2012 Championship Game Report - Saturday 5th January

What else needs said?

GingaRadge is the 2012 PP$ Champion after he held off the challenge of The Doctor & Killawatt at the C&FW Services Colosseum on Saturday 5th January. He made sure of the title by not just outlasting both challengers, but scooping the whole shebang sealing a win in the game on the night itself. Two trophies for the price of one!!! Mrs Radge will be delighted!!!

The match was in disarray as kick off approached. The Baptist pulled out as someone somewhere was paying him money to do something, thus cutting the traditional 10 player game down to 9. Wee Rambo was in doubt due to a bout of lurgy and then Dunderfunk called off due to a flush of the plague that intermittently seeps out of Gorgie into other parts of Edinburgh. Seven players in the Tenner Game???

In haste I made a call and raised The Bonfire from his domestic duties and into the white heat of the PP$ decider taking us back up to 8. Then after shaping my special poker whiskers I made a call to the host to say I was on my way to be told that both Dunderfunk and Wee Rambo were present and champing at the bit to get underway. Whoopee, we were back up to the magical 10.

A round of Bucks Fizz Bombs for the fatties with Lychee & Champers or Lychee & Energy (as yet unnamed Bombs) for those on a diet, excitement levels were raised to fever pitch as Petawatt drew the Jack, kicked off the dealing duties and we were underway.

PP$ - Now even more Gingery

There was some early chip nicking by Dunderfunk & the GingaPrince whilst the stacks of title hopefuls Killawatt & The Doctor began to shorten. I joined the latter as once again my gentemanly card playing got rottweilered by the God's of Poker who still won't tell me what I've done to upset them so much. Holding 88 and with a flop of 3-2-3 I was faced with a decent raise by Petawatt. Re-raising about 2.5x and 30% or so of my chips intending to attempt to scare off anything less than 2's, 3's or A's, he thought for a while and re-raised the pot again which obviously meant I quickly folded my middling pair. He showed AA. First time they're dealt all night, I get 8's in the same hand and it's none other than the man I'm up against for the wooden spoon who gets them. I huffily scolded his congratulators. Although he played them well under The Gentleman's onslaught and they weren't the nuts, they were the best cards and they did hold up (when an unrequested rabbit chase was quickly delivered).

In the main there was enough cageyness to keep everyone in. Those with shrinking stacks shutting up shop to keep what they had left with the bigger piles happy to sit and wait. This continued to and beyond the break, but eventually the carnage had to begin. The flames of the ensuing carnage were stoked somewhat with the addition of the new favourite tipple of the Bomb Bros, the Crazy Mofo Bomb containing Absinthe & Champagne. Ya dancer.

The first faller was one time 2012 contender, the Sea Cock. Having little option but to back an AQ suited he locked horns with the GingaRadge who'd tripped 9's on the flop. The turn gave Sea Cock a flush draw, but he missed and was left with more time than the rest of us to plot his assault on the 2013 Championship.

The end of Killawatts season

The Doctor was next to take the all-in challenge. His KK was called by GingaRadge who, with 22, had a brave but futile stab at knocking out a title rival there and then. Instead it was a double up and The Dr was back in the match and the title.

Instead it was the other contender, Killawatt who exited in 9th place, relinquishing his dreams of a 6th PP$ crown. Ahead with 99 when the cards were turned over pre-flop, The Bonfire had called him, but two 10's on the flop to go with the A-10 in The Bonfire's hand had Killawatt on Bomb making duties for the rest of the evening. It was quite a supine departure from a player whose high pitched emittances are usually so clear after anything approaching an unlucky beat they can be easily heard by traffic on the bypass. But the poker fire that used to burn so deeply within his paunch seems to have taken a dousing after his recent domination of the PP$. Maybe a tad harsh on someone with three wins, but nowhere anywhere does it say I have to be scrupulously fair.

8th place and the wooden spoon for 2012 was reserved for your humble narrator. Unusually I wasn't beaten from behind, instead I avoided any glimmer of good fortune by pushing my J-10 against the KQ of GingaRadge. He hit a Q straight away and I was left to aid Killawatt on the Bombs.

Wee Rambo left in 7th. Since arriving in the PP$ he's made great progress. Aware of odd's, not lacking in bravery he's been in contention more than his fair share of times. There's a but coming though isn't there??? But. His exit on Saturday is one of those bitch slaps money just canny buy. Delighted to see his AK against Petawatt's A3, once Petawatt had made his low straight Wee Rambo was left trying to work out how the heck that had come about. Only experience can make your logical, theoretical reasonings seem like a load of baloney. Once he's had a real life shafting with all the guid hands we'll see what sort of player comes out the other end. Unfortunately we all have to go through it.

Somewhat surprisingly, having had few chips or winning hands all night, Bottleneck was still in contention. Immediately after the exit of Wee Rambo, he found himself all-in v The Doctor and managed to double up. So it was The Bonfire who fell out of the game in 6th. With the flop and the river out his 66 was still ahead of GingaRadge's A8. The river was an 8 and the Radge marched on.

But Bottlenecks's time came next. Low on chips he decided a K2 was his best shot and came up against A8. By the time his K came on the river, it'd been made redundant by the A on the flop and Bottleneck's 2012 season was over.

Futile attempts to escape a nickname

Originally his 'Bottleneck' moniker was supremely apt, however for a few years now it has been completely unrelated to his play. Other extreme examples of delayism are much more regularly on display. It would be rude to name names of course so Petawatt, The Doctor and Sea Cock shall remain nameless. And yet. And yet. Season after season I bang my head off the table in frustration as these unnamed delayers appear to undergo mid-match lobotomies. Unable to know when it's their turn to deal, to play, or how much it is to play when you get them that far, for one game, I imbibe a Bomb or two more than is conducive to knowing it's my turn and in the face of all logic the table, including some of those I've refused to name had the cheek, nay temerity (or as Cartman might say, temeritaah), to insist on the shifting of the name Bottleneck onto your humble scribe. I am famously difficult to wind up and have let this scurrilous group idiocy wash over me without notice. Disgrace.

Where were we? Aha, onto 4th place. While the whole shire knows Bottleneck lacks an endgame, the same is increasingly apparent with Petawatt. The main difference is Petawatt will often make it to the last two or three in a 7-8 player game and it was in 4th position he alighted here. After The Doctor had doubled up with a J-10 that saw JJxxx10 come out on the board, Dunderfunk had a major double up that floored Petawart (that's a pure typo I've decided to keep). His Q9 poo'd on Petawatt's A-10 making the latter decide to push blind next hand with as it turned out an 8-2 off suit that was beaten to a pulp by an A-10 pre-flop and AAA post flop. 9th place finisher Killawatt then bent the ear about playing for position when 4 players are left and there's a prize for 3rd etc refinding the compassionate style of his which we all know, love and frequently belittle and/or are subjected to.

So we were down to three and the Championship was still undecided. GingaRadge was in the lead in every way (chips, on the night, championship etc) whilst the Doctor was bringing up the rear (fnarr as they say where he comes from). In amongst it was the man from Corstorphine who I was geeing up as a smasher of championship dreams for someone.

