2013 Championship Decider

10 x 10 =

Saturday 4th January 2014 was the day deemed fit to host this most momentous of contests in the Scottish sporting calendar. Kev's Colosseum welcomed a capacity crowd of 10 with the 2013 Championship Trophy still within the grasp of four players.

They were Championship leader The Doctor (3 wins in 2013), past champion The Ging'r Radge (2 wins) and Championship virgins, The Bondi Bonfire (2 wins) & Wee Rambo (2 wins). Two other players with 2 wins, PP$ hall-of-famers Dunderfunkin & Killawatt had averages that couldn't overcome that of the table topping Doctor no matter the result of this game.

Things at the opposite end of the table were decided, much to the delight of The One True Gentleman and Petawatt, purely by the appearance of Sea Cock, his attendance tipping him into half-plus-one qualification for the Final Table. His wretched average ensured he couldn't overhaul the averages of the former two even with a win, unless there was a sudden unforeseen alteration to the laws of mathematics. He'll be stirring his soup with a 'widden spin' for the next twelve months!!!

At stake was the ultimate prize in World Poker, the PP$ Annual Championship Trophy. But as this was the Championship Game, there is also the Tenner Game Trophy. And not only that, but ten tenners for the winner and Amazon vouchers for 2nd and 3rd place courtesy of match sponsors, K & FW Services.

The game began at a measured pace, but also, the bombs began to flow. These early incendiaries probably laying the foundations for the explosive carnage that arrived later. First up was a 'family' round of as yet unnamed Cointreau bombs in a Perry perimeter. Boosh!!!

Petawatt in laptop frenzy

Around this time the attendees were treated to a vintage performance by slapdash local comedian, Petawatt who launched into a frenzied assault on his poor laptop with glass based ornaments elevating past clumsiness to a new level. These performances make the anticipation of the next game, and his next routine, a mouth-watering prospect. Hopefully he could devise something with a tray of knives or some live cables (or indeed both) to keep the entertainment level high. And still they let this man ride a bike at speeds down hills.

Not long after being dragged away from his fliptop portal, Petawatt showed the first (and only) bullets of the evening. On his right, Rambo the Younger was busy building large stacks of 10's.

With the word 'sober' leaving the building as a relevant word, the Omaha hands began to rattle some chips around the table and to be honest, details of the game I didn't actually note down (exit hands only) become very sketchy quite early.

The odd K-J or A-suited kept my own whingeing levels low and also brought a hand or two to kick the granny into touch. The Doctor, trying to concentrate his purty little ass off was simply making a new raft of mistakes, getting people to play before it was their turn and that sort of thing (no prizes for guessing the victim of his vein-popping, swivel eyed aggression...). In His Regal Corner, on His Regal Throne, Killawatt was showing all the signs of increasing imbibification as his volume control spiralled to 11 and beyond.

10th place. Last place. First oot. Call it what you will. It went to Bottleneck. Getting drawn into an Omaha all-in with a pair of K's, Captain Birdseye blew him out the water with a hand I have in my notes as "(CL)". Any decipherification welcome.

Mid match, when the drink was a-talkin

And then things went pear-shaped. A cock-up by the Doctor, I mean Dealer, nope, same thing, resulted in a player being all-in before another player realised he hadn't been dealt a hand. Killawatt then went on a long discussion with himself about what he'd decided should happen, and when an alternate view was belatedly and politely proposed before a 'steamroller vote' (actual term used by the opposition), lets just say debate was had for a lengthy period. It was eventually resolved against Killawatt's opinion, but at least we could move on.

Then about two hands later, just after Killawatt had lost a chunk of chips to your Dear Narrator, two cards from that deck were found in the 'other' deck (PP$ uses two decks), the now well on his way to Nuggetsville Killawatt went airborne demanding a redeal and the 'lengthy discussions' were back on and worse than before.

GingaSlam

It is difficult to say who was apoplectic and who was poorless with laughter at all this, but when the dust finally settled and the game recommenced, within a couple of hands The Ginger Prince was all-in. This hand, the details of which maybe never even went into my head on the night, turned into what my notes refer to as a "Total Chip Stramash". The Prince of Gingia lost the hand and in the blizzard of bombs, misdeals, histrionics and hilarity, was out of the game, out of the championship and before Bottleneck could say 'lets get the fox outta here', The GingaRadge had exited the building.

