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| The Raiser (since March 2011) |
2. Petawatt
3. Wee Rambo
4. Sea Cock
5. Killawatt
6. The Raizerio
7. Bottleneck
8. Dr Doctor
Apologies: The Damage (Babysitting), Player Formerly Known As Da Blouse (No excuse), Player Formerly Known As The Raiser (Still Sending Cheaper Mexican Equivalent Until Further Notice).
Any joy has long since been sucked out of this wretched game. So I embarked on the evening fully expecting to donate a fiver to an undeserving cause and hoping not to come last. By this criteria my evening was a raging success. Indeed, despite being about as hopeless, useless and rubbish as its possible to be, I still lasted longer than two other players.
With myself and Bottleneck struggling to find a winning hand between us, in the meantime The Doctor still managed to donate chips aplenty to the willing Watts. Petawatt was especially subsidised before The Doctor reached his panic phase. This is the phase he uses to exit every game he doesn't win. It goes something like:
- Lose a hand
- Get rubbish cards next hand
- Panic
- Go all in with nothing
This pattern was followed to the letter to the point that before his panic all-in bet had hit the baize, The Raizerio was exclaiming "Spunk, Spunk, Spunk alert, he's Spunking all his chips". He was called and if I recall correctly, had a 8 high.
So he transferred to shuffling and dealing duties whilst two other players were still wrestling with their granny. Eventually I was able to win a hand, my only one of the night. As I did, I noticed a small tear form in the corner of Bottlenecks eye and run down his cheek. By jove I'd broken him with a little help from Texas Hold'em. He was soon all in blind with a 3-4 off suit and a look of real hatred in his eyes as his challenge expired. It might have been tiredness, I get awfy confused.
So I've won one hand. Two fine players are out. Yet Sea Cock and Petawatt, somehow with decent chipstacks appear to be struggling with the simplest of instructions such as this:
GingaRadge: 240 to you Sea Cock
Sea Cock: (Thinks for an hour or so until the buzzer goes a couple of times, makes some funny noises)
The Raiser: You know its you yeah?
Sea Cock: Ahh its just so difficult, I can't work it out, how much is it to me.
The Raiser: (talking in caps now) TWOHUNDREDANDFORTYFFS, what's to work out?
Sea Cock: (makes some more funny noises)
The Raiser: You're so obviously going to fold, just fold, will you fold, please fold, I've got a wife and kids you know, I don't want to die this wayayayayay.
Sea Cock: (inevitably) Fold.
Earlier, we'd witnessed a hand that wouldn't be out of place in a 'How not to play poker' tutorial. The Doctor had already turned over his A-10 long before the conclusion of the hand giving him an almost unassailable A-high straight. The Cock o' the Sea contrived to be in the hand until the showdown when he at least got the 'when to turn your cards over' bit right. This is when the rest of the table noticed that he had a straight flush from K to 9 (I mean, how couldn't any competent player notice they had a straight flush?). Last to bet, with a straight flush (aka The Nuts), didn't raise. Astonishing.
Earlier, we'd witnessed a hand that wouldn't be out of place in a 'How not to play poker' tutorial. The Doctor had already turned over his A-10 long before the conclusion of the hand giving him an almost unassailable A-high straight. The Cock o' the Sea contrived to be in the hand until the showdown when he at least got the 'when to turn your cards over' bit right. This is when the rest of the table noticed that he had a straight flush from K to 9 (I mean, how couldn't any competent player notice they had a straight flush?). Last to bet, with a straight flush (aka The Nuts), didn't raise. Astonishing.
Why the ire at people who consistently stay in longer than you but don't seem to know what they're doing Raizerio? Coz I had him by the danglies earlier in the night and he hit the river to win, and had the cheek to complain. Talk about pressing all my buttons at once. And after all that he still hasn't procured me a free boat despite insistent reminders. Really needs to get his finger out.
Cripes, almost forgot to whinge about my own exit. So there I was getting shocking cards all night, as you do, then the cheating dealer basturts cocked up and dealt me a pair of 8's by mistake. Needing three snookers by this stage to get out of trouble, I took my chance. This is where the witch entered the hand.
In former more enlightened times we used to burn these evil doers at the stake. Nowadays they hide behind names like 'Scientist' and 'Poker Pro'. Claiming to use some sort of twisted anti-intuition backed up with dirty little statistics, experiments and observation, the insidious Killawatt embarked on wrondoing twofold. Firstly he thought that it was sensible to call with a J4 off suit, but secondly and worse still, just chucked any sort of etiquette out the window. I mean how rude is it to win a hand with rotten cards against an honest fella playing genuinely and never once complaining when the cards don't go his way. A decent person would have mucked them there and then. I don't care what the experts say, when there are no manners left, we'd be as well just handing the keys over the the fanatics. Naturally, when the cards came, the evil dealer conspiracy had regained control of things. There wasn't a single 8 in sight, just a Joke, I mean Jack and The Raizerio was sent to sit in the corner.
So 6th place for me and 5th for the bitch that stuck the knife in. In a pot v Captain Birdseye both players held an A. Two A's on the flop ensured a fight to the bitter end, Killawatt eventually being out kicked. The sympathy around the table was non-existent after his earlier wild-eyed rantings along the lines of "I'm as honest as they come", to the mirth of those who know him best.
Killawatt's slayer, one time championship contender, Unabomber and general table-pisser-offer Sea Cock took his leave in 4th (are we still only at 4th place?). His K-10 suited avoided as many cards as Wee Rambo's A-9 off suit. Never one to avoid an opportunity to display his ignorance Mr Cock exited muttering the word "unbelievable". Aye, unbelievable if I'd been holding the A-9 (my good cards never hold up, my poor cards never come from behind, but as I keep saying, I never go on about it), but hardly 'unbelievable'.
By this point Petawatt, chip leader for the most part had frittered away many of the chips he'd taken from The Doc and elsewhere and was sitting in 3rd (regular readers will know that Petawatt has a fetish for silver and bronze medals and the clever chat (me) predicted more of the same. Wee Rambo was dancing on either side of the safe/unsafe divide whilst GingaStinga's evening was turning into one of those where you win 3 hands all night, then the last 3 hands and suddenly you're off home with the prize in your pocket.
The next fatality occurred after a Wee Rambo v Petawatt showdown. The former held 5-3 suited against 44. Nobody hit and we were down to Two.
There was a little bit of life left in the match, but not much. A6 (Ginga) v A4 (Peta) soon brought things to a head and when the radgest of the two paired his 6 on the flop, a fat lady began to sing.
Next game in a fortnight I believe. I'll get the overall table updated in the next few days.
