23/06/2012 - Result

Give someone else a chance ya greedy bas

1. Killawatt
2. The Doctor
3. The Raiser
4. GingaStinga
5. Petawatt
6. Bottleneck
7. Sea Cock
8. The Man with No Blouse

Apologies - The Damage (playing with over-sized garden toys), The Professor (has been disbanded), Wee Rambo (Beers were too cold).

Bottleneck was first to be dealt bullets and wet himself as Ol' Sea Cock declared the first all-in of the evening. But this duel ended all square as they played the board.

Omaha (or is that Oklahomaha) accounted for the first exit when Dunderfunk dunderfunked it up with 888 v the GingaStinga's KKK (racist twat). He left the arena £5 & two Wire boxed sets lighter which lifted my mood considerably.

Sea Cock, in the yelly jersey, fell off his bike next after being rammed by Killa, back riding on his lucky poker moped. It was one of those moments you especially love to be put out as your opponent reluctantly calls saying "I don't want to", but they fffffffffffffffffffffffffeckin well do anyway!!!!! A9 hearts was in the sailors hand and he was delighted to be up against K-10 also of hearts, but The PP$ Behemoth's luck is right back on track, a 10 showed up (remember this moment for later) and Ol' Sea Cock was up a creek without a paddle.

Bottleneck, whose game has gone backwards since victory earlier in the season could only manage 6th place. The first two players out are notorious for being under the thumb and needing to be home by 10pm, but the host had no such excuses with Madame away. In fairness, another tight one as his KQ off suit was beaten by The Doctor's K-10 suited, again, a dirty 10 popping up to do the damage.

Gentleman Petawatt, slipped out in 5th, a terrible finish by his usual standards. The Doctor had smugly hit a straight on the flop but came under attack from a man requiring running clubs to make his flush. One club arrived, but not the second.

With four players left, the Ginga Prince and The Raiser became entangled with QQ & 22 in a hand that flattened the formers evening. An AQ suited allowed him to get all his chips in v Killa, but a QQ is very nice in that situation, and that's what he had, and that's what ended Gingle Berries participation.

I'd managed to lose a couple of hands from ahead and not call from behind when I would have won the hand more than once and had been chided to start playing with rubbish. With just shy of 17,000 chips on the table I raised Killa's big, was re-raised and decided to put all my 5,700 behind a 10-8 off suit. I should have known I was doomed either way, the big hairy fairy turned over A8 and I was going to have to be a right ungentlemanly mofo to come back and claim that hand. I know I don't need to remind you that the 10 was being hit from behind earlier in the evening and I especially don't need to hark back a couple of games to when I had Wee Rambo trussed up like a fatted calf four times, twice in exactly this scenario only to be defiled in the most evil of ways. Since I don't need to remind you of this, I won't. Killa then told me 10-8 off suit was, quite obviously, far too good. One day, the penny shall drop I'm sure.

The Doctor with the yo-yo form was all that stood betwixt the reigning champ and the money. Earlier in the evening he'd been entertaining us with his famous party trick of going all the way in a massive hand with absolutely nothing, then realising at the showdown he'd had the nuts all along. How we love that one. The first heads up flash point arrived with the Doc all in with an A9 v Killa's A-3. Still wasn't good enough and resulted in a split pot. Then the crunch came, Killa held K2 and The Doc went in with 97. By the time a 9 came, The Champ had already hit a K, then went on to ram home his victory by pairing the 2 too!!!

When will Bottleneck get an end game? When will Pete get nasty? Which Doctor shall turn up next time? Will the author finally win and stop harping on about not being good enough bad beats? Find out next time at (TBA).

09/06/2012 - Result

This is a Sea Cock

Gadzooks, the match report slipped my mind hence the delay. As details can often be innaccurate when reporting the following day, there may be some factual looseness hereonin!!!

Eight players took part. Bottleneck, currently playing like a poker version of Rangers lost all his chips in a hurry. No records were taken of the details allowing me to suggest he was put out so early it was 'before records began'.

Fans favourite The Raiser was next to suffer forced rear entry. Late to the game due to Gentlemanly commitments elsewhere he was unable to get a foothold before being shabbily treated by Dunderfunk. It must be noted that this particular bad beat in a heroic array of consecutive bad beats particularly stings and shall not be forgotten as my general poker bitterness increases by the game. In an attempt to scare rubbish cards off with my A and a paltry stack, the Corstorphine Chianti called with a 6-5 off suit purely to give me some chips. I had to put a cork on the hatred welling up inside as he hit a 5 without reply.