The Championship would not be returning to Rullion Road. A young girl would be devastated. That's poker luv!!! We all hate it too. Hopefully Daddy didny smash too many holes in the wall when he got home.

Former and still occasional chianti, Dunderfunk took his leave in 8th place at the hands of a resurgent Doctor whose A-3 was enough for the paltry 4-6 off suit. He was followed in 7th place by Sea Cock who charged in behind an A-J to find Wee Rambo holding A-Q.

Killawatt was in soapy bubble around this time but majorly doubled-up against Wee Rambo when his A-3 trumped the latters K-3.

Petawatt went out in 6th with a perfectly respectable A-K but The Doctor edged him out with pocket 9's. No help for either on the board meant a slipping back into the middle placings for the winner of the penultimate game of the season.

With half the field now smoted into 2013 poker oblivion, 3 players were still on for the title with myself and Killawatt only able to cause pain and havoc for the hopefuls. Things soon moved on apace as these players found themselves in this hand;

J-J     Killawatt (all-in)
A-Q   Wee Rambo (all-in)
A-K   The Bonfire (praying-to-a-God-he-hadn't-previously-believed-in)

Killa led after the flop before a killer bullet appeared on the turn. Killawatt was out. Wee Rambo was out. While Shantanamo Gay moved to the cusp of PP$ Championship Dreamland. But the Doctor was still lurking.

Suddenly it was The Last Three. Readies and baubles onto the baize time. The culmination of a year of poker pain. Whatever the outcome, the gaudy prize would be leaving the 'Cuik for Auld Reekie.

The One True Gentleman and The Gynaecologist soon locked horns with the latter all-in. With starting hands not in the notes, all I have is "beaten from ahead" and "hit a 9". As I was the victor, I can only hazily recall that my A-9 trumped his pocket pair. I'm happy to be reminded/corrected.

2013 PP$ Champion

And so the title went to the great-great bastarding offspring of Australia's most notorious outlaw. Somewhat fitting, but there was still the small matter of the heads-up to be resolved betwixt Ned Kelly & Ned Frazerio.

The concluding hand of the 2013 season played itself out soon after. Your Humble Scribe, the former Jack-Six, the former The Raiser, the current One True Gentleman of Poker (only the cards, not the chat) found himself with the arme de choix of the slain Killawatt, the controversial K-9, and shoved. And The Bonfire bit straight back with a K-10. While my poker luck has turned for sure this last season, it hasn't turned that much and it was fireworks time around The Bonfire.


2013 Championship Match - Result

1. The Bondi Bonfire
2. The One True Gentleman of Poker
3. The Doctor
4. Wee Rambo
5. Killawatt
6. Petawatt
7. Sea Cock
8. Dunderfunk
9. GingaRadge
10. Bottleneck

Final Table - 2013

                             P     W   2nd    L    Pts      Ave
Shantanamo Gay  11     3     2     0    134     12.182
The Doctor          14     3     1     2     149    10.643
Wee Rambo          9     2     2     1     114    12.667
GingaRadge         16     2     2     1     167    10.438
Killawatt              17     2     3     4     152     8.941
Dunderfunk          12     2     1     2      96      8.000
The Gentleman     16     1     3     1     171    10.688
Petawatt              17     1     2     1     178    10.471
Sea Cock              9     0     1     2     51        5.667

Bottleneck            8      1      0      3     47     5.875
The Baptist           3      0      0      0      6      6.000
Wattinlaw             2      0      0      0      4      2.000



December 2013 Result, for which there was no report:
1. Petawatt  2. The Doctor  3. GingaRadge  4. The Bonfire  5. Dunderfunkin  6. The Gent  7. Killawatt

2012 - Final Table

Qualification = 9 games
                                                    P      W     2nd     L     Pts     Ave
Ginger Radge                              15      5        3       3     172     11.467
The Doctor                                  14      3        4        1     177     12.643
Killawatt                                      15      3        0        0      164     10.933
Sea Cock                                      9      2        0        1       83      9.222
Wee Rambo                                13     1        2        0      140     10.769
Bottleneck                                   14     1        1        6        81      5.786
Petawatt                                      16     0        2        0      166     10.375
The One True Gentleman            15     0       2       2       121     8.067


Dunderfunk                                  8      1       2       2         73       9.125
The Bonfire                                  1      0       0       0          9        9.000
The Baptist                                  3      0        0       2         8         2.667


Match report to follow...

