Result - 24/11/2012

It is well and truly squeaky bum time in the Palace of the Ginger Prince as his two game lead was slashed to just one by a resurgent Killawatt on Saturday evening. Not just that but the regal pretender was unceremoniously dumped out in 7th with only Bottleneck to break his fall!!!

This looks like a job for the Superman Bomb!!!

1. Killawatt
2. Thunderfunk
3. Dino the Vino
4. The Gentleman
5. Wee Rambo
6. Petawatt
7. GingaRadge
8. Bottleneck

With a screaming little miracle due to thunk into a bucket in the new year (© Bill Hicks), this was billed as the last game ever scheduled to take place at the Rare Books Arena. Patrons didn't appear too perturbed, in this age of retiral's and comebacks (Hatton, Schumacher, Jordan, Streisand), a withdrawal of service usually isn't worth the Nexus it's typed on. Nonetheless a backup venue was immediately sought with Wee Rambo announcing he'd be more than happy to create a clearing in his jungle for some caird battles next season. Naming rights still available.

With an eye on marking the end of the Rare Books era, the Bomb Bros ensured proceedings would go swimmingly by supplying ingredients and receptacles for the latest Bombz. The evening was kicked off for the non-drivers with the newly devised Superman Bomb (see above pic). This led us directly into the first hand as one Bomb too many was poured, meaning the victor in the 1st hand would get the spare and be two whole Bombz to the good before the start of the second hand. Bombtastic!!!

Combining my skinflint tendencies and my alcohol problems, I was swiftly installed as favourite for that first hand and took it down with a minimum of fuss. Might be an idea to pretend there is drink for the victor of all hands from now on.

The soon to be mothballed Rare Books Arena

Sounding an early warning of things to come Killawatt drew first blood by eliminating the host with a full house on the flop in the last hand before the break. Bottleneck's big slick took a right hiding before stating to your blogger to note in the match report that "Bottleneck is unhappy with his luck". This is about as apeshit as I've seen him get.

The curse of the best hand soon did for the GingaRadge too. Looking good with two big dirty Kings against Dunderfunk's 10-10 his disgust was evident when a third 10 appeared. His Power Rangers, toy car and favourite teddy bear were slung across the table and Petawatt had to fetch the tissue while the rest of us cleared up his discarded toys.

While Gingle Berries cooled off on the naughty step Petawatt exited in 6th with a KJ against The Doctors KK. Poker fate wasn't as cruel to the Dr's Kings and the game was sad to see an unusually alert Petawatt join the casualty list. It was pointed out that this blog has historically been harsh on my closest wooden spoon contender, for that I do not apologise. All ire is earned, any praise is usually an oversight.

A particularly ugly threesome then took place between Killawatt, Wee Rambo and The Man with No Nickname. The latter was chip boss, Killawatt was all -in and in deep trouble whilst Wee Rambo put bravery before cowardice and shoved nobly. Killawatt had the best hand taking the side pot and getting a big double up, which wouldn't be the last time on the night. This left Wee Rambo against Dunderfunk in the main pot with WR being sucked out by a low kicker, Dunderfunk having "forgot about the side pot aspect".

So all of a sudden I was in the top four, not quite playing the game of my life, but almost enjoying the cairds for once. It wasn't to last. An A4 prompted The Gentleman to push all-in, Killawatt (not a gentleman) raised with an A5, but was gazumped by The Doctor with an AK and forced to fold, as you'd expect, wittering on about what the Dr should have done. Knocking me out and winning the hand obviously not good enough for the Hairy Oracle.

Dunderfunk, looking to put himself out having overran his pass, got busy with 89 clubs and met Killawatt in pocket Cowboys mode. Hitting a flush on the turn left Killa needing a 2, 5, 7, K or club to knock out the Dunderfunk, he missed and suddenly we had a big chip leader.

With three players left there was now a run of big clashes. Dunderfunk trying to go home, The Doctor waiting on good cards and Killawatt in amongst it probably playing the best poker.

Dunderfunk 66 v Killa AK all-in - AK both came, big double up

With the blinds now at 500/1000 The Doctor went out in third, Dunderfunk still trying to go home moving in with 34 suited hit a 4 v The Doctor's A9 suited and Dr Consistency was no more.

