Saturday 19th January - Report

Nine players contested the first game of the new season. In no time we were straight up to the high standards of skill and etiquette that we demand. One of the usual suspects was right at the heart of the carnage of course.

The action was on Killawatt pre-flop, he picks up a 3-4 suited and raises. So far so what, how hard can it be to pick up your own cards??? Next to act is Petawatt, who picks up the wrong cards, those of Killawatt, see's a 3-4 suited and promptly folds them, where they're rescued by Killawatt. A protracted period of indecision followed as we limped into the hand until Da Blouse exclaimed that Killawatt must have rubbish as Petwatt had quickly folded them. Killawatt immediately demands a meeting in the scullery with the errant card picker. It was at this point I stumbled back into the mess after a visit to the little boys room.

Killa & Peta emerged from the kitchen with the former declaring 'I demand a re-deal and he agrees', to much mirth. Henceforth, anyone aggrieved with their hand can now drag Petawatt to the kitchen and demand a re-deal!!!

Curfew issues for Da Blouse

Da Blouse was involved in some early hands as doubt arose over his Curlew to the point where he took a massive hit trying to knock out Killawatt in a bit of an all or nothing, lost the hand and was left bobbing gently under the surface with only a couple of hundred or so chips. As word arrived that his bird trouble hadn't materialised after all, he immediately fell victim to the sort of kill he used to specialise in. Being dealt a 9-9 left him little option, he shoved and found Killawatt sitting astride an A-J. All was good until the A appeared on the river and Dunderfunk began 2013 in much the same fashion as he finished 2012.

The Baptist was next out in 8th place. Having taken a couple of right kickings from your humble scribe in his previous handful of appearances, fate was once again lining up the end of his nose for a poker pummelling. My wee look revealed the bullets for the first time in the decade and being The One True Gentleman of Poker I could never slow play so raised the pot pre-flop. Of course my years of honesty aren't worth the pixels they're typed upon. The Baptist duly called with gash (Q with a 7 or 8 if I mind right) and began hitting cards left right and centre making his full house by the turn. Unaware as to his fortune so far, I was happy to call his raises all the way to the river which was an A, making me a AAA full house against The Baptist's QQQ full house. Once more, being TOTGOP, I pot raised but as usual and despite as always proclaiming my honesty from the nearest rooftop and despite me being continually responsible for ejecting him with tastier full houses than his, he could not be shaken off and insisted on doubling me up, making me chip leader and therefore interim Championship Leader. It was obviously a precarious hand for both of us, but The Baptist might be wondering what he needs to do just to get past someone as keek as the holder of the Wooden Spoon. I was just surprised my good cards had held up for once. But not for too long.

The Baptist was all in soon after with a paucity of chips and found myself and Young Rambo jostling for his scraps with the latter taking them and sending The Baptist back to the Jordan River pre-break.

I'm sure Sea Cock will be looking to get another win under his belt as early as possible this season to kickstart his assault on a maiden title but it wasn't to be this week. Killawatt claimed his second scalp of the evening after Ol' Sea Cock trickled down to next to nothing and shoved with a very mediocre J-10. Killa's A-Q held out until another A arrived on the river.

Sixth position was reserved for our reigning champ The GingaStinga. He fell victim to the developing theme of the evening when he kamikazed in with 7-7 and met the ever willing Killawatt, this time atop A-J. Yet again an A appeared and the GingaAllinah was mincemeat.

Petawart now slipped out in his customary mid placed finish. Constantly berated for not taking more chances by Killa, this time Peta gambled with a 5-6 suited, Killa called with Q-7 as you do and they both avoided everything the board had to offer. Another scalp for Killawatt in a seemingly unstoppable march to a first win of the season. But unable to leave it at that, Killa then recommenced his verbal trouncing asking in the high pitched voice of a 6 year old girl 'why did you decide to shove with that, there, then etc' I either zoned out or missed the end of it as it went of the end of the scale my lugs can pick up.