2012 Championship Game - Pre Match Hype

More final table heartache for the GingaStinga???

OMG - It's only the 2012 Championship decider!!!

As is customary, the last game of the season is the first game of the subsequent calendar year. 2012 is yet to be decided.

Saturday 5th January
at
C&FW Services Colosseum.

Once again our sponsor is generously providing prizes. As in previous years, these will go to the 2nd & 3rd placed positions in the Showcase Game with first place snaffling the cash as is Written in the Great PP$ Book of Unwritten Rules!!! I'm sad to report that yet again we've been shunned by every single television broadcaster so the world will miss out on our particular brand of tasty caird action.

The current table is coming up, then some comment on what's at stake for the movers and shakers. I've also especially added the total points range/swing each player can achieve giving an idea how far up/down the placings each player can rise/fall.

Max - Assumes a win added to present totals
Min - Assumes a last place added to present totals

                                               P     W     2nd     L     Pts     Ave          (Max/Min)
Gingle Berries                        14     4       3       3     152     10.857     (11.467/10.133)
The Gynaecologist                 13     3       4       1     162     12.462     (13.000/11.571)
Killawatt                                 14     3       0       0     162     11.571     (12.133/10.800)
Sea Cock                                 8     2       0       0      83     10.375     (11.444/9.222)
Wee Rambo                           12     1       2       0     133     11.083     (11.769/10.230)
Bottleneck                              13     1       1       6       70      5.385     (6.429/5.000)
Petawatt                                 15     0       2       0     153     10.200     (10.813/9.563)
The One True Gentleman       14     0       2       2     116     8.286     (9.067/7.733)

The Former Blouse                   7     1       1       2      56     8.000     (9.500/7.000)
The Baptist                                3     0       0       2       8      2.667     (7.000/2.000)

Or will the GingaRadge be laughing all the way to the engravers?

16 games have been played this season making the golden HalfPlusOne mark 9, therefore Dunderfunk is just squeezed out of qualification for the overall final table.

Petawatt will have played the most games in 2012.

Bottleneck has had a disaster, but the one win means he cannot finish last. The Gentleman must win to avoid the wooden spoon, it's between him and Petawatt and he can't catch the latter on points swing alone.

If The Gentleman does win, GingaRadge would win the trophy, which would obviously also be the case if GingaRadge wins on the night.

There are two other players in contention, serial champion Killawatt or one time winner The Doctor. If either of them win on the night, they'll walk away with our spangly monument to poker greatness. Not literally of course because they'll both be kipping in the venue that night. Gingle Berries requires a win by anyone EXCEPT that gruesome twosome on January 5th to lift The Trophy.

Should Dr Gynaecologist win the match and therefore the championship, it will be a phenomenal three year run. Champion in 2010, wooden spoon in 2011, can he go from hero to zero to hero again this season? Nicknames involving yo-yo's are massing on my horizon.

With a combined appearances total of 27, 2012 has basically been owned by The Doctor and GingaPrince who have been heads up or better 14 times between them. Killawatt has only made the last two on three occasions, but has somehow done enough to stay right in contention as we reach the season decider.

Wee Rambo has struggled to turn his good showings into hard championship contending stats but will surely be quite happy with his first full season in our exalted company.

Without looking back on previous seasons, I suspect this is Sea Cock's best ever finish, a win could even propel him higher up the final table. At this stage the blog must retract it's previous aspersions on his good name (they already have been in person, but the internet must also be told). He was a no-show at the last game through no fault of his own, but because the Colosseum staff overlooked his invite. Would never have happened in the Albion Road days.

So, the wooden spoon and trophy are undecided and the excitement levels could hardly be higher.

Formerly The Damage, now it's Fiscal Cliff

Hopefully our honorary member, the stateside President Cliff Fiscal will be able to drop in during the munchie break for a chat. I'm sure he sends his best wishes.

All the best from your humble scribe too. Remember your shirts!!! See you there.

PS: There appears to be a statistical inaccuracy in the table. The last place finishes column totals 16 when only 15 games have been played. Please check your results and let me know who I've added the extra ignominious marker to!!!

