Result - 21/07/2012

Sea Cock & breadcrumbs

1. Sea Cock
2. The Doctor
3. Wee Rambo
4. Petawatt
5. Bottleneck
6. Killawatt
7. The Raiser

Four bitch slappins into this game I'd had enough and pumped my remaining stack on QQ. Not only was this already behind the KK held by Bottleneck, the first card turned was another big durty K, well whaddayaknow. A blessed relief to be shot of this stupid fudgin pastime!!!!

The Dr after a Tropitoffee Bomb

Arriving late I'd missed a major Killawatt misjudgement. Playing & beating The Doctor all the way through a hand with the aid of a 9 of hearts to make his middling flush, he turned to show - eek - a 9 of diamonds. A 'reverse dean' against the inventor of 'doing a dean'. Revenge for the Championship Leader didn't come during the remainder of the game but was meted out later with all manner of bombs leaving the "english" one (he declared that earlier) near whiteying on the couch begging for mercy and spewing champagne bubbles into a basin. Puir wee scone!!!

The Dr post Bucks Fizz Bomb

Noticing the likelihood that his condition might later provoke the author of a local poker blog to cherry pick details in a manner akin to the style used in the national press, thereby inferring The Doctor was anything other than hardcore alcoholic since birth and somehow couldn't handle drink when presented in a novelty glass and a range of colours, and consequently prompting the Doctor to have to write an email complaining about such lack of journalistic integrity, The Doctor sprang from his slumbers.

Hopping from foot to foot he chopped down the remaining slovenly Scots in the room with a mixture of PHd level chat and strafing right/left upper cut combo's. In a flash he'd put the table back in the cupboard, emptied the ashtrays and done the dishes so he couldn't later be accused of being all bad. Without breaking stride he was down to Glentress in a matter of moments on an undersized trike with no tyres and one gear, booting it round the mountain side backwards whilst still wearing his shades. The polis warn against this, which made it all the more daring from the Beast of Bowburn. Finally deciding his manhood had been redeemed almost enough, The Doctor decided to return to the Colosseum the long way by kicking Froome into the scrub and pacemaking for Wiggins for an entire stage to ensure a maiden English (surely British) victory in the Tour de France. He's too often under appreciated, but its the unnoticed hard yards he puts in that people don't always see that make the man great (is this enough yet, I'm boring myself now?).

All accusations of tabloidry against this blog completely scuppered with this upskirt shot of the Dr after a Double Lolly Bomb

Whilst Killawatt survived that error with a few chips left, a mini comeback (one of my aforementioned bitch slappins) had given him a route back in. The crunch came soon after v Sea Cock. Killa held two spades. Sea Cock held two clubs. After the turn card there were two more spades and two more clubs out, so both players flushing. The club came, Sea Cock triumphed and Killawatt was sent to reflect on where his previous poker dominance has decided to hide.

It was Bottlenecks turn next to feel the Cock of the Sea. The formers 44 nowhere near good enough to overcome 99 from the Salty Ol' Sea Dog. Then Petawatt was the next to be done up like a kipper by Captain Birdseye choking slowly like a fish in an empty bucket, I think a 10-2 off suit being the death rattle of a disappointingly nondescript performance.

Wee Rambo couldn't do better than 3rd place when his Q8 was shown the door when Sea Cock's suited A4 flopped a straight.

Suddenly there are two players who don't have a clue what day it is vying for the money and worse still, pushing right into Championship contention. Sea Cock who'd slain everyone so far apart from your humble narrator who'd deliberately fell on his sword in a huff and Doctor 'I'm awake, no, I'm sleeping again, no, I'm awake, no, I've lost it again, what's happening, HOW MOOCH' Dot-to-dot (I admit, that name might not catch on). Doctor Etc thought a Q5 was a good hand against Sea Cocks KJ suited. The cards arrived in this order; 9-3-8-K-K and it was good night ya drunken bums as the designated driver pocketed the pennies and left with his second win of the season, although crucially, he is short of his half-plus-one qualification, so it might all be in vain.

Up To Date Table

Half way through the year, half way through the season, has to be said, still anyone's championship. Half plus one is currently 5 games and shall remain so after next week (21st July @ Kev's Colosseum).

A machine for zapping Watts!!!!

