Saturday 23rd March - Result & Report

What I'm now up against

Decisions, decisions, whether to keep this weeks bad beat whinge for later or just get it out the way now? I've given it three days to cool off, but to little effect. So why not get the greetin over with!!!

The Worlds Crappest Ever Poker Player (that's me folks, statistically it's undeniable) was first out in a hail of bullets. Playing the top end poker that's gotten me nowhere for so long, I shunned all middling and worse hands, as the clever advice advises. The first hand I opted to play, I was last to act on the big blind, everyone folded bar one raiser. With a J-9 I decided to have a wee look. After the flop, I've got top pair and an overcard. Only one thing to do in that situation, raise. My foe, fellow wooden spoon contender Petawatt, showed no sign of backing down though, chucking a re-raise at me. So I fold about 300 or so skinter after being re-raised, declaring he had a higher pocket pair than my 9's. In a gentlemanly fashion, he showed AA. Winning the hand seems to be enough for the Petawatt, no requirement for trash-talkin and besmirching his clan's good name.

Ach well, at least that meant I wouldn't have to worry about coming up against A's for a while. The chances of playing just two hands and finding you're up against AA would be way beyond statistical sense. If that came to be, maybe God does exist after all, maybe I will win the lottery and maybe I am actually the greatest poker hotshot ever born!!!

If I had a gun...

A while later I'm dealt a spade flush draw on the flop. I've got the Q. The K comes on the turn giving me a K-hi flush (AND now a straight flush draw too). To get to the point of finding out my adversary most likely has the A with a re-raise to his raise, I'm down from 1600ish to 300 or so chips. Against Sea Cock, who had thought Q-7 pre-flop was a good hand after being pot-raised, when I put him out in the previous game, despite being out of position and pot-raised by me at every opportunity, I had to weigh up if his blatant 'I've got the A' behaviour was real or fake. I decided by now I'd gone too far and had to see. He slowly turned over a red A first, absolutely no need to put me out of my misery, then the A of spades.

Two hands, up against two pairs of bullets, both times the bullets held up against me and both times I hit cards to wade into deep trouble with.

The Doctor earlier insisted that paying cash to get shafted for years is an enjoyable way to spend an evening. This was met with some ire. Now, when every hand I'm up against is AA, well I'm at a loss as to what to do next. Fortunately there were witnesses to see these bullets, otherwise I'd be quite sure I was actually just going mad, which, all considered, would be preferable to this run of form/luck.

All I can see these days, am I going mad???

But later, once The Doctor had won the whole game (with a Q-8), and declaring it was all down to being lucky, I was even more delighted than a delighted fiver-donater could ever be thought to be. When is the next game, I simply cannot wait!!!

A good while after my exit, well after the munchy break - hardly worth pointing out there wasn't another pair of Aces dealt all night - The Bonfire found himself trapped in a cul-de-sac of pain he had no intention of entering in the first place. With a 7-4 in the hand and a 7-4 on the flop he pushed all-in and heard the dreaded words from Petawatt "ahhh, I have to, just to see". The Bonfire's fate was sealed, the 2 on the flop was matched on the turn making Petawatt's pocket 9's into a better two pair than Bonfires 7-7-4-4.

Bottleneck, making his first appearance since the recent sprog-thunk, left the game in 6th after a bit of to-ing and fro-ing with Killawatt. First he went all-in with KK v A-6 and it held up. Next he was all-in with A-6 v QQ, but couldn't find another A and exited in 6th.

Captain Birdseye, my 'Nemesis of the Week' ran aground soon after. His AQ v The Dr's AK suited was beasted when The Dr made his flush. He was then sunk for good by Petawatt when his Q-5 took on the latters J-10. Whilst Sea Cock hit a 5, the Fur Warrior hit a J and the field had been halved.

Reigning champion and one-move master tactician, Prince of Gingia felt the full force of poker's fickle hand of bad luck next. Charging into battle, as he is prone, with 5-5, he was met by the Gynaecologist brandishing KQ. When another slutty little Q appeared, The Prince was oot.