Result - Saturday 21st April

The One True God (no image available)

Italics denote last hand held
1. The Doctor
7-3 off suit
2. Juggerwatt
6-4 off suit
3. Killawatt
6-3 suited
4. Wee Rambo
Four card flush aka SFA
5. Bottleneck
QJ (v KQ)
6. The Raiser
8-5 off suit
7. Ginga Prince
Trips (at Omaha)

Apologies: The Professor (retired, in the boxing sense), Sea Cock (retired, in the boxing sense), The Damage (left the European Poker Tour & joined the US Poker Tour), Homie formerly known as Aces/DaBlouse/Thunderbucket/Donut, (unavailable for comment).

Poker is a bastard. It really is. What is the point of persevering in the face of such harsh fortune when no amount of skill or perseverance is rewarded and the winner is decided purely on some fickle twist of fate (rhetorical question so I don't think a question mark is required).

There was a midweek game the previous Wednesday. It had been dominated by Wee Rambo who was rewarded both for good calls and bad calls. Didn't really seem to matter as he steamed into the last two with an unsightly chip lead. And at that exact point his golden touch deserted him. Did he massively alter his tactics? Did he forget how to play? Did he which!!! For some reason, the only God that exists - The Poker God - decided that enough was enough and with the inevitability of grim death itself, both the hard & easily won gains of the Miniature Rambo began a steady march across the table to the welcoming embrace of young Petawatt who, after games and games of competent and tight play with no reward finally pocketed the pennies.

The seat where you cannot avoid flushes

With bathroom renovations underway at Kev's Colosseum it was onto Saturday, a new day, so a new game. Not a bit of it. Petawatt discovered that his stock was still high in Poker Heaven. His only problem was avoiding the good cards which pestered him all night. Unable to get dealt something pish, he was forced to partake in most hands and then win them. Occasionally he'd win from being ahead. Other times he'd win from being in the lead. And some more times he'd win from the best starting position. Any time he'd have suffered a bad beat, the opponent had already folded. He had a specific problem trying to avoid 500's as they just kept tumbling towards him. Some of his 500's were even witnessed giving birth to some 100's in his chipstack. Nobody was safe, not even Behemothwatt who couldn't quench the flow.

Another WC refurb suggestion

The Juggerwatt was responsible for the demise of the Ginga Prince before then slaying Wee Rambo for the second game running. Heads up with The Gynaecologist he simply couldn't fail. But then, the Golden Aeroplane in which he was flying lost cabin pressure and spiralled towards the Pentland Mountains and a horrible horrible end. Mr God of Poker had switched his allegiance at a speed that would make Rupert Murdoch proud. The Doctor of dot-to-dot, probably the most hot and cold homeboy in PP$ history caught fire (eh, I think he was on another plane that had fire extinguishers on it and didn't crash and the metaphor, if it was one, has got too messy and I'm going to try to finish the report a little less confusingly).

So The Doctor sparked into life and took all the chips. And won hitting a flush with a 7-3 off suit (this sentence was especially satisfying as an English teacher once told me I couldn't begin a sentence using the word 'and'. Pick it out Ashworth and check out the first sentence in the bible too, only the biggest selling book of all time ya twit).

Where was I? Looking at the 'last hands held' details at the top of the page it looks like only Messrs P & B went out with proper cards. The other five players held 8-5 offsuit, 8-9 suited, 6-3 suited, 6-4 offsuit & 7-3 offsuit. Nothing to make Liv Boree quake in her kitten heels just yet.

This was Doctor dot-to-dot's first win since his Anus Yabeautius in 2010. Five games into this new season we have five players on one win. Tasty. Returning to the first exclamation of this report, maybe poker isn't such a fatherer of illegitimate children after all. The Doctor would certainly beg to differ this morning.

Saturday 31st March

Kev at the 2007 WSoP

Modifications to original text in yelly.

Killawatt stormed back into Championship contention last night at the Rare Books Arena. A rollicking performance in the face of stern opposition had his worldwide fan base on their feet whooping in adoration as he squeezed the last chips from the only remaining challenger, your humble scribe, to chalk up his first victory in the 2012 competition.

As the blinds increased to 2,000/4,000, Killawatt held about 3.5x the big blind while The Raiser had the big blind + 100. All-in was immediately reached and the Champ's A-10 held up against The Raisers 9-3 suited.

For Killawatt it ends three matches without a victory whilst its another case of what might have been for The Raiser who brought his A-game for the second match in a row. Unfortunately, when it does surface, it seldom hangs around and normal mid-table service will probably soon resume for the Peni-Hellmuth.