                         P     W     2nd     L     Pts     Ave

Killawatt           7       2       0       0      92     13.14

GingaStinga     8        2       2       2      88     11.00

The Doctor       6       1       2        0      75     12.50

Wee Rambo     6       1        1      0       51      8.50

Bottleneck        7       1        0      3       45      6.43

Petawatt           8       0       1       0       87     10.88

The Raiser        8       0        2      1       74      9.25

Sea Cock         3       1        0       0      27      9.00

Dundertrump    4       0        0       2      17      4.25

Some stunning stats. Dunderfunk must decide if it's actually worthwhile qualifying with half + 1 this year. Could be a worst of all time. Conversely, The 2010 Champion has finished top 2 in half his games. One to watch. As has the GingaPrincess who is a model of consistency with form comparable to a monthly grenade blast!!! She (surely he) must look back on that defeat by Ol' Sea Cock with regret, it would have put her (him) into a very strong position. And as usual its the Colosseum owner who continues to ride his decade long wave of luck up the top.

23/06/2012 - Result

Give someone else a chance ya greedy bas

1. Killawatt
2. The Doctor
3. The Raiser
4. GingaStinga
5. Petawatt
6. Bottleneck
7. Sea Cock
8. The Man with No Blouse

Apologies - The Damage (playing with over-sized garden toys), The Professor (has been disbanded), Wee Rambo (Beers were too cold).

Bottleneck was first to be dealt bullets and wet himself as Ol' Sea Cock declared the first all-in of the evening. But this duel ended all square as they played the board.

Omaha (or is that Oklahomaha) accounted for the first exit when Dunderfunk dunderfunked it up with 888 v the GingaStinga's KKK (racist twat). He left the arena £5 & two Wire boxed sets lighter which lifted my mood considerably.

Sea Cock, in the yelly jersey, fell off his bike next after being rammed by Killa, back riding on his lucky poker moped. It was one of those moments you especially love to be put out as your opponent reluctantly calls saying "I don't want to", but they fffffffffffffffffffffffffeckin well do anyway!!!!! A9 hearts was in the sailors hand and he was delighted to be up against K-10 also of hearts, but The PP$ Behemoth's luck is right back on track, a 10 showed up (remember this moment for later) and Ol' Sea Cock was up a creek without a paddle.

Bottleneck, whose game has gone backwards since victory earlier in the season could only manage 6th place. The first two players out are notorious for being under the thumb and needing to be home by 10pm, but the host had no such excuses with Madame away. In fairness, another tight one as his KQ off suit was beaten by The Doctor's K-10 suited, again, a dirty 10 popping up to do the damage.

Gentleman Petawatt, slipped out in 5th, a terrible finish by his usual standards. The Doctor had smugly hit a straight on the flop but came under attack from a man requiring running clubs to make his flush. One club arrived, but not the second.

With four players left, the Ginga Prince and The Raiser became entangled with QQ & 22 in a hand that flattened the formers evening. An AQ suited allowed him to get all his chips in v Killa, but a QQ is very nice in that situation, and that's what he had, and that's what ended Gingle Berries participation.

I'd managed to lose a couple of hands from ahead and not call from behind when I would have won the hand more than once and had been chided to start playing with rubbish. With just shy of 17,000 chips on the table I raised Killa's big, was re-raised and decided to put all my 5,700 behind a 10-8 off suit. I should have known I was doomed either way, the big hairy fairy turned over A8 and I was going to have to be a right ungentlemanly mofo to come back and claim that hand. I know I don't need to remind you that the 10 was being hit from behind earlier in the evening and I especially don't need to hark back a couple of games to when I had Wee Rambo trussed up like a fatted calf four times, twice in exactly this scenario only to be defiled in the most evil of ways. Since I don't need to remind you of this, I won't. Killa then told me 10-8 off suit was, quite obviously, far too good. One day, the penny shall drop I'm sure.

The Doctor with the yo-yo form was all that stood betwixt the reigning champ and the money. Earlier in the evening he'd been entertaining us with his famous party trick of going all the way in a massive hand with absolutely nothing, then realising at the showdown he'd had the nuts all along. How we love that one. The first heads up flash point arrived with the Doc all in with an A9 v Killa's A-3. Still wasn't good enough and resulted in a split pot. Then the crunch came, Killa held K2 and The Doc went in with 97. By the time a 9 came, The Champ had already hit a K, then went on to ram home his victory by pairing the 2 too!!!