Some wag called the three remaining players - Killa, Doc & Petawatt - "two patsies and a behemoth". It wasn't long before the first Watt-off. Killa held K-2 and the Peta had J-8. Lacking in chips the latter pushed all his hopes into the pot, nothing came for either and we were down to the last two players. Blog rules dictate I must mention that this is Petawatt's modus operandi, top half finish, bleed out before the finale. I wish I was that good.

The Doctor now had some ground to make up. Forced all in with a J-7, he found Killa with 10-7 and held up to double up. Back in the match!!! Soon the medic's QQ held up v Killa's K-9, doubling up again. Not long after the Doctor's sublime skill was to the fore once more as his J-5 beat Killa's (blind all-in) Q-6. A staggering coming from behind with the aid of another pesky 5. With the Killa bleeding badly from all these cuts, the end arrived when his Q-4 took it royally up the garbage shoot from Dino the Vino's Q-8. The Doctor was the winner allowing a final "I'm f%&£+@ loving this" exclamation from my good self.

1. The Gynaecologist
2. Killawatt
3. Petawatt
4. The Ginga Stinga
5. C (is for) C***
6. Bottleneck
7. Shantanamo Bay
8. Greetin Little Woose

Player Profile$

In no particular order, here are profiles for all PP$ 2012 participants. The Professor who played in the 2011 Championship Game is also included as is former champ and honorary member, Mr Damage of America.

Player: Killawatt

AKA: The Killa, Silent Bob, The Great Sage, She, Hairy Oracle, PP$ Behemoth, Infallible One,

Style: Godly

Attributes: Clinical application of poker odds. Ability to ride a massive wave of skill inspired luck.

Negatives: High pitched loser, especially if the odds are deemed to have cheated him.

Honours: 5 time PP$ Champion

Poker Catchphrase: “Raise!!!”

Player: GingaRadge

AKA: Ginga Prince, Gingle Berries, Ginger Implosion, The Raj of Gingia, Ice Road Trucker, GingaTomatoSoupAddict, GingaPrincess, GingaAssasin, GingaAllInna, His Royal Radgeness,

Style: All out attack or total defence

Attributes: Bravery, willingness to get right behind pocket ducks upwards.

Negatives: No Plan B.

Honours: PP$ Poker Champion 2004

Poker Catchphrase: “Re-raise the pot”

Player: The One True Gentleman of Poker

AKA: JackSix, The Raiser, The Raizerio, The Gentleman, Raiselicious, The Greatest Player Never To Win The Title,

Style: Canny (i.e. canny play)

Attributes: Always comes back for more.

Negatives: No known flaws.

Honours: Casino 2^nd Place

Poker Catchphrase: “Thank goodness for all of us I never go on about my horrendous luck”.

Player: Petawatt

AKA: Fur Warrior, Juggerwatt, PP$ Pistorious,

Style: Steady

Attributes: Never knocked out easily.

Negatives: Prone to bleeding to death before heads up.

Honours: Online profiteer

Poker Catchphrase: “Whah, is it my turn, how much is it?”

Player: Wee Rambo

AKA: Warm Beer (not an anagram, but almost), Little Rambo, Young Rambo, Miniature Rambo, Willie Warm Beer, Mini Stallone,

Style: Unshirking

Attributes: Listens, learns, improves.

Negatives: Struggles to put down a good hand.

Honours: Online profiteer

Poker Catchphrase: “I’m working at 4am”.

Player: Bottleneck

AKA: Rare Books, Bobby Bawbag, The Wattanator,

Style: Atheist (non-believer)

Attributes: Has winability.

Negatives: Lack of endgame.

Honours: French wife.

Poker Catchphrase: “Guid cards, nae luck”

Player: Sea Cock

AKA: Captain Birdseye, C Koch, Ol’ Sea Penis, Cock o’ the Sea, Salty Ol’ Sea Dog,

Style: Unabomber

Attributes: Good when he can be bothered.

Negatives: Only good when he can be bothered.

Honours: PP$ Overall Table Qualification 2012

Poker Catchphrase: “That’s my lift turned up”.

Player: The Doctor

AKA: The Gynaecologist, Beast of Bowburn, Pussy Doctor, Dr Doctor, Dr Pussy, Dino the Vino, The Doctor of Doodling,

Style: Complete ignorance

Attributes: Able to go all the way with nothing, turn over nothing, then realise he has the nuts.