Then came call of the night doubling up as call of the whole goddang season. As I whirred the words 'no pressure' around the room first to act GingaRadge was raised big by the Doctor holding a K6 suited. After a good deal of thought Gingle Berries decided to have a look and was delighted to see what his K-10 suited was up against. A great raise, a great call and the Championship leaders luck held as he hit a full house. The Doctor was out in third with 20 jungle tokens in his back pocket to soften the blow and the GingaStinga was the new champion.

The news trickles through to Gingaland

The match itself was decided soon after in the most typical of circumstances. The new Champ went all the way with 22 (sooo not like him readers) against Dunderfunk's K-10 suited and when nothing was revealed to help either of them meaning the ducks held up, the 2012 champion could finally relax and enjoy the not unsubstantial trappings of his new title - Championship Trophy, Championship Match Trophy and 100 shekels. The Corstorphinite left with 30 jungle tokens that should be put straight towards vaccine's for his offspring from the terrible Gorgie Plague.

New game soon, keep an eye on your emails and I'll see you there.

Result

1. GingaRadge
2. Dunderfunk
3. The Doctor
4. Petawatt
5. Bottleneck
6. The Bonfire
7. Wee Rambo
8. The One True Gentleman of Poker
9. Killawatt
10. Sea Cock

Apologies: The Damage (no direct Connecticut to Penicuik bus service). The Baptist (arbeit macht frei). Dunderfunk (apologies withdrawn due to actual attendance).

2012 - Final Table

Qualification = 9 games
                                                    P      W     2nd     L     Pts     Ave
Ginger Radge                              15      5        3       3     172     11.467
The Doctor                                  14      3        4        1     177     12.643
Killawatt                                      15      3        0        0      164     10.933
Sea Cock                                      9      2        0        1       83      9.222
Wee Rambo                                13     1        2        0      140     10.769
Bottleneck                                   14     1        1        6        81      5.786
Petawatt                                      16     0        2        0      166     10.375
The One True Gentleman            15     0       2       2       121     8.067


Dunderfunk                                  8      1       2       2         73       9.125
The Bonfire                                  1      0       0       0          9        9.000
The Baptist                                  3      0        0       2         8         2.667


Match report to follow...

2012 Championship Game - Pre Match Hype

More final table heartache for the GingaStinga???

OMG - It's only the 2012 Championship decider!!!

As is customary, the last game of the season is the first game of the subsequent calendar year. 2012 is yet to be decided.

Saturday 5th January
at
C&FW Services Colosseum.

Once again our sponsor is generously providing prizes. As in previous years, these will go to the 2nd & 3rd placed positions in the Showcase Game with first place snaffling the cash as is Written in the Great PP$ Book of Unwritten Rules!!! I'm sad to report that yet again we've been shunned by every single television broadcaster so the world will miss out on our particular brand of tasty caird action.

The current table is coming up, then some comment on what's at stake for the movers and shakers. I've also especially added the total points range/swing each player can achieve giving an idea how far up/down the placings each player can rise/fall.

Max - Assumes a win added to present totals
Min - Assumes a last place added to present totals

                                               P     W     2nd     L     Pts     Ave          (Max/Min)
Gingle Berries                        14     4       3       3     152     10.857     (11.467/10.133)
The Gynaecologist                 13     3       4       1     162     12.462     (13.000/11.571)
Killawatt                                 14     3       0       0     162     11.571     (12.133/10.800)
Sea Cock                                 8     2       0       0      83     10.375     (11.444/9.222)
Wee Rambo                           12     1       2       0     133     11.083     (11.769/10.230)
Bottleneck                              13     1       1       6       70      5.385     (6.429/5.000)
Petawatt                                 15     0       2       0     153     10.200     (10.813/9.563)
The One True Gentleman       14     0       2       2     116     8.286     (9.067/7.733)

The Former Blouse                   7     1       1       2      56     8.000     (9.500/7.000)
The Baptist                                3     0       0       2       8      2.667     (7.000/2.000)

Or will the GingaRadge be laughing all the way to the engravers?

16 games have been played this season making the golden HalfPlusOne mark 9, therefore Dunderfunk is just squeezed out of qualification for the overall final table.

Petawatt will have played the most games in 2012.

Bottleneck has had a disaster, but the one win means he cannot finish last. The Gentleman must win to avoid the wooden spoon, it's between him and Petawatt and he can't catch the latter on points swing alone.

If The Gentleman does win, GingaRadge would win the trophy, which would obviously also be the case if GingaRadge wins on the night.

There are two other players in contention, serial champion Killawatt or one time winner The Doctor. If either of them win on the night, they'll walk away with our spangly monument to poker greatness. Not literally of course because they'll both be kipping in the venue that night. Gingle Berries requires a win by anyone EXCEPT that gruesome twosome on January 5th to lift The Trophy.

Should Dr Gynaecologist win the match and therefore the championship, it will be a phenomenal three year run. Champion in 2010, wooden spoon in 2011, can he go from hero to zero to hero again this season? Nicknames involving yo-yo's are massing on my horizon.

With a combined appearances total of 27, 2012 has basically been owned by The Doctor and GingaPrince who have been heads up or better 14 times between them. Killawatt has only made the last two on three occasions, but has somehow done enough to stay right in contention as we reach the season decider.

Wee Rambo has struggled to turn his good showings into hard championship contending stats but will surely be quite happy with his first full season in our exalted company.

Without looking back on previous seasons, I suspect this is Sea Cock's best ever finish, a win could even propel him higher up the final table. At this stage the blog must retract it's previous aspersions on his good name (they already have been in person, but the internet must also be told). He was a no-show at the last game through no fault of his own, but because the Colosseum staff overlooked his invite. Would never have happened in the Albion Road days.

So, the wooden spoon and trophy are undecided and the excitement levels could hardly be higher.

Formerly The Damage, now it's Fiscal Cliff

Hopefully our honorary member, the stateside President Cliff Fiscal will be able to drop in during the munchie break for a chat. I'm sure he sends his best wishes.

All the best from your humble scribe too. Remember your shirts!!! See you there.

PS: There appears to be a statistical inaccuracy in the table. The last place finishes column totals 16 when only 15 games have been played. Please check your results and let me know who I've added the extra ignominious marker to!!!

Result - 15/12/2012

Heads-up poker, Gynaecologist v Wee Rambo

1. The Gynaecologist

2. Wee Rambo

3. The Killa

4. The One True Gentleman

5. Petawatt

6. The Baptist

7. Ginger Implosion

8. Santanders Claus (only shows up once a year)

9. Bottleneck

10. C Koch.

Apologies: President Damage (Raiding Macy's), The Professor (Bothering Borderers), Rob's French Mate that played once and hated Sarkozy (France).

No Apologies, Just Ignorant No Showism: Sea Cock.

Nine players took part in the penultimate game of the season at Kev's Colosseum last Saturday and things could hardly have set up the 2012 Championship Game in early January any better.

I say nine, there were of course ten places set to begin with, but the Tenth Man, in this age of blanket electronic communication opportunities was unable to relay his non-attendance in any way. The host was visibly upset at this brazen rudeness and had to be talked down from a nearby tree before the match could commence. Typical Eskhill/Gilmerton slumdog behaviour I must say, nothing a good thrashing couldn't put right!!!