The foul mouthed Doctor's £5 elapsed next against Prince Gingle Berries. K4 suited became "f*&@ all in a cloud of f%#* all" against QQ. His words. Then there were five.

To my deepest disappointment Dunderfunk was next for the ejector seat. A big loss v Killawatt was followed next hand v GingaRadge whose A9 held up against A4.

Killawatt's involvement ceased when GingaRadge swarmed all over a K-10 with an AK. The former had all sorts of outs, but couldn't hit and left the game. This freed him up to provide his elite ongoing critique of the sub-standard play of those still in for the rest of the evening.

As usual, no mention of Petawatt until this point as he keeps his head down, stays out of trouble and then bleeds dry in 2nd or 3rd place. The Doctor's notes are not very clear on the details however the words "rampant f*%?fest" appear next to KK & JJ.

There also appears to be a hand involving Petawatt (66), Killawatt (K7) & GingaRadge (A6) to which the 'rampant ~fest' quote may apply. Could secretaries please take more care when noting game details in future?!?

An even better Sea Cock

Cash on the table time as Gingle Berries in a familiar position found himself against Sea Cock, a boat out of water in a heads up scenario if you don't mind mashed analogies too much. The smart money was on Ginga Prince, but Sea Cock was in a buddha like poker trance and coldly hunted down his more decorated opponent. The only notes I have are:

"Sea Cock 4-6's resplendant"
"GingaRadge - oof"

Good luck deciphering that. Sea Cock took the prize!!!

Next game is on Saturday 23rd June at the Rare Books Arena. Remember, this is a non-kitchen roll environment, so bring your own Thirst Pockets. Especially you Pete!!!

Saturday May 19th - Result & Latest Table

Radge

1. Gingle Berries
2. Wee Rambo
3. The Raiser
4. Petawatt
5. Bottleneck

Apologies: The Gynaecologist (Londinium), Killawatt (Deaths Door), Dunderfunk (Washing his hair again), The Professor (Retired), The Damage (Babysitting).

Taking advantage of a weakened field at the Rare Books Arena on Saturday, The Ginga Prince bagged his second win of the season to explode to the top of the 2012 table with some "unstoppable fackin cairds". His words. Backed up by a flotilla of pairs with some bullets thrown in, when the blinds began to bite, Messrs Rambo & Raiser couldn't find an answer!!!

The last hand exemplified what had gone before. Heads up the Ginga Prince (3-3) and Wee Rambo (Q-J) found themselves in a classic Texas Hold'em showdown. The flop helped neither before a killer Jack appeared on the turn. Then the river produced an even more killer 3. Quite a sight watching their 'Happiness Graphs' shoot past each other in opposite directions.

Earlier, much earlier, Bottleneck was first to exit with unseemly haste. A pre-flop raise by in-form Mr Raiser holding A-10 couldn't shake him off. The Raiser hit both cards on the flop and raised again, but was in turn re-raised all-in by the host. All the Raiser could do was call and hope to hold up, which he did when Bottleneck turned over Q-10 which appeared to be gasping for air. You'd struggle to get a Chilean miner out of a hole like that!!! Back to the drawing board for Bottleneck or the recent win might attract 'fluke' status.

After the break Petawatt bowed out around the beginning of GingaStinga's assault. KQ might be good enough most of the time, but AA in the hands of the GingaAssasin ended Petawatt's participation.

The Raiser has spent a little too much time recently whinging about bad beats and naturally, this continued well into the evening. Having more than covered Wee Rambo in the previous game four times and without prevailing, he came to the conclusion that the only way to tackle the Luckius Gittus was to go all-in miles behind. The opportunity arose with a 3-4 off-suit pre-flop and all Rambo's chips on the table but the walk didn't match his talk and he folded. The rabbit was chased and a 6-high straight for The Raiser would have sent Wee Rambo crashing. What a game eh???

After being ahead at the break, the blinds were squeezing as they do and The Raiser eventually chucked a couple of grand at four clubs on the flop. The GingaAssasin was at it again though, pairing his K on the flop and avoiding clubs henceforth to make it 'Cash-on-the-table' time.

Quite a good game I thought, Bobby Bawbag might disagree. Your scribe played quite well with sweet cards for the first half. Then there was a bit of a 3-way tussle near the end before the Ginger Spring swept all before it. Some unusual composure from Young Rambo was in evidence with less of an issue regarding the Break than normal. In the end, the cards were the winner.