Negatives: Goes all the way with nothing when he knows its nothing.

Honours: 2010 PP$ Champion

Poker Catchphrase: “Ow mooch?”

Player: The Damage

AKA: Fiscal Cliff, President Damage,

Style: Curmudgeonly

Attributes: Hasn’t finished last for 18 months.

Negatives: Home address.

Honours: Two time PP$ Poker Champion (2005, 2006)

Poker Catchphrase: “There’s a WWII film on at half ten I want to watch”

Player: Da Blouse

AKA: The Man with No Nickname, The Man with No Blouse, Aces, Dunderfunk, DunderBlouse, Santanders Claus, The Former Blouse, Thunderfunk, Dundertrump, The Corstorphine Chianti, Andersfunk, Daddy Dunkbucket, Dunkin Donut, Paintbrush, Aces Picasso, Leonardo Dunderfunk, Constable Andrews, Duncbucket,

Style: Lucky

Attributes: Gets dealt millions of Aces although seemingly fewer these days than in the noughties.

Negatives: Not allowed out after 10pm.

Honours: Two time PP$ Poker Champion (2001, 2002)

Poker Catchphrase: “I’ve got the nuts again”.

Player: The Baptist

AKA: L.I.Am, Mr Am,

Style: More Skywalker than Solo

Attributes: No fear

Honours: PP$ top ten player 2012

Poker Catchphrase: “What would Obiwan do?”

Player: The Professor

AKA: Prof, Sicknote.

Style: Rudimentary

Attributes: Plays well under the influence

Negatives: Doesn’t play well while not under the influence

Honours: Details unavailable

Poker Catchphrase: “Fine, take my fiver again”. 

Result - 15/12/2012

Heads-up poker, Gynaecologist v Wee Rambo

1. The Gynaecologist

2. Wee Rambo

3. The Killa

4. The One True Gentleman

5. Petawatt

6. The Baptist

7. Ginger Implosion

8. Santanders Claus (only shows up once a year)

9. Bottleneck

10. C Koch.

Apologies: President Damage (Raiding Macy's), The Professor (Bothering Borderers), Rob's French Mate that played once and hated Sarkozy (France).

No Apologies, Just Ignorant No Showism: Sea Cock.

Nine players took part in the penultimate game of the season at Kev's Colosseum last Saturday and things could hardly have set up the 2012 Championship Game in early January any better.

I say nine, there were of course ten places set to begin with, but the Tenth Man, in this age of blanket electronic communication opportunities was unable to relay his non-attendance in any way. The host was visibly upset at this brazen rudeness and had to be talked down from a nearby tree before the match could commence. Typical Eskhill/Gilmerton slumdog behaviour I must say, nothing a good thrashing couldn't put right!!!

As is tradition within these pages, the winner of the battle is treated with whatever the opposite of kid gloves are (Granny mittens?). I'm reluctant to be too harsh this time though, preferring to keep my spare ire as usual for Petawatt for some as yet to be understood subconscious reason. Firstly because the twat wot won put me out en route, which gives me some sort of claim to being the second best player on the night despite finishing fourth. And secondly, because the manner of his victory, relying on luck above skill, hitting his own cards and dodging those of everyone else, is my preferred manner of victory every three years or so. It's reassuring to know that skill isn't always the main factor in victory.

All underhand tactics welcome

In his own words, the first man ejected summarised his night as "Guid cairds, nae luck". Two nines in the hand done for the Bottleneck against QQ in the grubby paws of the Doctor and we were down to eight. Rumours abound that Bottleneck will be spending next summer in the States at Poker Boot Camp to reinvigorate his play.

8th place was accepted by Dunderblouse. Commuting these days from just north of Reykjavik has limited his participation in the last year or so and when he has made it across the ocean's and range's he's had to turn round and head straight home again more or less as he takes off his Parka. In a bid to eradicate all opposition in quick time the shady Icelander brought a bottle of Absinthe to add to the Bomb ingredients we've accumulated. Tipping the scales at 55% the Bomb Bros held off until after the break before having to sample the poison. By then it was too late for the former Blouse. Holding a flush draw the assembled PP$'rs were cock-a-hoop when The Baptist 'Aced Aces' by tripping his A on the flop, a favourite ploy of the former from yesteryear.