With four players still in the blinds were now at 500/1000 and there was very little room for manoeuvre  This means you're relying on luck a bit more and therefore I was a dead man walking. But before my ultimate kick in the stanes, first of all there was plenty more target practice for my opponents winkle pickers. Finding a 5-5, I pot raised only to be pot re-raised by (not lucky at all, skill only my good man) Killawatt. Despite absolutely gagging to take the cunning stunt down I managed to fold and found I'd have been up against J-J. If only there was some sort of enjoyment to be had from a good fold.

With everyone experiencing 'all-in moments' it was The Bonfire's turn next. Lunking the remainder of his chips behind an A-J, Killawatt once more rolled the dice, this time with a KQ, but A high was still the best hand after the river. Double up for the Bonf.

Wee Rambo also had a double up at the Killa's expense beating a 10-10-3-3 with a 10-10-4-4.

Losing hand

My turn thinks muggins here and took a step off the top board clutching A-K v The Bonfire. He turned over K-10, cards that any normal person would be more than content with. But I've been here too often and literally refused to watch, even after the call came from the table 'It's alright, you've hit your Ace', before their realisation that the A had also helped turn his K-10 into a straight. I'm still too sick to go on about it.

Wee Rambo went out in third after bleeding down to an all-in level. His Q-4 had a sluggers chance against Killawatt's 9-9, but nothing came out to help either player and we were finally at cash on the table time.

Winning hand

Not commenting at all on the cards held and their odds of winning, the final hand came as both players raised and re-raised as many chips as they could to get it on. The Bonfire had A-K and had to dodge Killa's J-8. Amazingly the A-K held up and The Bonfire emerged from the smoking ruins a little bit better off than when he arrived.

I don't want to talk about it any more.

I hope I didn't confuse you too much with talk of Curlew and curfew's.

See you next time (when as yet to be decided) where I will yet again not suffer or go on about a horrendous beat.

Saturday 19th January - Result

Crazy world of...The Bonfire!?!?

1. The Bonfire
2. Killawatt
3. Wee Rambo
4. The One True Gentleman
5. Petawatt
6. The Rusty Ponytail
7. Sea Cock
8. The Baptist
9. Dunderfunk

Apologies: Bottleneck (Gone til at least June), The Doctor (Galavantin'), The Damage (Stockpilin for when it all kicks off).

Report shall follow.

2012 Championship Game Report - Saturday 5th January

What else needs said?

GingaRadge is the 2012 PP$ Champion after he held off the challenge of The Doctor & Killawatt at the C&FW Services Colosseum on Saturday 5th January. He made sure of the title by not just outlasting both challengers, but scooping the whole shebang sealing a win in the game on the night itself. Two trophies for the price of one!!! Mrs Radge will be delighted!!!

The match was in disarray as kick off approached. The Baptist pulled out as someone somewhere was paying him money to do something, thus cutting the traditional 10 player game down to 9. Wee Rambo was in doubt due to a bout of lurgy and then Dunderfunk called off due to a flush of the plague that intermittently seeps out of Gorgie into other parts of Edinburgh. Seven players in the Tenner Game???

In haste I made a call and raised The Bonfire from his domestic duties and into the white heat of the PP$ decider taking us back up to 8. Then after shaping my special poker whiskers I made a call to the host to say I was on my way to be told that both Dunderfunk and Wee Rambo were present and champing at the bit to get underway. Whoopee, we were back up to the magical 10.

A round of Bucks Fizz Bombs for the fatties with Lychee & Champers or Lychee & Energy (as yet unnamed Bombs) for those on a diet, excitement levels were raised to fever pitch as Petawatt drew the Jack, kicked off the dealing duties and we were underway.

PP$ - Now even more Gingery

There was some early chip nicking by Dunderfunk & the GingaPrince whilst the stacks of title hopefuls Killawatt & The Doctor began to shorten. I joined the latter as once again my gentemanly card playing got rottweilered by the God's of Poker who still won't tell me what I've done to upset them so much. Holding 88 and with a flop of 3-2-3 I was faced with a decent raise by Petawatt. Re-raising about 2.5x and 30% or so of my chips intending to attempt to scare off anything less than 2's, 3's or A's, he thought for a while and re-raised the pot again which obviously meant I quickly folded my middling pair. He showed AA. First time they're dealt all night, I get 8's in the same hand and it's none other than the man I'm up against for the wooden spoon who gets them. I huffily scolded his congratulators. Although he played them well under The Gentleman's onslaught and they weren't the nuts, they were the best cards and they did hold up (when an unrequested rabbit chase was quickly delivered).