No date or venue for the next game yet. I'm keen and I'm sure those with Manflu or other barely credible excuses will also be keen to re-engage, so come on Wattleneck Fixtures Committee, get emailing.

Finally, below is the up to date table for 2012.

                       P    W   2nd     L   Pts    Ave
GingaStinga     6     2      1     2    60    10.00
The Doctor      4     1      1     0    53    13.25
Killawatt           5     1      0     0    61    12.20
Wee Rambo    6     1      1     0    51     8.50
Bottleneck        5     1      0     2    40     8.00
Petawatt          6     0      1     0    65    10.83
The Raiser       6     0      2     1    58     9.67

4 games must have been played to qualify.

Latest Table - May 12

Gentlemen of the cards, please find below the latest standings in our venerable little organisation.

                           P      W      2nd      L      Pts      Ave

The Doctor         4       1         1        0       53      13.25

Killawatt              5       1         0        0       61      12.20

Bottleneck          4       1         0        1       40      10.00

Ginga Prince       5       1         1        2       40        8.00

Wee Rambo       5       1         0        0       36        7.20

Petawatt             5       0         1        0       60       12.00

The Raiser         5       0         2        1       48        9.60

Sea Cock           1       0         0        0        5         5.00

Andersfunk         2       0         0        1        9         4.50

Next Match

The next Ranker shall commence not before 20:00 on Saturday 19th May at the newly refurbished RareBooks Arena. Combatants are advised as usual to bring enough solid and liquid sustenance to last an Andean plane crash.

Midweek Misery

Reports have arrived at the PP$ office of a non-ranking Midweeker held at Kev's Colosseum on Wednesday last. The Raiser, Wee Rambo, Killawatt & Petawatt faced off in a 4Playa.

The Raiser announced beforehand that he would be retiring from poker after the game as he'd swallowed too many bad beats over a period that stretches back into the mists of memory. It is far, far, far from enjoyable, made even worse when the finances are so constrained. I must add a disclaimer of sorts in that I am not a believer in 'luck'. In my experience the more you put in, the harder you try and the better you are, the luckier you get over the longer term.  However it was pointed out to me by Mega/Peta & Killa about 14 months ago that I seemed to have been having a lot of bad luck over the course of the last couple of years. Since then things have been a joke. Then on Wednesday it got worse!!!

Raiser in hair trouble

The tussle was lengthy and all players made it past the break. Petawatt was first to fade out as the blinds ramped up. Killawatt had a frustrating evening, two or three times slipping below a Grand in chippage, only to scrap back up, before being squeezed back down again. Eventually he exited in the 3rd position. The Raiser was once again very happy with his play and led the game for most of the evening. Wee Rambo hit the nicest hands early on during Draw with a couple of 4-of-a-kinds. Later he became the only player to show pocket A's all evening. He also survived FOUR all-in's v The Raiser where every time he was more than covered chipwise AND holding weaker cards AND two times out of the four had only one live card in his hand. It was a quite incredible display of overcoming increasingly insurmountable odds, the main hand twice doing the damage being an otherwise innocuous 5-8 suited. As the taker of all this increasingly unfeasible ass-whupping you can imagine my delight when Wee Rambo eventually won the cash. His post-match lack of hubris matched only by my own girly whinging in this report.

Result - Saturday 21st April

The One True God (no image available)

Italics denote last hand held
1. The Doctor
7-3 off suit
2. Juggerwatt
6-4 off suit
3. Killawatt
6-3 suited
4. Wee Rambo
Four card flush aka SFA
5. Bottleneck
QJ (v KQ)
6. The Raiser
8-5 off suit
7. Ginga Prince
Trips (at Omaha)

Apologies: The Professor (retired, in the boxing sense), Sea Cock (retired, in the boxing sense), The Damage (left the European Poker Tour & joined the US Poker Tour), Homie formerly known as Aces/DaBlouse/Thunderbucket/Donut, (unavailable for comment).

Poker is a bastard. It really is. What is the point of persevering in the face of such harsh fortune when no amount of skill or perseverance is rewarded and the winner is decided purely on some fickle twist of fate (rhetorical question so I don't think a question mark is required).

There was a midweek game the previous Wednesday. It had been dominated by Wee Rambo who was rewarded both for good calls and bad calls. Didn't really seem to matter as he steamed into the last two with an unsightly chip lead. And at that exact point his golden touch deserted him. Did he massively alter his tactics? Did he forget how to play? Did he which!!! For some reason, the only God that exists - The Poker God - decided that enough was enough and with the inevitability of grim death itself, both the hard & easily won gains of the Miniature Rambo began a steady march across the table to the welcoming embrace of young Petawatt who, after games and games of competent and tight play with no reward finally pocketed the pennies.

