Saturday 19th January - Report

Nine players contested the first game of the new season. In no time we were straight up to the high standards of skill and etiquette that we demand. One of the usual suspects was right at the heart of the carnage of course.

The action was on Killawatt pre-flop, he picks up a 3-4 suited and raises. So far so what, how hard can it be to pick up your own cards??? Next to act is Petawatt, who picks up the wrong cards, those of Killawatt, see's a 3-4 suited and promptly folds them, where they're rescued by Killawatt. A protracted period of indecision followed as we limped into the hand until Da Blouse exclaimed that Killawatt must have rubbish as Petwatt had quickly folded them. Killawatt immediately demands a meeting in the scullery with the errant card picker. It was at this point I stumbled back into the mess after a visit to the little boys room.

Killa & Peta emerged from the kitchen with the former declaring 'I demand a re-deal and he agrees', to much mirth. Henceforth, anyone aggrieved with their hand can now drag Petawatt to the kitchen and demand a re-deal!!!

Curfew issues for Da Blouse

Da Blouse was involved in some early hands as doubt arose over his Curlew to the point where he took a massive hit trying to knock out Killawatt in a bit of an all or nothing, lost the hand and was left bobbing gently under the surface with only a couple of hundred or so chips. As word arrived that his bird trouble hadn't materialised after all, he immediately fell victim to the sort of kill he used to specialise in. Being dealt a 9-9 left him little option, he shoved and found Killawatt sitting astride an A-J. All was good until the A appeared on the river and Dunderfunk began 2013 in much the same fashion as he finished 2012.

The Baptist was next out in 8th place. Having taken a couple of right kickings from your humble scribe in his previous handful of appearances, fate was once again lining up the end of his nose for a poker pummelling. My wee look revealed the bullets for the first time in the decade and being The One True Gentleman of Poker I could never slow play so raised the pot pre-flop. Of course my years of honesty aren't worth the pixels they're typed upon. The Baptist duly called with gash (Q with a 7 or 8 if I mind right) and began hitting cards left right and centre making his full house by the turn. Unaware as to his fortune so far, I was happy to call his raises all the way to the river which was an A, making me a AAA full house against The Baptist's QQQ full house. Once more, being TOTGOP, I pot raised but as usual and despite as always proclaiming my honesty from the nearest rooftop and despite me being continually responsible for ejecting him with tastier full houses than his, he could not be shaken off and insisted on doubling me up, making me chip leader and therefore interim Championship Leader. It was obviously a precarious hand for both of us, but The Baptist might be wondering what he needs to do just to get past someone as keek as the holder of the Wooden Spoon. I was just surprised my good cards had held up for once. But not for too long.

The Baptist was all in soon after with a paucity of chips and found myself and Young Rambo jostling for his scraps with the latter taking them and sending The Baptist back to the Jordan River pre-break.

I'm sure Sea Cock will be looking to get another win under his belt as early as possible this season to kickstart his assault on a maiden title but it wasn't to be this week. Killawatt claimed his second scalp of the evening after Ol' Sea Cock trickled down to next to nothing and shoved with a very mediocre J-10. Killa's A-Q held out until another A arrived on the river.

Sixth position was reserved for our reigning champ The GingaStinga. He fell victim to the developing theme of the evening when he kamikazed in with 7-7 and met the ever willing Killawatt, this time atop A-J. Yet again an A appeared and the GingaAllinah was mincemeat.

Petawart now slipped out in his customary mid placed finish. Constantly berated for not taking more chances by Killa, this time Peta gambled with a 5-6 suited, Killa called with Q-7 as you do and they both avoided everything the board had to offer. Another scalp for Killawatt in a seemingly unstoppable march to a first win of the season. But unable to leave it at that, Killa then recommenced his verbal trouncing asking in the high pitched voice of a 6 year old girl 'why did you decide to shove with that, there, then etc' I either zoned out or missed the end of it as it went of the end of the scale my lugs can pick up.

With four players still in the blinds were now at 500/1000 and there was very little room for manoeuvre  This means you're relying on luck a bit more and therefore I was a dead man walking. But before my ultimate kick in the stanes, first of all there was plenty more target practice for my opponents winkle pickers. Finding a 5-5, I pot raised only to be pot re-raised by (not lucky at all, skill only my good man) Killawatt. Despite absolutely gagging to take the cunning stunt down I managed to fold and found I'd have been up against J-J. If only there was some sort of enjoyment to be had from a good fold.

With everyone experiencing 'all-in moments' it was The Bonfire's turn next. Lunking the remainder of his chips behind an A-J, Killawatt once more rolled the dice, this time with a KQ, but A high was still the best hand after the river. Double up for the Bonf.

Wee Rambo also had a double up at the Killa's expense beating a 10-10-3-3 with a 10-10-4-4.

Losing hand

My turn thinks muggins here and took a step off the top board clutching A-K v The Bonfire. He turned over K-10, cards that any normal person would be more than content with. But I've been here too often and literally refused to watch, even after the call came from the table 'It's alright, you've hit your Ace', before their realisation that the A had also helped turn his K-10 into a straight. I'm still too sick to go on about it.

Wee Rambo went out in third after bleeding down to an all-in level. His Q-4 had a sluggers chance against Killawatt's 9-9, but nothing came out to help either player and we were finally at cash on the table time.

Winning hand

Not commenting at all on the cards held and their odds of winning, the final hand came as both players raised and re-raised as many chips as they could to get it on. The Bonfire had A-K and had to dodge Killa's J-8. Amazingly the A-K held up and The Bonfire emerged from the smoking ruins a little bit better off than when he arrived.

I don't want to talk about it any more.

I hope I didn't confuse you too much with talk of Curlew and curfew's.

See you next time (when as yet to be decided) where I will yet again not suffer or go on about a horrendous beat.