When will Bottleneck get an end game? When will Pete get nasty? Which Doctor shall turn up next time? Will the author finally win and stop harping on about not being good enough bad beats? Find out next time at (TBA).

09/06/2012 - Result

This is a Sea Cock

Gadzooks, the match report slipped my mind hence the delay. As details can often be innaccurate when reporting the following day, there may be some factual looseness hereonin!!!

Eight players took part. Bottleneck, currently playing like a poker version of Rangers lost all his chips in a hurry. No records were taken of the details allowing me to suggest he was put out so early it was 'before records began'.

Fans favourite The Raiser was next to suffer forced rear entry. Late to the game due to Gentlemanly commitments elsewhere he was unable to get a foothold before being shabbily treated by Dunderfunk. It must be noted that this particular bad beat in a heroic array of consecutive bad beats particularly stings and shall not be forgotten as my general poker bitterness increases by the game. In an attempt to scare rubbish cards off with my A and a paltry stack, the Corstorphine Chianti called with a 6-5 off suit purely to give me some chips. I had to put a cork on the hatred welling up inside as he hit a 5 without reply.

The foul mouthed Doctor's £5 elapsed next against Prince Gingle Berries. K4 suited became "f*&@ all in a cloud of f%#* all" against QQ. His words. Then there were five.

To my deepest disappointment Dunderfunk was next for the ejector seat. A big loss v Killawatt was followed next hand v GingaRadge whose A9 held up against A4.

Killawatt's involvement ceased when GingaRadge swarmed all over a K-10 with an AK. The former had all sorts of outs, but couldn't hit and left the game. This freed him up to provide his elite ongoing critique of the sub-standard play of those still in for the rest of the evening.

As usual, no mention of Petawatt until this point as he keeps his head down, stays out of trouble and then bleeds dry in 2nd or 3rd place. The Doctor's notes are not very clear on the details however the words "rampant f*%?fest" appear next to KK & JJ.

There also appears to be a hand involving Petawatt (66), Killawatt (K7) & GingaRadge (A6) to which the 'rampant ~fest' quote may apply. Could secretaries please take more care when noting game details in future?!?

An even better Sea Cock

Cash on the table time as Gingle Berries in a familiar position found himself against Sea Cock, a boat out of water in a heads up scenario if you don't mind mashed analogies too much. The smart money was on Ginga Prince, but Sea Cock was in a buddha like poker trance and coldly hunted down his more decorated opponent. The only notes I have are:

"Sea Cock 4-6's resplendant"
"GingaRadge - oof"

Good luck deciphering that. Sea Cock took the prize!!!

Next game is on Saturday 23rd June at the Rare Books Arena. Remember, this is a non-kitchen roll environment, so bring your own Thirst Pockets. Especially you Pete!!!

Saturday May 19th - Result & Latest Table

Radge

1. Gingle Berries
2. Wee Rambo
3. The Raiser
4. Petawatt
5. Bottleneck

Apologies: The Gynaecologist (Londinium), Killawatt (Deaths Door), Dunderfunk (Washing his hair again), The Professor (Retired), The Damage (Babysitting).

Taking advantage of a weakened field at the Rare Books Arena on Saturday, The Ginga Prince bagged his second win of the season to explode to the top of the 2012 table with some "unstoppable fackin cairds". His words. Backed up by a flotilla of pairs with some bullets thrown in, when the blinds began to bite, Messrs Rambo & Raiser couldn't find an answer!!!

The last hand exemplified what had gone before. Heads up the Ginga Prince (3-3) and Wee Rambo (Q-J) found themselves in a classic Texas Hold'em showdown. The flop helped neither before a killer Jack appeared on the turn. Then the river produced an even more killer 3. Quite a sight watching their 'Happiness Graphs' shoot past each other in opposite directions.

Earlier, much earlier, Bottleneck was first to exit with unseemly haste. A pre-flop raise by in-form Mr Raiser holding A-10 couldn't shake him off. The Raiser hit both cards on the flop and raised again, but was in turn re-raised all-in by the host. All the Raiser could do was call and hope to hold up, which he did when Bottleneck turned over Q-10 which appeared to be gasping for air. You'd struggle to get a Chilean miner out of a hole like that!!! Back to the drawing board for Bottleneck or the recent win might attract 'fluke' status.