Dunderfunk soon had Killa all in with a Q9 against J7, but nobody hit a thing and Killa again had a big double up. Soon they were locking horns again. Killa emerged victorious with another big double up as his 44 turned into a straight against J3. Soon Killa's 44 tripped to overcome a JJ this time leaving the former Blouse floundering badly. But he was right back in it when an A7 was far too good for A4.

While such a ding dong is exciting in most sports, the vanquished spectators were beginning to bore somewhat. Another factor, with your scribe about 6 Bombs and 3 cans into the evening, not forgetting the sundry impediments to lucidity, all this was becoming quite difficult to accurately or legibly document and I was relieved when a conclusion was finally reached. Killawatt's A5 was all over Dunderfunk's 10-5 and the money was staying in the Cuik!!!!

Au revoir to Le Rare Books Arena. Can the GingaPrince hold on for another title, although he is no stranger to a last day crash and burn either? Will Killawatt retain his crown? Will The Doctor be able to have a final say in matters? More importantly, who will 'win' the widden spin???

President's Re-election - PP$ Implications

Bang

As the results of the US election emerged it became clear that the PP$ would have to wait at least another four years before President Damage could take leave from his Capitol Hill duties and return to the Penicuik Poker big time for good.

A win for the lizard-in-a-suit challenger, Titt Robme would have allowed President Damage to leave the storm battered nation and return home after being forced to move there following his shock election victory over Sarah Palin four years ago.

A Washington insider said "the President's general hatred of everything kept him ahead in the hate polls. He showed levels of hatred and intolerance the Republicans could only dream of. Add to that the bucketloads of sarcasm he dishes out, the God botherers didn't stand a chance".

One former teacher remarked "he was a right obstreporous wee bugger at school and wouldn't let anyone stand in his way, I always knew he'd never let anyone block his path to the world's top job, Mrs McGregor tried it once and he laid her out cold, after that we just gave him A's and smiled".

Championship Table

The Gentleman's position (geddit?)

The Doctor moves up one place at the expense of Sea Cock and Killawatt after his latest victory now giving GingaRadge a third reason to keep looking over his shoulder as he pursues the trophy. Despite appearances to the contrary, the Doctor's record of six top-two finishes in 11 games suggests either he is indeed a canny player, or alternatively the rest of us just canny play. I speak at least for myself in this last respect. However it has been noted that my prescription at the beginning of Heids-up in the last game that he should down his Bomb forthwith to help increase either his chances of winning or negation of pain in the case of a defeat quite spectacularly propelled him to the 'W'.

Conversely to The Doctor, Petawatt, a seeming paragon of clever consistency at the table finds himself languishing winless and too close to the wooden spoon for comfort. Indeed, if anyone beats me to the wooden spoon after the form and luck I've unbeknowingly inflicted upon myself, they'll have to seriously consider their future in cairds altogether.

Half Plus One = 7

Gingle Berries                       12    4    3    3    145   12.083
Dr Doctor                              11    2    4    1    128   11.636
Killawatt                                 12    2    0    0    127   10.583
Sea Cock                                8     2    0    0     83    10.375
Wee Rambo                           10    1    1    0    106   10.600
Bottleneck                               11    1    1    4     70     6.364
Petawatt                                  13    0    2    0    138   10.615
The One True Gentleman      12    0    2    2     93     7.750

Next game is scheduled for the Rare Books Arena on Saturday 24th November I do believe. Sadly this will most likely be the last game at aforementioned venue due to previous nocturnal shenanigans (purely a euphemism, activities may well have been during daylight).

Saturday 27th October - Result

Dr Victorious

1. The Gynaecologist
2. Ginga Radge
3. Wee Rambo
4. Sea Cock
5. Killawatt
6. Petawatt
7. The One True Gentleman
8. Bottleneck

Apologies: The Damage (Eastern Seaboard), Hurricane Andy (Eastern Seaboard), L.I.Am (In the studio), The Prof (almost totally retired).