In the main there was enough cageyness to keep everyone in. Those with shrinking stacks shutting up shop to keep what they had left with the bigger piles happy to sit and wait. This continued to and beyond the break, but eventually the carnage had to begin. The flames of the ensuing carnage were stoked somewhat with the addition of the new favourite tipple of the Bomb Bros, the Crazy Mofo Bomb containing Absinthe & Champagne. Ya dancer.

The first faller was one time 2012 contender, the Sea Cock. Having little option but to back an AQ suited he locked horns with the GingaRadge who'd tripped 9's on the flop. The turn gave Sea Cock a flush draw, but he missed and was left with more time than the rest of us to plot his assault on the 2013 Championship.

The end of Killawatts season

The Doctor was next to take the all-in challenge. His KK was called by GingaRadge who, with 22, had a brave but futile stab at knocking out a title rival there and then. Instead it was a double up and The Dr was back in the match and the title.

Instead it was the other contender, Killawatt who exited in 9th place, relinquishing his dreams of a 6th PP$ crown. Ahead with 99 when the cards were turned over pre-flop, The Bonfire had called him, but two 10's on the flop to go with the A-10 in The Bonfire's hand had Killawatt on Bomb making duties for the rest of the evening. It was quite a supine departure from a player whose high pitched emittances are usually so clear after anything approaching an unlucky beat they can be easily heard by traffic on the bypass. But the poker fire that used to burn so deeply within his paunch seems to have taken a dousing after his recent domination of the PP$. Maybe a tad harsh on someone with three wins, but nowhere anywhere does it say I have to be scrupulously fair.

8th place and the wooden spoon for 2012 was reserved for your humble narrator. Unusually I wasn't beaten from behind, instead I avoided any glimmer of good fortune by pushing my J-10 against the KQ of GingaRadge. He hit a Q straight away and I was left to aid Killawatt on the Bombs.

Wee Rambo left in 7th. Since arriving in the PP$ he's made great progress. Aware of odd's, not lacking in bravery he's been in contention more than his fair share of times. There's a but coming though isn't there??? But. His exit on Saturday is one of those bitch slaps money just canny buy. Delighted to see his AK against Petawatt's A3, once Petawatt had made his low straight Wee Rambo was left trying to work out how the heck that had come about. Only experience can make your logical, theoretical reasonings seem like a load of baloney. Once he's had a real life shafting with all the guid hands we'll see what sort of player comes out the other end. Unfortunately we all have to go through it.

Somewhat surprisingly, having had few chips or winning hands all night, Bottleneck was still in contention. Immediately after the exit of Wee Rambo, he found himself all-in v The Doctor and managed to double up. So it was The Bonfire who fell out of the game in 6th. With the flop and the river out his 66 was still ahead of GingaRadge's A8. The river was an 8 and the Radge marched on.

But Bottlenecks's time came next. Low on chips he decided a K2 was his best shot and came up against A8. By the time his K came on the river, it'd been made redundant by the A on the flop and Bottleneck's 2012 season was over.

Futile attempts to escape a nickname

Originally his 'Bottleneck' moniker was supremely apt, however for a few years now it has been completely unrelated to his play. Other extreme examples of delayism are much more regularly on display. It would be rude to name names of course so Petawatt, The Doctor and Sea Cock shall remain nameless. And yet. And yet. Season after season I bang my head off the table in frustration as these unnamed delayers appear to undergo mid-match lobotomies. Unable to know when it's their turn to deal, to play, or how much it is to play when you get them that far, for one game, I imbibe a Bomb or two more than is conducive to knowing it's my turn and in the face of all logic the table, including some of those I've refused to name had the cheek, nay temerity (or as Cartman might say, temeritaah), to insist on the shifting of the name Bottleneck onto your humble scribe. I am famously difficult to wind up and have let this scurrilous group idiocy wash over me without notice. Disgrace.

