Result - Saturday 22nd September

1. Gingle Berries

The Raiser (since March 2011)

2. Petawatt

3. Wee Rambo

4. Sea Cock

5. Killawatt

6. The Raizerio

7. Bottleneck

8. Dr Doctor

Apologies: The Damage (Babysitting), Player Formerly Known As Da Blouse (No excuse), Player Formerly Known As The Raiser (Still Sending Cheaper Mexican Equivalent Until Further Notice).

Any joy has long since been sucked out of this wretched game. So I embarked on the evening fully expecting to donate a fiver to an undeserving cause and hoping not to come last. By this criteria my evening was a raging success. Indeed, despite being about as hopeless, useless and rubbish as its possible to be, I still lasted longer than two other players.

With myself and Bottleneck struggling to find a winning hand between us, in the meantime The Doctor still managed to donate chips aplenty to the willing Watts. Petawatt was especially subsidised before The Doctor reached his panic phase. This is the phase he uses to exit every game he doesn't win. It goes something like:

• Lose a hand
• Get rubbish cards next hand
• Panic
• Go all in with nothing

This pattern was followed to the letter to the point that before his panic all-in bet had hit the baize, The Raizerio was exclaiming "Spunk, Spunk, Spunk alert, he's Spunking all his chips". He was called and if I recall correctly, had a 8 high.

So he transferred to shuffling and dealing duties whilst two other players were still wrestling with their granny. Eventually I was able to win a hand, my only one of the night. As I did, I noticed a small tear form in the corner of Bottlenecks eye and run down his cheek. By jove I'd broken him with a little help from Texas Hold'em. He was soon all in blind with a 3-4 off suit and a look of real hatred in his eyes as his challenge expired. It might have been tiredness, I get awfy confused.

So I've won one hand. Two fine players are out. Yet Sea Cock and Petawatt, somehow with decent chipstacks appear to be struggling with the simplest of instructions such as this:

GingaRadge: 240 to you Sea Cock

Sea Cock: (Thinks for an hour or so until the buzzer goes a couple of times, makes some funny noises)

The Raiser: You know its you yeah?

Sea Cock: Ahh its just so difficult, I can't work it out, how much is it to me.

The Raiser: (talking in caps now) TWOHUNDREDANDFORTYFFS, what's to work out?

Sea Cock: (makes some more funny noises)

The Raiser: You're so obviously going to fold, just fold, will you fold, please fold, I've got a wife and kids you know, I don't want to die this wayayayayay.

Sea Cock: (inevitably) Fold.

Earlier, we'd witnessed a hand that wouldn't be out of place in a 'How not to play poker' tutorial. The Doctor had already turned over his A-10 long before the conclusion of the hand giving him an almost unassailable A-high straight. The Cock o' the Sea contrived to be in the hand until the showdown when he at least got the 'when to turn your cards over' bit right. This is when the rest of the table noticed that he had a straight flush from K to 9 (I mean, how couldn't any competent player notice they had a straight flush?). Last to bet, with a straight flush (aka The Nuts), didn't raise. Astonishing.

Why the ire at people who consistently stay in longer than you but don't seem to know what they're doing Raizerio? Coz I had him by the danglies earlier in the night and he hit the river to win, and had the cheek to complain. Talk about pressing all my buttons at once. And after all that he still hasn't procured me a free boat despite insistent reminders. Really needs to get his finger out.

Cripes, almost forgot to whinge about my own exit. So there I was getting shocking cards all night, as you do, then the cheating dealer basturts cocked up and dealt me a pair of 8's by mistake. Needing three snookers by this stage to get out of trouble, I took my chance. This is where the witch entered the hand.