As the end of the season and the exalted Championship Game loom into sight, playaz begin to get a bit twitchy around this time of year. With the publication of an up to date Championship Table before the game all manner of permutations swill around inside the mostly empty bonce's of the PP$ massive.

When an inanimate plastic button just won't do

The Raj of Gingia finds himself atop the 2012 rankings and within sight of a first championship for between 2-7 years (stats office is closed on a Sunday as I write this, if indeed you can classify this as writing). It is often said she holds only a Plan A (a rather decent Plan A, but one single plan nonetheless) and her stats bear this out somewhat. After this game she has now played 12 games and finished 1st, 2nd or last in 10 of them. A high risk strategy that might pay off in poker, but maybe think twice about getting in this dude's motor should you have designs on ultimately reaching your destination.

Early excitement was provided with the introduction of an all-singing, all-dancing new dealer chip, see photo.

Whilst all players survived until after the break (The Baptist & The Prof not in attendance & Ginga Radge not getting a good enough all-in hand til post-munchies) it was Bottleneck who was out the traps early accumulating the first decent chipstack. Famous from Cornbank to Reno for not having an endgame, this didn't concern many at the table and not long after saying he was yet to hear a Savile joke, then being bombarded by some, he was, metaphorically at least, like Sir Jimmy, lying six feet under in an unmarked grave.

The One True Gentleman, who is vying with Bottleneck for the wooden spoon, continued on his teary run of form.  The very next hand after Bottleneck's demise the former Raiser was all-in with 77 and up against two players with aces. Being ahead at this stage, just like being behind at this stage means The Gentleman is going to lose. Another Ace appeared and I finished 3rd in a hand I was leading when I pushed. Christ even I'm bored stupid with my hard luck stories now.

The next hand saw a Watt-off. Brunette Watt, on a granny shoved all-in behind a 78 whilst Blonde Watt had to back his AQ. The former hit both his cards whilst dodging either of the latter's. While I may be bored stupid with my own hard luck stories, YET AGAIN, WHY THE HELL CAN'T I HOLD UP OR GET LUCKY LIKE THIS, EVER, never mind from behind like Brunette Watt here??? Drives me mad.

With consecutive hands knocking out Bottleneck, then The Gentleman, then Killawatt surviving an all-in, just two hands later it was Petawatt's turn to seek the exit. His AQ v Ginga Radge's AQ looked OK until the Radge hit his flush on the river. It really was Deathsville!!!

Killawatt soon got a taste of what it's like to be The Gentleman shoving his stack behind 88. Sea Cock fancied a K4 for some reason, hit his K and the Watt clan lay slain on the field of battle.

By now, just like a couple of games ago, the Ginga Prince had sat patiently with rubbish cards all night before now beginning to hit hand after hand and building a chip empire to match. His overall lead came when his 33 held up against a flush chasin Dr with A9.

Sea Cock, who is trying to get a new nickname with a sweary word in it past the censors of this blog (me) left the game in 4th place. Forced into action with an A6, the A-10 of the new chip leader beat him up good.

This left two potential winners and a patsy in the shapes of Ginga Radge, Wee Rambo & The Doctor of Doodling. Wee Rambo, not working at 4am, left the game in 3rd place after his KQ met a 67 and the flop came 10-9-8 making it cash on the table time.

Championship Leader Gingle Berries was massive favourite at this point with 15,200 chips to the Doctor's 1600. Unfortunately I forget what the blinds were. But it didn't look good for the Doctor who until now, rather unusually, had managed to avoid hoying all his chips in behind cock-all on a mad whim. No doubt this would happen soon.

Heads up Spab Boy action

Spectators were soon diving for cover as the wheels spectacularly began falling off of the Flame Haired bandwagon. First The Doctor hit a higher straight to double up. Then all-in with AJ he met a AK but hit a J (again, I refer you back to my years of bad luck, this does not happen to The One True Gentlemen, thank goodness for all of us I never go on about it). Then the Doctor had 10-10 and found himself against 6-6 and tripped a 10. The Championship Leader was floundering badly by now. Even when he scrambled some chips back and the overall stacks were even enough, the psychological game was done and dusted and it only seemed a matter of time until his ultimate demise. It came when his 55 found The Doctor holding AQ suited. An A duly arrived, the game was over and an unlikely win fell into the lap of The Gynaecologist. Any delusions that he played well or worse, 'deserved' the win can be easily countered by referring back to his AJ v AK win. Loocky, loocky bastid!!!!