As is tradition within these pages, the winner of the battle is treated with whatever the opposite of kid gloves are (Granny mittens?). I'm reluctant to be too harsh this time though, preferring to keep my spare ire as usual for Petawatt for some as yet to be understood subconscious reason. Firstly because the twat wot won put me out en route, which gives me some sort of claim to being the second best player on the night despite finishing fourth. And secondly, because the manner of his victory, relying on luck above skill, hitting his own cards and dodging those of everyone else, is my preferred manner of victory every three years or so. It's reassuring to know that skill isn't always the main factor in victory.

All underhand tactics welcome

In his own words, the first man ejected summarised his night as "Guid cairds, nae luck". Two nines in the hand done for the Bottleneck against QQ in the grubby paws of the Doctor and we were down to eight. Rumours abound that Bottleneck will be spending next summer in the States at Poker Boot Camp to reinvigorate his play.

8th place was accepted by Dunderblouse. Commuting these days from just north of Reykjavik has limited his participation in the last year or so and when he has made it across the ocean's and range's he's had to turn round and head straight home again more or less as he takes off his Parka. In a bid to eradicate all opposition in quick time the shady Icelander brought a bottle of Absinthe to add to the Bomb ingredients we've accumulated. Tipping the scales at 55% the Bomb Bros held off until after the break before having to sample the poison. By then it was too late for the former Blouse. Holding a flush draw the assembled PP$'rs were cock-a-hoop when The Baptist 'Aced Aces' by tripping his A on the flop, a favourite ploy of the former from yesteryear.

The Championship race was then blown wide open. The GingaPrince is imploding before our very eyes in the style of Kevin Keegan back in 95-96. A PP$ resignation in the toilets might not be far off taking this particular analogy two football steps too far for most of the attendees. GingaPrince, pushing with a KJ v Killawatt who paired a 6 to send the Championship Leader into a deep dark hole of doubt. Are we going to witness final table pain akin to his 2010 heartbreak? As it stands (overall table will be 'released prior to the Championship Game), he still sits top with four victories, but Killawatt and The Doctor with three wins and better averages are right in the hunt with a game to play.

With two last place finishes in his first two appearances in our shark pit, The Baptist was in dire need of some improvement and found it as he made it past the Munchy Break for the first time alighting in 6th place. My memory and notes are unclear although I think he left clutching a low flush after previously coming back from the dead in a hand v The Doctor.

Petawatt who is desperately trying to find the win that'll guarantee me the Overall Wooden Spoon in 2012 perished next in 5th. The Doctor hit the river with a K to clobber the former's A5. There could be a few of us signing up to that boot camp next summer!!!

Then it was my turn. Again it was The Pussy Doctor who lucked out. My K4 hit a K on the flop, as did his K6. Once all the cards were out the 6 counted and I went into a huff for 5 minutes trying not to catch site of his beaming mug.

With three players left, GingaRadge was hoping Killawatt didn't win to take the overall lead for the year. If he'd have hung about he'd have been delighted as The Doctor produced an AK v Killawatt's A7 and the reigning champion had to leave the table just as the money joined.

Which God do/don't you believe in again?

On pint night in the Croon on Wednesday, a whimpering Little Rambo beseeched me to report sympathetically on his second place finish feeling he'd been somewhat hard done by. This is akin to Rupert Murdoch pleading for a fair trial when he's eventually dragged before Justice. If you dish it out when it's going your way it is most unbecoming to squeal like a pig when the great Flying Poker Spaghetti Monster deign's to anoint another. I quelled my opprobrium, until now.

Being a tad fair, maybe he was referring to hands such as his J7 v Q4. On the flop came a 7, then a 4 before the river turned out to be a Q. Maybe he has a case as that would have been the winning hand, instead Dr Pussy doubled up and ultimately used another Q4 to gub Rambo's A8.

Like all winners, The Doctor was unbearable in victory with the assembled crowd vehemently disagreeing with any assessment he made of his performance. It does however move him up to three wins alongside Killawatt, both with a better average than Four Wins Gingle Berries making the last game of 2012 a three-way tussle for the trophy.

Result - 24/11/2012

It is well and truly squeaky bum time in the Palace of the Ginger Prince as his two game lead was slashed to just one by a resurgent Killawatt on Saturday evening. Not just that but the regal pretender was unceremoniously dumped out in 7th with only Bottleneck to break his fall!!!

This looks like a job for the Superman Bomb!!!

1. Killawatt
2. Thunderfunk
3. Dino the Vino
4. The Gentleman
5. Wee Rambo
6. Petawatt
7. GingaRadge
8. Bottleneck

With a screaming little miracle due to thunk into a bucket in the new year (© Bill Hicks), this was billed as the last game ever scheduled to take place at the Rare Books Arena. Patrons didn't appear too perturbed, in this age of retiral's and comebacks (Hatton, Schumacher, Jordan, Streisand), a withdrawal of service usually isn't worth the Nexus it's typed on. Nonetheless a backup venue was immediately sought with Wee Rambo announcing he'd be more than happy to create a clearing in his jungle for some caird battles next season. Naming rights still available.

With an eye on marking the end of the Rare Books era, the Bomb Bros ensured proceedings would go swimmingly by supplying ingredients and receptacles for the latest Bombz. The evening was kicked off for the non-drivers with the newly devised Superman Bomb (see above pic). This led us directly into the first hand as one Bomb too many was poured, meaning the victor in the 1st hand would get the spare and be two whole Bombz to the good before the start of the second hand. Bombtastic!!!

Combining my skinflint tendencies and my alcohol problems, I was swiftly installed as favourite for that first hand and took it down with a minimum of fuss. Might be an idea to pretend there is drink for the victor of all hands from now on.

The soon to be mothballed Rare Books Arena

Sounding an early warning of things to come Killawatt drew first blood by eliminating the host with a full house on the flop in the last hand before the break. Bottleneck's big slick took a right hiding before stating to your blogger to note in the match report that "Bottleneck is unhappy with his luck". This is about as apeshit as I've seen him get.

The curse of the best hand soon did for the GingaRadge too. Looking good with two big dirty Kings against Dunderfunk's 10-10 his disgust was evident when a third 10 appeared. His Power Rangers, toy car and favourite teddy bear were slung across the table and Petawatt had to fetch the tissue while the rest of us cleared up his discarded toys.

While Gingle Berries cooled off on the naughty step Petawatt exited in 6th with a KJ against The Doctors KK. Poker fate wasn't as cruel to the Dr's Kings and the game was sad to see an unusually alert Petawatt join the casualty list. It was pointed out that this blog has historically been harsh on my closest wooden spoon contender, for that I do not apologise. All ire is earned, any praise is usually an oversight.

A particularly ugly threesome then took place between Killawatt, Wee Rambo and The Man with No Nickname. The latter was chip boss, Killawatt was all -in and in deep trouble whilst Wee Rambo put bravery before cowardice and shoved nobly. Killawatt had the best hand taking the side pot and getting a big double up, which wouldn't be the last time on the night. This left Wee Rambo against Dunderfunk in the main pot with WR being sucked out by a low kicker, Dunderfunk having "forgot about the side pot aspect".