In former more enlightened times we used to burn these evil doers at the stake. Nowadays they hide behind names like 'Scientist' and 'Poker Pro'. Claiming to use some sort of twisted anti-intuition backed up with dirty little statistics, experiments and observation, the insidious Killawatt embarked on wrondoing twofold. Firstly he thought that it was sensible to call with a J4 off suit, but secondly and worse still, just chucked any sort of etiquette out the window. I mean how rude is it to win a hand with rotten cards against an honest fella playing genuinely and never once complaining when the cards don't go his way. A decent person would have mucked them there and then. I don't care what the experts say, when there are no manners left, we'd be as well just handing the keys over the the fanatics. Naturally, when the cards came, the evil dealer conspiracy had regained control of things. There wasn't a single 8 in sight, just a Joke, I mean Jack and The Raizerio was sent to sit in the corner.

So 6th place for me and 5th for the bitch that stuck the knife in. In a pot v Captain Birdseye both players held an A. Two A's on the flop ensured a fight to the bitter end, Killawatt eventually being out kicked. The sympathy around the table was non-existent after his earlier wild-eyed rantings along the lines of "I'm as honest as they come", to the mirth of those who know him best.

Killawatt's slayer, one time championship contender, Unabomber and general table-pisser-offer Sea Cock took his leave in 4th (are we still only at 4th place?). His K-10 suited avoided as many cards as Wee Rambo's A-9 off suit. Never one to avoid an opportunity to display his ignorance Mr Cock exited muttering the word "unbelievable". Aye, unbelievable if I'd been holding the A-9 (my good cards never hold up, my poor cards never come from behind, but as I keep saying, I never go on about it), but hardly 'unbelievable'.

By this point Petawatt, chip leader for the most part had frittered away many of the chips he'd taken from The Doc and elsewhere and was sitting in 3rd (regular readers will know that Petawatt has a fetish for silver and bronze medals and the clever chat (me) predicted more of the same. Wee Rambo was dancing on either side of the safe/unsafe divide whilst GingaStinga's evening was turning into one of those where you win 3 hands all night, then the last 3 hands and suddenly you're off home with the prize in your pocket.

The next fatality occurred after a Wee Rambo v Petawatt showdown. The former held 5-3 suited against 44. Nobody hit and we were down to Two.

There was a little bit of life left in the match, but not much. A6 (Ginga) v A4 (Peta) soon brought things to a head and when the radgest of the two paired his 6 on the flop, a fat lady began to sing.

Next game in a fortnight I believe. I'll get the overall table updated in the next few days.

Result - Saturday 1st September

Amazingly, these are not the most nutritious

As I was absent due to something mildly more entertaining happening elsewhere, the last game will not have the customary entertaining report from Mr Oomble Scribe. This post also has the potential to contain many factual inaccuracies as I am having to rely largely on second-hand testimony. I can verify the top 2, as I arrived as the game concluded, the rest of the placings were provided by Doc/Killa and they didn't really seem to have a clue what had gone on.

What's new?

1. DunderBlouse
2. Dr Doctor
3. Peta 'hang in as long as possible til you bleed out in 2nd or 3rd' Watt
4. Killawatt
5. Cock o'the Sea
6. Ginga 'notso' Radge

For match report addicts, I can provide this small sop. Post PP$ there remained Doc, Killa, Peta & Raiselicious. Gagging on some caird action I moronically forgot about the 21 month run of anti-luck I've been navigating. A mini game of dealers choice began with a £100 buy-in (accuracy +/- £99) making the pot FOUR WHOLE POUNDS. Not to be sniffed at I'm sure you'll agree. About 5 hands in I got a AJ, pushed with it, came up against Petawatt's 99 and hit SFA. Why do I bother? As always, perfectly fine as an individual hand, but if I can't rely on luck what else can I rely on???

Nice wee bad beat whinge out the way.

Before the next game at the Rare Books Arena, I'll tot up the Overall Table. Also, I think with a few players in with a shout this season, we should finalise the remaining fixtures in advance, preferably at the next game. Therefore, ideally, bring a list of dates you are free on a Saturday night to the next match and we can, like the grown-ups we are, amicably devise a schedule.

Bombs

The vessels

Aye, what are these bombs I've been hearing about man?

BOOM BANG-A-BANG, da bombs are the latest craze to sweep Kev's Colosseum. Want to learn more, read on...