Where were we? Aha, onto 4th place. While the whole shire knows Bottleneck lacks an endgame, the same is increasingly apparent with Petawatt. The main difference is Petawatt will often make it to the last two or three in a 7-8 player game and it was in 4th position he alighted here. After The Doctor had doubled up with a J-10 that saw JJxxx10 come out on the board, Dunderfunk had a major double up that floored Petawart (that's a pure typo I've decided to keep). His Q9 poo'd on Petawatt's A-10 making the latter decide to push blind next hand with as it turned out an 8-2 off suit that was beaten to a pulp by an A-10 pre-flop and AAA post flop. 9th place finisher Killawatt then bent the ear about playing for position when 4 players are left and there's a prize for 3rd etc refinding the compassionate style of his which we all know, love and frequently belittle and/or are subjected to.

So we were down to three and the Championship was still undecided. GingaRadge was in the lead in every way (chips, on the night, championship etc) whilst the Doctor was bringing up the rear (fnarr as they say where he comes from). In amongst it was the man from Corstorphine who I was geeing up as a smasher of championship dreams for someone.

Then came call of the night doubling up as call of the whole goddang season. As I whirred the words 'no pressure' around the room first to act GingaRadge was raised big by the Doctor holding a K6 suited. After a good deal of thought Gingle Berries decided to have a look and was delighted to see what his K-10 suited was up against. A great raise, a great call and the Championship leaders luck held as he hit a full house. The Doctor was out in third with 20 jungle tokens in his back pocket to soften the blow and the GingaStinga was the new champion.

The news trickles through to Gingaland

The match itself was decided soon after in the most typical of circumstances. The new Champ went all the way with 22 (sooo not like him readers) against Dunderfunk's K-10 suited and when nothing was revealed to help either of them meaning the ducks held up, the 2012 champion could finally relax and enjoy the not unsubstantial trappings of his new title - Championship Trophy, Championship Match Trophy and 100 shekels. The Corstorphinite left with 30 jungle tokens that should be put straight towards vaccine's for his offspring from the terrible Gorgie Plague.

New game soon, keep an eye on your emails and I'll see you there.

Result

1. GingaRadge
2. Dunderfunk
3. The Doctor
4. Petawatt
5. Bottleneck
6. The Bonfire
7. Wee Rambo
8. The One True Gentleman of Poker
9. Killawatt
10. Sea Cock

Apologies: The Damage (no direct Connecticut to Penicuik bus service). The Baptist (arbeit macht frei). Dunderfunk (apologies withdrawn due to actual attendance).

2012 - Final Table

Qualification = 9 games
                                                    P      W     2nd     L     Pts     Ave
Ginger Radge                              15      5        3       3     172     11.467
The Doctor                                  14      3        4        1     177     12.643
Killawatt                                      15      3        0        0      164     10.933
Sea Cock                                      9      2        0        1       83      9.222
Wee Rambo                                13     1        2        0      140     10.769
Bottleneck                                   14     1        1        6        81      5.786
Petawatt                                      16     0        2        0      166     10.375
The One True Gentleman            15     0       2       2       121     8.067


Dunderfunk                                  8      1       2       2         73       9.125
The Bonfire                                  1      0       0       0          9        9.000
The Baptist                                  3      0        0       2         8         2.667


Match report to follow...

Player Profile$

In no particular order, here are profiles for all PP$ 2012 participants. The Professor who played in the 2011 Championship Game is also included as is former champ and honorary member, Mr Damage of America.

Player: Killawatt

AKA: The Killa, Silent Bob, The Great Sage, She, Hairy Oracle, PP$ Behemoth, Infallible One,

Style: Godly

Attributes: Clinical application of poker odds. Ability to ride a massive wave of skill inspired luck.

Negatives: High pitched loser, especially if the odds are deemed to have cheated him.

Honours: 5 time PP$ Champion

Poker Catchphrase: “Raise!!!”