So all of a sudden I was in the top four, not quite playing the game of my life, but almost enjoying the cairds for once. It wasn't to last. An A4 prompted The Gentleman to push all-in, Killawatt (not a gentleman) raised with an A5, but was gazumped by The Doctor with an AK and forced to fold, as you'd expect, wittering on about what the Dr should have done. Knocking me out and winning the hand obviously not good enough for the Hairy Oracle.

Dunderfunk, looking to put himself out having overran his pass, got busy with 89 clubs and met Killawatt in pocket Cowboys mode. Hitting a flush on the turn left Killa needing a 2, 5, 7, K or club to knock out the Dunderfunk, he missed and suddenly we had a big chip leader.

With three players left there was now a run of big clashes. Dunderfunk trying to go home, The Doctor waiting on good cards and Killawatt in amongst it probably playing the best poker.

Dunderfunk 66 v Killa AK all-in - AK both came, big double up

With the blinds now at 500/1000 The Doctor went out in third, Dunderfunk still trying to go home moving in with 34 suited hit a 4 v The Doctor's A9 suited and Dr Consistency was no more.

Dunderfunk soon had Killa all in with a Q9 against J7, but nobody hit a thing and Killa again had a big double up. Soon they were locking horns again. Killa emerged victorious with another big double up as his 44 turned into a straight against J3. Soon Killa's 44 tripped to overcome a JJ this time leaving the former Blouse floundering badly. But he was right back in it when an A7 was far too good for A4.

While such a ding dong is exciting in most sports, the vanquished spectators were beginning to bore somewhat. Another factor, with your scribe about 6 Bombs and 3 cans into the evening, not forgetting the sundry impediments to lucidity, all this was becoming quite difficult to accurately or legibly document and I was relieved when a conclusion was finally reached. Killawatt's A5 was all over Dunderfunk's 10-5 and the money was staying in the Cuik!!!!

Au revoir to Le Rare Books Arena. Can the GingaPrince hold on for another title, although he is no stranger to a last day crash and burn either? Will Killawatt retain his crown? Will The Doctor be able to have a final say in matters? More importantly, who will 'win' the widden spin???

Championship Table

The Gentleman's position (geddit?)

The Doctor moves up one place at the expense of Sea Cock and Killawatt after his latest victory now giving GingaRadge a third reason to keep looking over his shoulder as he pursues the trophy. Despite appearances to the contrary, the Doctor's record of six top-two finishes in 11 games suggests either he is indeed a canny player, or alternatively the rest of us just canny play. I speak at least for myself in this last respect. However it has been noted that my prescription at the beginning of Heids-up in the last game that he should down his Bomb forthwith to help increase either his chances of winning or negation of pain in the case of a defeat quite spectacularly propelled him to the 'W'.

Conversely to The Doctor, Petawatt, a seeming paragon of clever consistency at the table finds himself languishing winless and too close to the wooden spoon for comfort. Indeed, if anyone beats me to the wooden spoon after the form and luck I've unbeknowingly inflicted upon myself, they'll have to seriously consider their future in cairds altogether.

Half Plus One = 7

Gingle Berries                       12    4    3    3    145   12.083
Dr Doctor                              11    2    4    1    128   11.636
Killawatt                                 12    2    0    0    127   10.583
Sea Cock                                8     2    0    0     83    10.375
Wee Rambo                           10    1    1    0    106   10.600
Bottleneck                               11    1    1    4     70     6.364
Petawatt                                  13    0    2    0    138   10.615
The One True Gentleman      12    0    2    2     93     7.750

Next game is scheduled for the Rare Books Arena on Saturday 24th November I do believe. Sadly this will most likely be the last game at aforementioned venue due to previous nocturnal shenanigans (purely a euphemism, activities may well have been during daylight).

Saturday 27th October - Result

Dr Victorious

1. The Gynaecologist
2. Ginga Radge
3. Wee Rambo
4. Sea Cock
5. Killawatt
6. Petawatt
7. The One True Gentleman
8. Bottleneck

Apologies: The Damage (Eastern Seaboard), Hurricane Andy (Eastern Seaboard), L.I.Am (In the studio), The Prof (almost totally retired).

As the end of the season and the exalted Championship Game loom into sight, playaz begin to get a bit twitchy around this time of year. With the publication of an up to date Championship Table before the game all manner of permutations swill around inside the mostly empty bonce's of the PP$ massive.

When an inanimate plastic button just won't do

The Raj of Gingia finds himself atop the 2012 rankings and within sight of a first championship for between 2-7 years (stats office is closed on a Sunday as I write this, if indeed you can classify this as writing). It is often said she holds only a Plan A (a rather decent Plan A, but one single plan nonetheless) and her stats bear this out somewhat. After this game she has now played 12 games and finished 1st, 2nd or last in 10 of them. A high risk strategy that might pay off in poker, but maybe think twice about getting in this dude's motor should you have designs on ultimately reaching your destination.

Early excitement was provided with the introduction of an all-singing, all-dancing new dealer chip, see photo.

Whilst all players survived until after the break (The Baptist & The Prof not in attendance & Ginga Radge not getting a good enough all-in hand til post-munchies) it was Bottleneck who was out the traps early accumulating the first decent chipstack. Famous from Cornbank to Reno for not having an endgame, this didn't concern many at the table and not long after saying he was yet to hear a Savile joke, then being bombarded by some, he was, metaphorically at least, like Sir Jimmy, lying six feet under in an unmarked grave.

The One True Gentleman, who is vying with Bottleneck for the wooden spoon, continued on his teary run of form.  The very next hand after Bottleneck's demise the former Raiser was all-in with 77 and up against two players with aces. Being ahead at this stage, just like being behind at this stage means The Gentleman is going to lose. Another Ace appeared and I finished 3rd in a hand I was leading when I pushed. Christ even I'm bored stupid with my hard luck stories now.

The next hand saw a Watt-off. Brunette Watt, on a granny shoved all-in behind a 78 whilst Blonde Watt had to back his AQ. The former hit both his cards whilst dodging either of the latter's. While I may be bored stupid with my own hard luck stories, YET AGAIN, WHY THE HELL CAN'T I HOLD UP OR GET LUCKY LIKE THIS, EVER, never mind from behind like Brunette Watt here??? Drives me mad.

With consecutive hands knocking out Bottleneck, then The Gentleman, then Killawatt surviving an all-in, just two hands later it was Petawatt's turn to seek the exit. His AQ v Ginga Radge's AQ looked OK until the Radge hit his flush on the river. It really was Deathsville!!!

Killawatt soon got a taste of what it's like to be The Gentleman shoving his stack behind 88. Sea Cock fancied a K4 for some reason, hit his K and the Watt clan lay slain on the field of battle.

By now, just like a couple of games ago, the Ginga Prince had sat patiently with rubbish cards all night before now beginning to hit hand after hand and building a chip empire to match. His overall lead came when his 33 held up against a flush chasin Dr with A9.

Sea Cock, who is trying to get a new nickname with a sweary word in it past the censors of this blog (me) left the game in 4th place. Forced into action with an A6, the A-10 of the new chip leader beat him up good.

This left two potential winners and a patsy in the shapes of Ginga Radge, Wee Rambo & The Doctor of Doodling. Wee Rambo, not working at 4am, left the game in 3rd place after his KQ met a 67 and the flop came 10-9-8 making it cash on the table time.