One day, a dude called Petawatt bought some Red Bull and a bottle of Jagermeister. He combined these two substances into one magic potion called a Jagerbomb. Known in Germany as a Turbojager or a Flying Stag while the Finns are a bit more descriptive calling it Battery Acid.

This potent mix soon became a means for poker players to enhance their performances flying in the face of conventional wisdom.

Simple mathematics

But Killawatt yearned for more. One day, after a near two decade hiatus, he once again began sniffing around the parental drinks cabinet and was rewarded with some Kahlua, Cointreau, some Disaronno and a toffee liqueur from the Canary Islands. He then complemented these weapons with some red bull. A couple of 'bomb glasses' also entered his possession. His guns were now loaded!!!

Accompanied by The Raiser, they got tucked in like the don't-know-when-to-stop-Scots they are!!!

Next stop after the JagerBomb was a Skittle Bomb. This is also known in parts of Asia as a C-Bomb. It has now established itself as Killawatts favourite bomb. In the midst of a SkittleBomb afterjudder, The Raiser conceived the idea for a BucksFizzBomb. The bomb that writes itself. Cointreau in the middle, Champers round the outside. Champagne was duly purchased for the very next session.

This idea marked Phase 2 in Bomb development. Firstly it was the first invented bomb in the Killa/Raiser armoury, but it also put alcohol in the inner AND outer bomb components. Ya dancer!!!

Any mixer will do

It became apparent to participants - Petawatt was usually still involved after some regulation brotherly peer pressure - that two flimsy bomb glasses just weren't enough. The internet was duly scoured until suitably enhanced receptacles were identified. At this point the new art of Bomb drinking pretty much exploded. Bang!!!

More alcohol made its way into the glitzy new collection. Never before considered substances such as Limoncello and Cherry Brandy were mixed with all manner of energy drinks with scant flavour information and names generally unconnected to anything a sensible person should consume (Relentless, Monster, P***y, etc).

Understandably, the true evolution of our Bombs is a little hazy. As pioneers breaking new ground, we have scaled some delicious heights and shuddered and juddered below some truly disastrous combinations (toffee & lemon or the more controversial marzipan & champagne). So I've decided to list below the successes and shall leave you to experiment however you like with these Bombs being a great starting point.

A third of the price of the real stuff

JagerBomb
Inside: 1 shot of Jagermeister
Outside: Red Bull or equivalent (i.e. KX Energy drink)
Description: Not as bad as you may fear, especially if you were brought up on the industrial tastes of Aftershock, Tequila or Sambuca. A nice hit usually followed by a shudder or two.
Rating: 5/5

SkittleBomb
Inside: 1 shot of Cointreau
Outside: Red Bull or equivalent
Description: The Cointreau is 40% and packs an equivalent punch, but the Skittle aftertaste does enough. Although you've definitely had a drink, the lingering sweetie effect is very pleasant
Rating 5/5

DoubleLollyBomb
Inside: 1 shot if Disaronno or Amaretto
Outside: KX Red Berry
Description: The shot is marzipan/almond and when it mixes with the berry drink the leftover taste is very similar to Double Lollies. The Raisers favourite. Unfortunately the shot is only around 22% leading to accusations from Skittle Bomb afficionado's that it's not all it could be. Means I just have to have twice as many!!!
Rating: 5/5

BucksFizzBomb
Inside: 1 shot of Cointreau
Outside: Champagne or fizzy plonk equivalent
Description: This is the posh one, based on the Bucks Fizz (fresh orange juice in Champagne), its the true Rolls Royce of Bombs. Great for kicking off special occasions and any other occasion too. Don't forget, it has the blow-yer-socks-off ability as it's got alcohol in both compartments. Boom!!!
Rating: 5/5

KahToffeeBomb
Inside: Toffee liqueur
Outside: Kahlua, not as much as you'd normally pour for a mixer
Description: Another double strength BoomBomb, this wee bastirt packs an unsuspecting punch generating a hot afterjudder. Tastes lovely then Blam, you're three post bomb shudders in, loving it and saying 'ooh, dunno if I want another one of those'!!!!
Rating: 5/5