The Championship race was then blown wide open. The GingaPrince is imploding before our very eyes in the style of Kevin Keegan back in 95-96. A PP$ resignation in the toilets might not be far off taking this particular analogy two football steps too far for most of the attendees. GingaPrince, pushing with a KJ v Killawatt who paired a 6 to send the Championship Leader into a deep dark hole of doubt. Are we going to witness final table pain akin to his 2010 heartbreak? As it stands (overall table will be 'released prior to the Championship Game), he still sits top with four victories, but Killawatt and The Doctor with three wins and better averages are right in the hunt with a game to play.

With two last place finishes in his first two appearances in our shark pit, The Baptist was in dire need of some improvement and found it as he made it past the Munchy Break for the first time alighting in 6th place. My memory and notes are unclear although I think he left clutching a low flush after previously coming back from the dead in a hand v The Doctor.

Petawatt who is desperately trying to find the win that'll guarantee me the Overall Wooden Spoon in 2012 perished next in 5th. The Doctor hit the river with a K to clobber the former's A5. There could be a few of us signing up to that boot camp next summer!!!

Then it was my turn. Again it was The Pussy Doctor who lucked out. My K4 hit a K on the flop, as did his K6. Once all the cards were out the 6 counted and I went into a huff for 5 minutes trying not to catch site of his beaming mug.

With three players left, GingaRadge was hoping Killawatt didn't win to take the overall lead for the year. If he'd have hung about he'd have been delighted as The Doctor produced an AK v Killawatt's A7 and the reigning champion had to leave the table just as the money joined.

Which God do/don't you believe in again?

On pint night in the Croon on Wednesday, a whimpering Little Rambo beseeched me to report sympathetically on his second place finish feeling he'd been somewhat hard done by. This is akin to Rupert Murdoch pleading for a fair trial when he's eventually dragged before Justice. If you dish it out when it's going your way it is most unbecoming to squeal like a pig when the great Flying Poker Spaghetti Monster deign's to anoint another. I quelled my opprobrium, until now.

Being a tad fair, maybe he was referring to hands such as his J7 v Q4. On the flop came a 7, then a 4 before the river turned out to be a Q. Maybe he has a case as that would have been the winning hand, instead Dr Pussy doubled up and ultimately used another Q4 to gub Rambo's A8.

Like all winners, The Doctor was unbearable in victory with the assembled crowd vehemently disagreeing with any assessment he made of his performance. It does however move him up to three wins alongside Killawatt, both with a better average than Four Wins Gingle Berries making the last game of 2012 a three-way tussle for the trophy.

Championship Table

The Gentleman's position (geddit?)

The Doctor moves up one place at the expense of Sea Cock and Killawatt after his latest victory now giving GingaRadge a third reason to keep looking over his shoulder as he pursues the trophy. Despite appearances to the contrary, the Doctor's record of six top-two finishes in 11 games suggests either he is indeed a canny player, or alternatively the rest of us just canny play. I speak at least for myself in this last respect. However it has been noted that my prescription at the beginning of Heids-up in the last game that he should down his Bomb forthwith to help increase either his chances of winning or negation of pain in the case of a defeat quite spectacularly propelled him to the 'W'.

Conversely to The Doctor, Petawatt, a seeming paragon of clever consistency at the table finds himself languishing winless and too close to the wooden spoon for comfort. Indeed, if anyone beats me to the wooden spoon after the form and luck I've unbeknowingly inflicted upon myself, they'll have to seriously consider their future in cairds altogether.

Half Plus One = 7

Gingle Berries                       12    4    3    3    145   12.083
Dr Doctor                              11    2    4    1    128   11.636
Killawatt                                 12    2    0    0    127   10.583
Sea Cock                                8     2    0    0     83    10.375
Wee Rambo                           10    1    1    0    106   10.600
Bottleneck                               11    1    1    4     70     6.364
Petawatt                                  13    0    2    0    138   10.615
The One True Gentleman      12    0    2    2     93     7.750

Next game is scheduled for the Rare Books Arena on Saturday 24th November I do believe. Sadly this will most likely be the last game at aforementioned venue due to previous nocturnal shenanigans (purely a euphemism, activities may well have been during daylight).