Championship Leader Gingle Berries was massive favourite at this point with 15,200 chips to the Doctor's 1600. Unfortunately I forget what the blinds were. But it didn't look good for the Doctor who until now, rather unusually, had managed to avoid hoying all his chips in behind cock-all on a mad whim. No doubt this would happen soon.

Heads up Spab Boy action

Spectators were soon diving for cover as the wheels spectacularly began falling off of the Flame Haired bandwagon. First The Doctor hit a higher straight to double up. Then all-in with AJ he met a AK but hit a J (again, I refer you back to my years of bad luck, this does not happen to The One True Gentlemen, thank goodness for all of us I never go on about it). Then the Doctor had 10-10 and found himself against 6-6 and tripped a 10. The Championship Leader was floundering badly by now. Even when he scrambled some chips back and the overall stacks were even enough, the psychological game was done and dusted and it only seemed a matter of time until his ultimate demise. It came when his 55 found The Doctor holding AQ suited. An A duly arrived, the game was over and an unlikely win fell into the lap of The Gynaecologist. Any delusions that he played well or worse, 'deserved' the win can be easily countered by referring back to his AJ v AK win. Loocky, loocky bastid!!!!

Result - Saturday 6th October

The Baptist's bro

1. Gingle Berries
2. Bottleneck
3. Wee Rambo
4. The Raizerio
5. Sea Cock
6= Killawatt
6= Petawatt
8. The Dr
9. The Baptist

This week, at Kev's Colosseum, as part of my continuing expiation of past poker sins I once more subjected myself to continued strafing by the Gods of Poker.

Article Aid

How the fudge was that for an opening line my poker playing cohorts????? Due to the late completion of this match report I have endeavoured to push out the proverbial boat and extol a game description from some higher realm.

My spell in poker purgatory appears to be nearing it's cessation as those aforementioned and very fickle deities allowed me to rise to the giddy heights of fourth (4th) place making my attendance almost (almost) worthwhile for once.

Ah if only The Raizerio hadn't been able to make it, surmised The Baptist, who got stabbed in the front in a fateful hand where your humble and increasingly gentlemanly narrator escaped serious injury in an early all-in manscrap to the poker death.

With successive regeneration from JackSix to The Raiser through The Raizerio I now appear to have settled in my new form as The One True Gentleman of Poker. Whilst L.I.Am suffered an early exit holding 66677 to my 77766, my hand was not the Nuts with a shining bullet lurking on the flop and his long considered call to my all-in re-raise sent a tremor of trepidity amongst my very being. But I did not shed a tear for his pickle for in a game of poker, emotion is left at the door along with your weapon.

Amongst this hand of mortal fate the condescension so often oozing from the pores of the Killawatt bubbled to the surface. A thorough slab of wisdom was awarded, gratis, to Scotland's only member of the Blackeyedpeas amid-hand whilst fully amidst The Gentleman's crosshairs. Whilst The One True Gentleman was asked for his permission prior to the dissemination of Killawatt's pansophy, your poor humble scribe was placed within an instant predicament. To agree to allow the advice was a humongous tell. To disagree would emit an equally humongous tell. Your author wonders about the magnitude of the explosion that would have taken place had these tables been turned around upon the former legendary champion herself. But no harm done from this perspective, The Baptist was out and The Gentleman had won his second hand in 4 years.

In a nine player game there are two paths to tread. Either undertake an early program of wealth accumulation by knocking people out and/or winning mukka-chukka hands or simply hang on for grim death. After Mr Am's early fatality each competitor adopted the latter strategy and so everybody seemed to bleed dry of their lifechips leaving a few vulnerable seats.

The Doctor was amidst these benighted peoples, usually at the behest of continual reminders from the other players not to risk anything rash. This inadvertently resulted in never winning anything worthwhile. His last hurrah was an all-in push with that most comical of hands, the old J-6. But the slayer of recent games past, Ol' Sea Penis himself matched the Doctor's chips and revealed A-6. The Doctor required urgent medical assistance, but was treated like a lame horse, Sea Cock's bullet finishing him off.

Seventh position remained vacant this day as the next victim was a double homicide by the Bottleneck. Both Watt's had AK, Sea Cock stayed interested astride A-10 while Bottleneck kept royal company with the King and his Queen. The only card to help anyone was another Q and the victor declared himself the Wattanator!!! While Killawatt's form has been relatively indifferent of late, this was the first time Petawatt had finished outside the top 3 since 1897.

Wee Rambo's Hope Diamond

The doublekill almost developed into an all out bloodbath the very next hand. Ginga Radge piled all-in with AK and found himself up against 66 held by the jungle running, helicopter flying, knife stabbing Wee Rambo. But a K appeared keeping the soon to be Ice Road Trucker lived to truck another day.

So 5th place was reserved for Sea Cock as his status decamped from 'Still in' to 'Oot' in a hand with shades of that which ended the participation of The Doctor. With little option other than hope for the best with a J7, Ginga Prince extinguished the fishy lifeblood of the sailing Sea Cock with a decisive K7 and then there were four.

And I was somehow still one of them. As was Bottleneck. But with Wee Rambo (lucky) and Ginga Radge (trucky) making up the four, we already knew we wouldn't be able to win.

Gingle Berries listening material

I utilised all the gumption I've shown recently by manufacturing a position where I was all in with J2. It was no match for the Q8 of Bottleneck and the weaklings of the foursome succeeded in making the ultimate goal of victory even easier for the two favourites when Queenboy hit another 8. Now that I am The One True Gentleman of Poker, I do not point out that I never hit in these positions while always suffering exactly the opposite when my opponent hits cards he usually doesn't even require.

A spectacular mash up ensued at the next crossroads when Wee Rambo pushed his remaining wealth behind 4-5 of diamantes. The Prince couldn't avoid the showdown with his QQ. By the cessation of the hand Penicuik's very own Sly Stallone impersonator had hit two Hope Diamonds before the appearance of a third Killer Queen.

Liquid Lunch

Online betting closed immediately as this pitted GingaTomatoSoupAddict against eighteen times married Bottleneck in a heads-up bitch slap that was only going to have one winner. The latter flew at the former with 77 (diamonds and clubs) but was beaten back down with 88 (diamonds and clubs) as the weight of poker history refused to allow Bottleneck a second win of the season. The end soon arrived as Bottleneck's Q6 flapped to a slow and painful death, like a Mackerel in a Mackerel fisherman's creel. The Radge already had enough with a K3 and strode onto the winners podium with the arrival of an aggrandising 3.

Result - Saturday 22nd September

1. Gingle Berries

The Raiser (since March 2011)

2. Petawatt

3. Wee Rambo

4. Sea Cock

5. Killawatt

6. The Raizerio

7. Bottleneck

8. Dr Doctor

Apologies: The Damage (Babysitting), Player Formerly Known As Da Blouse (No excuse), Player Formerly Known As The Raiser (Still Sending Cheaper Mexican Equivalent Until Further Notice).

Any joy has long since been sucked out of this wretched game. So I embarked on the evening fully expecting to donate a fiver to an undeserving cause and hoping not to come last. By this criteria my evening was a raging success. Indeed, despite being about as hopeless, useless and rubbish as its possible to be, I still lasted longer than two other players.

