of this report, maybe poker isn't such a fatherer of illegitimate children after all. The Doctor would certainly beg to differ this morning.