The seat where you cannot avoid flushes

With bathroom renovations underway at Kev's Colosseum it was onto Saturday, a new day, so a new game. Not a bit of it. Petawatt discovered that his stock was still high in Poker Heaven. His only problem was avoiding the good cards which pestered him all night. Unable to get dealt something pish, he was forced to partake in most hands and then win them. Occasionally he'd win from being ahead. Other times he'd win from being in the lead. And some more times he'd win from the best starting position. Any time he'd have suffered a bad beat, the opponent had already folded. He had a specific problem trying to avoid 500's as they just kept tumbling towards him. Some of his 500's were even witnessed giving birth to some 100's in his chipstack. Nobody was safe, not even Behemothwatt who couldn't quench the flow.

Another WC refurb suggestion

The Juggerwatt was responsible for the demise of the Ginga Prince before then slaying Wee Rambo for the second game running. Heads up with The Gynaecologist he simply couldn't fail. But then, the Golden Aeroplane in which he was flying lost cabin pressure and spiralled towards the Pentland Mountains and a horrible horrible end. Mr God of Poker had switched his allegiance at a speed that would make Rupert Murdoch proud. The Doctor of dot-to-dot, probably the most hot and cold homeboy in PP$ history caught fire (eh, I think he was on another plane that had fire extinguishers on it and didn't crash and the metaphor, if it was one, has got too messy and I'm going to try to finish the report a little less confusingly).

So The Doctor sparked into life and took all the chips. And won hitting a flush with a 7-3 off suit (this sentence was especially satisfying as an English teacher once told me I couldn't begin a sentence using the word 'and'. Pick it out Ashworth and check out the first sentence in the bible too, only the biggest selling book of all time ya twit).

Where was I? Looking at the 'last hands held' details at the top of the page it looks like only Messrs P & B went out with proper cards. The other five players held 8-5 offsuit, 8-9 suited, 6-3 suited, 6-4 offsuit & 7-3 offsuit. Nothing to make Liv Boree quake in her kitten heels just yet.

This was Doctor dot-to-dot's first win since his Anus Yabeautius in 2010. Five games into this new season we have five players on one win. Tasty. Returning to the first exclamation of this report, maybe poker isn't such a fatherer of illegitimate children after all. The Doctor would certainly beg to differ this morning.

Latest Table

Killa on a recent trip to Vegas

Despite being four games into the new season and having four different winners, the top of table already has a depressingly familiar look to it.

Half +1 is currently 3 games meaning that the two tailgunners at the foot of the table are included out of charity. I'll shave off under-attenders in a month or two as the standings really hot up. However H+1 will remain at 3 after the next game therefore possibly allowing Thunderfunk officially back into things should he be able to attend.

As we're still at an early stage, a single victory for anyone could make a massive shift in standings. Example: The Professor returns for the next game, wins and goes top with an ave of 20.000. Stranger things have happened (The Pussy Doctor has won an Annual Championship after all).


                                      P    W    2nd   L    Pts    Ave
Killawatt                        4      1      0     0     49    12.250
Bottleneck                     3      1      0     1     34     11.333
GingaPrince                   4      1      1     1     40     10.000
Wee Rambo                  4      1      0     0     27      6.750
The Raiser                     4      0      2     1     45     11.250
Petawatt                        4      0      0     0     45     11.250
The Gynaecologist         3      0      1     0     33     11.000
Sea Cock                      1      0      0     0      5       5.000
Daddy Dunkbucket        2     0      0     1      9       4.500

Feel free to keep an eye on your totals and double check my sums. If I get anything wrong I'll update it asap.

Saturday 31st March

Kev at the 2007 WSoP

Modifications to original text in yelly.

Killawatt stormed back into Championship contention last night at the Rare Books Arena. A rollicking performance in the face of stern opposition had his worldwide fan base on their feet whooping in adoration as he squeezed the last chips from the only remaining challenger, your humble scribe, to chalk up his first victory in the 2012 competition.

As the blinds increased to 2,000/4,000, Killawatt held about 3.5x the big blind while The Raiser had the big blind + 100. All-in was immediately reached and the Champ's A-10 held up against The Raisers 9-3 suited.

For Killawatt it ends three matches without a victory whilst its another case of what might have been for The Raiser who brought his A-game for the second match in a row. Unfortunately, when it does surface, it seldom hangs around and normal mid-table service will probably soon resume for the Peni-Hellmuth.