With myself and Bottleneck struggling to find a winning hand between us, in the meantime The Doctor still managed to donate chips aplenty to the willing Watts. Petawatt was especially subsidised before The Doctor reached his panic phase. This is the phase he uses to exit every game he doesn't win. It goes something like:

• Lose a hand
• Get rubbish cards next hand
• Panic
• Go all in with nothing

This pattern was followed to the letter to the point that before his panic all-in bet had hit the baize, The Raizerio was exclaiming "Spunk, Spunk, Spunk alert, he's Spunking all his chips". He was called and if I recall correctly, had a 8 high.

So he transferred to shuffling and dealing duties whilst two other players were still wrestling with their granny. Eventually I was able to win a hand, my only one of the night. As I did, I noticed a small tear form in the corner of Bottlenecks eye and run down his cheek. By jove I'd broken him with a little help from Texas Hold'em. He was soon all in blind with a 3-4 off suit and a look of real hatred in his eyes as his challenge expired. It might have been tiredness, I get awfy confused.

So I've won one hand. Two fine players are out. Yet Sea Cock and Petawatt, somehow with decent chipstacks appear to be struggling with the simplest of instructions such as this:

GingaRadge: 240 to you Sea Cock

Sea Cock: (Thinks for an hour or so until the buzzer goes a couple of times, makes some funny noises)

The Raiser: You know its you yeah?

Sea Cock: Ahh its just so difficult, I can't work it out, how much is it to me.

The Raiser: (talking in caps now) TWOHUNDREDANDFORTYFFS, what's to work out?

Sea Cock: (makes some more funny noises)

The Raiser: You're so obviously going to fold, just fold, will you fold, please fold, I've got a wife and kids you know, I don't want to die this wayayayayay.

Sea Cock: (inevitably) Fold.

Earlier, we'd witnessed a hand that wouldn't be out of place in a 'How not to play poker' tutorial. The Doctor had already turned over his A-10 long before the conclusion of the hand giving him an almost unassailable A-high straight. The Cock o' the Sea contrived to be in the hand until the showdown when he at least got the 'when to turn your cards over' bit right. This is when the rest of the table noticed that he had a straight flush from K to 9 (I mean, how couldn't any competent player notice they had a straight flush?). Last to bet, with a straight flush (aka The Nuts), didn't raise. Astonishing.

Why the ire at people who consistently stay in longer than you but don't seem to know what they're doing Raizerio? Coz I had him by the danglies earlier in the night and he hit the river to win, and had the cheek to complain. Talk about pressing all my buttons at once. And after all that he still hasn't procured me a free boat despite insistent reminders. Really needs to get his finger out.

Cripes, almost forgot to whinge about my own exit. So there I was getting shocking cards all night, as you do, then the cheating dealer basturts cocked up and dealt me a pair of 8's by mistake. Needing three snookers by this stage to get out of trouble, I took my chance. This is where the witch entered the hand.

In former more enlightened times we used to burn these evil doers at the stake. Nowadays they hide behind names like 'Scientist' and 'Poker Pro'. Claiming to use some sort of twisted anti-intuition backed up with dirty little statistics, experiments and observation, the insidious Killawatt embarked on wrondoing twofold. Firstly he thought that it was sensible to call with a J4 off suit, but secondly and worse still, just chucked any sort of etiquette out the window. I mean how rude is it to win a hand with rotten cards against an honest fella playing genuinely and never once complaining when the cards don't go his way. A decent person would have mucked them there and then. I don't care what the experts say, when there are no manners left, we'd be as well just handing the keys over the the fanatics. Naturally, when the cards came, the evil dealer conspiracy had regained control of things. There wasn't a single 8 in sight, just a Joke, I mean Jack and The Raizerio was sent to sit in the corner.

So 6th place for me and 5th for the bitch that stuck the knife in. In a pot v Captain Birdseye both players held an A. Two A's on the flop ensured a fight to the bitter end, Killawatt eventually being out kicked. The sympathy around the table was non-existent after his earlier wild-eyed rantings along the lines of "I'm as honest as they come", to the mirth of those who know him best.

Killawatt's slayer, one time championship contender, Unabomber and general table-pisser-offer Sea Cock took his leave in 4th (are we still only at 4th place?). His K-10 suited avoided as many cards as Wee Rambo's A-9 off suit. Never one to avoid an opportunity to display his ignorance Mr Cock exited muttering the word "unbelievable". Aye, unbelievable if I'd been holding the A-9 (my good cards never hold up, my poor cards never come from behind, but as I keep saying, I never go on about it), but hardly 'unbelievable'.

By this point Petawatt, chip leader for the most part had frittered away many of the chips he'd taken from The Doc and elsewhere and was sitting in 3rd (regular readers will know that Petawatt has a fetish for silver and bronze medals and the clever chat (me) predicted more of the same. Wee Rambo was dancing on either side of the safe/unsafe divide whilst GingaStinga's evening was turning into one of those where you win 3 hands all night, then the last 3 hands and suddenly you're off home with the prize in your pocket.

The next fatality occurred after a Wee Rambo v Petawatt showdown. The former held 5-3 suited against 44. Nobody hit and we were down to Two.

There was a little bit of life left in the match, but not much. A6 (Ginga) v A4 (Peta) soon brought things to a head and when the radgest of the two paired his 6 on the flop, a fat lady began to sing.

Next game in a fortnight I believe. I'll get the overall table updated in the next few days.

Result - Saturday 1st September

Amazingly, these are not the most nutritious

As I was absent due to something mildly more entertaining happening elsewhere, the last game will not have the customary entertaining report from Mr Oomble Scribe. This post also has the potential to contain many factual inaccuracies as I am having to rely largely on second-hand testimony. I can verify the top 2, as I arrived as the game concluded, the rest of the placings were provided by Doc/Killa and they didn't really seem to have a clue what had gone on.

What's new?

1. DunderBlouse
2. Dr Doctor
3. Peta 'hang in as long as possible til you bleed out in 2nd or 3rd' Watt
4. Killawatt
5. Cock o'the Sea
6. Ginga 'notso' Radge

For match report addicts, I can provide this small sop. Post PP$ there remained Doc, Killa, Peta & Raiselicious. Gagging on some caird action I moronically forgot about the 21 month run of anti-luck I've been navigating. A mini game of dealers choice began with a £100 buy-in (accuracy +/- £99) making the pot FOUR WHOLE POUNDS. Not to be sniffed at I'm sure you'll agree. About 5 hands in I got a AJ, pushed with it, came up against Petawatt's 99 and hit SFA. Why do I bother? As always, perfectly fine as an individual hand, but if I can't rely on luck what else can I rely on???

Nice wee bad beat whinge out the way.

Before the next game at the Rare Books Arena, I'll tot up the Overall Table. Also, I think with a few players in with a shout this season, we should finalise the remaining fixtures in advance, preferably at the next game. Therefore, ideally, bring a list of dates you are free on a Saturday night to the next match and we can, like the grown-ups we are, amicably devise a schedule.

Result - 21/07/2012

Sea Cock & breadcrumbs

1. Sea Cock
2. The Doctor
3. Wee Rambo
4. Petawatt
5. Bottleneck
6. Killawatt
7. The Raiser

Four bitch slappins into this game I'd had enough and pumped my remaining stack on QQ. Not only was this already behind the KK held by Bottleneck, the first card turned was another big durty K, well whaddayaknow. A blessed relief to be shot of this stupid fudgin pastime!!!!