TropiToffeeBomb
Inside: Toffee Liqueur
Outside: KX Tropical
Description: Booyakasha, it turns out it IS the toffee that packs the hot slap, but it's nicely curtailed with a Lilt-esque tropical energy drink courtesy of the local Tesco. This would be the business on a hot beach somewhere, even though it has only so far been road tested durung our sodden summer.
Rating: 5/5

LemonCherryBerryBomb
Inside: Cherry Brandy & Limoncello
Outside: KX Red Berry
Description: Another borderline alcoholic innovation from Da Bomb Bros, this time two alcohols are mixed in the middle and complemented with the berry outer ring. It might be fruit-tastic, but it passes the Killawatt test of being "not too much like real fruit". Refreshing and rewrites Rule 1 of drinking - DO mix your drinks!!!
Rating: 5/5

Result - 21/07/2012

Sea Cock & breadcrumbs

1. Sea Cock
2. The Doctor
3. Wee Rambo
4. Petawatt
5. Bottleneck
6. Killawatt
7. The Raiser

Four bitch slappins into this game I'd had enough and pumped my remaining stack on QQ. Not only was this already behind the KK held by Bottleneck, the first card turned was another big durty K, well whaddayaknow. A blessed relief to be shot of this stupid fudgin pastime!!!!

The Dr after a Tropitoffee Bomb

Arriving late I'd missed a major Killawatt misjudgement. Playing & beating The Doctor all the way through a hand with the aid of a 9 of hearts to make his middling flush, he turned to show - eek - a 9 of diamonds. A 'reverse dean' against the inventor of 'doing a dean'. Revenge for the Championship Leader didn't come during the remainder of the game but was meted out later with all manner of bombs leaving the "english" one (he declared that earlier) near whiteying on the couch begging for mercy and spewing champagne bubbles into a basin. Puir wee scone!!!

The Dr post Bucks Fizz Bomb

Noticing the likelihood that his condition might later provoke the author of a local poker blog to cherry pick details in a manner akin to the style used in the national press, thereby inferring The Doctor was anything other than hardcore alcoholic since birth and somehow couldn't handle drink when presented in a novelty glass and a range of colours, and consequently prompting the Doctor to have to write an email complaining about such lack of journalistic integrity, The Doctor sprang from his slumbers.

Hopping from foot to foot he chopped down the remaining slovenly Scots in the room with a mixture of PHd level chat and strafing right/left upper cut combo's. In a flash he'd put the table back in the cupboard, emptied the ashtrays and done the dishes so he couldn't later be accused of being all bad. Without breaking stride he was down to Glentress in a matter of moments on an undersized trike with no tyres and one gear, booting it round the mountain side backwards whilst still wearing his shades. The polis warn against this, which made it all the more daring from the Beast of Bowburn. Finally deciding his manhood had been redeemed almost enough, The Doctor decided to return to the Colosseum the long way by kicking Froome into the scrub and pacemaking for Wiggins for an entire stage to ensure a maiden English (surely British) victory in the Tour de France. He's too often under appreciated, but its the unnoticed hard yards he puts in that people don't always see that make the man great (is this enough yet, I'm boring myself now?).

All accusations of tabloidry against this blog completely scuppered with this upskirt shot of the Dr after a Double Lolly Bomb

Whilst Killawatt survived that error with a few chips left, a mini comeback (one of my aforementioned bitch slappins) had given him a route back in. The crunch came soon after v Sea Cock. Killa held two spades. Sea Cock held two clubs. After the turn card there were two more spades and two more clubs out, so both players flushing. The club came, Sea Cock triumphed and Killawatt was sent to reflect on where his previous poker dominance has decided to hide.

It was Bottlenecks turn next to feel the Cock of the Sea. The formers 44 nowhere near good enough to overcome 99 from the Salty Ol' Sea Dog. Then Petawatt was the next to be done up like a kipper by Captain Birdseye choking slowly like a fish in an empty bucket, I think a 10-2 off suit being the death rattle of a disappointingly nondescript performance.

Wee Rambo couldn't do better than 3rd place when his Q8 was shown the door when Sea Cock's suited A4 flopped a straight.

