Result - Saturday 6th October

The Baptist's bro

1. Gingle Berries
2. Bottleneck
3. Wee Rambo
4. The Raizerio
5. Sea Cock
6= Killawatt
6= Petawatt
8. The Dr
9. The Baptist

This week, at Kev's Colosseum, as part of my continuing expiation of past poker sins I once more subjected myself to continued strafing by the Gods of Poker.

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How the fudge was that for an opening line my poker playing cohorts????? Due to the late completion of this match report I have endeavoured to push out the proverbial boat and extol a game description from some higher realm.

My spell in poker purgatory appears to be nearing it's cessation as those aforementioned and very fickle deities allowed me to rise to the giddy heights of fourth (4th) place making my attendance almost (almost) worthwhile for once.

Ah if only The Raizerio hadn't been able to make it, surmised The Baptist, who got stabbed in the front in a fateful hand where your humble and increasingly gentlemanly narrator escaped serious injury in an early all-in manscrap to the poker death.

With successive regeneration from JackSix to The Raiser through The Raizerio I now appear to have settled in my new form as The One True Gentleman of Poker. Whilst L.I.Am suffered an early exit holding 66677 to my 77766, my hand was not the Nuts with a shining bullet lurking on the flop and his long considered call to my all-in re-raise sent a tremor of trepidity amongst my very being. But I did not shed a tear for his pickle for in a game of poker, emotion is left at the door along with your weapon.

Amongst this hand of mortal fate the condescension so often oozing from the pores of the Killawatt bubbled to the surface. A thorough slab of wisdom was awarded, gratis, to Scotland's only member of the Blackeyedpeas amid-hand whilst fully amidst The Gentleman's crosshairs. Whilst The One True Gentleman was asked for his permission prior to the dissemination of Killawatt's pansophy, your poor humble scribe was placed within an instant predicament. To agree to allow the advice was a humongous tell. To disagree would emit an equally humongous tell. Your author wonders about the magnitude of the explosion that would have taken place had these tables been turned around upon the former legendary champion herself. But no harm done from this perspective, The Baptist was out and The Gentleman had won his second hand in 4 years.

In a nine player game there are two paths to tread. Either undertake an early program of wealth accumulation by knocking people out and/or winning mukka-chukka hands or simply hang on for grim death. After Mr Am's early fatality each competitor adopted the latter strategy and so everybody seemed to bleed dry of their lifechips leaving a few vulnerable seats.

The Doctor was amidst these benighted peoples, usually at the behest of continual reminders from the other players not to risk anything rash. This inadvertently resulted in never winning anything worthwhile. His last hurrah was an all-in push with that most comical of hands, the old J-6. But the slayer of recent games past, Ol' Sea Penis himself matched the Doctor's chips and revealed A-6. The Doctor required urgent medical assistance, but was treated like a lame horse, Sea Cock's bullet finishing him off.

Seventh position remained vacant this day as the next victim was a double homicide by the Bottleneck. Both Watt's had AK, Sea Cock stayed interested astride A-10 while Bottleneck kept royal company with the King and his Queen. The only card to help anyone was another Q and the victor declared himself the Wattanator!!! While Killawatt's form has been relatively indifferent of late, this was the first time Petawatt had finished outside the top 3 since 1897.

Wee Rambo's Hope Diamond

The doublekill almost developed into an all out bloodbath the very next hand. Ginga Radge piled all-in with AK and found himself up against 66 held by the jungle running, helicopter flying, knife stabbing Wee Rambo. But a K appeared keeping the soon to be Ice Road Trucker lived to truck another day.

So 5th place was reserved for Sea Cock as his status decamped from 'Still in' to 'Oot' in a hand with shades of that which ended the participation of The Doctor. With little option other than hope for the best with a J7, Ginga Prince extinguished the fishy lifeblood of the sailing Sea Cock with a decisive K7 and then there were four.

And I was somehow still one of them. As was Bottleneck. But with Wee Rambo (lucky) and Ginga Radge (trucky) making up the four, we already knew we wouldn't be able to win.

Gingle Berries listening material

I utilised all the gumption I've shown recently by manufacturing a position where I was all in with J2. It was no match for the Q8 of Bottleneck and the weaklings of the foursome succeeded in making the ultimate goal of victory even easier for the two favourites when Queenboy hit another 8. Now that I am The One True Gentleman of Poker, I do not point out that I never hit in these positions while always suffering exactly the opposite when my opponent hits cards he usually doesn't even require.

A spectacular mash up ensued at the next crossroads when Wee Rambo pushed his remaining wealth behind 4-5 of diamantes. The Prince couldn't avoid the showdown with his QQ. By the cessation of the hand Penicuik's very own Sly Stallone impersonator had hit two Hope Diamonds before the appearance of a third Killer Queen.

Liquid Lunch

Online betting closed immediately as this pitted GingaTomatoSoupAddict against eighteen times married Bottleneck in a heads-up bitch slap that was only going to have one winner. The latter flew at the former with 77 (diamonds and clubs) but was beaten back down with 88 (diamonds and clubs) as the weight of poker history refused to allow Bottleneck a second win of the season. The end soon arrived as Bottleneck's Q6 flapped to a slow and painful death, like a Mackerel in a Mackerel fisherman's creel. The Radge already had enough with a K3 and strode onto the winners podium with the arrival of an aggrandising 3.