The Dr after a Tropitoffee Bomb

Arriving late I'd missed a major Killawatt misjudgement. Playing & beating The Doctor all the way through a hand with the aid of a 9 of hearts to make his middling flush, he turned to show - eek - a 9 of diamonds. A 'reverse dean' against the inventor of 'doing a dean'. Revenge for the Championship Leader didn't come during the remainder of the game but was meted out later with all manner of bombs leaving the "english" one (he declared that earlier) near whiteying on the couch begging for mercy and spewing champagne bubbles into a basin. Puir wee scone!!!

The Dr post Bucks Fizz Bomb

Noticing the likelihood that his condition might later provoke the author of a local poker blog to cherry pick details in a manner akin to the style used in the national press, thereby inferring The Doctor was anything other than hardcore alcoholic since birth and somehow couldn't handle drink when presented in a novelty glass and a range of colours, and consequently prompting the Doctor to have to write an email complaining about such lack of journalistic integrity, The Doctor sprang from his slumbers.

Hopping from foot to foot he chopped down the remaining slovenly Scots in the room with a mixture of PHd level chat and strafing right/left upper cut combo's. In a flash he'd put the table back in the cupboard, emptied the ashtrays and done the dishes so he couldn't later be accused of being all bad. Without breaking stride he was down to Glentress in a matter of moments on an undersized trike with no tyres and one gear, booting it round the mountain side backwards whilst still wearing his shades. The polis warn against this, which made it all the more daring from the Beast of Bowburn. Finally deciding his manhood had been redeemed almost enough, The Doctor decided to return to the Colosseum the long way by kicking Froome into the scrub and pacemaking for Wiggins for an entire stage to ensure a maiden English (surely British) victory in the Tour de France. He's too often under appreciated, but its the unnoticed hard yards he puts in that people don't always see that make the man great (is this enough yet, I'm boring myself now?).

All accusations of tabloidry against this blog completely scuppered with this upskirt shot of the Dr after a Double Lolly Bomb

Whilst Killawatt survived that error with a few chips left, a mini comeback (one of my aforementioned bitch slappins) had given him a route back in. The crunch came soon after v Sea Cock. Killa held two spades. Sea Cock held two clubs. After the turn card there were two more spades and two more clubs out, so both players flushing. The club came, Sea Cock triumphed and Killawatt was sent to reflect on where his previous poker dominance has decided to hide.

It was Bottlenecks turn next to feel the Cock of the Sea. The formers 44 nowhere near good enough to overcome 99 from the Salty Ol' Sea Dog. Then Petawatt was the next to be done up like a kipper by Captain Birdseye choking slowly like a fish in an empty bucket, I think a 10-2 off suit being the death rattle of a disappointingly nondescript performance.

Wee Rambo couldn't do better than 3rd place when his Q8 was shown the door when Sea Cock's suited A4 flopped a straight.

Suddenly there are two players who don't have a clue what day it is vying for the money and worse still, pushing right into Championship contention. Sea Cock who'd slain everyone so far apart from your humble narrator who'd deliberately fell on his sword in a huff and Doctor 'I'm awake, no, I'm sleeping again, no, I'm awake, no, I've lost it again, what's happening, HOW MOOCH' Dot-to-dot (I admit, that name might not catch on). Doctor Etc thought a Q5 was a good hand against Sea Cocks KJ suited. The cards arrived in this order; 9-3-8-K-K and it was good night ya drunken bums as the designated driver pocketed the pennies and left with his second win of the season, although crucially, he is short of his half-plus-one qualification, so it might all be in vain.

Up To Date Table

Half way through the year, half way through the season, has to be said, still anyone's championship. Half plus one is currently 5 games and shall remain so after next week (21st July @ Kev's Colosseum).

A machine for zapping Watts!!!!

                         P     W     2nd     L     Pts     Ave

Killawatt           7       2       0       0      92     13.14

GingaStinga     8        2       2       2      88     11.00

The Doctor       6       1       2        0      75     12.50

Wee Rambo     6       1        1      0       51      8.50

Bottleneck        7       1        0      3       45      6.43

Petawatt           8       0       1       0       87     10.88

The Raiser        8       0        2      1       74      9.25

Sea Cock         3       1        0       0      27      9.00

Dundertrump    4       0        0       2      17      4.25

Some stunning stats. Dunderfunk must decide if it's actually worthwhile qualifying with half + 1 this year. Could be a worst of all time. Conversely, The 2010 Champion has finished top 2 in half his games. One to watch. As has the GingaPrincess who is a model of consistency with form comparable to a monthly grenade blast!!! She (surely he) must look back on that defeat by Ol' Sea Cock with regret, it would have put her (him) into a very strong position. And as usual its the Colosseum owner who continues to ride his decade long wave of luck up the top.

23/06/2012 - Result

Give someone else a chance ya greedy bas

1. Killawatt
2. The Doctor
3. The Raiser
4. GingaStinga
5. Petawatt
6. Bottleneck
7. Sea Cock
8. The Man with No Blouse

Apologies - The Damage (playing with over-sized garden toys), The Professor (has been disbanded), Wee Rambo (Beers were too cold).

Bottleneck was first to be dealt bullets and wet himself as Ol' Sea Cock declared the first all-in of the evening. But this duel ended all square as they played the board.

Omaha (or is that Oklahomaha) accounted for the first exit when Dunderfunk dunderfunked it up with 888 v the GingaStinga's KKK (racist twat). He left the arena £5 & two Wire boxed sets lighter which lifted my mood considerably.

Sea Cock, in the yelly jersey, fell off his bike next after being rammed by Killa, back riding on his lucky poker moped. It was one of those moments you especially love to be put out as your opponent reluctantly calls saying "I don't want to", but they fffffffffffffffffffffffffeckin well do anyway!!!!! A9 hearts was in the sailors hand and he was delighted to be up against K-10 also of hearts, but The PP$ Behemoth's luck is right back on track, a 10 showed up (remember this moment for later) and Ol' Sea Cock was up a creek without a paddle.

Bottleneck, whose game has gone backwards since victory earlier in the season could only manage 6th place. The first two players out are notorious for being under the thumb and needing to be home by 10pm, but the host had no such excuses with Madame away. In fairness, another tight one as his KQ off suit was beaten by The Doctor's K-10 suited, again, a dirty 10 popping up to do the damage.

Gentleman Petawatt, slipped out in 5th, a terrible finish by his usual standards. The Doctor had smugly hit a straight on the flop but came under attack from a man requiring running clubs to make his flush. One club arrived, but not the second.

With four players left, the Ginga Prince and The Raiser became entangled with QQ & 22 in a hand that flattened the formers evening. An AQ suited allowed him to get all his chips in v Killa, but a QQ is very nice in that situation, and that's what he had, and that's what ended Gingle Berries participation.