Championship Table

12 Games - Half Plus One = 7

                                               P    W    2nd    L     Pts       Ave
GingaPrince                           11     4       2      3    128   11.636
Killawatt                                 11    2      0      0     119    10.818
Sea Cock                                7      2      0     0      72     10.286
The Dr                                    10    1      4     1      108   10.800
Wee Rambo                            9      1      1     0      92     10.222
Bottleneck                               10    1     1      3      70      7.000
Petawatt                                  12    0     2      0      133    11.083
The One True Gentleman        11     0     2      2       91     8.273

Former Blouse                         5      1     0      2      37      7.400

Result - Saturday 6th October

The Baptist's bro

1. Gingle Berries
2. Bottleneck
3. Wee Rambo
4. The Raizerio
5. Sea Cock
6= Killawatt
6= Petawatt
8. The Dr
9. The Baptist

This week, at Kev's Colosseum, as part of my continuing expiation of past poker sins I once more subjected myself to continued strafing by the Gods of Poker.

Article Aid

How the fudge was that for an opening line my poker playing cohorts????? Due to the late completion of this match report I have endeavoured to push out the proverbial boat and extol a game description from some higher realm.

My spell in poker purgatory appears to be nearing it's cessation as those aforementioned and very fickle deities allowed me to rise to the giddy heights of fourth (4th) place making my attendance almost (almost) worthwhile for once.

Ah if only The Raizerio hadn't been able to make it, surmised The Baptist, who got stabbed in the front in a fateful hand where your humble and increasingly gentlemanly narrator escaped serious injury in an early all-in manscrap to the poker death.

With successive regeneration from JackSix to The Raiser through The Raizerio I now appear to have settled in my new form as The One True Gentleman of Poker. Whilst L.I.Am suffered an early exit holding 66677 to my 77766, my hand was not the Nuts with a shining bullet lurking on the flop and his long considered call to my all-in re-raise sent a tremor of trepidity amongst my very being. But I did not shed a tear for his pickle for in a game of poker, emotion is left at the door along with your weapon.

Amongst this hand of mortal fate the condescension so often oozing from the pores of the Killawatt bubbled to the surface. A thorough slab of wisdom was awarded, gratis, to Scotland's only member of the Blackeyedpeas amid-hand whilst fully amidst The Gentleman's crosshairs. Whilst The One True Gentleman was asked for his permission prior to the dissemination of Killawatt's pansophy, your poor humble scribe was placed within an instant predicament. To agree to allow the advice was a humongous tell. To disagree would emit an equally humongous tell. Your author wonders about the magnitude of the explosion that would have taken place had these tables been turned around upon the former legendary champion herself. But no harm done from this perspective, The Baptist was out and The Gentleman had won his second hand in 4 years.

In a nine player game there are two paths to tread. Either undertake an early program of wealth accumulation by knocking people out and/or winning mukka-chukka hands or simply hang on for grim death. After Mr Am's early fatality each competitor adopted the latter strategy and so everybody seemed to bleed dry of their lifechips leaving a few vulnerable seats.

The Doctor was amidst these benighted peoples, usually at the behest of continual reminders from the other players not to risk anything rash. This inadvertently resulted in never winning anything worthwhile. His last hurrah was an all-in push with that most comical of hands, the old J-6. But the slayer of recent games past, Ol' Sea Penis himself matched the Doctor's chips and revealed A-6. The Doctor required urgent medical assistance, but was treated like a lame horse, Sea Cock's bullet finishing him off.

Seventh position remained vacant this day as the next victim was a double homicide by the Bottleneck. Both Watt's had AK, Sea Cock stayed interested astride A-10 while Bottleneck kept royal company with the King and his Queen. The only card to help anyone was another Q and the victor declared himself the Wattanator!!! While Killawatt's form has been relatively indifferent of late, this was the first time Petawatt had finished outside the top 3 since 1897.