Player: GingaRadge

AKA: Ginga Prince, Gingle Berries, Ginger Implosion, The Raj of Gingia, Ice Road Trucker, GingaTomatoSoupAddict, GingaPrincess, GingaAssasin, GingaAllInna, His Royal Radgeness,

Style: All out attack or total defence

Attributes: Bravery, willingness to get right behind pocket ducks upwards.

Negatives: No Plan B.

Honours: PP$ Poker Champion 2004

Poker Catchphrase: “Re-raise the pot”

Player: The One True Gentleman of Poker

AKA: JackSix, The Raiser, The Raizerio, The Gentleman, Raiselicious, The Greatest Player Never To Win The Title,

Style: Canny (i.e. canny play)

Attributes: Always comes back for more.

Negatives: No known flaws.

Honours: Casino 2^nd Place

Poker Catchphrase: “Thank goodness for all of us I never go on about my horrendous luck”.

Player: Petawatt

AKA: Fur Warrior, Juggerwatt, PP$ Pistorious,

Style: Steady

Attributes: Never knocked out easily.

Negatives: Prone to bleeding to death before heads up.

Honours: Online profiteer

Poker Catchphrase: “Whah, is it my turn, how much is it?”

Player: Wee Rambo

AKA: Warm Beer (not an anagram, but almost), Little Rambo, Young Rambo, Miniature Rambo, Willie Warm Beer, Mini Stallone,

Style: Unshirking

Attributes: Listens, learns, improves.

Negatives: Struggles to put down a good hand.

Honours: Online profiteer

Poker Catchphrase: “I’m working at 4am”.

Player: Bottleneck

AKA: Rare Books, Bobby Bawbag, The Wattanator,

Style: Atheist (non-believer)

Attributes: Has winability.

Negatives: Lack of endgame.

Honours: French wife.

Poker Catchphrase: “Guid cards, nae luck”

Player: Sea Cock

AKA: Captain Birdseye, C Koch, Ol’ Sea Penis, Cock o’ the Sea, Salty Ol’ Sea Dog,

Style: Unabomber

Attributes: Good when he can be bothered.

Negatives: Only good when he can be bothered.

Honours: PP$ Overall Table Qualification 2012

Poker Catchphrase: “That’s my lift turned up”.

Player: The Doctor

AKA: The Gynaecologist, Beast of Bowburn, Pussy Doctor, Dr Doctor, Dr Pussy, Dino the Vino, The Doctor of Doodling,

Style: Complete ignorance

Attributes: Able to go all the way with nothing, turn over nothing, then realise he has the nuts.

Negatives: Goes all the way with nothing when he knows its nothing.

Honours: 2010 PP$ Champion

Poker Catchphrase: “Ow mooch?”

Player: The Damage

AKA: Fiscal Cliff, President Damage,

Style: Curmudgeonly

Attributes: Hasn’t finished last for 18 months.

Negatives: Home address.

Honours: Two time PP$ Poker Champion (2005, 2006)

Poker Catchphrase: “There’s a WWII film on at half ten I want to watch”

Player: Da Blouse

AKA: The Man with No Nickname, The Man with No Blouse, Aces, Dunderfunk, DunderBlouse, Santanders Claus, The Former Blouse, Thunderfunk, Dundertrump, The Corstorphine Chianti, Andersfunk, Daddy Dunkbucket, Dunkin Donut, Paintbrush, Aces Picasso, Leonardo Dunderfunk, Constable Andrews, Duncbucket,

Style: Lucky

Attributes: Gets dealt millions of Aces although seemingly fewer these days than in the noughties.

Negatives: Not allowed out after 10pm.

Honours: Two time PP$ Poker Champion (2001, 2002)

Poker Catchphrase: “I’ve got the nuts again”.

Player: The Baptist

AKA: L.I.Am, Mr Am,

Style: More Skywalker than Solo

Attributes: No fear

Honours: PP$ top ten player 2012

Poker Catchphrase: “What would Obiwan do?”

Player: The Professor

AKA: Prof, Sicknote.

Style: Rudimentary

Attributes: Plays well under the influence

Negatives: Doesn’t play well while not under the influence

Honours: Details unavailable

Poker Catchphrase: “Fine, take my fiver again”. 