Saturday 27th October - Result

Dr Victorious

1. The Gynaecologist
2. Ginga Radge
3. Wee Rambo
4. Sea Cock
5. Killawatt
6. Petawatt
7. The One True Gentleman
8. Bottleneck

Apologies: The Damage (Eastern Seaboard), Hurricane Andy (Eastern Seaboard), L.I.Am (In the studio), The Prof (almost totally retired).

As the end of the season and the exalted Championship Game loom into sight, playaz begin to get a bit twitchy around this time of year. With the publication of an up to date Championship Table before the game all manner of permutations swill around inside the mostly empty bonce's of the PP$ massive.

When an inanimate plastic button just won't do

The Raj of Gingia finds himself atop the 2012 rankings and within sight of a first championship for between 2-7 years (stats office is closed on a Sunday as I write this, if indeed you can classify this as writing). It is often said she holds only a Plan A (a rather decent Plan A, but one single plan nonetheless) and her stats bear this out somewhat. After this game she has now played 12 games and finished 1st, 2nd or last in 10 of them. A high risk strategy that might pay off in poker, but maybe think twice about getting in this dude's motor should you have designs on ultimately reaching your destination.

Early excitement was provided with the introduction of an all-singing, all-dancing new dealer chip, see photo.

Whilst all players survived until after the break (The Baptist & The Prof not in attendance & Ginga Radge not getting a good enough all-in hand til post-munchies) it was Bottleneck who was out the traps early accumulating the first decent chipstack. Famous from Cornbank to Reno for not having an endgame, this didn't concern many at the table and not long after saying he was yet to hear a Savile joke, then being bombarded by some, he was, metaphorically at least, like Sir Jimmy, lying six feet under in an unmarked grave.

The One True Gentleman, who is vying with Bottleneck for the wooden spoon, continued on his teary run of form.  The very next hand after Bottleneck's demise the former Raiser was all-in with 77 and up against two players with aces. Being ahead at this stage, just like being behind at this stage means The Gentleman is going to lose. Another Ace appeared and I finished 3rd in a hand I was leading when I pushed. Christ even I'm bored stupid with my hard luck stories now.

The next hand saw a Watt-off. Brunette Watt, on a granny shoved all-in behind a 78 whilst Blonde Watt had to back his AQ. The former hit both his cards whilst dodging either of the latter's. While I may be bored stupid with my own hard luck stories, YET AGAIN, WHY THE HELL CAN'T I HOLD UP OR GET LUCKY LIKE THIS, EVER, never mind from behind like Brunette Watt here??? Drives me mad.

With consecutive hands knocking out Bottleneck, then The Gentleman, then Killawatt surviving an all-in, just two hands later it was Petawatt's turn to seek the exit. His AQ v Ginga Radge's AQ looked OK until the Radge hit his flush on the river. It really was Deathsville!!!

Killawatt soon got a taste of what it's like to be The Gentleman shoving his stack behind 88. Sea Cock fancied a K4 for some reason, hit his K and the Watt clan lay slain on the field of battle.

By now, just like a couple of games ago, the Ginga Prince had sat patiently with rubbish cards all night before now beginning to hit hand after hand and building a chip empire to match. His overall lead came when his 33 held up against a flush chasin Dr with A9.

Sea Cock, who is trying to get a new nickname with a sweary word in it past the censors of this blog (me) left the game in 4th place. Forced into action with an A6, the A-10 of the new chip leader beat him up good.

This left two potential winners and a patsy in the shapes of Ginga Radge, Wee Rambo & The Doctor of Doodling. Wee Rambo, not working at 4am, left the game in 3rd place after his KQ met a 67 and the flop came 10-9-8 making it cash on the table time.

Championship Leader Gingle Berries was massive favourite at this point with 15,200 chips to the Doctor's 1600. Unfortunately I forget what the blinds were. But it didn't look good for the Doctor who until now, rather unusually, had managed to avoid hoying all his chips in behind cock-all on a mad whim. No doubt this would happen soon.