By this point Aces Duncan sporting an unlucky and overall pretty uninspiring new blouse had long since vacated. Playing cards of incredible looseness (politest way I can think to put it) he barely lasted seconds as he chucked half his chips at Bottleneck with a middling flush (J-high) whilst the host held Q-high.(the A was on the board). Unperturbed, soon after when The Raiser checked his AA and was pot raised by the in-a-hurry Corstorphinite, a pot re-raise wasn't enough to stop Thunderfunk piling all his chips behind an A9 off-suit. The silence around the table was broken only when a small voice tried to offer support mentioning that three 9's would help him, three 9's dialled on the phone maybe!!!

Seemingly unable to stay in the match if nobody is shouting at him to stay in the match, Willie WarmBeer (aka Wee Rambo) soon followed. In a hand of potential mass carnage involving;

Wee Rambo enraged at bad beat

Wee Rambo - AJ suited
Bottleneck - KQ suited
Killawatt - AQ offsuit
GingaStinga - AK offsuit

...the latter pair managed to extricate themselves from the impending bloodbath after raises & re-raises from the first pair (after much high pitched whining of course). Such a major move so early blew up in the fizog of the fearless Mini-Stallone and he was left fiddling menacingly with his weapons in an all too familiar early exit position.

The next victim of the cairds in 6th place was GingaRadge at the end of a noticeably more subdued performance than normal. While he ended up all-in with A4 v Bottleneck also with A4, the hosts cairds were suited and as the river came, life imitated art as GingaStinga pleaded with the poker gods not to end it like this.

Not like this...

It was reminiscent to this observer of the scene in The Matrix when Cypher pulls the plug on Switch as she pleadingly mutters "not like this". The cairds were brutal, the river brought a flush for Bobbybawbag and in a rebel ship somewhere deep within the earth's crust The Ginga Prince's lifeless corpse slumped to the floor (ok, the last bit might not have happened). Then there were five.

Eat this Turner!!!

Those not in attendance on the night should now prepare to hold their sides as they may soon begin to split. Those who did attend are surely already pi$$ing their pants once more. The Doctor, the exalted Brain of the table, the wisest of the lot almost knocked himself unconscious on a howfing great big lump of ignominy that suddenly appeared over his supersonic cranium. Having endured a round of checking, The Doctor made a tidy raise. Petawatt folded, Killawatt folded, The Raiser folded. The Doctor, jumping to the conclusion that the hand was over reached for the pot and declared the table to be populated by a "bunch of pussies". But Bottleneck was still in and didn't need a Poker A-Z to interpret that little snippet of info. The Doctor held Q8 with the 8 being top pair. Bottleneck trumped this with an A8 and the pussies could hardly contain themselves as the 2010 champion exited the game in 5th. Toot toot!!!

To this point Petawatt had been unleashing his new style on the PP$. Not content to solidly reach 2nd or 3rd place before bleeding dry, some (almost) aggressive betting had propelled him into contention. On the button he called with 5-5, Killawatt folded the small and The Raiser was delighted to be allowed to see the flop with his 2-3 offsuit. When the flop came down 3-3-10, The Raiser naturally checked, The Fur Warrior raised, The Raiser re-raised Petawatt all-in (leaving myself a single chip) and was most pleased when Petawatt called it. The last two cards were dud and two bad moves in one hand ended the Petawatts participation.

Killawatt had spent a while skirting around all-in territory but was handed a value chance v Bottleneck when he called in a troublesome spot against a raise that offered Killa enough value to call, his top pair held up (against heehaw) and his double-up was effectively fatal for the Bottlenecks chances. Soon after Killawatt reluctantly turned off Bottlenecks life support when he called the Bottlenecks K-3 with a 9-2 suited and the flop brought a flush for Mr I-know-the-odds-but-never-seem-to-get-shafted-by-them.

It's still too soon to tell if Bottleneck has lost his endgame after its single appearance- watch this space.
Then it was heads-up which lasted a wee while before the timer and the blinds brought down the final curtain. Four games, four winners, table to follow later in the week.

1. Killawatt
2. The Raiser
3. Bottleneck
4. PETAwatt
5. The Doctor
6. Ginga Prince
7. Wee Rambo
8. Dunkin Donut

Apologies: The Damage (teleporter still on the blink), The Professor (better things to do than donate a fiver to Kev), Sea Cock (unable to break through Gilmerton front line).