2012 Championship Game - Pre Match Hype

More final table heartache for the GingaStinga???

OMG - It's only the 2012 Championship decider!!!

As is customary, the last game of the season is the first game of the subsequent calendar year. 2012 is yet to be decided.

Saturday 5th January
at
C&FW Services Colosseum.

Once again our sponsor is generously providing prizes. As in previous years, these will go to the 2nd & 3rd placed positions in the Showcase Game with first place snaffling the cash as is Written in the Great PP$ Book of Unwritten Rules!!! I'm sad to report that yet again we've been shunned by every single television broadcaster so the world will miss out on our particular brand of tasty caird action.

The current table is coming up, then some comment on what's at stake for the movers and shakers. I've also especially added the total points range/swing each player can achieve giving an idea how far up/down the placings each player can rise/fall.

Max - Assumes a win added to present totals
Min - Assumes a last place added to present totals

                                               P     W     2nd     L     Pts     Ave          (Max/Min)
Gingle Berries                        14     4       3       3     152     10.857     (11.467/10.133)
The Gynaecologist                 13     3       4       1     162     12.462     (13.000/11.571)
Killawatt                                 14     3       0       0     162     11.571     (12.133/10.800)
Sea Cock                                 8     2       0       0      83     10.375     (11.444/9.222)
Wee Rambo                           12     1       2       0     133     11.083     (11.769/10.230)
Bottleneck                              13     1       1       6       70      5.385     (6.429/5.000)
Petawatt                                 15     0       2       0     153     10.200     (10.813/9.563)
The One True Gentleman       14     0       2       2     116     8.286     (9.067/7.733)

The Former Blouse                   7     1       1       2      56     8.000     (9.500/7.000)
The Baptist                                3     0       0       2       8      2.667     (7.000/2.000)

Or will the GingaRadge be laughing all the way to the engravers?

16 games have been played this season making the golden HalfPlusOne mark 9, therefore Dunderfunk is just squeezed out of qualification for the overall final table.

Petawatt will have played the most games in 2012.

Bottleneck has had a disaster, but the one win means he cannot finish last. The Gentleman must win to avoid the wooden spoon, it's between him and Petawatt and he can't catch the latter on points swing alone.

If The Gentleman does win, GingaRadge would win the trophy, which would obviously also be the case if GingaRadge wins on the night.

There are two other players in contention, serial champion Killawatt or one time winner The Doctor. If either of them win on the night, they'll walk away with our spangly monument to poker greatness. Not literally of course because they'll both be kipping in the venue that night. Gingle Berries requires a win by anyone EXCEPT that gruesome twosome on January 5th to lift The Trophy.

Should Dr Gynaecologist win the match and therefore the championship, it will be a phenomenal three year run. Champion in 2010, wooden spoon in 2011, can he go from hero to zero to hero again this season? Nicknames involving yo-yo's are massing on my horizon.

With a combined appearances total of 27, 2012 has basically been owned by The Doctor and GingaPrince who have been heads up or better 14 times between them. Killawatt has only made the last two on three occasions, but has somehow done enough to stay right in contention as we reach the season decider.

Wee Rambo has struggled to turn his good showings into hard championship contending stats but will surely be quite happy with his first full season in our exalted company.

Without looking back on previous seasons, I suspect this is Sea Cock's best ever finish, a win could even propel him higher up the final table. At this stage the blog must retract it's previous aspersions on his good name (they already have been in person, but the internet must also be told). He was a no-show at the last game through no fault of his own, but because the Colosseum staff overlooked his invite. Would never have happened in the Albion Road days.

So, the wooden spoon and trophy are undecided and the excitement levels could hardly be higher.

Formerly The Damage, now it's Fiscal Cliff

Hopefully our honorary member, the stateside President Cliff Fiscal will be able to drop in during the munchie break for a chat. I'm sure he sends his best wishes.

All the best from your humble scribe too. Remember your shirts!!! See you there.

PS: There appears to be a statistical inaccuracy in the table. The last place finishes column totals 16 when only 15 games have been played. Please check your results and let me know who I've added the extra ignominious marker to!!!