Suddenly there are two players who don't have a clue what day it is vying for the money and worse still, pushing right into Championship contention. Sea Cock who'd slain everyone so far apart from your humble narrator who'd deliberately fell on his sword in a huff and Doctor 'I'm awake, no, I'm sleeping again, no, I'm awake, no, I've lost it again, what's happening, HOW MOOCH' Dot-to-dot (I admit, that name might not catch on). Doctor Etc thought a Q5 was a good hand against Sea Cocks KJ suited. The cards arrived in this order; 9-3-8-K-K and it was good night ya drunken bums as the designated driver pocketed the pennies and left with his second win of the season, although crucially, he is short of his half-plus-one qualification, so it might all be in vain.

Up To Date Table

Half way through the year, half way through the season, has to be said, still anyone's championship. Half plus one is currently 5 games and shall remain so after next week (21st July @ Kev's Colosseum).

A machine for zapping Watts!!!!

                         P     W     2nd     L     Pts     Ave

Killawatt           7       2       0       0      92     13.14

GingaStinga     8        2       2       2      88     11.00

The Doctor       6       1       2        0      75     12.50

Wee Rambo     6       1        1      0       51      8.50

Bottleneck        7       1        0      3       45      6.43

Petawatt           8       0       1       0       87     10.88

The Raiser        8       0        2      1       74      9.25

Sea Cock         3       1        0       0      27      9.00

Dundertrump    4       0        0       2      17      4.25

Some stunning stats. Dunderfunk must decide if it's actually worthwhile qualifying with half + 1 this year. Could be a worst of all time. Conversely, The 2010 Champion has finished top 2 in half his games. One to watch. As has the GingaPrincess who is a model of consistency with form comparable to a monthly grenade blast!!! She (surely he) must look back on that defeat by Ol' Sea Cock with regret, it would have put her (him) into a very strong position. And as usual its the Colosseum owner who continues to ride his decade long wave of luck up the top.

23/06/2012 - Result

Give someone else a chance ya greedy bas

1. Killawatt
2. The Doctor
3. The Raiser
4. GingaStinga
5. Petawatt
6. Bottleneck
7. Sea Cock
8. The Man with No Blouse

Apologies - The Damage (playing with over-sized garden toys), The Professor (has been disbanded), Wee Rambo (Beers were too cold).

Bottleneck was first to be dealt bullets and wet himself as Ol' Sea Cock declared the first all-in of the evening. But this duel ended all square as they played the board.

Omaha (or is that Oklahomaha) accounted for the first exit when Dunderfunk dunderfunked it up with 888 v the GingaStinga's KKK (racist twat). He left the arena £5 & two Wire boxed sets lighter which lifted my mood considerably.

Sea Cock, in the yelly jersey, fell off his bike next after being rammed by Killa, back riding on his lucky poker moped. It was one of those moments you especially love to be put out as your opponent reluctantly calls saying "I don't want to", but they fffffffffffffffffffffffffeckin well do anyway!!!!! A9 hearts was in the sailors hand and he was delighted to be up against K-10 also of hearts, but The PP$ Behemoth's luck is right back on track, a 10 showed up (remember this moment for later) and Ol' Sea Cock was up a creek without a paddle.

Bottleneck, whose game has gone backwards since victory earlier in the season could only manage 6th place. The first two players out are notorious for being under the thumb and needing to be home by 10pm, but the host had no such excuses with Madame away. In fairness, another tight one as his KQ off suit was beaten by The Doctor's K-10 suited, again, a dirty 10 popping up to do the damage.

Gentleman Petawatt, slipped out in 5th, a terrible finish by his usual standards. The Doctor had smugly hit a straight on the flop but came under attack from a man requiring running clubs to make his flush. One club arrived, but not the second.

With four players left, the Ginga Prince and The Raiser became entangled with QQ & 22 in a hand that flattened the formers evening. An AQ suited allowed him to get all his chips in v Killa, but a QQ is very nice in that situation, and that's what he had, and that's what ended Gingle Berries participation.