Heads up Spab Boy action

Spectators were soon diving for cover as the wheels spectacularly began falling off of the Flame Haired bandwagon. First The Doctor hit a higher straight to double up. Then all-in with AJ he met a AK but hit a J (again, I refer you back to my years of bad luck, this does not happen to The One True Gentlemen, thank goodness for all of us I never go on about it). Then the Doctor had 10-10 and found himself against 6-6 and tripped a 10. The Championship Leader was floundering badly by now. Even when he scrambled some chips back and the overall stacks were even enough, the psychological game was done and dusted and it only seemed a matter of time until his ultimate demise. It came when his 55 found The Doctor holding AQ suited. An A duly arrived, the game was over and an unlikely win fell into the lap of The Gynaecologist. Any delusions that he played well or worse, 'deserved' the win can be easily countered by referring back to his AJ v AK win. Loocky, loocky bastid!!!!

Result - Saturday 1st September

Amazingly, these are not the most nutritious

As I was absent due to something mildly more entertaining happening elsewhere, the last game will not have the customary entertaining report from Mr Oomble Scribe. This post also has the potential to contain many factual inaccuracies as I am having to rely largely on second-hand testimony. I can verify the top 2, as I arrived as the game concluded, the rest of the placings were provided by Doc/Killa and they didn't really seem to have a clue what had gone on.

What's new?

1. DunderBlouse
2. Dr Doctor
3. Peta 'hang in as long as possible til you bleed out in 2nd or 3rd' Watt
4. Killawatt
5. Cock o'the Sea
6. Ginga 'notso' Radge

For match report addicts, I can provide this small sop. Post PP$ there remained Doc, Killa, Peta & Raiselicious. Gagging on some caird action I moronically forgot about the 21 month run of anti-luck I've been navigating. A mini game of dealers choice began with a £100 buy-in (accuracy +/- £99) making the pot FOUR WHOLE POUNDS. Not to be sniffed at I'm sure you'll agree. About 5 hands in I got a AJ, pushed with it, came up against Petawatt's 99 and hit SFA. Why do I bother? As always, perfectly fine as an individual hand, but if I can't rely on luck what else can I rely on???

Nice wee bad beat whinge out the way.

Before the next game at the Rare Books Arena, I'll tot up the Overall Table. Also, I think with a few players in with a shout this season, we should finalise the remaining fixtures in advance, preferably at the next game. Therefore, ideally, bring a list of dates you are free on a Saturday night to the next match and we can, like the grown-ups we are, amicably devise a schedule.

09/06/2012 - Result

This is a Sea Cock

Gadzooks, the match report slipped my mind hence the delay. As details can often be innaccurate when reporting the following day, there may be some factual looseness hereonin!!!

Eight players took part. Bottleneck, currently playing like a poker version of Rangers lost all his chips in a hurry. No records were taken of the details allowing me to suggest he was put out so early it was 'before records began'.

Fans favourite The Raiser was next to suffer forced rear entry. Late to the game due to Gentlemanly commitments elsewhere he was unable to get a foothold before being shabbily treated by Dunderfunk. It must be noted that this particular bad beat in a heroic array of consecutive bad beats particularly stings and shall not be forgotten as my general poker bitterness increases by the game. In an attempt to scare rubbish cards off with my A and a paltry stack, the Corstorphine Chianti called with a 6-5 off suit purely to give me some chips. I had to put a cork on the hatred welling up inside as he hit a 5 without reply.

The foul mouthed Doctor's £5 elapsed next against Prince Gingle Berries. K4 suited became "f*&@ all in a cloud of f%#* all" against QQ. His words. Then there were five.

To my deepest disappointment Dunderfunk was next for the ejector seat. A big loss v Killawatt was followed next hand v GingaRadge whose A9 held up against A4.

Killawatt's involvement ceased when GingaRadge swarmed all over a K-10 with an AK. The former had all sorts of outs, but couldn't hit and left the game. This freed him up to provide his elite ongoing critique of the sub-standard play of those still in for the rest of the evening.

As usual, no mention of Petawatt until this point as he keeps his head down, stays out of trouble and then bleeds dry in 2nd or 3rd place. The Doctor's notes are not very clear on the details however the words "rampant f*%?fest" appear next to KK & JJ.