After the break Petawatt bowed out around the beginning of GingaStinga's assault. KQ might be good enough most of the time, but AA in the hands of the GingaAssasin ended Petawatt's participation.

The Raiser has spent a little too much time recently whinging about bad beats and naturally, this continued well into the evening. Having more than covered Wee Rambo in the previous game four times and without prevailing, he came to the conclusion that the only way to tackle the Luckius Gittus was to go all-in miles behind. The opportunity arose with a 3-4 off-suit pre-flop and all Rambo's chips on the table but the walk didn't match his talk and he folded. The rabbit was chased and a 6-high straight for The Raiser would have sent Wee Rambo crashing. What a game eh???

After being ahead at the break, the blinds were squeezing as they do and The Raiser eventually chucked a couple of grand at four clubs on the flop. The GingaAssasin was at it again though, pairing his K on the flop and avoiding clubs henceforth to make it 'Cash-on-the-table' time.

Quite a good game I thought, Bobby Bawbag might disagree. Your scribe played quite well with sweet cards for the first half. Then there was a bit of a 3-way tussle near the end before the Ginger Spring swept all before it. Some unusual composure from Young Rambo was in evidence with less of an issue regarding the Break than normal. In the end, the cards were the winner.

No date or venue for the next game yet. I'm keen and I'm sure those with Manflu or other barely credible excuses will also be keen to re-engage, so come on Wattleneck Fixtures Committee, get emailing.

Finally, below is the up to date table for 2012.

                       P    W   2nd     L   Pts    Ave
GingaStinga     6     2      1     2    60    10.00
The Doctor      4     1      1     0    53    13.25
Killawatt           5     1      0     0    61    12.20
Wee Rambo    6     1      1     0    51     8.50
Bottleneck        5     1      0     2    40     8.00
Petawatt          6     0      1     0    65    10.83
The Raiser       6     0      2     1    58     9.67

4 games must have been played to qualify.

Latest Table - May 12

Gentlemen of the cards, please find below the latest standings in our venerable little organisation.

                           P      W      2nd      L      Pts      Ave

The Doctor         4       1         1        0       53      13.25

Killawatt              5       1         0        0       61      12.20

Bottleneck          4       1         0        1       40      10.00

Ginga Prince       5       1         1        2       40        8.00

Wee Rambo       5       1         0        0       36        7.20

Petawatt             5       0         1        0       60       12.00

The Raiser         5       0         2        1       48        9.60

Sea Cock           1       0         0        0        5         5.00

Andersfunk         2       0         0        1        9         4.50

Next Match

The next Ranker shall commence not before 20:00 on Saturday 19th May at the newly refurbished RareBooks Arena. Combatants are advised as usual to bring enough solid and liquid sustenance to last an Andean plane crash.

Midweek Misery

Reports have arrived at the PP$ office of a non-ranking Midweeker held at Kev's Colosseum on Wednesday last. The Raiser, Wee Rambo, Killawatt & Petawatt faced off in a 4Playa.

The Raiser announced beforehand that he would be retiring from poker after the game as he'd swallowed too many bad beats over a period that stretches back into the mists of memory. It is far, far, far from enjoyable, made even worse when the finances are so constrained. I must add a disclaimer of sorts in that I am not a believer in 'luck'. In my experience the more you put in, the harder you try and the better you are, the luckier you get over the longer term.  However it was pointed out to me by Mega/Peta & Killa about 14 months ago that I seemed to have been having a lot of bad luck over the course of the last couple of years. Since then things have been a joke. Then on Wednesday it got worse!!!