By this point Aces Duncan sporting an unlucky and overall pretty uninspiring new blouse had long since vacated. Playing cards of incredible looseness (politest way I can think to put it) he barely lasted seconds as he chucked half his chips at Bottleneck with a middling flush (J-high) whilst the host held Q-high.(the A was on the board). Unperturbed, soon after when The Raiser checked his AA and was pot raised by the in-a-hurry Corstorphinite, a pot re-raise wasn't enough to stop Thunderfunk piling all his chips behind an A9 off-suit. The silence around the table was broken only when a small voice tried to offer support mentioning that three 9's would help him, three 9's dialled on the phone maybe!!!

Seemingly unable to stay in the match if nobody is shouting at him to stay in the match, Willie WarmBeer (aka Wee Rambo) soon followed. In a hand of potential mass carnage involving;

Wee Rambo enraged at bad beat

Wee Rambo - AJ suited
Bottleneck - KQ suited
Killawatt - AQ offsuit
GingaStinga - AK offsuit

...the latter pair managed to extricate themselves from the impending bloodbath after raises & re-raises from the first pair (after much high pitched whining of course). Such a major move so early blew up in the fizog of the fearless Mini-Stallone and he was left fiddling menacingly with his weapons in an all too familiar early exit position.

The next victim of the cairds in 6th place was GingaRadge at the end of a noticeably more subdued performance than normal. While he ended up all-in with A4 v Bottleneck also with A4, the hosts cairds were suited and as the river came, life imitated art as GingaStinga pleaded with the poker gods not to end it like this.

Not like this...

It was reminiscent to this observer of the scene in The Matrix when Cypher pulls the plug on Switch as she pleadingly mutters "not like this". The cairds were brutal, the river brought a flush for Bobbybawbag and in a rebel ship somewhere deep within the earth's crust The Ginga Prince's lifeless corpse slumped to the floor (ok, the last bit might not have happened). Then there were five.

Eat this Turner!!!

Those not in attendance on the night should now prepare to hold their sides as they may soon begin to split. Those who did attend are surely already pi$$ing their pants once more. The Doctor, the exalted Brain of the table, the wisest of the lot almost knocked himself unconscious on a howfing great big lump of ignominy that suddenly appeared over his supersonic cranium. Having endured a round of checking, The Doctor made a tidy raise. Petawatt folded, Killawatt folded, The Raiser folded. The Doctor, jumping to the conclusion that the hand was over reached for the pot and declared the table to be populated by a "bunch of pussies". But Bottleneck was still in and didn't need a Poker A-Z to interpret that little snippet of info. The Doctor held Q8 with the 8 being top pair. Bottleneck trumped this with an A8 and the pussies could hardly contain themselves as the 2010 champion exited the game in 5th. Toot toot!!!

To this point Petawatt had been unleashing his new style on the PP$. Not content to solidly reach 2nd or 3rd place before bleeding dry, some (almost) aggressive betting had propelled him into contention. On the button he called with 5-5, Killawatt folded the small and The Raiser was delighted to be allowed to see the flop with his 2-3 offsuit. When the flop came down 3-3-10, The Raiser naturally checked, The Fur Warrior raised, The Raiser re-raised Petawatt all-in (leaving myself a single chip) and was most pleased when Petawatt called it. The last two cards were dud and two bad moves in one hand ended the Petawatts participation.

Killawatt had spent a while skirting around all-in territory but was handed a value chance v Bottleneck when he called in a troublesome spot against a raise that offered Killa enough value to call, his top pair held up (against heehaw) and his double-up was effectively fatal for the Bottlenecks chances. Soon after Killawatt reluctantly turned off Bottlenecks life support when he called the Bottlenecks K-3 with a 9-2 suited and the flop brought a flush for Mr I-know-the-odds-but-never-seem-to-get-shafted-by-them.

It's still too soon to tell if Bottleneck has lost his endgame after its single appearance- watch this space.
Then it was heads-up which lasted a wee while before the timer and the blinds brought down the final curtain. Four games, four winners, table to follow later in the week.

1. Killawatt
2. The Raiser
3. Bottleneck
4. PETAwatt
5. The Doctor
6. Ginga Prince
7. Wee Rambo
8. Dunkin Donut

Apologies: The Damage (teleporter still on the blink), The Professor (better things to do than donate a fiver to Kev), Sea Cock (unable to break through Gilmerton front line).