Wee Rambo's Hope Diamond

The doublekill almost developed into an all out bloodbath the very next hand. Ginga Radge piled all-in with AK and found himself up against 66 held by the jungle running, helicopter flying, knife stabbing Wee Rambo. But a K appeared keeping the soon to be Ice Road Trucker lived to truck another day.

So 5th place was reserved for Sea Cock as his status decamped from 'Still in' to 'Oot' in a hand with shades of that which ended the participation of The Doctor. With little option other than hope for the best with a J7, Ginga Prince extinguished the fishy lifeblood of the sailing Sea Cock with a decisive K7 and then there were four.

And I was somehow still one of them. As was Bottleneck. But with Wee Rambo (lucky) and Ginga Radge (trucky) making up the four, we already knew we wouldn't be able to win.

Gingle Berries listening material

I utilised all the gumption I've shown recently by manufacturing a position where I was all in with J2. It was no match for the Q8 of Bottleneck and the weaklings of the foursome succeeded in making the ultimate goal of victory even easier for the two favourites when Queenboy hit another 8. Now that I am The One True Gentleman of Poker, I do not point out that I never hit in these positions while always suffering exactly the opposite when my opponent hits cards he usually doesn't even require.

A spectacular mash up ensued at the next crossroads when Wee Rambo pushed his remaining wealth behind 4-5 of diamantes. The Prince couldn't avoid the showdown with his QQ. By the cessation of the hand Penicuik's very own Sly Stallone impersonator had hit two Hope Diamonds before the appearance of a third Killer Queen.

Liquid Lunch

Online betting closed immediately as this pitted GingaTomatoSoupAddict against eighteen times married Bottleneck in a heads-up bitch slap that was only going to have one winner. The latter flew at the former with 77 (diamonds and clubs) but was beaten back down with 88 (diamonds and clubs) as the weight of poker history refused to allow Bottleneck a second win of the season. The end soon arrived as Bottleneck's Q6 flapped to a slow and painful death, like a Mackerel in a Mackerel fisherman's creel. The Radge already had enough with a K3 and strode onto the winners podium with the arrival of an aggrandising 3.

Result - Saturday 22nd September

1. Gingle Berries

The Raiser (since March 2011)

2. Petawatt

3. Wee Rambo

4. Sea Cock

5. Killawatt

6. The Raizerio

7. Bottleneck

8. Dr Doctor

Apologies: The Damage (Babysitting), Player Formerly Known As Da Blouse (No excuse), Player Formerly Known As The Raiser (Still Sending Cheaper Mexican Equivalent Until Further Notice).

Any joy has long since been sucked out of this wretched game. So I embarked on the evening fully expecting to donate a fiver to an undeserving cause and hoping not to come last. By this criteria my evening was a raging success. Indeed, despite being about as hopeless, useless and rubbish as its possible to be, I still lasted longer than two other players.

With myself and Bottleneck struggling to find a winning hand between us, in the meantime The Doctor still managed to donate chips aplenty to the willing Watts. Petawatt was especially subsidised before The Doctor reached his panic phase. This is the phase he uses to exit every game he doesn't win. It goes something like:

• Lose a hand
• Get rubbish cards next hand
• Panic
• Go all in with nothing

This pattern was followed to the letter to the point that before his panic all-in bet had hit the baize, The Raizerio was exclaiming "Spunk, Spunk, Spunk alert, he's Spunking all his chips". He was called and if I recall correctly, had a 8 high.

So he transferred to shuffling and dealing duties whilst two other players were still wrestling with their granny. Eventually I was able to win a hand, my only one of the night. As I did, I noticed a small tear form in the corner of Bottlenecks eye and run down his cheek. By jove I'd broken him with a little help from Texas Hold'em. He was soon all in blind with a 3-4 off suit and a look of real hatred in his eyes as his challenge expired. It might have been tiredness, I get awfy confused.

So I've won one hand. Two fine players are out. Yet Sea Cock and Petawatt, somehow with decent chipstacks appear to be struggling with the simplest of instructions such as this:

GingaRadge: 240 to you Sea Cock

Sea Cock: (Thinks for an hour or so until the buzzer goes a couple of times, makes some funny noises)

The Raiser: You know its you yeah?