There also appears to be a hand involving Petawatt (66), Killawatt (K7) & GingaRadge (A6) to which the 'rampant ~fest' quote may apply. Could secretaries please take more care when noting game details in future?!?

An even better Sea Cock

Cash on the table time as Gingle Berries in a familiar position found himself against Sea Cock, a boat out of water in a heads up scenario if you don't mind mashed analogies too much. The smart money was on Ginga Prince, but Sea Cock was in a buddha like poker trance and coldly hunted down his more decorated opponent. The only notes I have are:

"Sea Cock 4-6's resplendant"
"GingaRadge - oof"

Good luck deciphering that. Sea Cock took the prize!!!

Next game is on Saturday 23rd June at the Rare Books Arena. Remember, this is a non-kitchen roll environment, so bring your own Thirst Pockets. Especially you Pete!!!

Latest Table - May 12

Gentlemen of the cards, please find below the latest standings in our venerable little organisation.

                           P      W      2nd      L      Pts      Ave

The Doctor         4       1         1        0       53      13.25

Killawatt              5       1         0        0       61      12.20

Bottleneck          4       1         0        1       40      10.00

Ginga Prince       5       1         1        2       40        8.00

Wee Rambo       5       1         0        0       36        7.20

Petawatt             5       0         1        0       60       12.00

The Raiser         5       0         2        1       48        9.60

Sea Cock           1       0         0        0        5         5.00

Andersfunk         2       0         0        1        9         4.50

Next Match

The next Ranker shall commence not before 20:00 on Saturday 19th May at the newly refurbished RareBooks Arena. Combatants are advised as usual to bring enough solid and liquid sustenance to last an Andean plane crash.

Midweek Misery

Reports have arrived at the PP$ office of a non-ranking Midweeker held at Kev's Colosseum on Wednesday last. The Raiser, Wee Rambo, Killawatt & Petawatt faced off in a 4Playa.

The Raiser announced beforehand that he would be retiring from poker after the game as he'd swallowed too many bad beats over a period that stretches back into the mists of memory. It is far, far, far from enjoyable, made even worse when the finances are so constrained. I must add a disclaimer of sorts in that I am not a believer in 'luck'. In my experience the more you put in, the harder you try and the better you are, the luckier you get over the longer term.  However it was pointed out to me by Mega/Peta & Killa about 14 months ago that I seemed to have been having a lot of bad luck over the course of the last couple of years. Since then things have been a joke. Then on Wednesday it got worse!!!

Raiser in hair trouble

The tussle was lengthy and all players made it past the break. Petawatt was first to fade out as the blinds ramped up. Killawatt had a frustrating evening, two or three times slipping below a Grand in chippage, only to scrap back up, before being squeezed back down again. Eventually he exited in the 3rd position. The Raiser was once again very happy with his play and led the game for most of the evening. Wee Rambo hit the nicest hands early on during Draw with a couple of 4-of-a-kinds. Later he became the only player to show pocket A's all evening. He also survived FOUR all-in's v The Raiser where every time he was more than covered chipwise AND holding weaker cards AND two times out of the four had only one live card in his hand. It was a quite incredible display of overcoming increasingly insurmountable odds, the main hand twice doing the damage being an otherwise innocuous 5-8 suited. As the taker of all this increasingly unfeasible ass-whupping you can imagine my delight when Wee Rambo eventually won the cash. His post-match lack of hubris matched only by my own girly whinging in this report.

Result - Saturday 21st April

The One True God (no image available)

Italics denote last hand held
1. The Doctor
7-3 off suit
2. Juggerwatt
6-4 off suit
3. Killawatt
6-3 suited
4. Wee Rambo
Four card flush aka SFA
5. Bottleneck
QJ (v KQ)
6. The Raiser
8-5 off suit
7. Ginga Prince
Trips (at Omaha)

Apologies: The Professor (retired, in the boxing sense), Sea Cock (retired, in the boxing sense), The Damage (left the European Poker Tour & joined the US Poker Tour), Homie formerly known as Aces/DaBlouse/Thunderbucket/Donut, (unavailable for comment).

Poker is a bastard. It really is. What is the point of persevering in the face of such harsh fortune when no amount of skill or perseverance is rewarded and the winner is decided purely on some fickle twist of fate (rhetorical question so I don't think a question mark is required).