Saturday 28th January 2012

Winners all look the same to me

Result:
1. GingaStinga
2. The Doctor (seriously)
3. Petawatt
4. Killawatt
5. The Raiser
6. Sea Cock
7. Wee Rambo
8. Bottleneck

As Roger Daltrey still repeats to this day, 'Meet the new boss, same as the old boss'.

His Royal Radgeness obliterated allcomers at the Rare Books Arena on Saturday leading your humble scribe to suspect that we may be at a PP$ juncture, a handing over of power, a changing of the guard, which ultimately is a return to the same old same old...

PP$ at a Crossroad?

Having seemingly realised that going all-in, always, with anything just isn't a successful tactic, the GingaStinga has tweaked his game in recent weeks. The aggression is still there for sure as are the big chip moves, but there has been a subtle tweaking to an as yet unidentified part of his game that this observer believes may be the end of the KillaWatt golden era.

While KillaWatt utilised his unbelievable luck as always, making lucky mis-reads and suchlike and mid-game was positioned nicely for his customary theft of the money, he fizzled out in 4th looking a shadow of his 2011 poker self. Unlikely as it may seem, it was left to a resurgent Doctor to push the StingingGing over the finishing line.

It's only taken about 3 years for the penny to drop, but I'd like to take some credit in the downfall of the Director of Jay & Silent Bob after last week's Internet-hate campaign where I beseeched people not to give their feckin chips to Kev!!!! In the beginning, this was happening but on a much smaller basis than previously and no doubt 7 players had my high pitched whinging in their mind when they were in a hand with the previously Infallible One.

Earlier, Bottleneck yelped in pain when his Q-J high, heart flush was beasted by the Ginga ones massively superior A-K high heart flush. Being dealt the first two pocket A's of the new season couldn't save the host and he was forced to sit in pain for the rest of the evening as his vanquisher went on to pocket the pennies.

Wee Rambo continues with his cunning strategy of making us think he's shit. This time he went out holding A-8 (58.96%) against your narrator's K-9 (40.7%), a bit unlucky for sure. Probably a case of trying not to be in that position in the first place which is easier said than done. Or, better to be lucky than good!!!

Sea Cock had a ship to catch as usual. Killawatt was the first to hear the foghorn and tried to get the former Buoy's chips. Unfortunately I cannot recall exactly how he was sunk.

The greatest player never to have won the title went out in 5th when Ginga's low pair tripped me. But not before some mad hands. With an 8-8-3 flop, Dean made me put down 10-10 with some big raising and then assuring me he'd have gone all the way with his very own 10-10. Too loose for me. Earlier, despite not having bought a pot for months and doing everything possible to show I'm never at it any more, my re-raising of Kev's raise was met with him re-raising again, all pre-flop. It made me put down 10-10. He declared he thought I was at it (he held a more than respectable, BUT BEHIND, A-Q/J) and we chased the rabbit. Naturally the first card out was a 10. Hmmm. Revenge was magnificent though. For the first time this century I played with a J-6, my allegedly lucky hand and was able to bet Killa off of his very own fave hand, a K-9 which had hit and would have held up. Thigh slapping jocularity all round.

Once the reigning champ was deposited on the scrapheap of history in 4th place, his online-tournament-ingrained sibling maintained his place high/fizzle out pattern bleeding dry one hand after a final double up from a low stack. To win, you have to be willing to risk losing young man. But don't listen to me, what do I know about winning titles.

With two players left it was always going to be the Radge's prize. The Doctor, with tears rolling down his cheeks and the crowds singing his name was simply delighted just to be back in a heads-up situation. His Anus Horribilus (sic) was tough for us all. However, the achilles heel was still evident. For some reason, anytime the good Doctor wins a hand, he feels he has to lose all his chips before the next two hands have elapsed. Fortunately for him, he'd survived this induced psychosis earlier in the evening and made it to the final two.

No date for the next outing yet. What is clear though is that one or two players are already chasing their half-plus-one.

Apologies: The Professor (unable to leave almost-Kelso three times in the same day), Da Blouse (in the burns unit at ERI due to flash fire at Blouse Burning Ceremony), The Damage (unwilling to put in the hours of travel).