Raiser in hair trouble

The tussle was lengthy and all players made it past the break. Petawatt was first to fade out as the blinds ramped up. Killawatt had a frustrating evening, two or three times slipping below a Grand in chippage, only to scrap back up, before being squeezed back down again. Eventually he exited in the 3rd position. The Raiser was once again very happy with his play and led the game for most of the evening. Wee Rambo hit the nicest hands early on during Draw with a couple of 4-of-a-kinds. Later he became the only player to show pocket A's all evening. He also survived FOUR all-in's v The Raiser where every time he was more than covered chipwise AND holding weaker cards AND two times out of the four had only one live card in his hand. It was a quite incredible display of overcoming increasingly insurmountable odds, the main hand twice doing the damage being an otherwise innocuous 5-8 suited. As the taker of all this increasingly unfeasible ass-whupping you can imagine my delight when Wee Rambo eventually won the cash. His post-match lack of hubris matched only by my own girly whinging in this report.

Result - Saturday 21st April

The One True God (no image available)

Italics denote last hand held
1. The Doctor
7-3 off suit
2. Juggerwatt
6-4 off suit
3. Killawatt
6-3 suited
4. Wee Rambo
Four card flush aka SFA
5. Bottleneck
QJ (v KQ)
6. The Raiser
8-5 off suit
7. Ginga Prince
Trips (at Omaha)

Apologies: The Professor (retired, in the boxing sense), Sea Cock (retired, in the boxing sense), The Damage (left the European Poker Tour & joined the US Poker Tour), Homie formerly known as Aces/DaBlouse/Thunderbucket/Donut, (unavailable for comment).

Poker is a bastard. It really is. What is the point of persevering in the face of such harsh fortune when no amount of skill or perseverance is rewarded and the winner is decided purely on some fickle twist of fate (rhetorical question so I don't think a question mark is required).

There was a midweek game the previous Wednesday. It had been dominated by Wee Rambo who was rewarded both for good calls and bad calls. Didn't really seem to matter as he steamed into the last two with an unsightly chip lead. And at that exact point his golden touch deserted him. Did he massively alter his tactics? Did he forget how to play? Did he which!!! For some reason, the only God that exists - The Poker God - decided that enough was enough and with the inevitability of grim death itself, both the hard & easily won gains of the Miniature Rambo began a steady march across the table to the welcoming embrace of young Petawatt who, after games and games of competent and tight play with no reward finally pocketed the pennies.

The seat where you cannot avoid flushes

With bathroom renovations underway at Kev's Colosseum it was onto Saturday, a new day, so a new game. Not a bit of it. Petawatt discovered that his stock was still high in Poker Heaven. His only problem was avoiding the good cards which pestered him all night. Unable to get dealt something pish, he was forced to partake in most hands and then win them. Occasionally he'd win from being ahead. Other times he'd win from being in the lead. And some more times he'd win from the best starting position. Any time he'd have suffered a bad beat, the opponent had already folded. He had a specific problem trying to avoid 500's as they just kept tumbling towards him. Some of his 500's were even witnessed giving birth to some 100's in his chipstack. Nobody was safe, not even Behemothwatt who couldn't quench the flow.

Another WC refurb suggestion

The Juggerwatt was responsible for the demise of the Ginga Prince before then slaying Wee Rambo for the second game running. Heads up with The Gynaecologist he simply couldn't fail. But then, the Golden Aeroplane in which he was flying lost cabin pressure and spiralled towards the Pentland Mountains and a horrible horrible end. Mr God of Poker had switched his allegiance at a speed that would make Rupert Murdoch proud. The Doctor of dot-to-dot, probably the most hot and cold homeboy in PP$ history caught fire (eh, I think he was on another plane that had fire extinguishers on it and didn't crash and the metaphor, if it was one, has got too messy and I'm going to try to finish the report a little less confusingly).

So The Doctor sparked into life and took all the chips. And won hitting a flush with a 7-3 off suit (this sentence was especially satisfying as an English teacher once told me I couldn't begin a sentence using the word 'and'. Pick it out Ashworth and check out the first sentence in the bible too, only the biggest selling book of all time ya twit).

Where was I? Looking at the 'last hands held' details at the top of the page it looks like only Messrs P & B went out with proper cards. The other five players held 8-5 offsuit, 8-9 suited, 6-3 suited, 6-4 offsuit & 7-3 offsuit. Nothing to make Liv Boree quake in her kitten heels just yet.

This was Doctor dot-to-dot's first win since his Anus Yabeautius in 2010. Five games into this new season we have five players on one win. Tasty. Returning to the first exclamation of this report, maybe poker isn't such a fatherer of illegitimate children after all. The Doctor would certainly beg to differ this morning.