There was a midweek game the previous Wednesday. It had been dominated by Wee Rambo who was rewarded both for good calls and bad calls. Didn't really seem to matter as he steamed into the last two with an unsightly chip lead. And at that exact point his golden touch deserted him. Did he massively alter his tactics? Did he forget how to play? Did he which!!! For some reason, the only God that exists - The Poker God - decided that enough was enough and with the inevitability of grim death itself, both the hard & easily won gains of the Miniature Rambo began a steady march across the table to the welcoming embrace of young Petawatt who, after games and games of competent and tight play with no reward finally pocketed the pennies.

The seat where you cannot avoid flushes

With bathroom renovations underway at Kev's Colosseum it was onto Saturday, a new day, so a new game. Not a bit of it. Petawatt discovered that his stock was still high in Poker Heaven. His only problem was avoiding the good cards which pestered him all night. Unable to get dealt something pish, he was forced to partake in most hands and then win them. Occasionally he'd win from being ahead. Other times he'd win from being in the lead. And some more times he'd win from the best starting position. Any time he'd have suffered a bad beat, the opponent had already folded. He had a specific problem trying to avoid 500's as they just kept tumbling towards him. Some of his 500's were even witnessed giving birth to some 100's in his chipstack. Nobody was safe, not even Behemothwatt who couldn't quench the flow.

Another WC refurb suggestion

The Juggerwatt was responsible for the demise of the Ginga Prince before then slaying Wee Rambo for the second game running. Heads up with The Gynaecologist he simply couldn't fail. But then, the Golden Aeroplane in which he was flying lost cabin pressure and spiralled towards the Pentland Mountains and a horrible horrible end. Mr God of Poker had switched his allegiance at a speed that would make Rupert Murdoch proud. The Doctor of dot-to-dot, probably the most hot and cold homeboy in PP$ history caught fire (eh, I think he was on another plane that had fire extinguishers on it and didn't crash and the metaphor, if it was one, has got too messy and I'm going to try to finish the report a little less confusingly).

So The Doctor sparked into life and took all the chips. And won hitting a flush with a 7-3 off suit (this sentence was especially satisfying as an English teacher once told me I couldn't begin a sentence using the word 'and'. Pick it out Ashworth and check out the first sentence in the bible too, only the biggest selling book of all time ya twit).

Where was I? Looking at the 'last hands held' details at the top of the page it looks like only Messrs P & B went out with proper cards. The other five players held 8-5 offsuit, 8-9 suited, 6-3 suited, 6-4 offsuit & 7-3 offsuit. Nothing to make Liv Boree quake in her kitten heels just yet.

This was Doctor dot-to-dot's first win since his Anus Yabeautius in 2010. Five games into this new season we have five players on one win. Tasty. Returning to the first exclamation of this report, maybe poker isn't such a fatherer of illegitimate children after all. The Doctor would certainly beg to differ this morning.

Latest Table

Killa on a recent trip to Vegas

Despite being four games into the new season and having four different winners, the top of table already has a depressingly familiar look to it.

Half +1 is currently 3 games meaning that the two tailgunners at the foot of the table are included out of charity. I'll shave off under-attenders in a month or two as the standings really hot up. However H+1 will remain at 3 after the next game therefore possibly allowing Thunderfunk officially back into things should he be able to attend.

As we're still at an early stage, a single victory for anyone could make a massive shift in standings. Example: The Professor returns for the next game, wins and goes top with an ave of 20.000. Stranger things have happened (The Pussy Doctor has won an Annual Championship after all).


                                      P    W    2nd   L    Pts    Ave
Killawatt                        4      1      0     0     49    12.250
Bottleneck                     3      1      0     1     34     11.333
GingaPrince                   4      1      1     1     40     10.000
Wee Rambo                  4      1      0     0     27      6.750
The Raiser                     4      0      2     1     45     11.250
Petawatt                        4      0      0     0     45     11.250
The Gynaecologist         3      0      1     0     33     11.000
Sea Cock                      1      0      0     0      5       5.000
Daddy Dunkbucket        2     0      0     1      9       4.500

Feel free to keep an eye on your totals and double check my sums. If I get anything wrong I'll update it asap.