I'd managed to lose a couple of hands from ahead and not call from behind when I would have won the hand more than once and had been chided to start playing with rubbish. With just shy of 17,000 chips on the table I raised Killa's big, was re-raised and decided to put all my 5,700 behind a 10-8 off suit. I should have known I was doomed either way, the big hairy fairy turned over A8 and I was going to have to be a right ungentlemanly mofo to come back and claim that hand. I know I don't need to remind you that the 10 was being hit from behind earlier in the evening and I especially don't need to hark back a couple of games to when I had Wee Rambo trussed up like a fatted calf four times, twice in exactly this scenario only to be defiled in the most evil of ways. Since I don't need to remind you of this, I won't. Killa then told me 10-8 off suit was, quite obviously, far too good. One day, the penny shall drop I'm sure.

The Doctor with the yo-yo form was all that stood betwixt the reigning champ and the money. Earlier in the evening he'd been entertaining us with his famous party trick of going all the way in a massive hand with absolutely nothing, then realising at the showdown he'd had the nuts all along. How we love that one. The first heads up flash point arrived with the Doc all in with an A9 v Killa's A-3. Still wasn't good enough and resulted in a split pot. Then the crunch came, Killa held K2 and The Doc went in with 97. By the time a 9 came, The Champ had already hit a K, then went on to ram home his victory by pairing the 2 too!!!

When will Bottleneck get an end game? When will Pete get nasty? Which Doctor shall turn up next time? Will the author finally win and stop harping on about not being good enough bad beats? Find out next time at (TBA).

09/06/2012 - Result

This is a Sea Cock

Gadzooks, the match report slipped my mind hence the delay. As details can often be innaccurate when reporting the following day, there may be some factual looseness hereonin!!!

Eight players took part. Bottleneck, currently playing like a poker version of Rangers lost all his chips in a hurry. No records were taken of the details allowing me to suggest he was put out so early it was 'before records began'.

Fans favourite The Raiser was next to suffer forced rear entry. Late to the game due to Gentlemanly commitments elsewhere he was unable to get a foothold before being shabbily treated by Dunderfunk. It must be noted that this particular bad beat in a heroic array of consecutive bad beats particularly stings and shall not be forgotten as my general poker bitterness increases by the game. In an attempt to scare rubbish cards off with my A and a paltry stack, the Corstorphine Chianti called with a 6-5 off suit purely to give me some chips. I had to put a cork on the hatred welling up inside as he hit a 5 without reply.

The foul mouthed Doctor's £5 elapsed next against Prince Gingle Berries. K4 suited became "f*&@ all in a cloud of f%#* all" against QQ. His words. Then there were five.

To my deepest disappointment Dunderfunk was next for the ejector seat. A big loss v Killawatt was followed next hand v GingaRadge whose A9 held up against A4.

Killawatt's involvement ceased when GingaRadge swarmed all over a K-10 with an AK. The former had all sorts of outs, but couldn't hit and left the game. This freed him up to provide his elite ongoing critique of the sub-standard play of those still in for the rest of the evening.

As usual, no mention of Petawatt until this point as he keeps his head down, stays out of trouble and then bleeds dry in 2nd or 3rd place. The Doctor's notes are not very clear on the details however the words "rampant f*%?fest" appear next to KK & JJ.

There also appears to be a hand involving Petawatt (66), Killawatt (K7) & GingaRadge (A6) to which the 'rampant ~fest' quote may apply. Could secretaries please take more care when noting game details in future?!?

An even better Sea Cock

Cash on the table time as Gingle Berries in a familiar position found himself against Sea Cock, a boat out of water in a heads up scenario if you don't mind mashed analogies too much. The smart money was on Ginga Prince, but Sea Cock was in a buddha like poker trance and coldly hunted down his more decorated opponent. The only notes I have are:

"Sea Cock 4-6's resplendant"
"GingaRadge - oof"

Good luck deciphering that. Sea Cock took the prize!!!

Next game is on Saturday 23rd June at the Rare Books Arena. Remember, this is a non-kitchen roll environment, so bring your own Thirst Pockets. Especially you Pete!!!