I'd managed to lose a couple of hands from ahead and not call from behind when I would have won the hand more than once and had been chided to start playing with rubbish. With just shy of 17,000 chips on the table I raised Killa's big, was re-raised and decided to put all my 5,700 behind a 10-8 off suit. I should have known I was doomed either way, the big hairy fairy turned over A8 and I was going to have to be a right ungentlemanly mofo to come back and claim that hand. I know I don't need to remind you that the 10 was being hit from behind earlier in the evening and I especially don't need to hark back a couple of games to when I had Wee Rambo trussed up like a fatted calf four times, twice in exactly this scenario only to be defiled in the most evil of ways. Since I don't need to remind you of this, I won't. Killa then told me 10-8 off suit was, quite obviously, far too good. One day, the penny shall drop I'm sure.

The Doctor with the yo-yo form was all that stood betwixt the reigning champ and the money. Earlier in the evening he'd been entertaining us with his famous party trick of going all the way in a massive hand with absolutely nothing, then realising at the showdown he'd had the nuts all along. How we love that one. The first heads up flash point arrived with the Doc all in with an A9 v Killa's A-3. Still wasn't good enough and resulted in a split pot. Then the crunch came, Killa held K2 and The Doc went in with 97. By the time a 9 came, The Champ had already hit a K, then went on to ram home his victory by pairing the 2 too!!!

When will Bottleneck get an end game? When will Pete get nasty? Which Doctor shall turn up next time? Will the author finally win and stop harping on about not being good enough bad beats? Find out next time at (TBA).

09/06/2012 - Result

This is a Sea Cock

Gadzooks, the match report slipped my mind hence the delay. As details can often be innaccurate when reporting the following day, there may be some factual looseness hereonin!!!

Eight players took part. Bottleneck, currently playing like a poker version of Rangers lost all his chips in a hurry. No records were taken of the details allowing me to suggest he was put out so early it was 'before records began'.

Fans favourite The Raiser was next to suffer forced rear entry. Late to the game due to Gentlemanly commitments elsewhere he was unable to get a foothold before being shabbily treated by Dunderfunk. It must be noted that this particular bad beat in a heroic array of consecutive bad beats particularly stings and shall not be forgotten as my general poker bitterness increases by the game. In an attempt to scare rubbish cards off with my A and a paltry stack, the Corstorphine Chianti called with a 6-5 off suit purely to give me some chips. I had to put a cork on the hatred welling up inside as he hit a 5 without reply.

The foul mouthed Doctor's £5 elapsed next against Prince Gingle Berries. K4 suited became "f*&@ all in a cloud of f%#* all" against QQ. His words. Then there were five.

To my deepest disappointment Dunderfunk was next for the ejector seat. A big loss v Killawatt was followed next hand v GingaRadge whose A9 held up against A4.

Killawatt's involvement ceased when GingaRadge swarmed all over a K-10 with an AK. The former had all sorts of outs, but couldn't hit and left the game. This freed him up to provide his elite ongoing critique of the sub-standard play of those still in for the rest of the evening.

As usual, no mention of Petawatt until this point as he keeps his head down, stays out of trouble and then bleeds dry in 2nd or 3rd place. The Doctor's notes are not very clear on the details however the words "rampant f*%?fest" appear next to KK & JJ.

There also appears to be a hand involving Petawatt (66), Killawatt (K7) & GingaRadge (A6) to which the 'rampant ~fest' quote may apply. Could secretaries please take more care when noting game details in future?!?

An even better Sea Cock

Cash on the table time as Gingle Berries in a familiar position found himself against Sea Cock, a boat out of water in a heads up scenario if you don't mind mashed analogies too much. The smart money was on Ginga Prince, but Sea Cock was in a buddha like poker trance and coldly hunted down his more decorated opponent. The only notes I have are:

"Sea Cock 4-6's resplendant"
"GingaRadge - oof"

Good luck deciphering that. Sea Cock took the prize!!!

Next game is on Saturday 23rd June at the Rare Books Arena. Remember, this is a non-kitchen roll environment, so bring your own Thirst Pockets. Especially you Pete!!!

Saturday May 19th - Result & Latest Table

Radge

1. Gingle Berries
2. Wee Rambo
3. The Raiser
4. Petawatt
5. Bottleneck

Apologies: The Gynaecologist (Londinium), Killawatt (Deaths Door), Dunderfunk (Washing his hair again), The Professor (Retired), The Damage (Babysitting).

Taking advantage of a weakened field at the Rare Books Arena on Saturday, The Ginga Prince bagged his second win of the season to explode to the top of the 2012 table with some "unstoppable fackin cairds". His words. Backed up by a flotilla of pairs with some bullets thrown in, when the blinds began to bite, Messrs Rambo & Raiser couldn't find an answer!!!

The last hand exemplified what had gone before. Heads up the Ginga Prince (3-3) and Wee Rambo (Q-J) found themselves in a classic Texas Hold'em showdown. The flop helped neither before a killer Jack appeared on the turn. Then the river produced an even more killer 3. Quite a sight watching their 'Happiness Graphs' shoot past each other in opposite directions.

Earlier, much earlier, Bottleneck was first to exit with unseemly haste. A pre-flop raise by in-form Mr Raiser holding A-10 couldn't shake him off. The Raiser hit both cards on the flop and raised again, but was in turn re-raised all-in by the host. All the Raiser could do was call and hope to hold up, which he did when Bottleneck turned over Q-10 which appeared to be gasping for air. You'd struggle to get a Chilean miner out of a hole like that!!! Back to the drawing board for Bottleneck or the recent win might attract 'fluke' status.

After the break Petawatt bowed out around the beginning of GingaStinga's assault. KQ might be good enough most of the time, but AA in the hands of the GingaAssasin ended Petawatt's participation.

The Raiser has spent a little too much time recently whinging about bad beats and naturally, this continued well into the evening. Having more than covered Wee Rambo in the previous game four times and without prevailing, he came to the conclusion that the only way to tackle the Luckius Gittus was to go all-in miles behind. The opportunity arose with a 3-4 off-suit pre-flop and all Rambo's chips on the table but the walk didn't match his talk and he folded. The rabbit was chased and a 6-high straight for The Raiser would have sent Wee Rambo crashing. What a game eh???

After being ahead at the break, the blinds were squeezing as they do and The Raiser eventually chucked a couple of grand at four clubs on the flop. The GingaAssasin was at it again though, pairing his K on the flop and avoiding clubs henceforth to make it 'Cash-on-the-table' time.

Quite a good game I thought, Bobby Bawbag might disagree. Your scribe played quite well with sweet cards for the first half. Then there was a bit of a 3-way tussle near the end before the Ginger Spring swept all before it. Some unusual composure from Young Rambo was in evidence with less of an issue regarding the Break than normal. In the end, the cards were the winner.

No date or venue for the next game yet. I'm keen and I'm sure those with Manflu or other barely credible excuses will also be keen to re-engage, so come on Wattleneck Fixtures Committee, get emailing.

Finally, below is the up to date table for 2012.

                       P    W   2nd     L   Pts    Ave
GingaStinga     6     2      1     2    60    10.00
The Doctor      4     1      1     0    53    13.25
Killawatt           5     1      0     0    61    12.20
Wee Rambo    6     1      1     0    51     8.50
Bottleneck        5     1      0     2    40     8.00
Petawatt          6     0      1     0    65    10.83
The Raiser       6     0      2     1    58     9.67

4 games must have been played to qualify.