Sea Cock: Ahh its just so difficult, I can't work it out, how much is it to me.

The Raiser: (talking in caps now) TWOHUNDREDANDFORTYFFS, what's to work out?

Sea Cock: (makes some more funny noises)

The Raiser: You're so obviously going to fold, just fold, will you fold, please fold, I've got a wife and kids you know, I don't want to die this wayayayayay.

Sea Cock: (inevitably) Fold.

Earlier, we'd witnessed a hand that wouldn't be out of place in a 'How not to play poker' tutorial. The Doctor had already turned over his A-10 long before the conclusion of the hand giving him an almost unassailable A-high straight. The Cock o' the Sea contrived to be in the hand until the showdown when he at least got the 'when to turn your cards over' bit right. This is when the rest of the table noticed that he had a straight flush from K to 9 (I mean, how couldn't any competent player notice they had a straight flush?). Last to bet, with a straight flush (aka The Nuts), didn't raise. Astonishing.

Why the ire at people who consistently stay in longer than you but don't seem to know what they're doing Raizerio? Coz I had him by the danglies earlier in the night and he hit the river to win, and had the cheek to complain. Talk about pressing all my buttons at once. And after all that he still hasn't procured me a free boat despite insistent reminders. Really needs to get his finger out.

Cripes, almost forgot to whinge about my own exit. So there I was getting shocking cards all night, as you do, then the cheating dealer basturts cocked up and dealt me a pair of 8's by mistake. Needing three snookers by this stage to get out of trouble, I took my chance. This is where the witch entered the hand.

In former more enlightened times we used to burn these evil doers at the stake. Nowadays they hide behind names like 'Scientist' and 'Poker Pro'. Claiming to use some sort of twisted anti-intuition backed up with dirty little statistics, experiments and observation, the insidious Killawatt embarked on wrondoing twofold. Firstly he thought that it was sensible to call with a J4 off suit, but secondly and worse still, just chucked any sort of etiquette out the window. I mean how rude is it to win a hand with rotten cards against an honest fella playing genuinely and never once complaining when the cards don't go his way. A decent person would have mucked them there and then. I don't care what the experts say, when there are no manners left, we'd be as well just handing the keys over the the fanatics. Naturally, when the cards came, the evil dealer conspiracy had regained control of things. There wasn't a single 8 in sight, just a Joke, I mean Jack and The Raizerio was sent to sit in the corner.

So 6th place for me and 5th for the bitch that stuck the knife in. In a pot v Captain Birdseye both players held an A. Two A's on the flop ensured a fight to the bitter end, Killawatt eventually being out kicked. The sympathy around the table was non-existent after his earlier wild-eyed rantings along the lines of "I'm as honest as they come", to the mirth of those who know him best.

Killawatt's slayer, one time championship contender, Unabomber and general table-pisser-offer Sea Cock took his leave in 4th (are we still only at 4th place?). His K-10 suited avoided as many cards as Wee Rambo's A-9 off suit. Never one to avoid an opportunity to display his ignorance Mr Cock exited muttering the word "unbelievable". Aye, unbelievable if I'd been holding the A-9 (my good cards never hold up, my poor cards never come from behind, but as I keep saying, I never go on about it), but hardly 'unbelievable'.

By this point Petawatt, chip leader for the most part had frittered away many of the chips he'd taken from The Doc and elsewhere and was sitting in 3rd (regular readers will know that Petawatt has a fetish for silver and bronze medals and the clever chat (me) predicted more of the same. Wee Rambo was dancing on either side of the safe/unsafe divide whilst GingaStinga's evening was turning into one of those where you win 3 hands all night, then the last 3 hands and suddenly you're off home with the prize in your pocket.

The next fatality occurred after a Wee Rambo v Petawatt showdown. The former held 5-3 suited against 44. Nobody hit and we were down to Two.

There was a little bit of life left in the match, but not much. A6 (Ginga) v A4 (Peta) soon brought things to a head and when the radgest of the two paired his 6 on the flop, a fat lady began to sing.

Next game in a fortnight I believe. I'll get the overall table updated in the next few days.